Young Writers Society

Hi, Lightsong.
How lovely...An argument between petty, quarrelsome gods. Ilal sounds just like the bored dragon in G.A. Aiken's « Dragon Actually ». I liked it very much, though I don't understand very well who is who yet. I especially liked that you used the pronoun "they" for Ilal. I also liked that, although we are talking about godlike beings, they clearly have each their personality. Ilal manages to seem omniscient and to look like he respects free will at the same time. I'm very eager to read more about him.
There are several typos, however.
« They moved as a unit, but [they] were as slow as snails, to their cage. The man shouted words of encouragement, and[,] though he didn’t know [it], the animals could understand him. »
« He took the form of Their creation as [he?] preferred [it] - a middle-aged man with [a?] muscular built and [a?] handsome face. The epitome of maleness, he [had] once said [or, « he sometimes said]. »
« His voice was void of expression [I'm not sure a voice can have an expression], but there was a hint of [a plea] at the end. »
« ‘But then again, she is the most powerful [of?] us and most vast [vastest?] is her wisdom. »
« A sigh blended [] with the passing wind. »
« ‘He didn’t need [magic],’ Ilal replied, annoyed. »
« I endow them with magic and this is how they use it - or [don't]. »
« Anam followed his older sibling, frowning pitifully [at] the young man. ‘To live an ordinary life. The man must have been secretly suffering.’ [I'm not sure what you mean there] »
« Both of them disappeared into the portal before the violet ring shrunk into nothingness to the Fifth Dimension where they lived. » [I understand what you mean but I think there must be a more intelligible way to write it.]
I will have to read the rest of it.

Hey there Light. I promised you I'd review some chapters of these eventually, so here I am, no matter how late. (Keeping promises isn't my forte, really, but I'm slowly trying to change that).

In any case, let's begin.

Characters

I found it interesting that you chose the They pronoun to describe Ilal, and though it's completely normal to use, I'll admit I have a hard time fully digesting it. It's a good thing that you capitalize the They, because otherwise I'd be utterly confused. What's also interesting is that you made Ilal a god, but not necessarily the God--or at least, the most powerful god out there. The wisest god out there seems to be Nevea, who I have my own problems with but will get to later, so that means that Ilal isn't exactly infallible in any way. Yet, They're also (from what I've read) the supposed Creator of Earth. So my conclusion here (combining also with my previous experience from your work) is that Ilal is only the creator of Earth, and every other God has their own planet inhabited with their own species. Which is a really interesting concept to see, actually. I liked how you drew Ilal more like a parental figure, very calm, very soothing, and I can definitely see that personality shining throughout the rest of the book. But honestly, it'll work best if it's surrounded by more extreme personalities, people who speak louder or quieter, people who are more vicious or more lacking of confidence, complete extremes on their own ends of the spectrum. Too many balanced and calm personalities, and I'm afraid the story might not feel like it has the edge it needs--after all, we're talking gods here, they have to all be pretty interesting.

Anam I wouldn't classify as an interesting character yet. I don't know, I feel like his stubbornness could be interesting, but it's true what he says: why don't humans use magic if they could? Have they not learnt it yet? Does it suck the energy out of them? Don't tell me the answer is "because love" because I'm not sure if that makes any sense. What, the magic hurts the animals and they don't want to hurt the animals? Well then why are they shepherding them, to help them not get eaten by wolves? An altruistic act, but I think a more likely scenario is that (at best) they're cutting off wool for clothing and (at worst) they're going to eat them, both they could do easily if they just used magic. So Ilal seems to know better than I do, so I'll wait for that plot thread to be picked up.

One thing I was sort of laughing at:

"But then again, she is the most powerful among us and most vast is her wisdom. She needs to control her temper."

‘Not all of them prefers the lazy method.’ Ilal’s voice was calm now. They slithered to the portal, moving as if They had wings. ‘For every challenge I present, I provide a solution. One that does not involve magic.’

This is going to be a very short review. Just a heads up.

First of all, I was as fascinated as everyone else by the concept of the narrator being a god. But on the subject of godliness, the gods here seem anything but divine. They're petty, squabbling, and just...childish. I'm not sure if that's intentional, but I think it's great! Similar to Rick Riordan's books, the gods seem to be more flawed than the mortals.

This shouldn't be part of the first paragraph, but one thing to consider is where did the gods come from? Did some 'god of gods' create THEM? Where they born from some primordial void? This shouldn't be revealed yet, and I've only read this section, so you might have revealed this already, but what are the gods' origins? What is the story of the creation of the world and of humans? Those always seem to be important in mythologies because humans are narcissistic.

I have one piece of real criticism and it's an easy fix.

'From the sky, Ilal watched over the humans with Their shrewd eyes. It was good to inspect Their creations, as, if They did not, Their mind would go back to the argument They had with Their siblings. The bond of the Divine Five seemed to be shaken. Sometimes, Ilal licked Their paws to conform with the form They took - half cat, half snake. All metallic black.'

Talking about humans is good and talking about the argument is good and talking about licking Their paws is more of a -what? This doesn't seem in-context to me at all. I'd move it to somewhere where Ilal's appearance can be compared to Anam's or the human's or the sheep's or something. It just seems random to me where it is now.

Hope that was helpful. In any insignificant, puny way because eventually Anam will smite us all for not using our magic.

Feltrix

May the gods not punish us for our puny insignificance.

Hello hello!

I've been reviewing your work for a long time - I think we started with Bad Light, Good Lights (or was there something before that one?) <3 And I must say, your writing just keeps on improving! And we both know Sci-fi/fantasy isn't my go to genre, but I'm always happy to review for you

So let's get to it!

Since this is only the first part of the chapter I'm not going to comment too much on the plot or anything. What I will say is that I'm definitely intrigued by the concept. I was confused an a bit distracted at first with all of your capitalizations of they/them, but the more I read the more it made sense. I've never read a story from the perspective of a god, so that's already piquing my interest.

From the sky, Ilal watched over the humans with Their shrewd eyes. It was good to inspect Their creations, as, if They did not, Their mind would go back to the argument They had with Their siblings. The bond of the Divine Five seemed to be shaken. Sometimes, Ilal licked Their paws to conform with the form They took - half cat, half snake. All metallic black.

The white fluffy things were comfortable.

The enjoyment didn’t last long. Something purple glowed beside Them and They sighed in anticipation. They knew who was coming. The glow expanded to create a human-size portal and from it emerged Anam, Their youngest sibling.

‘Nevea and Terna are arguing again. The twins aren’t helping. We need you.’ His voice was void of expression, but there was a hint of plead at the end.

Happy Review Day!!!

See, I told you I'd get to this eventually!

From the sky, Ilal watched over the humans with Their shrewd eyes. It was good to inspect Their creations, as, if They did not, Their mind would go back to the argument They had with Their siblings.

Sometimes, Ilal licked Their paws to conform with the form They took - half cat, half snake.

He was gentle in his care, not hurting the poor animals with his whip.

though he didn’t know, the animals could understand him. Ilal knew this; They created living things, after all.

Peace wrapped around Them like a snug galaxy dress.

He took the form of Their creation as preferred

‘Not all of them prefers the lazy method.’

Ilal’s voice was calm now. They slithered to the portal, moving as if They had wings.

‘For every challenge I present, I provide a solution. One that does not involve magic.’

Anam followed his older sibling, frowning pitifully to the young man. ‘To live an ordinary life. The man must have been secretly suffering.’

Alrighty, I'm super late but on the bright side you get to be my 450th review! aren't you special. Let's go.

General impression first, I suppose knowing the background of this story helps to an extent, but without that I feel that this snippet is lacking a lot of context. I know you don't want to reveal everything yet, and it's possible that you haven't worked out what's happening in this galaxy. If anything, I'd like to see a clearer depiction of the deities, their relationship with each other and just exactly what they're capable of creating.

They slithered through the clouds, enjoying the creation of Their twin brother and sister. The white fluffy things were comfortable.

humans and animals alike acted according to Their expectations.

Here for the review, as promised.

I'll admit the capitalized They as a pronoun was a little distracting. It's just the combination of two abnormal things - 'they' being used as a singular pronoun I'm pretty used to, though not in stories but it being capitalized too made it take a while to stop jarring me every time it was used.

Obviously, it's important that you use They, but I would echo previous reviewers about trying to use Ilal's name more often, especially when there are other groups that they're talking about that could be referred to as they. As your story goes on, readers will get used to 'They' as a pronoun, and you can start using it more often.

The other thing is that I get that Ilal's a god, which is why Their pronouns are capitalized, but aren't Their brothers and sisters gods too? Shouldn't their pronouns be capitalized as well?

Other people have covered most of the grammatical things, so I won't dwell on that. Instead, I'll talk about Ilal. Right now, I'm not terribly interested in Them as a protagonist. We know They've argued with Their siblings, but that alone doesn't give a good sense of character. Right now, Ilal feels rather aloof, without strong emotions. I think a lot of this is the speaking style - most of your characters tend to speak very formally, which doesn't always fit the setting (it can here, as they're gods), but the bigger problem is when there's no contrast. If it was just Ilal speaking rather formally, it would set Them apart from the other characters and give us insight into them. But when everyone speaks so formally, it all blends together and makes the characters feel flat and awkward in their speech.

Honestly, I've always thought character voices are the hardest thing to do well in writing. Specifically, I think you could work to make one or two of your characters sound casual and more natural. But another thing to do to make Ilal more interesting is to give Them a stronger reaction to things like the fact Their siblings are arguing again.

I think that's all I've got for this one - I like how you set up the boy who's probably going to be important later on. You did a good job with the exposition - I understood what was going on, but it was all rather natural the way we find out about the family, as well as the magic and the boy. Keep writing!

Hey there, Light. Let's jump right into it.

From the sky, Ilal watched over the humans with Their shrewd eyes.

It was good to inspect Their creations, as, if They did not, Their mind would go back to the argument They had with Their siblings.

Sometimes, Ilal licked Their paws to conform with the form They took - half cat, half snake. All metallic black.

The young man on the vast field was shepherding his sheep.

They moved as a unit, but were as slow as snails, to their cage.

Peace wrapped around Them like a snug galaxy dress.

The enjoyment didn’t last long. Something purple glowed beside Them and They sighed in anticipation. They knew who was coming.

The glow expanded to create a human-size portal and from it emerged Anam, Their youngest sibling. A multi-coloured ring floated around his waist.

The epitome of maleness, he once said.

His voice was void of expression, but there was a hint of plead at the end.

I endow them with magic and this is how they use it - or lack thereof.’

Both of them disappeared into the portal before the violet ring shrunk into nothingness to the Fifth Dimension where they lived.

Hello!
Firstly, damn pal, this is good. Are you going to write more, if not about Ilal specifically, then about this world as a whole?

I don't really have enough complaints to be useful; My only advice is use Ilal's name more. 'They' is a great gender neutral pronoun, but you used it so often alongside the sheep's 'they' and Ilal's creation's 'they' that it became difficult to distinguish between them, despite the capital letter. (If that makes sense?)
Also, I'm presuming the Divine Five are whatever these 'gods' are -if I'm wrong then just ignore this entire paragraph- but unless the twins are counted as one, Ilal+Anam+Terna+Nevea+the twins = more than five. I'm sure you have an explanation for this, but it wasn't made clear in the story, and so unless this is part of a series, it's just confusing.

I feel like this is too negative, so I'm gonna gush: This was really good, or at least in my subjective opinion. I'm gonna be checking out your other works, because, as previously said, damn pal.

Hello there! I'm finally returning to the review scene, and what better way to do it than to follow a story from the very beginning? Thanks for the opportunity!

So let's get this show on the road, yeah?

A General Comment:

As a rule, you will want to prefer active verbs over passive or inactive ones (passive verbs encompass the forms of 'is,' 'will,' 'should,' etc.), because active verbs are stronger, more descriptive, and more engaging than passive ones. And while there are certainly instances where passive verbs are necessary, your descriptive passages are not one of them.

Let's look at the second paragraph, where you describe the shepherd:

First of all, you can skip the "was shepherding" and just say the young man "shepherded." I understand that you probably don't want this to be a short sentence, so once you've simplified your verb, you can dive in and add a dependent or "-ing clause," which will help you keep the pace slow and give room for further elaboration.

Next, when you say the shepherd "was gentle," think about how the man shows his gentleness. He probably touches the sheep, right? You can describe how he touches the sheep, or whether or not he whispers to any individuals. The trick is to use actions to imply a trait, not say a character has a trait and then try to back that up.

Nitpicking:

Because this is fairly short, I will do a little bit of nitpicking. Longer chapters I tend to not do this, or if you don't think nitpicking is helpful, just let me know and I'll stop.

Something purple glowed beside Them.

A sigh blended from with the passing wind.

It didn’t matter what They said to Anam; his stubbornness was magical