Young Writers Society

As per request, I've come to see what I could do here, which I have said in the past isn't much considering all the reviews you've already gotten. Understand, it's not because your work is flawless or anything--that'll come later--but it's because pretty much everybody and their grandmother has covered what's necessary.

With that being said, I think the one thing the other reviews forgot to talk about was how the matter actually talked about the subject. They brushed upon it, but I think, since it's so vital, it would be good to actually dive into it and how to write domestic abuse in a realistic/respective manner.

On the Matter of Domestic Abuse

This is just a suggestion, but since you (I think) briefly brushed upon the matter of male domestic abuse victims, listen to Cherry Wine by Hozier. I don't think it's your average domestic abuse song, and it sounds more like a love song than a song about a broken relationship, which brings me to what's probably the most tragic point of the problem: most abuse victims aren't even aware that they're being abused.

Even if it's physical abuse, there are times where the victims will justify the lashing-out, saying it's somehow their fault. More often than not, this is due to the fact that the victim remembers when the abuser was kind to them earlier in their relationship, and thus they try to justify such behavior because 'they can't possibly have changed'. To quote Wikipedia (because it has the simplest way to say it):

Often the abusers are initially attentive, charming and loving, gaining the trust of the individual that will ultimately become the victim [...] A conditioning process begins with alternation of loving followed by abusive behavior.

And from Counselling Survivors of Domestic Abuse :

These serve to confuse the survivor leading to potent conditioning processes that impact on the survivor's self-structure and cognitive schemas.

What I'm trying to say here is that, more often than not, victims have a hard time even understanding that what their partner is doing is wrong. That's not the case for all of them--there are also occasions where economic instability causes the victim to stay with the abuser, or families that refuse divorces--but it's probably the most dissonant and impactful way to write a story like this. Not that you have to have it that way, but it seemed like you were going for that somewhat.

“I could never figure out what I was doing wrong, but it had to be something bad.”

This is probably my favorite line of the whole thing, but the problem comes along when it starts clashing with other lines, like,

Wasn’t I done with this? Done with being beat over and over again until I started, just started, to feel that I might deserve it?

I don't know what this line suggests, especially put beside the other one. Does this mean that Cruz is regressing even deeper into the victim mentality? Throughout the story, there's always a defiant tone in her voice, a tone that suggests she's aware of what's happening to her, and she's making an effort to get out of it. And that's great, that's wonderful. The problem lies in the fact that she doesn't really do anything. She's still very much helpless, she's still very much hurt, and there's nothing wrong with portraying a domestic abuse victim in that regard, but it must be internally consistent, story-wise sound. Some people will definitely empathize without reason, you've made a solid enough present-time presentation to deserve that, but people like me--*ahem*soullesssociopaths*ahem*--ask for something more to chew on. Not because we think the victim is in the wrong, but because we want our stories to have more dimension, to give more insight and expand upon the axiom of "domestic abuse is bad."

For example, we never come across the abuser in this manner. Heck, we don't even know his name. I know why you did that, though--narratively, it's the Horror Story Method, the less you see the monster the scarier it becomes, the more the story leaves the antagonist to the imagination the more horrific he becomes. However, when you take away that function of the story, you leave a lot of gaps in the narratives. You don't have the context of why Cruz was in the relationship in the first place, or why she stayed, things that can actually enhance your story. I like the method of not having the abuser around, you can keep it, but at the very least you need to tell us how the teenager got into the haunted house. Again, not because we don't feel bad for the protagonist, but because it'll make us feel even worse and might actually teach us a thing or two about how a relationship like this starts. I want to emphasize that in particular; most abusers don't have a good reason to do what they do, and most victims forget how they got where they were in the first place. But backstory adds a lot, and I think it could've helped in making the experience more impactful (for me) when handled with lots of research and care.

(Also, I'm just adding this after I actually finished the review, but I just realized that I forgot to talk about how emotional abuse is also a thing. Oops. Well, just a reminder, emotional abuse is actually a more heinous thing considering it's less measurable. Not gonna touch upon that since it's not present here, just wanted to remind you.)

You called your story 'cheesy', but the phrase I'd use instead is 'light on substance'. The audience knows where it's going to go, it's somewhat derivative, but there's a heart to the style that could easily be improved upon.

Though I think you've done your research, I think it'd be at least helpful to give a couple of resources I found:



Now, onto the style of writing conveyed here.

Stream-of-Consciousness

Brief definition:

a literary style in which a character's thoughts, feelings, and reactions are depicted in a continuous flow uninterrupted by objective description or conventional dialogue.

This style is pretty cool. It allows for some nice imagery, and if anything I'd call it the prosaic poem, since not everything makes sense from a concrete standpoint. It's probably the best way to convey a story like this, but though it's often structure-less, it still needs to make sense.

For example, it needs to be thematically consistent. Usually short stories, being short, can only afford to talk about one big topic, maybe a couple of smaller related topics. As Morrigan mentioned early on, the mention of racism is--well, one, it's jarring, two, it snaps the reader out of the illusion, and three, it doesn't have an immediate connection with the main theme. My best reasoning is the fact that Mexicans are discriminated against helps exacerbate domestic abuse because it shoves them in a situation of poverty or intense scrutiny, but as you can imagine that's a large stretch. Gaps are often good in this sort of style, mind you, but they need to be the appropriate size. Respect your audience's intelligence, but understand that it takes time to make logical leaps--time that could be used for reading. TL;DR: Yeah, probably cut out that part. Assuming this is a short story and it's not going to have a sequel that tackles that matter (heck, even if there will be a sequel, the detail is too tangential to warrant an interesting follow-up), it's only going to confuse the reader, and I don't think it's important enough to be deserved.

Secondly, it takes a certain level of surrealism or emotional dependency to warrant logic being chucked out the window. This hasn't achieved that level, and thus it's forced to follow the rules of reality. I can maybe justify the cop's rude behavior because I've heard worse from the news, but I call bullcrap on the part where Cruz immediately knows that the paramedic is in an abusive relationship. You seem to imply that she sees bruises on his face here:

Andrew looked at me, the distant ambulance lights casting blue and red shadows on his face. All I could think of was bruises and blood, bruises and blood.

But I don't think that's what you intended, and she knew beforehand because he wore a wedding ring. Pretty much everybody whose married in the US wears wedding rings, for some reason. I get that she's now disillusioned to matters of love and marriage, but to immediately confirm the suspicion that the next person she sees who's married is in an abusive relationship is not only convenient, I'm not entirely sure what purpose it serves. I feel like it's trying to say 'guys can be abused, too', but it doesn't spend enough time with Andrew to elaborate on the matter, so it ends up falling flat. The best thing I can think to alleviate that problem is to have the two have a brief conversation that doesn't involve telepathic communication--ie, Andrew actually talking about his own abused experiences when Cruz says she feels lost and confused, and comforting her in a way that nobody else in the ambulance could. This way, it doesn't take a logical leap, it's much more cohesive, done well it could be more emotionally impactful and also doubles as a chance to give more context to the story. Again, you don't have to listen to my advice, but I think that's a sound way to keep the story the way it is without introducing any other elements that might change its meaning.

And while we're talking about the characters,

Characters

(Wow this review is long. I just realized it now. Darn it, Elliot, you did it again.)

So, you wanted to talk about characters in your PM to me, and also clarity, which I'll get to in a minute, but first the characters need to be covered. I'll admit, they're not very enticing to me, and that's the case for a lot of short story characters. You don't have much room to go by when you have a wordcount limit, I get it. But the fact of the matter is that there are plenty of short stories that detail interesting and evocative characters without using up too many words.

You may or may not remember this principle, but characterization involves the STEAL principle--what the character Says, what the character Thinks, what Effects the character has on the story, how they Act, and how they Look. It depends on what you're reading, but personally, the most important to me are Thinks, Says and Acts, since those are the most tangible. So far, both of your main characters have completed Think (Andrew lacks this slightly, but we do get to see his thought processes slightly), but I think what you're lacking most is Says and Acts. I've already talked about how the conversation between Andrew and Cruz could be more emotional rather than coincidental, but Acts in particular is a difficult topic to handle, I think, considering they're not really doing much here. I can understand why it isn't prominent, but even the smallest actions can build a lot of character.

For example; though it might seem confusing to others, I liked how the main character didn't immediately tell the police officer her name. This act (or really non-act) suggests that she's going through too much pain and suffering to respond appropriately, and will only act properly once she's sure she's safe, which the cop has obviously not made her feel. I wish there was more moments like that, because I'm sure it would all make more sense to everybody if a string of similar actions led to a logical conclusion and therefore complex portrayal of a character.

This was definitely needed for the character of Andrew. I didn't really feel for him, even though the narrative seemed to want me to like him and care for him. He appeared as quickly as he disappeared, and he didn't leave much impact. I understand that he has an effect on Cruz, but I didn't really see it through action, I didn't feel anything special, I felt like he was just doing his job. Even the last scene felt oddly detached. Again, I told you about the conversation thing, so I think that's a good way to fix that, but that's not the only way necessarily. If you wanted to, you could also portray him with similar bruises below his sleeves, bruises that Cruz notices if she squints. That could also provide more evidence for the audience to believe that yeah, Cruz was logical in assuming he's in an abusive relationship, and it gives his words more emotional impact. However, again, context I think is the best way to charge the story, and in my mind the conversation is the best way to go.

And finally,

Clarity

Alright, so you've been asking a lot about how one may be more clear about the topic with a style like this, and if you've been paying attention so far you should already have an idea of what you could do, since all of the topics I've talked about are very much related to this one. However, to sum up:

-If ya'll want to make characters and their personalities clearer, at the very least have two attributes of STEAL, but the healthy balance is about three or four.

-If you want to stick to the theme, ask yourself: a) What do I want to say? and b) Why should people listen to my message (especially if other people have said it before)? And then when you're editing, read through the story and ask yourself: a) How does this relate to my message? b) Have I already said it before, or is this shining a new light to my topic? and c) Will my reader understand it?

-Before you ask, if you want your readers to understand but still feel like they're stuck in a chaotic mess, paragraphs are a friend of yours. Confusing, dazed thoughts deserve their own paragraphs, cut off with the actual realistic interpretation of what's happening, what people are saying, who they are, that sort of thing. That doesn't mean the realistic paragraphs should be 100% clear, but avoid mixing too many thoughts in there, since it might confuse your readers. When you get a grip of what's cohesive and what's not you should be able to blend reality with fantasy, but that's another topic for another day, so for now that'll clear up your current miseries.

And I think that's it. I hope this helped, considering it's unnecessarily verbose and weird, and I hope you have fun editing the story.

--Elliot.

Hello,

This is a phenomenal story! (And no, I don't think it's cheesy at all.)

You perfectly captured the wan and desperate voice of this character. Cruz feels like a real person—not a cartoon or a cardboard cutout, but a real person. I also think the way you dealt with the topic of domestic violence was sensitive, considerate, and realistic.

Your imagery's flawless. Clearly you've got a knack for descriptive flair. The flow's great—this is the kind of piece where you could get away with it being a bit disjointed, because of the chaos of the situation, but your pacing is on point and it's all really very smooth. The pieces fit, you know?

As Morrigan said, this story—compelling as it is—pulls the reader in right from the start, and we get a good sense of the characters despite the length. In particular, you've made Cruz a fascinating, memorable person. I have a feeling Cruz will stick in my head for a long while. That's quite a feat.

I do differ with the previous reviewers in a couple of ways. For one, I thought you 'showed' more than 'told' for most of the story—sure, there maybe were a couple incidents of telling, but that's to be expected with any piece. (Let's face it: we all tell occasionally.) For the most part, I really admired how you subtly showed us things about the characters, and how you allowed us to draw our own conclusions and figure the story out on our own. It seemed to me that you're quite skilled at showing rather than telling.

Another thing: I had no issue with your first line whatsoever. I've seen plenty of authors use that same descriptive technique—hell, I've done it—and I don't think there's anything wrong with it. Sure, you could have gone how to explain how Cruz could "taste" the ambulance, but was it necessary to explain that? I don't think so. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that explaining it would ruin some of the simplicity and mystique of that line. I'd also add that descriptions like that—strange, interesting descriptions that make you think of something in a different way—are a lot of fun and not something you should shy away from because it might confuse certain people. I think most readers will understand what you're getting at, and—if they're like me—appreciate it.

You write in such a way that I have to believe you've been doing it for a while (otherwise, it just wouldn't be fair). How precisely you got into this character's head, how vivid and clever the imagery is, how fleshed-out all of it is, would imply that you know what you're doing, and are quite talented at it.

Anyway, enough of my rambling praise—onto some nitpicks and miscellaneous comments:

A woman grabbed my shoulders and I think I screamed, but I couldn’t quite remember.

Should be "can't quite remember."

I tried to raise a hand to my temple, past my sticky hair but the lady pushed it down.

Comma after "hair."

I sat up and the blood gushed from my side faster than the tears from my face.

This line's overwrought. You said you thought this story was cheesy, and while it's most certainly not, this bit is bordering on the Land of Cheese, I'm afraid.

“Let the poor thing go Elise.”

Comma after "go."

But it was his eyes, the small slice of pain behind each iris, that told me - he’s like you.

I think you should italicize the line at the end ("he's like you").

the chemicals and metal and cigarette smoke from the blue uniform who swore he would quit 2 months ago. Like him. I’d stopped bothering to ask him when he would quit.

It's hard to discern who you're referring to when you say "like him." You may want to change it slightly to make it clearer—perhaps by italicizing "him"? Also, when you say "2 months," it really should be "two months."

Our wedding rings clinked against each other; a romantic might say they sounded like church bells. They sounded like shackles to me.

Not a nitpick, just wanted to say that OH MY GOSH, this is so perfectly-written. I love subtle writing like that. Brilliant, absolutely brilliant.

“Almost our eighth year together.” He said with saddest enthusiasm I had ever heard.

I think you mean, "the saddest enthusiasm"? Also, when you have a line of dialogue and follow it up with "he said/she said/the nurse said," you don't need to capitalize the first letter. In this case, the H in "he" should be lowercase. You make this error a few times throughout the piece.

“My husbands been beating me for,” I paused and squinted my eyes, “exactly three years today.”

There should be an apostrophe in "husband's," and those commas should be dashes:
“My husband's been beating me for"—I paused and squinted my eyes—“exactly three years today.”

So, overall, this is a truly wonderful, non-cheesy piece of writing. It's beautifully-wrought, tragic, heartbreaking... just so, so good. I saw one of the reviewers before me speculating that Andrew was the husband—is that true? Because I didn't get that vibe at all. Though I guess it would be an interesting—if not precisely logical—twist.

Anyway, well done!

Hello! I don't usually review short stories, but I figured I'd leave you my thoughts.

For a short story, this is really short, but it also grabs the audience and lets them know a lot about the two characters. I enjoyed your writing style, as well. I think that your attention to what details matter is really lovely.

That being said, there are a few things I would like to address.

Snazzy mentioned the first line, and I will, too. I understand that you're trying to convey chaos, but I don't know if the way you're going about it is entirely effective. Because it's the first line of the story, I thought I was in for some kind of psychedelic ride instead of a serious story of a woman after a beating. Perhaps find some other way to convey chaos without mixing senses like that.

Some of your vocabulary is definitely on the side of telling and not showing. Some places that you should rethink:

But it hurt so badly. I could feel

My leg hurt terribly

In fact, I think you could do away with those almost entirely. Try formatting the paragraph like this:

But the blood poured out of the gash in my side, shards of glass still speckling the wound. A deep purple bruise was already peeking out of my torn sweatpants.

Describing the images actually conveys more pain than "it hurt."

I didn't understand why someone told her she would be in trouble for not telling her name. It didn't really make sense to me, and it took me out of the world of the story.

The thing with the older couple making a comment about her race seemed out of place to me, too. She's just gotten beaten by her husband, and it seems to be nighttime. I don't know why there would be people like that there. I don't think it was necessary at all. I would take that little paragraph out.

I'm not sure how the woman could think about exactly how long her husband has been beating her if she is in as much pain as you have portrayed. Maybe don't have her say "three years today," but let her just say three years. It seems unrealistic that she knows to the day if it's been going on day in and day out for that long.

I liked the line about the wedding rings. I thought it was a nice indicator of what was going on.

Altogether, I enjoyed reading this. I hope that this review proved useful to you! Welcome again to YWS, and if you have any questions regarding this review or anything about the site, feel free to message me! Happy writing!

Hello, mckeownm!

First things first, welcome to YWS! If you have any questions, feel free to ask me! Anyway, let's dive into the review then, shall we?

I could taste the ambulance rumbling down the road, smell the voices shouting orders.

I think I can see what you're getting at, but this sentence is misleading. You can taste the ambulance rumbling down the road and smell the voices, but I want to know how. Can you taste the metal quality of blood in your mouth, and smell the hotness of their words? Really clever choice of words, but I would just describe more to clear up confusion (or, just write I could feel the ambulance and hear the words - that wouldn't necessarily need a description to clarify).

One of the bigger problems I noticed was the relation of Cruz and Andrew. Are they married, and is Andrew the husband that had been abusing her for 3 years? This is what I'm picking up from the end of the story, although I couldn't tell exactly in the ambulance ride. I thought maybe the husband would try and flee from the scene rather than being there and facing serious charges afterwards. Anyway, if this was what you were intending, I wouldn't think that Cruz would be telling him these things, as he already knew, and might make things worse between them...? And how did he call out that woman next to Cruz by name...? I don't know, it doesn't feel right to me for that reason. The pieces don't line up correctly, I think. You have beautiful imagery in this (that isn't overdone), but I just think it's overshadowed by the confusion I felt in the piece.

Also, Cruz just a little bit confused me. She seemed delusional (probably from the abuse she had just received) on the ground when literally reliving her past (with fists punching her face), but in the ambulance, she seems completely calm, and talking rationally with Andrew. This can be fine if somehow someone had given her some sort of medication to calm her, but I would make sure that is clear in your writing just so there isn't any confusion to the reader.

The other thing I was confused about was the woman. Why was she asking her for her name the way she did? (This is probably me just being dumb, and is probably just something REALLY obvious. So unless other readers say something about it, you shouldn't need to clarify.)

The ending is overall very satisfying (and clever), if it means what I think it means!

One last thing, is the title. It's pleasing, but I don't quite understand the relation to the story. It could very well be 2 am at the time that this occurred, but I would mention that somewhere in the story just to be more clear (maybe... just a suggestion).

Anyway, I don't think this is all that trite or cheesy or anything, just confusing from the middle to the end. I personally think this idea for a short story is spot on! Just needs a little revising. If you have any questions about something I said here, feel free to reply, or PM me! I'll try my best to explain somethings if you want me to!

~Snazzy