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Young Writers Society



The Case of the Necromancer-For-Hire: Chapter 1

by Mageheart


Author's Note: This story was originally published back in November of 2015. Since then, the characters have been taken out of their fantasy setting and thrown into a much more contemporary one. But after seeing some awesome submissions for the Revision Contest running in October of 2020, I decided to revisit this work - and republish the original for comparison! I hope you enjoy a glimpse into 2015 Mage's writing.

Author's Note: Hello, dear reader. My name is TheLearningWriter, and this is the first case in The Schadel Files, a mystery series that takes place in a universe that is far different that own. To avoid any future confusion, this universe works similarly to a video game. If you don't play video games, the term "drop" refers to what is left behind when a monster is killed. The bright light that fills the sky is the equivalent of a monster dying. With that in mind, enjoy the first of The Schadel Files.

The Case of the Necromancer-For-Hire

Chapter 1

The longsword is as much a part of her as her arms and legs are. It is what makes the young warrior whole, and when she fights with it her movements are fluid and quick. One swift slice of her blade finishes off the monster.

The monster's remains burst into a bright light that fills the sky. Her gaze travels to two other girls standing nearby. None of them have reached the age of sixteen yet, and the three have been together for years.

“Hey, Zarith, Oona!” She yells excitedly as the sword is returned to its sheath. “Look at the loot from this guy! We'll be able to get the nicest rooms in the inn!” The girl waits several seconds before repeating their names. "Zarith, Oona!" Neither of the two respond. Over and over again she speaks, waiting for one of the two to notice what she's done. Why don't they answer her?

She knows the reason, actually. It was more of a rhetorical question. While she was working her hardest to defeat the gigantic wolf, Zarith and Oona were conversing about the newest armor and fighting tactics.

Her grin fades, and she pockets the gold coins. 

The girl notices a fang out of the corner of her eye. Though she's no drop expert, she understands that this could be a chance for more money. She puts it into a small leather pouch that rests at her side.

As the trio walks out of the forest, she trails behind the two chatting girls. She starts to quietly sing. The song is a somewhat morbid song, and yet she's somehow known it for as long as she can remember. She thinks she heard the bards sing it when she was little, but she honestly doesn't know when she first heard it. It has always offered her a strange sense of comfort. It's the only constant in her short, fourteen year long life.

“That's some pretty nice singing, you know.” The girl jumps. Her friends are obliviously continuing on their way. “Shame you aren't a bard.” Green eyes frantically glance around the woods, finally settling on a humanoid figure perched on a tree branch. The sun suddenly breaks free, its brilliant rays revealing the figure to be a boy. From the sound of his voice, a boy around her age.

The boy takes a bite out of a small apple.

“Wh-Who are you?” She manages to get out. Where had this strange boy come from? She hadn't sensed or heard him. She is failing at being a decent warrior. Or, she realizes, this boy is so experienced that he was able to sneak up on her.

“I'm a mage-for-hire.” He jumps down from the branch, landing on the ground with a soft thud. The apple is thrown to the side.

He's dressed in a black cloak, with silver runes sewn into all parts of his attire. A skull necklace rests against his chest. And, in dirtied bandages on his back, is a scythe. “Well, more like necromancer-for-hire, but for some reason it just doesn't work on the resume.”

“Oh.” She says. Her eyes wander down the path. Her friends are long gone now. She knows that she should try to catch up to them, but something makes her want to stay. Let them worry for once when they realize I'm not quietly following them, she rebelliously decides. “What's your name? I'm Proschima. But everyone calls me Chi.” The girl sticks her hand out.

His bandaged hand shakes it. “I'm Schadel. Were those two your friends?”

Chi gives a slow nod.

She can only make out a pair of intelligent silver eyes on Schadel's face. The rest is hidden by a combination of shadows from his hood and the bandages wrapped all over him. Those strange silver eyes watch her for a second before he speaks once again. “Then I think you need some new friends.”

Chi stays silent, her green eyes focusing on the ground underneath her as she remembers a time when it wasn't always this way. She wants to hold onto that precious time, and clings to the chance of her dreams coming true.

“They're my friends.” The girl says slowly. “I've known Zarith since we pretended to be princesses and knights in shining armor. Since we decided we wanted to go on adventures.”

“Friends don't always stick close together.” Schadel points out. “You gain friends. You believe in best friends, that you'll always be together for the rest of your life. And maybe even beyond that. But then you drift apart, or something tears you apart. You lose them, and then gain more friends. The cycle repeats itself over and over until the day your coffin is lowered into a worm-ridden hole. It's an unavoidable part of life.”

Her lips quiver, and she bites the inside of her mouth. Who does this boy think he is, saying something like that? People do stay together. It's not a stupid dream, a stupid fairy tale. You don't drift apart. You always have that one person you can rely on. Like Zarith before either one of them had even heard the name Oona. “You're wrong." She quietly whispers. "You're wrong."

"I'm not. You've lost your friends long ago, Chi. It's time to move on. To make new ones."

"It was nice meeting you, Schadel.” Chi coldly says. She begins to walk away, only to glance over her shoulder at him. “But I'm perfectly happy with my current friends, thank you very much.”

As the white haired girl marches off, Schadel gives a frown and pulls out a scroll. It is her name on there, and the picture is of her. He sighs and returns it to his bag. “She's the one, alright,” Schadel says to the air next to him.

* * * * *

Chi opens the door to her new room in the inn. Though Zarith, Oona, and her are a team, there isn't enough beds in a room for three people. So, like usual, she was the one who offered to sleep in a different room. Maybe she should have gotten Oona to take the extra room instead. Yet Chi knows that she couldn't do that. She's too kind - something that always seems to bite her in the butt later on.

This room is larger than the last one. She wishes that she owned something to put up on the walls, but all she has is her trusty sword, knife, traveling pack, and several outfits that are all getting a little too small. Chi settles with resting her sword near the door. The nearly empty sack of coins is dropped onto the table, along with her knife and the bleached white fang. She places her backpack at the end of the bed, and begins to put all of her clothes into the dresser that's near the window.

As she does so, she puts aside a nightgown to wear later. After five minutes she finishes folding them and organizing her clothes into the right drawers. Chi grins at the sight of the bathroom drawer. She'll be able to take a shower, something that she hasn't had the luxury of in a long time.

* * * * *

Her hair is still wet as she jumps onto the bed. It creaks underneath her, and she's upset to find that it isn't half as comfortable as she had originally guessed. It's too warm for her to slide under the covers. Once the sun sets, it will be cool enough. As she stares up at the ceiling, she starts to think about all that happened today.

Zarith and Oona had been worried sick about her - although they were convinced that they had lost her once they reached town, not in the forest. She grabs the fang from the nightstand and begins to finger it. It's surprisingly smooth-enough that she doesn't draw blood when she touches the tip.

Who is Schadel? She had never heard of a necromancer-for-hire before. And there was something about his eyes. Something almost surreal. For some strange reason, Chi finds that she now wants to learn about the mysterious boy. It's like when she's reading one of Zarith's mysteries. Schadel has piqued her interest, and Chi knows that she won't be satisfied until she knows more about the necromancer-for-hire.

Her mind flashes back. Then I think you need some new friends. Is Schadel right? Does she really need new friends? She still fondly remembers when she first met Zarith during a training session at battle school, and just as fondly remembers being introduced to Oona because of Zarith.

She buries her head in her pillow. It's so hard to decide where to draw the line. Who would she go to if she suddenly were friendless? Who would she fight with? It's always been their little group of three. For years they've been a team. When did they start to fall apart?

Chi suddenly becomes aware of the sound of someone moving about in her room. What's extremely worrisome is that Zarith and Oona would announce their entrance. And there is also the fact that her door is locked.

She peeks her head up to see a tall, darkness shrouded being peering down at her with empty eyes. It almost reaches the uneven ceiling - in fact, it's ducking as it stares at her - and on its back is a gigantic silver scythe. Chi resists the urge to scream. Her sword is too far away to defeat this monster, and there's no way she can destroy it with her fists.

She has to do something. As Chi rushes to come up with some way to save herself, her eyes settle upon the small knife she has on her nightstand. She has forgotten about that rusty dagger many times before, but this could be what allows her to live. She grips the hilt and thrusts it into the monster's side.

It yelps out in pain, clutching its side as long fingers attempt to remove the weapon. She scrambles to her feet. Now that she has her trusty longsword in her hand, Chi feels much more confident. Although there is a certain thing about wearing a nightgown in a battle that makes her suddenly not feel as powerful.

Her eyes meet the empty pits on the monster's face. She holds the longsword out before her, the tip touching the area where a human's heart would be. For some reason she can't finish the attack.

“Well, crap.” It says. The dagger is dropped onto the ground. “I've been discovered.”

A small ball of light shoots in through the window. It settles on the ground, and the form of a small child flickers into existence. “I told you so.” The transparent girl says as she crosses her arms. Chi stares at her. This young girl can't be more than eight years old. Is she a…Is she a ghost?

The monster copies the girl's gesture. “You did not.”

“Did too.”

“Prove it.”

“…I can't.”

“Then I'm right.” The monster says smugly as it moves past the dresser. It sits on the windowsill, kicking its legs back and forth.

“Sorry to burst your bubble, but that means your claim is just as worthless.”

“Damn it!” the dark being exclaimed, jumping to its feet. “How come you always win? You're like, what, turning eight hundred-”

“Nine hundred.” She angrily points out.

It waves one of its hands as if trying to brush off the comment. “Close enough. But like I was saying, you're way younger than me! It just isn't fair!”

“Life isn't fair.”

It gives a short laugh. “You act like I don't know that already.” The being turns to look at Chi, whose grip on her sword is tighter than ever before. “Hello again.”

“Huh?” She lowers her sword slightly.

The ghost elbows the dark being. “Form.”

“Oh. That.” It snaps its fingers, and its form starts to shift. The monster becomes smaller, and its edges smoother. The scythe grows smaller as well. Bandages appear over both the monster and the scythe. The change finishes with black clothes popping into existence over the bandages covering its body.

“Hello again, Chi.” The necromancer-for-hire says with a smile.


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Tue Nov 24, 2015 2:05 am
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felistia wrote a review...



Hi Magestorrow, Felistia here with a review on your story.
I just have to say that this reminds me of a game I play called Monster Hunter. It has long swords, armour, monsters to fight. Just saying.
Now on with the review.

Story: Fairly interesting for the first chapter. I like how you end the chapter with a cliff hanger, but the beginning of the chapter could be more interesting. Maybe have Chi fighting the monster a bit. Throwing the reader directly into action will make them want to read further into the book.

Characters: I like the characters and how you described them in the story. You might have described them a bit more, but that's a small nit-pick. My favourite is the necromancer-for-hire. You give a sense of foreboding with his silver eyes and how they look mysterious.

Setting: Over all this is a little weak when it comes to the forest. You didn't seem to describe any smells, sounds, tastes, feelings or much sight. I think it would be good if you went back and included a bit more description. The inn you described is well done though.

Over all I liked it and is a good first chapter. If you want me to review the next chapters just let me know. I hope you have a great day\night




Mageheart says...


Hm...I haven't played it before, but I'm glad you think it's like a video game! Thanks for reviewing, by the way!
I hadn't thought of that, but when I do some major revisions in the future, I'll make sure to elaborate more on the fight.
I admit that though I'm this story's creator, and I shouldn't have favorite characters, I love Schadel to pieces. :D
Thanks! I'll make sure to elaborate more in the future!
I would love if you did. Have a great day/night too!



felistia says...


I'll carry on reading your story then. Did you like the format of my review. I am trying to make it more readable.



Mageheart says...


It's perfect! :D



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Fri Nov 06, 2015 10:42 pm
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Carlito wrote a review...



Hello! I haven't read any of the previous reviews, so I'll apologize in advance if I repeat something.

I don't read much fantasy, so I don't know a lot about common tropes and the ins and outs of the genre. However, I do find this to be a really intriguing idea with the world being sort of like inside a video game. Based on that alone I think this has a lot of potential, but right now I'm having a hard time jumping on board.

I think the big thing you can do to propel this to the next level is showing a lot more. To me, a lot of this is telling, it jumps a lot, and it's hard for me to feel grounded and like I have a sense of what's going on. I'll break that down a bit more.

The beginning - I think the opening could be a little stronger. I didn’t realize right off of the bat what was going on exactly. I thought we were starting with an info-dump, but then it hit me that the MC (?) is fighting someone/thing. I don’t want an author’s note at the beginning of a novel explaining some key elements before I begin, I want those details weaved into the story, and I think this is the perfect place to do it.

So in those opening paragraphs, I want to know: 1. Who my MC is, 2. What this MC is doing. It takes paragraphs for me to learn her name, but the story is told in third person. I don't really know what she looks like (but please don't give me a long info-dumpy description). I don't really have a good sense of what's going on here. Where are we? What exactly is she doing? Why is she doing it? Paint me a picture. Set the scene with lots of descriptive words and then show me as the reader exactly what is going on. I'm sure you see this like a movie playing in your head, but we as the readers don't have that same window. Let us in with your descriptions. Think about the five senses and how things develop one step at a time.

The characters - There's a lot of telling here and I want a lot more personality. I don't really understand who the MC is and what motivates her and what she wants and what she's doing. I know it's early and it's the first chapter but all I've gotten from her is that she's a fighter and she fights things. I appreciated that we got some of her thoughts in there (specifically after the second ***) and I think I want more of that. I want to know how this girl thinks and what she feels and what her motivations are for doing what she does.

As for the friends, I'd like a little more interaction with them. When the necromancer mentions her friends and how she needs better friends and she's contemplating that I don't really know how to feel because I don't know the friends at all. I have zero context. I've seen them ignore her a couple of times but that doesn't seem like enough for me to form an opinion on them and then the MC has this big existential crisis over them. I would consider developing them a little more before you bring in all of the MC's mixed feelings about them. And when I say develop I want more scene that show her relationship with them.

As for the necromancer, I found him to be the most interesting. I actually think I have a pretty good picture of him in my head and I kind of enjoyed is creepy little personality :) I appreciated that he was introduced very early in the story. I think you started in the right place and I like how he was introduced and how that played out.

The world - I've mentioned this a little already, but you have a really interesting world here. I'm always so fascinated by the worlds fantasy writers come up with because that is just not where my strengths are :) That being said, I want to know so much more about the world. I know it's very early but I want the world dripping off of the page. I'm glad you didn't info-dump about how the world works or anything like that, but I want a lot more setting. I want a better picture of what things look like and how things work. Show me. Show me in the action and the characters and in general beautiful descriptions. I want to see this world in my head and I want to start to develop and understanding of how things work here. It's the first chapter so you obviously don't need to (and shouldn't) give it all away right now, but I want a little more.

The plot - Again, I think you started in the right place. I like that you opened with an action scene (but again, this can be developed more). I also like that you introduced me to the main players right away. Everyone has different styles with length of chapter and how chapters are structured, so I don't want to step on your style too much. However, I don't think everything you included in this chapter is necessary. I kind of think you could take out everything that comes after the first ***.

I know that probably sounds a little extreme, but here's what I'm thinking. So much has happened in the first chapter and as a reader, I feel a little lost or like I'm not quite sure what to focus on. If the first chapter is only that part before the *** you have so much room to expand it and develop it more so the characters feel real and the world feels real and I feel like I'm right there in your head with you seeing this all unfold and play out.

I didn't think the little three paragraph section between the two sets of ***s added much, but I thought the longer part after the last *** was interesting. Again, I would want it developed a lot more because there was a lot of telling and it was hard to follow at times. I want a clear picture of where we are and what's going on like it were playing as a movie. Keeping it in there as is, I think it makes that first chapter a little cluttered, as in there's a lot going on. I would personally make it two chapters. However, if your style and your preference for the novel is longer chapters, that's fine. :)

I'll leave things there for now. I know I said a lot of things so please let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing! I'm curious to see how this continues! :)




Mageheart says...


I'm super sorry for taking so long to reply! Especially since I asked you to review for me. I've just been so busy, and haven't gotten a chance to reply to your wonderfully long reviews!
I guess I have to do a really large rewrite from your review. I can't wait to see how it turns out after I'm done with the rewrite. (It might take awhile.) :D
Know what's funny? The beginning has been bothering me for awhile now, but no one seemed to think anything wrong was with it, so I thought it was just my imagination! I guess it wasn't. :D I enjoy his creepy personality too. :D The funny thing is that he just sort of appeared. This was just supposed to be a short story, but then he came to me. I'm so glad that he did.
World building is a big task, but I'm starting to get an understanding of the world Chi lives in. So I should be able to get it to drip off the page (screen?).
I'll probably do that after I revise the chapter. I like writing longer chapters, so before that wouldn't be too much.
I added that three paragraph part after someone said that I needed to elaborate on Chi's inn room.
Thanks so much for reviewing! :D Have a great day!



Carlito says...


No problem at all! I totally understand being busy :)
And rewrites always take some time, but in my experience, they're always worth it :D



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Fri Oct 30, 2015 7:48 pm
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RagingLive wrote a review...



Hello, TheLearningWriter! RagingLive here to review Chapter One of your novel! :)

First of all, I can see that you have many, good-quality reviews on this chapter and they cover a lot. It doesn't look like you've made a lot of edits on this, so I apologize if I harp on something that has already been said.

The longsword is a part of her as much as her arms and legs are.

Alrighty, opening sentences are very vital to the existence of you chapter. Why? Because if you don't grab the reader right away, it might be harder for them to continue and they might even set your novel aside. I think that your opening line is very nice, however you formulated it in a way that seems clunky and hard to read. Maybe if we rephrased this:
"The long sword is as much a part of her as her legs and arms are."

The monster's remains burst into a bright light that fills the sky.

Hmm. Here I was honestly confused. Maybe it's because I don't read much fantasy, and if so I apologize, but normally I think of "remains" as something that scatters all bloodily like on the ground. The way that you said that they "burst into a bright light that fills the sky" made me think of a fireball or something that shot up into the night - then we deal with the fact that there was nothing to set the monster's remains on fire? Maybe if the girl lights the remains with matches or something? Anyway, the way you have it now is just confusing.

Let them worry for once when they realize she isn't quietly following them, she rebelliously decides.

Normally when the POV person/narrator is deciding something in their heads, or a random thought, we describe it in italics and rephrase in first person.
Let them worry for once when they realize I'm not quietly following them, she rebelliously decides.

However, if you don't like that, the way you have it now is fine even if it's a bit confusing.

“Friends don't always stick close together.” Schadel points out. “You gain friends. You believe in best friends, that you'll always be together for the rest of your life. And maybe even beyond that. But then you drift apart, or something tears you apart. You lose them, and then gain more friends. The cycle repeats itself over and over until the day your coffin is lowered into a worm-ridden hole. It's an unavoidable part of life.”

In my opinion, this kid is very mature. This whole sentence has true meaning to it that can be applied to someone's everyday life, but am I sensing Schadel subtly forewarning Chi about something?

She's too kind-something that always seems to bite her in the butt later on.

I completely missed what you were trying to say here, until I realized that the hyphen was meant for dramatics and not for merging two words together. The way I read the above sentence was "kind-something" instead of "kind - something". Do you get that at all? The first made the two words look like one and thus made your whole sentence hard to read. put a space before and after the comma and - poof! - you have an easily readable sentence! Works every time! :D
However, you have a few other places where you did this that you might want to edit as well.

Once she realizes that, she starts to brainstorm.

This sounds clunky and a bit unprofessional in your story. You already said that she realized she had to do something so I would omit the sentence above so that your story is a bit more polished.

Interesting ending! I was definitely not expecting either ghost to appear, though I was almost positive it was Schadel in the room from the very beginning.
I hope that my review helped you, and if you have any questions or want to set me straight on anything, feel free to message me in the comments below, or PM me.

Keep writing and keep on smiling!! :D
~RagingLive




Mageheart says...


First things first. Thanks for reviewing this! I really appreciate it! :D
For any of the grammar problems or hyphen problems you pointed out, I thank you a lot. I suck at grammar. :(
I'm going to put an author's note at the beginning of this to make everything clearer for readers, but to explain the part about the monster, Chi lives in a world that works like a video game. For example, the fang is a drop, or something that you get when you defeat a monster. The white light is supposed to be similar to when a monster is defeated. But as I said earlier, I'll put that in the author's note.
I'll change the thoughts too. :D
As you read ahead, you'll understand why he's like that. There's a good reason.
Ironically enough, someone pointed that same mistake out to me around the same time you did, so I was going to change that anyways. But thanks!
Once again, I really appreciate you reviewing.
By the way, the reason I asked you to review when I was going through the Will Review for Food section of the website was because you were the captain of my first ever review team, Team TARDIS. That was so much fun!
You do too!



RagingLive says...


First of all, thanks for responding! Sometimes it's hard to know if you helped someone when they don't respond.
Second, I have my fair share of grammar problems as well, so don't go asking anyone around here for their horror stories involving my works!
Okay, so I don't play many video games, but I have seen some in action so I think I understand now. Thanks!
Go Team TARDIS! We won too, I'm pretty sure. Unfortunately it was never official because they didn't ever write up the Review Day Review -- the official stats for the day. *cues spooky music* The September Review Day never happened! Oooo-oooooh!

I hope I get the pleasure to review for you again!
~RagingLive



Mageheart says...


I totally understand you there. That's why I'm going to try to like every review I get when I receive them, so people know that I at least looked at them.
You're welcome! :D
Oh my god, you're right!
If you want, there's six other chapters!



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Wed Oct 14, 2015 6:01 pm
tigeraye wrote a review...



Hi friend, I'm looking for a new novel to follow and your description sounded interesting so I'm deciding to read it. You already have some pretty great reviews so I'm not sure if I can help you much more, but I thought I'd read through and give you my thoughts as I go. It helps sometimes to see what a reader sees x_x

The longsword is a part of her as much as her arms and legs are. It is what makes the young warrior whole, and when she fights with it her movements are fluid and quick. One swift slice of her blade finishes off the monster.


Stories about warriors are always pretty interesting to me, and it sounds just by this sentence that the potential for this universe is extraordinary. I think of something like a Grandia setting when I think of a skilled warrior slaying a monster. If you've never played Grandia sorry x_x

The monster's remains burst into a bright light that fills the sky. Her gaze travels to two other girls standing nearby. None of them have reached the age of sixteen yet, and the three have been together for years.


Very vivid image here, and an alarming one at that. Just the explosion of the monster into a beautiful horizon is what I see, and it's a powerful image that definitely draws me into the story.

“Hey, Zarith, Oona!” She yells excitedly as the sword is returned to its sheath. “Look at the loot from this guy! We'll be able to get the nicest rooms in the inn!” The girl waits several seconds before repeating their names. "Zarith, Oona!" Neither of the two respond. Over and over again she speaks, waiting for one of the two to notice what she's done. Why don't they answer her?

She knows the reason, actually. It was more of a rhetorical question. While she was working her hardest to defeat the gigantic wolf, Zarith and Oona were conversing about the newest armor and fighting tactics.


So we get introduced to some more characters, and they're concentrating warriors who have been friends for life.

Her grin fades, and she pockets the gold coins.


ah, so coins fall out of monsters corpses. It really is a JRPG x_x

“Oh.” She says. Her eyes wander down the path. Her friends are long gone now. She knows that she should try to catch up to them, but something makes her want to stay. Let them worry for once when they realize she isn't quietly following them, she rebelliously decides. “What's your name? I'm Proschima. But everyone calls me Chi.” The girl sticks her hand out.

His bandaged hand shakes it. “The name's Schadel. Were those two your friends?”

Chi gives a slow nod.


The new character is pretty interesting.

“Friends don't always stick close together.” Schadel points out. “You gain friends. You believe in best friends, that you'll always be together for the rest of your life. And maybe even beyond that. But then you drift apart, or something tears you apart. You lose them, and then gain more friends. The cycle repeats itself over and over until the day your coffin is lowered into a worm-ridden hole. It's an unavoidable part of life.”


It's a nice change from the rest of the cheery, story. Not so much of a pessimist, I'd say he's a cynical realist and i like that.

Her lips quiver, and she bites the inside of her mouth. Who does this boy think he is, saying something like that? People do stay together. It's not a stupid dream, a stupid fairy tale. You don't drift apart. You always have that one person you can rely on. Like Zarith before either one of them had even heard the name Oona. “You're wrong." She quietly whispers. "You're wrong."


eh, I'm with Schadel on this one. It's an interesting sub-theme regardless, and definitely sets an effort of closeness between the characters early on - it's well done.

She peeks her head up to see a tall, darkness shrouded being peering down at her with empty eyes. It almost reaches the uneven ceiling-In fact, it's ducking as it stares at her-and on its back is a gigantic silver scythe. Chi resists the urge to scream. Her sword is too far away to defeat this monster, and there's no way she can destroy it with her fists.


Did her confidence really fade that fast? hmm.

“Hello again, Chi.” The necromancer-for-hire says with a smile.


All that drama and it just end up being him again. Well played x_x

This definitely has potential, I'd say. You have at least one interesting character in Schadel, and I do like the idea of the world you created, overall. My biggest advice for you would just be to read out your sentences out loud to see if they'll make sense from the reader's point of view. The ending was a funny twist, and definitely leaves a lot of room for wanting to read the next parts. I'd say keep going, might check out the other chapters some time.




Mageheart says...


I haven't, unfortunately. But I bet that it's fun!
I'm glad that you like it so much, and I think you'll like Schadel even more later on.
That's a good idea! I do end up reading them to my unlucky friends, but for some reason I never thought of reading aloud and then posting. Thanks for the advice and the review!



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Wed Sep 30, 2015 5:36 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



“Then I think you need some new friends.”


Truth. She just dispatched a monster by herself while her friends were yakking it up, and then they don't even notice that she's fallen behind. Wow, girls. Wow.

You don't drift apart. You always have that one person you can rely on. Like Zarith before either one of them had even heard the name Oona.


Oooooooh. Suddenly I see how it is.

I got a little confused in the part with the monster and the little girl. I mean, it didn't confuse me at all when Schadel turns out to be the monster, because I suspected that just because of a) the scythe and b) the fact that Chi couldn't kill him for some reason. But just while he and the ghostish girl were talking. It might have been the lack of dialogue tags. I mean, you don't have to have a tag for every line, but since there were three of them in the room I was slightly confused as to who was talking during the initial exchange, and then when you get to this part:

The ghost elbows it. “Form.”


In the previous line, Chi said "Huh?" and lowered her sword, so when you said "the girl elbows it," I had this idea that she was elbowing the sword and saying something to Chi about correcting her form (like fighting stance or whatever). So there also, maybe "it" should become "the monster" to clarify what you meant there.

(I like that whole exchange, I was just confused.)

The only other part was toward the beginning, when Chi calls to Zarith and Oona and they don't answer because they're talking. Before you clarified that they'd just been yik-yakking through the whole fight, I thought something was wrong--like they actually weren't answering, like they were being totally silent because they'd been frozen or something by some magic. So to avoid confusion and also just to show a little more how they are, I suggest actually writing out some of their conversation. That will also drive home more powerfully how they kind of ignore Chi, if she's calling them and we hear what they're saying rather than just being told they don't answer her.

I think my favorite line was this:

“Well, more like necromancer-for-hire, but for some reason it just doesn't work on the resume.”


It was a practical consideration but also amusing.

BlueAfrica




Mageheart says...


People can be oblivious idiots, can't they?
Yes! I successfully did a show and not tell thing! It finally worked. :D
I'll work on both of those areas.
I love that line too!
Thank you so much!



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Lightsong wrote a review...



Hey, I'm here to review as requested. :)

First, the suggestions;

Spoiler! :
Her eyes wander from the monster's remains, which soon burst into bright light that fills the sky, to two other teenagers.


There's something iffy about this sentence... ah! "Her eyes wander from the monster's remains..." >.> You know what I'm going to say. Her eyes can't possibly wander from the monster's" remains, it should be "at the monster's remains". It would also nice to describe the light a bit, how does it burst into? Swirling? An explosion to all directions? It would make the imagery and more detailed and creative.

“Hey Zarith, Oona!” She yells excitedly as the sword is returned to its sheath.


A comma after "hey", please. :3

The girl notices a fang out of the corner of her eye.


I think it's better to make the view of the fang vaguer. I also have problem on how the first thing she sees is the fang, and not the owner of the said fang. "Glimpse of a presence" would suit more if you're talking about seeing someone passing by in a flash.

"Were those two your friends?"


Hmm? What does this supposed to mean? They're not her friends anymore, that everything's in the past? o.o

“She's the one, alright.” Schadel says to the air next to him.


Replaced the first dot to comma.

Zarith and Oona had been worried sick about her-Although they were convinced that they had lost her once they reached town, not in the forest.


The use of hyphen is correct here but after that you need to decapitilize the word, unless it's I and names.

Then I think you need some new friends.”


I think italicizing is enough to make the dialogue to be in past tense, you don't need to put dialogue tags for it, plus everyone knows it's a dialogue.

“Damn it!” The dark being exclaimed, jumping to its feet.


Always, always de-capitalize the word after a dialogue tag - whatever pronouns, except I and names.[/quote]


Now, for others;

I like the plot. It's an interesting question about how the cycle of friends include leaving the old ones and getting the new ones. It's certainly true but as Chi says, you can stay with the old ones by maintaining the friendship. I think this question stands out this chapter more than that necromancer-for-hire. I do think the bit about him checking whether she's the right one on the scroll intriguing,

As for necromancer-for-hire, I haven't felt yet his character, so we need to see more of him later on. I also feel like the scene between him and the ghost seems out of a sudden, it's like a forced transition from action-y to light-hearted. I suggest you to take it slow. Also, the part where Chi sings feel like out of a sudden too - I mean, why does she do that? Is there a reason for it? Flesh it out.

I think you can do more with settings. Like, her room. There's a huge opportunity there to describe what's it looks like and how does it reflect to Chi's state of finance, her taste on room decoration. The descriptions not only would give us a nice imagery, but also tells us about her personality by showing us that. Remember this every time you set the characters in a new place.

Anyway, that's all! Keep up the good job! :D




Mageheart says...


Thanks!
I've read through all of the grammar advice, and I'll fix it once I get some free time. :D
Alright. From now on, the necromancer-for-hire needs to be more description, I guess? I'm a writer and I can't find the right word. Nice job me. And yes, the singing does have a lot of importance. Like really big importance.
When I do the revisions, I'll edit that as well. Although, once the story is written out more, I'll have her room really described.
I will, and thanks for reviewing Schadel!



Mageheart says...


Oh, that "Where those two your friends?" line is in last tense because Zarith and Oona had gone farther ahead. Neither Schadel or Chi were able to see them.



Mageheart says...


And the fang is a drop item...The realm this story takes place in is very similar to a video game. When a monster is killed, they leave behind remnants of themselves. In the case of the wolf, a fang.



BluesClues says...


Ah. That would be good to clarify, that the monsters vanish but leave behind small remnants like in a video game. Because I did not get that out of this at all.



Mageheart says...


I'll clarify that more in the future when I revise this again. By the way, @Lightsong, chapters 2 and 3 are now out.



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iamanaspiringwriter wrote a review...



Hello TheLearningWriter! Happy review day at YWS! I'm sorry my review will consist of a lot of nitpicks, but I seriously liked the story more than it may seem. Each phrase and response has the same number so you can keep track of which goes with which. Here goes nothing:


1. Her eyes wander from the monster's remains, which soon burst into bright light that fills the sky, to two other teenagers.

1. This isn't really that it's wrong, but I just feel like it's a bit of a run-on sentence. It could go either way really. It says, "Her eyes wander from the monster's remains, which soon burst into bright light that fills the sky, to two other teenagers." The "two other teenagers" and the "her eyes wander" seem disconnected because of all of the words in between them. I would probably just cut out the "which soon burst into bright light that fills the sky". I just noticed something else. You say "which soon burst into...." Does the main character even have time to wait for the remains to burst? Because if the MC's eyes are currently wandering (present tense), and then you are saying "which soon burst... (Past tense because you know that the remains soon burst) those don't match because you are mixing tenses. Sorry if that is hard to understand, I tried to phrase it the best I could!

2. None of them have reached the age of sixteen yet, and the three had been together for years.

2. I just would phrase this sentence differently, I feel like it doesn't flow well. I would probably phrase it as, "The three of them had been together for years, yet they hadn't even reached sixteen yet." Just my opinion.

3. “Hey Zarith, Oona!” She yells excitedly as the sword is returned to its sheath. “Look at the loot from this guy! We'll be able to get the nicest rooms in the inn!” Why don't they answer her?

3. I feel like you didn't really give the other characters time to answer her. I just feel like you jumped into "Why don't they answer her" too fast.

4. It's a somewhat horrific song, and yet she's known it for as long as she can remember

4. I feel like the "horrific song" part and the "knowing it for as long as she can remember" part don't really relate. Maybe instead you could say "It's a somewhat horrific song, yet she found herself singing it almost everyday." I just feel like those two things don't go together in a sentence because they don't relate.

5. The girl is failing at being a decent warrior. Or, she realizes, this boy is so experienced that he was able to sneak up on her.

5. Right here, I would instead say "she is failing at being..." rather than "the girl is..." because I feel like you are jumping between perspectives rather quickly.

6. The fighter's friends are long gone now.

6. Instead of referring to her as "the fighter", just "her friends are..." would do.

7. She can only make out a pair of intelligent silver eyes on Schadel's face.

7. Right here you are missing a "the".

8. Chi stays silent, her green eyes trained on the ground underneath her as she remembers a time when it wasn't always this way.

8. Her green eyes trained? Did you mean glued or something? I don't think trained really fits in the sentence.

9. Who would she go to if she suddenly was friendless?

9. I would say "who would she go to if she were suddenly friendless". So use "were" instead of "was".

My favorite line, for some odd reason, was,

"Well crap. I've been discovered." It just struck me as quite funny. Anyway, great job on your story! It definitely has the potential to go somewhere and I like the plot! Keep up the awesome work!




Mageheart says...


Yeah! I love nitpicky reviews! :D
Thanks for all of the advice. When I get some free time I'll go through and do some good old editing. I really do appreciate all of the grammar advice. As the username suggests, I'm still learning. Especially present tense. I mainly write in past tense, but for some reason my conscious told me to write it in present
You know, I think that was my favorite line too!



Mageheart says...


The idea of using numbers is genius, by the way.



BluesClues says...


OH! Also, on the note of the song, I thought it would be nice to include--well, you don't have to come up with specific lyrics, but I thought it would at least be nice to know the subject matter, beyond simply "it's morbid." Sorry, reading these other reviews is making me remember stuff I meant to say but forgot.



Mageheart says...


Chapters 2 and 3 are out now! I'm going to eventually come up with the lyrics and post them separately.



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erilea wrote a review...



Hello, TheLearningWriter! Artemis here for a review! Let's go!

First off, a nitpick. You don't have to restate the title or who it's by. But you don't have to deleted it; of course, it's just my opinion.

Second, in this little section, "burst" should have an s at the end of it. Also I want to talk about the elongation of this sentence. You make it really long, and people may get confused. I would suggest breaking it two sentences, or if you're up for it, put the whole "burst into bright light" thing in parentheses. Just somehow make it a little bit shorter.

"Her eyes wander from the monster's remains, which soon burst into bright light that fills the sky, to two other teenagers."

A problem here, too. Make up your mind if you want to say "have" or "had", because they have to be used in different tenses. Either: "None of them had reached the age of sixteen yet" (which I recommend), or "and the three have been together for years." Take your pick, although the first one makes more sense with the rest of the story.

"None of them have reached the age of sixteen yet, and the three had been together for years."

This bit sounds a little strange. If you put "of" between "more" and "a", then I think it would sound much better.

"It was more a rhetorical question."

Yes, we know that you're talking about coins here. But after you put some information between the first and third sentences, then we get a little confused. Instead of saying "it" please specify that you mean money.

"Her grin fades, and she pockets the gold coins. The girl notices a fang out of the corner of her eye. Though she's no drop expert, she understands that this could be a chance for more money. She puts it into a small leather belt that rests at her side."

In this section right here, the "to" isn't needed. Take it out, please.

"Sorry to burst to your bubble, but that means your claim is just as worthless."

The rest was great! Time for praise... Yay!

So, this was really detailed. I loved how you talk about the girl's feelings after the necromancer-for-hire first appears in this piece. The ending was really mysterious, and I would really like to know more. Good job and keep writing, TheLearningWriter!

-Artemis28 :D




Mageheart says...


Hello, Artemis! First things first, thanks for the review!
That's just something I do on here. I guess its just something that helps be focus a little better. I did it on my first story, so now it's a habit of mine.
Thanks for all the grammar help. Like many people, I don't have anyone to read my work beforehand, so I have to check it over myself. I also wrote this late at night. My brain wasn't exactly at its best. I'll revise when I get a little free time. I usually write using past tense, so I instinctively put words in past tense down first.
I'm glad that I've gotten you hooked! I hope that you continue to enjoy this story!



erilea says...


Oh, the review was nothing! *blushes*
Thanks for clearing that up!



Mageheart says...


You're welcome. And it really was helpful-I had totally missed those mistakes!



erilea says...


Okay, nice to know!



Mageheart says...


Chapters 2 and 3 are now out!




One fish, two fish, red fish, aardvark.
— alliyah