Shendelzare flied with her snow white wings, looking for Dragonus, her sworn protector. The Skywrath princess had heard the rumor but it must not be true - for if it was true, it would shatter her heart. While going to Dragonus’ place, she emitted a faint ocean blue light, one that was exclusive to royal members. It helped guiding her on where to go in this chilly night.
Up on the hill, she went to a mansion painted in pale blue. It had an ancient vibe to it, having a tall tower which radiated a ray of pristine white light that rotated 360 degrees. It was located on Denizar, a floating island just a couple mountains away from Hendriel, her home island. Against the breezy air, she tightened her thick midnight dress.
Alas, when she asked Diraine, the head servant of Heavenwing’s family, she was given a non-satisfying answer; that Dragonus had went to the royal library to continue his study. She was annoyed as she knew full well on what subject he was studying - the Skywrath sorcery. Recently, he had spent less and less time with her despite having a role to protect her.
Shendelzare went back home with empty hands. She arrived at the palace that had the size to shelter hundreds of people, a result to Skywrath’s lavish and extravagant nature. It was painted with a faint gold, having two light towers at its side. She entered it and was greeted by Hereseyr, the head servant of Kingblade’s family.
She went into her room to find her younger sister, Shanniel facing the mirror and adjusting her dress. It was the the royal’s gold decorated with embroidery. Shanniel had a frown on her face, her mouth curling down in disapproval. She turned around and looked back, checking how she look on the mirror. She groaned.
“I hate this dress, sister. Its colour, specifically. Why can’t they provide us a red dress instead of this one with a colour of an egg yolk?” she said, turning her attention to Shendelzare.
Shendelzare’s eyes widened, and she gasped. Any dress was fine but red... “Careful with what you said, sister. Red is an abominable colour, one that belongs to Hell. You wouldn’t want to associate with it,” she said, getting to her bed. She casted a glance on Shanniel, considering the rumors flying around. It couldn’t be true...
Shanniel caught Shendelzare watching her and grinned. “For Illal’s sake, it’s just a colour, sister! Nothing brings harm to us when we grow fond of any colour. Red is just a powerful colour to have - perhaps it’s too powerful for our people,” she said, giving a meaningful look to Shendelzare. She sat beside her.
It can’t be. Shanniel doesn’t seem like it. Shendelzare replied with a smile. “Maybe you are right, sister, but how many times red reminds us to the blood of our past warriors? It has been associated to war and deaths, too frequent that it has lost its positive meaning,”
She lied on the bed, resting her tired body. She grabbed the overflowing navy blue blanket from the edge of the bed and covered herself with it. Shanniel just looked at her with a pair of undecipherable eyes, giving a poker face to Shendelzare. Their white eyes matched with each other, allowing silence to fill in their conversation.
Shanniel’s face broke into a smile. She leaned forward and kissed Shendelzare’s head. “Good night, sister. Take a rest, dream something nice. You’ll need it for the day to come,” she said, her voice dropped to a whisper.
Shendelzare closed her eyes, trying to forget everything messing with her mind by drifting to the dream world.
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140,643 Literary Works • 673,577 Reviews
Hello! This was a very interesting read, and I enjoyed it very much. I myself love fantasy and you did a wonderful job creating this. For some reason, I really like the quote "she emitted a faint ocean blue light". Don't question me! Don't judge!
"How many times red reminds us to the blood of our past warriors?" I suggest that you replace "to" with "about". There were other nitpicks, but I think that the comments below took care of that.
Anyway, it was a good story. Keep writing!!! @fantasydragon01.
Haaiii! I'm reviewing everyone on team tortoise and you're up next
The opening feels very fairytale. It almost makes me think it should start with Once upon a time. I've not decided if I like that yet but if you're going for something quite mythic or fairytale-esque then it works!Specifics
1.
2. This moves very quickly and isn't showing us much. We get told that she's heading for a floating island and I get the sense it should be very beautiful but I'd much rather hear you describe the scenery she passes as she flies. Also, how high is she flying? Does everything look tiny or do the branches whip at her feet as she goes by? Is she mini sized so that a leef could knock her out the sky or are we talking a full sized person? There's a lot in this scene which is hard to picture because it's the first scene of the story so we're still waiting for the details. Don't keep people waiting too long, try to establish all the really important stuff in the first couple of paragraphs.
3.
4. I'm not sure 'role' is the right word - maybe duty?
5. This feels a little awkward here as she went looking for a person, not an object, so she wasn't necessarily going to bring them home with her or pick them up.
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8. This feels awkward because the thoughts aren't italicised and the second line suggests she said that out loud. You should have that line after the dialogue to help avoid confusion and maybe make the thought stream longer and more descriptive. At the moment your sentences all have a very similar structure - they're short to medium in length and 'she did this then did that'. Try to vary them more.
Overall
I think you've got some interesting ideas here and the fairytale feel is pretty charming but there's just not enough description which makes me feel very disconnected from the story. I don't know how to picture the rooms they're in or the outside world and the characters are only very lightly explored. We don't get a deep sense of the fear or worry your main character has for her sister or understand her frustration at not finding Dragonus earlier. Why didn't she go disturb his studies? Does it mean he's very far away? It seems if she wanted to see him so much that wouldn't stop her.
I think the story might work well as a children's book if you added a little more description.
Best of luck with this!
~Heather
I shall be reviewing this piece as merely an introduction to the rest of the story, as you have clarified with me before.
Introductions need you to reveal enough information to catch your audience's attention and to withhold enough information to keep them interested. In this way writing an introduction is sort of like a balancing act. It's a lot more nuanced that that, though. Not all pieces of information weigh the same. Luckily, the information you provide in a story can be roughly dichotomised into two groups that may or may not overlap with each other: Plot information and setting information. Plot information is information directly related to the story and how it progresses - in the case of The Fallen Princess, the significance of Dragonus, Shendelzare's suspicions of Shanniel, and other things. Setting information is your typical world-building shtick - details and descriptions that help to establish the world the characters reside in. In The Fallen Princess, these would be the simple descriptions and expositions of the reality these characters live in.
Regarding this point this introduction falls short. There is far too little plot information revealed to give the reader any vested interest in continuing to read. After reading it I am left with a multitude of questions - why is Shendelzare looking for Dragonus? What is the rumour surrounding him? Why is it so bad that he's studying Skywrath sorcery? What are Shendelzare's suspicions? On their own these questions might actually have been forgivable, in the sense that I might still be interested in reading more even with this substantial dearth in information, but the killing blow is delivered by the nature of the pieces of setting information you have provided. They simply do not immerse me in the slightest. There is too much exposition as to the traits of this world without any explanation as to why they exist. Why does Shendelzare emit a blue light? How does she even emit a blue light? How do islands here float? Who are the Heavenwing and Kingblade families? Why is blue associated with royalty? I'm simply not understanding these details, and if you do actually have explanations for them and would like to clarify it with me do consider actually writing them down in your introduction in the first place.
Of course, whatever little immersion I have in the piece is further reduced by the innumerable linguistic errors present in the writing.
Another more minor aspect of introduction writing is that it needs to end with a hook - a new piece of information, or a revelation, or anything, that will surprise the audience and cause them to turn the page. The thing is that you already have that revelation - that Shendelzare is suspicious of Shanniel - you've just put it in the wrong place, and replaced a potentially exciting conclusion to the introduction with a really boring sentence about sleeping. Rearrange your points (though not to the point of damaging the crux of the story). Put profound items at the start and end to draw their attention and to keep them reading.
Overall I'm not particularly satisfied with this writing, but as I've told you time and time again you have considerable potential to be good - you just need to harness it.
The dialogue so far is incredibly charming. You're a really powerful writer and it shows here with your strong narration and thought for detail.
"Flied" is so plain. I'd rather say she "took to the sky", it just sounds better. A lot of emotion and drama already with the idea of a rumor that would shatter her heart. The visual of the ocean light is really strong.
ugh, I always hate describing buildings. Don't know about you, but I find it really tough. You're able to set the scene really well while keeping the reader interested with strong visuals, well done. I also like the use of "midnight" over black in this instant.
Now, if Dirane is going to be important to this story, I'd mention them by name. But if there are characters you only plan to use exactly once, I'd leave their names out. The reason for this is only because you have a lot of characters introduced with interesting names that sound similar, and it may be difficult for a reader to tell who is who without proper introduction.
"Any dress was fine but red..." is out of place with the rest of the narrative and not really necessary. Have her tell us firsthand that she despises the color red.
"everything messing with her mind"...? hmm, you sure you can't come up with something better worded than that? Endings are tough sometimes, so just think about it for a while.
Overall this is really good, and you're a strong writer with or without this advice. Good luck, hope you keep going.
Hi there, Terian here to get this work on the way out of the Green Room!
This was pretty cool. You've obviously done a lot of thought and world building which I always like. This is a very imaginative little High Fantasy and I love your ideas of the setting, Floating Islands, 'Skywrath sorcery,' all gave a really cool vibe.
There were a couple of minor mistakes.
'Shendelzare flied with her snow white wings'
This should be Shendelzare 'flew' with her snow white wings!
'a ray of pristine white light that rotated 360 degrees'
There isn't really anything anything wrong with this, but I just don't really like it when
numbers are used. Maybe you could literally type it out?
One thing I definitely noticed was the pace of the story. I felt a lot like everything was introduced way too fast.
For example....
"Shendelzare flied with her snow white wings, looking for Dragonus, her sworn protector. The Skywrath princess had heard the rumor but it must not be true - for if it was true, it would shatter her heart. While going to Dragonus’ place, she emitted a faint ocean blue light, one that was exclusive to royal members. It helped guiding her on where to go in this chilly night."
I'd prefer it a lot if all this was explained more gradually. Before you say where Shendelzare is going perhaps describe her flying towards the palace and talking to the servant, slowly letting the reader understand what's going on. Because the reader won't know any of this info at the start and it will all be a bit overwhelming.
I also felt like this chapter was slightly monotonous. Nothing much really happened apart from the two sisters getting into an argument about the dress. Sorry if this becomes relevant later on, but I thought I should just point out. Maybe add some kind of conflict between them, or an exciting event to spice it up a bit.
Sorry if I sounded slightly harsh at some points. I really like this, and I'm looking forward to more. Hope this helped. Happy review month and always keep writing!
Hello! First off, great job. Sometimes it takes me a while to even write this far into a story...
I can tell you have quite the potential. However, I have a few minor suggestions. Please bear with me
#1. Consistency.
-It appears as if you're trying to write with a flair of older language, however you use words that are only really present in a more modern era. Ex: "vibe," "poker face," etc.
#2. Repetition
-It's not necessary for you to continue to repeat words and phrases. By having the two girls continuously addressing each other as "sister" you come across as redundant. The reader is well aware of their blood relation. There's no need for the constant emphasis.
-"Colour" is also used pretty often. Look for a substitute! Or decide if it's even needed in the first place.
#3. Wording/Make it real!
-Some of the conversation seems a bit stiff. Place yourself in the position of the characters. If you took on their personalities, their roles, what would you say? Your readers should feel a connection with them. The struggle with fictional stories is creating the sense of believability.
"Their white eyes matched with each other, allowing silence to fill in their conversation." How about something along the lines of "Their eyes met one another's, silence falling upon their conversation"? Or in the case of, "Careful with you said, sister..." Maybe "Careful of what you say, sister..." ?
-More can be less! Remember that! Don't feel as if you need to complicate your phrasing.
#4. Make it your own!
-Whatever you do, stay true to yourself as a writer. There seem to be times here where you struggle with with direction to take it. When lost? Look up at yourself. The character may not be who you are, but she is yours nonetheless. Does she still belong to you? Or have you let something else take over?
#5. Keep writing!
The best way to improve as a writer is to continue to well... Write!
Hope this helps a bit ^.^ I tried not to be very nitpicky, but it you'd like a more specific review just let me know! I'm only just a comment away...