The pieces of you
will one day be stone and sand.
They will not be held dearly, nor loved
Instead, they will be trod upon
and drowned in the sea.
You will not be a smooth stone,
with little red flecks -
your surfaces will be rough,
with a giant red spot
that burns your hand
if it's held for too long.
For awhile, I held you
without getting burnt
but that day, the sun was too strong
and the day was too long.
I gazed across at the open sea
and wondered how it might feel
to be set free.
So I slipped you out of my pocket,
gave you a quick kiss goodbye,
and watched you plummet to a watery place.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,690 Literary Works • 672,059 Reviews
Love it.
There is one thing I'm passionate about, and that is that your poetry doesn't have to make sense to everyone who reads it. It's yours. It means whatever it means. Do we understand everything Sylvia Plath wrote? Or Ginsberg? Nope. And that's because great poetry isn't a science, it's a feeling. And this poem has feeling.
Just a few really boring things;
'They will not be held dearly, nor loved' needs a period at the end.
In your second stanza, I think it would flow better if you changed 'if it's held for too long' to 'if its held too long'. It fits better rhythmically, but that's totally up to you.
Other than that, I think this is fantastic. Beautiful flow, beautiful images. I felt that the emotion was conveyed really well. I might not have guessed that it had anything to do with a breakup, but it still meant something to me. Something about letting go, being 'set free', plummeting to a watery place.
Just beautiful.
Hello!
Interesting poem you have here. The words and images are intriguing, but I'm afraid that I must say I don't understand it.
I understand the overarching themes of release-- release of love, especially. But the symbolism of the red flecks/spots are eluding me. I don't understand what they mean, what their burning means, or how they fit into the stone.
Since that seems to be the main focus of the poem, you might think about clearing that up. Perhaps you could clear it up by titling your title something that explains it? But if it needs more than a word or two to explain, I suggest lengthening your poem to help. Or, if you feel that explaining it would take too much, and look to awkward, you could remove the confusing parts, if you're thinking that they don't add much.
Maybe I'm the only one who doesn't understand. I can be pretty stupid sometimes.
I think the best stanza in this is the first one. Personally, I think that stanza could be a poem all by itself. A short poem, but one none the less.
Despite my confusion, it was a pleasure to read this. Your words flowed smoothly.
Great job, Keep writing!
~fortis
Hey! Thanks for your thoughts, I will take them into consideration.
The red is supposed to represent an abundance of anger (which is the negative emotion that this person had a little too much of, causing me to break up with said person).
Anyways, I know it's a little confusing but I'm gonna keep that part in - maybe just add a title so it makes a bit more sense! I was having trouble thinking of one.
Yes, when you say it, it makes sense, but without you saying it, it doesn't really.
Maybe the title could be Red Flecks of Anger or something. I dunno.
This was awesome! Your use of imagery and metaphors was great, it really conveyed the meaning of the poem. I think your meaning was clear and you portrayed it well. Thank you for sharing! I hope to read more from you soon! Happy Holidays