Young Writers Society

Hello FalconryGirl9086,

I promised a while ago that I would check out your works, so here I am! This does grab the reader's attention, and sets a basis for a story. I love the writing style- reading it almost feels like a fairy tale. However- it does seem to go on for a while before making it's point. I'm not saying that's a bad thing. It feels like a prologue to a much longer story, and I am eager to read the rest! I think that its a fascinating idea to have a creature of light that can see all lies, and a creature of darkness that can see all truth. I can't wait to see what trouble they get into!

~Kelpies.

So, I read Chapter 1 and then, in the comments, found out that you had a prologue! So, of course I had to look!

Most of it just seems like... filler? Stuff that you really don't know. Still, having read Chapter 1 first, I found this really useful:

A millennia ago, they say a two ravens walked the world, one white, the other black. The black one saw through all illusions, but was a creature of shadow, deception. The other saw through every truth into the lie it could be or already was, but was a beast of light and honesty. They walked the earth in peace, until, one day, a great evil came forth. It hunted them relentlessly, forcing the birds into hiding. In order to remain hidden, they changed their forms: one into a white-winged man, the other into a dark-winged woman. They flew to opposite ends of the world, to the purest forms of light and darkness, and there established their domain.

What came of them, no one ever knew. They simply disappeared and never returned. Some say they died, others that they finally found peace. Yet more say that perhaps they are still among us. Who will ever know?

Greetings! Let's get straight in the review.

Criticism:

In all honesty, I only have two extremely minor critiques. And they are strictly grammar related.

"Yet all life has *its* twists and turns." Is the correct way to say this.

"They flew to opposite ends of the world, to the purest forms of light and darkness, and there they established their domain." Is the correct way to say this.

Extremely minor nitpicks aside, I loved this introduction to the story. You clearly know what you are going and successfully manage to capture the reader's attentions with your solid writing style. I am looking forward to seeing where this goes.

Keep writing

OOooooooooh even more intriguing.

Nitpicks first to get them out of the way:

'A single candle flame, flickering alone against a sea of darkness. A single pillar of hope against a sea of evil. Or perhaps the last surviving spark of evil amongst a sea of good.' - there's a lot of 'sea' here... I think other metaphors could be used to not make it so repetitive. I'm just envisioning loads of different seas haha.

'Every one is born with a gift,' - 'Everyone' or 'Every one of us'

'they say a two ravens walked the world' - no 'a'

'What came of them, no one ever knew.' - What 'became' of them.

I like the raven idea. Is that your own or a myth? I'm curious as to how something can be a 'beast of light' when light has always been associated with good. But I guess the truth can hurt and be used for evil. And also the 'great evil' must really be truly evil because those ravens don't seem too nice anyway, must be something pretty terrifying to scare them away!

I'm interested to see who this narrator is. Is she the white raven? If she is... I think the last part is a bit cheesy - a bit like a pantomime thing. 'Where are they....? Oh, it's me!' But if she isn't then the ending is a good teaser.

I will be reading more

First of all, this is great. Really, truly great. The wording is so poetic and symbolic and it's wonderful. Still, there's so much that the real meaning can drown in it all.

From what I've seen, the part talking about gifts and the ravens' story are the most important. I suggest that you sort of re-format things so that the ravens' story is sort of spread through the prologue and then the gifts at the end. I might be wrong (I haven't read it yet) but I think that would best set the stage for the rest of the book.

I hope that's helpful.

Feltrix

Hai! MeatBunCat with her 1 of 3 planned reviews! Since this is pretty short, I'ma stick mostly to reacting and giving my thoughts on how you phrase things, because a lot of this is poetic prose. Something that knowing people's interpretations on is useful.

A single candle flame, flickering alone against a sea of darkness. A single pillar of hope against a sea of evil. Or perhaps the last surviving spark of evil amongst a sea of good. Maybe it is truth amongst lies, or lies amongst truth. It could simply be light in darkness, two opposites surviving in harmony. Maybe they are really the same thing, or two halves of the same whole. Perhaps neither exists but are both illusions; or, by seeing them, we make them real.

A web of fate and destiny weaves its way through the world, so many paths, so many endings. It is a deathtrap, a journey of pain, and, yet, its beauty is infinite in the morning dew, its artwork so unique and enrapturing one cannot look away.

Every one is born with a gift, a value or ability that is unique to them. Or perhaps it is a curse. I got the gift of truth. And yet, I was the utmost deceiver, the most deceived. I was manipulated, beguiled, tricked; I manipulated, beguiled, and tricked others.

A millennia ago, they say a two ravens walked the world, one white, the other black. The black one saw through all illusions, but was a creature of shadow, deception.

Since this one is short I just went ahead and read the whole thing before commenting. There are some gems in here, but unfortunately, they're buried in a lot of confusing prose that leaves me wondering what I've just read.

Here are what seem to be the most salient tidbits:

Every one is born with a gift, a value or ability that is unique to them. Or perhaps it is a curse. I got the gift of truth.

Some have the gift of sight, the ability to see that labyrinth and its twists and choices. But they cannot see clearly- they simply see different possibilities

they changed their forms: one into a white-winged man, the other into a dark-winged woman. They flew to opposite ends of the world

Those are the juicy bits, the pieces that taste of Plot and Character. The rest is mostly... fluff. Mysterious, poetic, beautiful nonsense.

For instance, the first paragraph is very metaphorical and ponderous/introspective. It has all these pretty phrases that seem to be hinting at deep meanings. But uh, as far as actual content goes... it's about 99% metaphor 1% content. You can surely get away with this in a middle of a book, but in paragraph one, the reader reaction tends to be something along the lines of "??"

Who knows? Who will ever know? Who would want to know?

Hi there !

I really love this prologue. It has a very poetic air to it, and your wording is powerful. You have a style that sets a certain solemn tone into the story, and it's really well-written. I like the structure, whereby you have relatively short paragraphs that are easy on the eyes, and each of them smoothly enters a new idea into your story. I'm looking forward to read what happens next.

This sounds really intriguing! I love the tone and wording, and although the prose is a bit purple and info-dumpy, it is a very good introduction to your story. The labyrinth metaphors are also very well done. I wonder what happened to the ravens, and I really want to read the next chapter. One thing I didn't like is that the light=good, dark=evil thing is kind of cliche, but that is just a minor nitpick of mine. Overall, you did a pretty good job setting up the story.

Hi, featherstone9086! I'm Pan, and I will be boiling up a quick review today.

First off, I didn't see any grammatical errors, which is always a big plus. Your sentences are varied and create a nice, musical pace, and you're good at creating parallelism where its needed. I can tell you're a very capable writer.

However, I do think this prologue falls slightly into the trap of trying too hard to be profound. It may just be that I'm an old grump and don't have much time for philosophy, but my attention wavered throughout the first few paragraphs because I felt like nothing of real substance was being said. It seemed that you were being led by your desire to use flowing language and beautiful metaphors rather than by the actual narrative. For instance:

A web of fate and destiny weaves its way through the world, so many paths, so many endings. It is a deathtrap, a journey of pain, and, yet, its beauty is infinite in the morning dew, its artwork so unique and enrapturing one cannot look away.

Hello, featherstone9086! I'm here to review.

Who knows? Who will ever know? Who would want to know?
I absolutely love that first paragraph. All the different thoughts and ideas, all the question marks and repetition... it shows just how much of a 'thinker' the narrator is. I love the atmosphere that is set.

forgive me the use of the word
This is the only sentence I think needs to be changed, and only the wording. It just doesn't sound right, I don't know how to explain it, sorry. But it should say: Forgive my use of the word.

My story is of many things: dark and light; future and past; confusion and guidance; but mostly of truth.
This prologue is so poetical. You use so many different words and descriptions all at once, and some people might not like that, but I really do. Your style of writing is beautiful, and I've got nothing else to say other than keep on writing because you're awesome at it!