Young Writers Society

ayy, it's awtbeyders b0ss, here to do the promised review

Disclaimer: Take everything I say with a grain of salt; it's your story, not mine.

Description. It's actually a very good description, worthy of a YA novel. It's ironic (in a good way) and it's catchy.

Paragraph1. Is this the name of the first part of the short story? Or is this supposed to be some sort of monologue? Either way, the way you show this lone phrase (no italics, first letters are capitalized, fragment) makes it seem really awkward and out of place.

P2. I didn't really expect much out of this YA thriller, to be honest, but I guess it's good. There's just a few nitpicks:
-"Fluttered" is more of a romantic word. I'm not sure if it should actually be in a pure action scene.
-Kevlar is proper noun (capitalize its first letter).

-This is more of an opinion, but feel that the way you introduce the main character's name is forced. I mean, it feels like you just tried to squeeze her name in the action scene. If I were you, I'd place it right at the start so that the introduction of her name won't be too sudden.
That's just me though.

Overall, the paragraph is detailed and well-described, but there are two problems. One, sometimes you get into the descriptions so much that the plot doesn't progress anymore, or at least the flow of events is hindered. I feel that it's important for the plot to progress, especially that this is an action scene. An example is the 7th-8th sentence.

Another one is the grammar, mechanics, and spelling. Seriously, this is basic English. Your errors make such a descriptive and beautiful paragraph harder to read. I hope you'll be able to cover this soon. Note that both of these occur all throughout the story.

P3. This one is more of a clash with the YA I'm used to, but you don't have to put quotation marks on thoughts if it's already italicized. I kind of get confused if it's her thoughts or her words.

Nitpicks:
-(1st sentence) Defend their own what?
-(S2) What about "deadlier" instead?
-Just a thought, but if it's just dark green grass and not tall grass, then I don't think she's hidden from sight. She'll be spotted immediately and nuked on sight.

Also, the fourth sentence just further describes the setting, then all of a sudden Ara's hidden herself in the grass. It's like you suddenly switched the POV or jumped into another point in time. Maybe you might want to write the fourth sentence in the active voice so that you can show Ara's actions as well as describe the scene.

Other than these, and the grammatical and spelling errors, this paragraph is alright.

P4. Damn. Ara's so talkative, even at the brink of death.

I think your descriptions are getting a bit out of proportion. At times, you put so much in between dialogue (1st and 2nd sentences). Sometimes the descriptions are disorganized or repetitive(6th-8th sentences "The small girl.."). They hinder the flow of events and distract the reader from what's actually happening.

I've got nothing against bootyful descriptions, but it gets annoying when it's overdone. What I suggest is remove everything that isn't needed or is already mentioned in previous sentences or is already obvious. If you still want to keep those descriptions, I suggest you compress them into fewer sentences. Make sure they're still coherent though.

Or maybe it's just a clash with my writing style.

P5. Ayt, just one more thing to point out 'til we're done.

I feel a contradiction in the second sentence. If her will to live quieted, then doesn't that mean she's lost all hope? Also, I suggest you place swap the places of the first pronoun "her" with its antecedent (the fourteen-year-old girl), so that we know who you are talking about right away.

Overall, this first part is messily picturesque, but still better than many YA chapters I've read here in YWS.

omg there's a YA chapter I actually like. the end is nigh

Anyways, keep on writing and I'll see you again in the future.

Wow! This first chapter was amazing! It was so well written and really detailed! I loved it! One of my favourite parts is how you describe the shooting scene, as she doesn't know straight away she's been shot, but it slowly comes to her in the end! I also love the humour you put in with child birth, that giving life, and bullets bringing death. I also really liked how you described the hand forcing the blood back into her stomach hole. It gave me a clear picture of what putting pressure on the wound is.

Great story! I'm gonna read more, and keep commenting!

Royal here for a review! Also, welcome to YWS!
Let's get to work.

This was generally well-written, but it has a few problems.
"Frontwards" is awkward. I'd replace it with "forwards."
The first sentence is a run-on; need a period between "frontwards" and "she."
I'd replace "increasingly" with "getting," so the line reads: "She was getting hotter by the minute."

It was choatic, there were terrifying blurs of cavlar and flurries of bullets rushing past her at rapid speed.

That was when Ara realized she had been caught in the crossfire, the red staining her arms wasn't her sister's blood- it was her own and very fresh.

She cried out, as she could feel the nine millimeter slug lodged in her midsection.

The ground met her body with a sting as some sort of metal hit her face, sending starbursts into her eyes. She placed an arm in front of herself and crawled towards the treeline as fast as her weakening body could go.

Granted, she was safer, but not entirely safe.

She gagged at the stench and forced herself to look away," Except that brings life," she hiccuped a sob," this brings death."

Ara felt like she was too young to die-she was.

Ara was deathly afraid for her life, friends in nearby encampments, and the simple fact that she was slowly and painfully dying.

Ara's malnourished hand forced the lifeblood back into the seeping whole in her gut as she struggled to keep her eyes alive.

Written beautifully! A slight touch of humour was felt, which is hard for the writers to bring into their writing. Your vocabulary seems farely strong and that's a plus point for you too. All I could find was the problem with punctuations......

She cried out as she could feel the nine millimeter slug lodged in her midsection

........ slug lodged in her midsection, she dared not look down lest she lose consciousness.

"Ten more feet... just ten more..." Ara thought as she tried to block out the sound of her friends and strangers alike fighting and dying to defend their own.