"Let's go somewhere
the tide can take us there."
Away from an industrious city
Where no one exists like us-
the witty.
you sigh for an inspired song
and I just want to sing along
to the strings of your untuned guitar
dancing into the middle of the swirling ocean
both waiting for simply one thing-
to create
a
new world.
Fresh
Full Of Life
AIR!
YES,
DO YOU FEEL IT?
DO YOU SMELL IT?
and finally,
Do you see it?
there are obstacles in the way.
Tall but irrelevant buildings tower us
we won't let them stop the tide from coming in.
buildings after all,
are easily destroyed
Belief is not.
it seems just yesterday I could have laid down and cried
after seeing a homeless woman taking shelter in a plain cardboard box,
who was once my childhood hero
thrust aside by society
and the effects of time
new saggy, wrinkled skin
somehow she still wore a smile
and the silver cross
around her neck.
An everyday thing
For downtown New York;
that we shall leave behind.
I slip my flawed unworthy feet
into some heaven-
crystal shore.
I'm ready
I take your steady hand
and we fall away
At this moment
I believe so strongly
in all the things
my heart's aching to say
In the middle of the crushing, inspiring ocean
The presence meaning.
You say it again:
"Let's go somewhere,
the tide can take us there."
You can search for us
You won't find a trace
Unless you possess,
A creative mind
Ready to believe
in eternity.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,800 Reviews
Hey girl! Here for a crit... since you said you wanted ideas, I'm going to try and inspire rather than poem-bash or shred.
This line:
I take your flowy hand
"flowy" really must go. It doesn't fit, and when you already have all this great flavor with your word usage, why dull up this line with an incorrect term? Why not use a stronger word to describe the hand? The speaker is trusting this hand to guide them, to hold them, to be something they can grasp and lean on? Why not explain those elements?
I definitely agree with River- unless rhyming is a necessity, I'd recommend you lose it. It weakens the more imposing elements of your poem. The strength that's there is restricted through rhyme... An analogy would be: When your heart beats harder, and your lungs are on fire, don't you feel like you're ribs are keeping them trapped inside you? It feels like the heart of this poem is trapped behind the ribs of rhyme.
Another thing River totally got right: rhythm. If you give this some good rhythm, it'll be more effective, easier to read, more enjoyable, and also your message will deliver in a clear, concise way. It's like UPS and FedEx versus the average postal service: It just doesn't compare.
So! I hope I helped, let me know if you want me to comment on anything more specific, kay! Ya know where to find me.
RG
Overall, I agree with what has already been said, but I do have a couple things to add:
1. The rhythm of the poem seemed non-existent. The lack of flow distracts the reader and makes the poem hard to read.
2. The rhyme did not fit the theme of the poem. The topics you are addressing are solemn, and the rhymes take away the solemnity of the poem. Without rhyme, you could choose the best word to describe the thoughts you are trying to portray, instead of the one that rhymes.
3. Make it short and sweet. Compacting a thought into a little space of well chosen words is insanely difficult, but the result can be very satisfying. If you make this piece shorter, you will lessen the danger of rambling (which you kind of do in it, presently) and it will leave more of an impression on the reader (in your case, the judges).
All in all, you have some great ideas here. My biggest suggestion would be choose rhythm over rhyme; a poem needs rhythm or cadence to be a poem, but it doesn't need rhyme. I hope I've been of some help. Good luck in the contest! PM me if you win, or if you have any questions!
River
Okay, let's jump straight in!
1. Theme--> Is very jumpy and unfocused in this poem. The true beauty of poetry is to use the feelings of yourself- and it's the intensity of those feelings that reaches out to the reader and pulls them in, whether they like it or not. It's called human nature. We care about characters in literature. But why do we care? Let's use a few examples. We care about the orphan in 'Oliver Twist' because he is a kind hearted boy in a unjust society. We care about Holden Caulfield in the 'Catcher in the rye' because he is honest and truthful and connects with the reader. In moments in this you connected, but you didn't hold it for long enough. I understand that creativity is probably the backbone of this- and I probably spotted because I long to create things. At other times I am left confused.
2. Use of Language--> Again, poetry is about language, thought, speech. However language in everyday life is effortless, we talk and listen like breathing. Some words in this piece are blatantly being used to try and impress the reader. You're not trying to impress the reader, you're trying to move them. Over complication will alienate your audience.
3. Simplicity Vs Depth--> The trick is to balance these out. In some places, especially the stanza or section that I've highlighted is brilliant. It really is. In other places you lose your rag a bit. Try not to let it go.
4. Metaphor--> I'm not in a huge uproar about the metaphor of an ocean, but I think to make it original and to make it stand out in the competition that you will need to add something to it. A verb, a colour, a description of what 'the tide' looks like. How do you feel about crossing that tide?
I hope this helps, because I really really liked this, and I want it to do well.
Best wishes,
Eimear
um, I thought this poem was kind of confusing. there are too many big words, in my opinion.
other that that, I thought it was okay.