We're friends
We talk, We laugh.
Walking home from school with you's the best--
You always find a way to put my patience to the test.
Still, you make me laugh
So I wonder if you're my other half..
We've known each other so long,
It would feel so wrong.
You touch me lightly on the arm,
Saying I can't handle your charm--
I wonder what you mean.
You begin to lean
Toward my face.
You want the game but not the chase.
I pull forward reluctantly,
Thinking that your smile is where I want to be.
But... we're just friends.
You look at me and smile
I think, "Dammit, Kyle!
Make my time worthwhile."
I told you I loved you
And you looked at me and said
My heart a little dead--
"I thought we were just friends."
The walk continues
But all my wishing ends.
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139,639 Literary Works • 672,637 Reviews
This is from 2008! I'm sure the writer has moved on by now.
*locked*
I really enjoyed this. It seems kinda sad at the end
although I did like the last few lines.
I do agree that the idea is a bit of a cliche but I like this cliche
It would be a great short story too but it's good the way it is.
And if it was longer. But I loved it and I liked the rhyming, rhyming's goood!
Very good...my heart feels sorry for the narrator on the way that his/her crush dismisses the saying so easily.
Worth a star!
I think that, yes, the idea is cliched, it would have to be because princess is displaying an emotion that basically everybody experiences. But come on people! EVERY IDEA HAS BEEN USED! Originality is scarce, and those who can find it are few and far between. Having said that, I'm on the continual search for something original... So I'm a hypocrite.
For an idea that IS cliched, I thought you captured it really well, I loved it. I didn't notice any grammar or vocab mistakes that haven't already been mentioned.
Keep scribbling!
I like this poem, but it feels cliche and overused. Make it your own! It felt like a stream of consiousness for me. It felt like a car rushing by. Expand your thoughts. Edit it more. For help with writing Romance/Teen Fiction, join my group TRC (Teen Romance Club). Hope I helped.
Indeed, I think it would do better as a short, descriptive prose.
I like the last couple of lines, they wrap it up nicely.
If you are going to keep it as a poem, maybe make it longer and describe a scenario like walking home from school together or something.
Once again, I feel that this is on the border between sweet and cliched.
Although I think it's a nice gesture either way.
The mentionned spelling/grammar points need to be altered, and I agree that perhaps this could do with lengthening a bit more.
I do like the ending though.
It culminates everything the poem is building up to.
This is very short and I think that with the idea that you've got you may be better off writing a prose piece for it instead.
What I would suggest is putting in more description, more emotion and making it longer. Structure the piece more so it has a flow and rhythm.
The idea can go two ways - very cliche or full of emotion which makes it unique to you.
All the best and keep writing.
Alainna
xxx
Hmm...I think this should be a bit longer. I don't like the rhythm in this though. Try to extend this and add more detail into this. Also, I'd like to point out a spelling error.
Meant* is the correct spelling.
So, add rhythm, more detail, and extend this a bit. I hope this helps!
-Rick.
We're friends.
We talk, We laugh.
You touch me lightly on the arm,
I wonder what this means. You changed tenses
Your smile is enough to make my heart melt.
But... we're just friends.
I told you I loved you
and you looked at me and said
"I thought we were just friends."
For me, this kind of hovers on the line between sweet and horribly cliche. I know it has to be on one side or the other, but I can't decide where it belongs. I think you need to expand on it. Maybe expand on the lines "You touch me lightly on the arm, I wonder what this means." And the ending needs a bit more to it too, I think. His reaction needs some explaining. You leave us still wondering; his words don't make us any the wiser as to how he feels.
Keep writing!
*adna*