z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

No Destination (Chapter 1: Abel)

by EnderFlash


It took everything Abel had to not scream in public. Ducking his head, he channeled all that energy into pelting down the sidewalk like a malfunctioning cruiser, barely dodging innocents along the way.

“Hey, Abel!” Mrs. Bresten’s voice brought him to a stumbling halt. She pressed her gloves onto the window sill and pushed a clump of greasy bangs back. It flopped back over her forehead. “Ah, well, my forehead’s sooty anyway,” she muttered, before redirecting her attention to him. “You look awfully cheery today. Something happened?” From that eye-crinkling smile she wore, she knew exactly what happened.

“Of course!” He wasn’t passing up a chance to brag. “I,” he began, whipping out a gray paper, “have officially graduated from the Caelum University for Flight!” Abel grinned, well aware that passing strangers that could hear his declaration. There was a lot more that he wanted to say, but he retained some self-awareness; that meant no monologues in the middle of a busy street.

Mrs. Bresten laughed and tapped the window sill, indicating for him to come closer. When he only eyed her calloused hands, she sighed and rested her chin in her palm. “What, no victory hair musses?” Before Abel could start rambling about hygiene and appearances, there was a shout from deeper within the repair shop. The call’s contents were lost to Abel. Mrs. Bresten, though, seemed to catch the gist of it and stood up straight, stuffing her gloves on and pulling thick, scratched-up goggles back over her eyes. “Sorry, Abel, I can’t offer you tea today. Your school may be the best one around, but it’s not the only one graduating. Lots of kids are looking to have their gear back in commission.” With a wink, she disappeared. The window slammed shut behind her.

Pressing his lips together, Abel held his certificate up. There were a few creases that hadn’t been there when he received it. A shame, but nothing that would lose the paper its place on Abel’s wall. Gripping the paper’s opposite corners between his ring finger and thumb, Abel pivoted on his heel and continued the march home.

Since Abel had spent a shameful amount of time telling everyone he knew about his graduation, the mad scramble to return home after a long day of work had long since died down. Cobblestone was once again visible from beneath leather soles and gaudy bootstraps. Even with the city signaling for the day’s end, the summer sun remained high in the sky, casting a shimmer onto the street’s worn stones and allowing poor, lost tourists a few hours’ reprieve in finding their motels. Long days were good for him, Abel noted. It meant more time tomorrow to familiarize himself with his ship and to get to know his partner. He’d have to draw up a schedule once he got home.

The click-clacking of hooves from somewhere around the bend signaled the arrival of a carriage, so he paused. A gray mare walked by, dragging along a mahogany box that did little to mute the shouts coming from within. They were probably lost. Siren’s grandeur and its status as the capitol of Caelum came with endless roads that snaked around shops stacked like pancakes and over ridiculously steep hills, which made it impossible to see where one was going. People crammed in anyway, desperate for a chance at the romanticized city life.

Suddenly, the entire cross-section Abel was at was cast in shadow. Ignoring the sounds of bewilderment around him, he glanced up.

Of course it was an airship. This one wasn’t too big, he mused, as it didn’t even have a deck. He would have pegged it as a student ship if not for the fact that its envelope was painted a bright blue with some golden symbol on its sides- it was difficult to tell from this perspective. First off, student ships were the rather miserable colors of white and brown. Secondly, there was no way any educated, self-respecting pilot nor navigator would ever paint their ships blue.

Readjusting his grip on his certificate, Abel quickened his pace with a huff. Blue meant camouflage. Camouflage meant accidents. And what kind of lovely day didn’t have a flaming heap raining down on you from the skies? “If you’re extra lucky, the gondola may even be made of pine,” he muttered, shaking his head.

People were stupid. Even himself, to an extent. Of course, after a while of negative intelligence levels, it just became a contest of who was closer to zero- and who could appear the smartest to others.

Call him arrogant, if you will. He certainly didn’t deny it.

Another turn. Paseo Street, Maple Avenue, Pinesberry. He knew the path well enough that the signs were unnecessary. As he walked past the Ivory Bakery, it was somewhat disappointing that no whiff of freshly baked breads and sweets greeted him through the ornate door. Sometimes, the owners kept the window or entrance open to tempt potential customers. Other days, like today, the stagnant undercurrent of smoke, oil, and other pleasant fuels was too prominent to risk exposing their pastries to. Pushing himself to walk faster, he tried to remember what was left in the pantry. Mother would probably be working late again, so he couldn’t wait for her to bring home dinner.

To distract himself, Abel recalled the name that had been called out along with his at the graduation ceremony. Cain Noriega, huh? A foreign last name, definitely, but its exact origin was unclear. It didn’t sound Xingese, but it might have just been the result of an odd translation. Possibly Glycian.

Frowning, Abel cocked his head. “Noriega, Noriega….” Then, he bit his lip and swept the question out of his mind.

He’d find out tomorrow.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
456 Reviews


Points: 69427
Reviews: 456

Donate
Mon Feb 20, 2017 2:56 am
View Likes
EternalRain wrote a review...



Hey there, EnderFlash!

I thought this was a pretty good start to your story! We get introduced to Abel - who I'm guessing is the main character - and some plot points that seem significant later on (ships? interesting...). There's also Abel's graduation, which is a nice way to ease into this world you have.

Heart pounding in his chest, feet pounding down the pavement, and fists pounding the air in victory, it took everything Abel had, and more, to not scream in public.


I have to agree with Sillia on this -- the sentence feels way too long and more like a run-on sentence than anything. It feels way too comma-heavy. Especially since this is the first chapter, it's very important to have a strong first sentence to capture the reader into your story. I like the action of it, but I would consider cutting it down or omitting part of it to hook the reader in a snappier way.

To distract himself, Abel recalled the name that had been called out along with his at the graduation ceremony.


It may just be because the school is large (or there possibly could be some other reason) but would he have not known this person at school? If they graduated together, it implies they went to school together and it doesn't quite make sense why the wouldn't know - or even know of - each other.

I'm a fan of vague hints in first chapters. I don't like info dumping and a great reveal of a world. I like what you're doing here with hints and references to the world (like languages, and their means of travel seems to be carriages) without outright explaining it all at once. Of course, keeping readers in the dark for too long is definitely not okay, but gradual hints and explanations are great!

I can't wait to figure more about this story and Abel's duties. Please let me know when the next chapter is out - I'd love to read and review it!

~EternalRain




EnderFlash says...


Haha, I'm definitely changing that first line now. Thanks for reviewing, and I'm glad you liked it <3



User avatar
25 Reviews


Points: 0
Reviews: 25

Donate
Mon Feb 20, 2017 2:53 am
View Likes
IrisNight says...



Okay so this is my first review so pleas tell me if I do something wrong, this chapter was pretty cool, their were just a few grammatical mistakes but the last review already claimed what they are so just keep writing and have nice day




Sillia says...


Hi stranger; nice review but most reviews target specific things. Like i liked this but i think you need a comma here [quote.]insertquotehere[/quote.] great job!

Silllia



IrisNight says...


sorry, I will do better next time :)



User avatar
52 Reviews


Points: 308
Reviews: 52

Donate
Mon Feb 20, 2017 12:29 am
View Likes
Sillia wrote a review...



Sillia here!

So I do my reviews while I read so if I say something that seems little off and then correct myself then thats why xD Anyway onto the review.

Heart pounding in his chest, feet pounding down the pavement, and fists pounding the air in victory, it took everything Abel had, and more, to not scream in public.


Firs things first; this sentence seems kinda run on. I like the description but its kind of like woosh running on with words. Lol that next sentence was really funny and kind of made me laugh.

I really liked this story. There's a lot of description in it! I also really appreciate that you broke up the paragraphs so it wasn't so much that I got lost. I really like your writing actually. I'm not used to reading things with so much description aside from my own work that tends to overload on description xD

And what kind of lovely day didn’t have a flaming heap raining down on you from the skies?


I really liked this because honestly it is so true. Anyway this was really interesting and if you can tell me when the next chapter is up and I'll read it!! I loved your story!

Keep writing!

Sillia




EnderFlash says...


Thanks so much for reading! I'm glad you liked it. Looking back on it, yeah, the opening's pretty awkward. I'll make sure to change it.



Sillia says...


You're welcome !!




Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
— Albert Einstein