He looked at the large vert charterbus then back down down at me."You know,you don't have to go" I said with hopes I could make him see the right way of thinking. "You can stay here." I quickly added.The words "With me" burned my lips."No I can't" Darren said not looking at me."Please."I begged. "You'll get hurt chasing a dream like that."Tears weld up in my eyes.He turned to me.His expression was pained."I have to go Clovis."I looked down.This ridiculous dream of being a champion street fighter was tearing me apart. Darren lifted my head up gently.I looked up into his dark green eyes.His hand slipped into mine."Please I need this.I have nothing but this." He explained. "Don't go."I managed to force out."You mean more to me than anything if you want me to stay I will." My first instinct was to say "Stay" but I thought back to how he saved all his money to buy fighting equipment.I thought back to how he trained every day to stand on top.This was his dream since he was small.I loved him to much to tie him back.I stepped back."Go.Be great.I'll be waiting for you when you get back." Befor he could speak the let go of his hand.I let go of him.
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
There's a lot of emotion here! This has the potential to be a good piece, however, you need to fix it up grammatically. I highly recommend a website called Grammarly.com. I could offer some suggestions but there are a lot of grammar errors here, so that would take quite some time.
I also agree that there are quite a few cliches in this piece, but that could be fixed if you expanded on the story. Right now, there isn't a whole lot of substance to it - your characters are fairly static because we don't know much about them. You want to write dynamic characters with a powerful backstory so that the reader truly feels emotional as the plot progresses. I see that you are only 13, good for you for pursuing writing! Don't give up - you have the potential to be great
Hi! Cricket here for a review!
Thanks for asking me to review this! I'm always glad to help somebody out with their story.
The first thing that stuck me are all the powerful phrases in here. One of my favorites was the I'll be waiting for you when you come back. That was one of my especial favorites. Not necessarily because how it was worded, but what it symbolized. I would, though, caution you on being too cliche'. Now, the Go. Be great is super awesome and all, but it's horribly cliche. Words cannot express how cliche it is. In cases such as these, you just have to think about it and decided how often it is, in fact, used. It's not for the moment a huge problem, but it is still something that you need to watch out for. Cliche is like a big NO NO when writing.
Next, I would like to talk to you a little about grammar. One of the first things I noticed in the grammar aspect, was that you need to put a space after a period. Basically after a full stop. Just a specific rule in grammar is all. Something that, if not done properly, can ruin the entire effect of the piece. So put a space after a period, is all.
Next is paragraphing for each speaker. Now when somebody begins to talk, you immediately have its own paragraph for it. When somebody replies, then that would be an entirely different paragraph. So while these two lovers are talking, each time one of them begins to speak you have to start a new paragraph. Like first person speaks means one paragraph. Then second person replies and you would have another paragraph. And so forth. Just keep in mind that, and your paragraphing for new speakers will be perfect.
Next would be dialogue punctuation. This is something that is a typical pet peeve with me and I generally talk about this quite a bit. So bear with me, if I review other works of yours and I see something out of place.
The thing with dialogue punctuation, is that when going into a dialogue tag, you always have a comma and not a period. Let me use an example to show you with.
Instead of that period after Please you need a comma as you're going into a dialogue tag. I know this may seem rather confusing, and it totally is! but it's one of those rules that has to be followed. Now instead of just rambling on and on, I'd suggest going to this article here] and reading up on it. This article was written by Demeterand is extremely informative on this particular subject. I'd highly suggest reading through it and making sure you have it all down. If this is confusing at all, feel free to ask me about it and I'd be soo glad to help you out. Just let me know, and I'll help you.
I'm now going to do some small nitpicks, as a way to use examples with certain aspects in grammar. Okay?
After no you have a comma. Also, when you are finishing up on a dialogue tag and an action is attached to the tag, you typically have a comma separating the tag and the action. So there would be a comma after said.
Now these seem to be two different speakers, but they seem to be connected in the same sentence. Just make sure you always put periods at the end of each new sentence, so that there is no confusion. Confusion on the reader's part isn't something you want, in the slightest.
Alright, now there's two kinds of these. It's either too or to. Now too is used like too well or too little[/i]. But too the fair is NOT okay. To is going in the direction of something. Too is not. Look at this link here for further explanation]. That link should help you out and clear it all up. Hope it helps! If it doesn't, I'll explain further.
Seeing as there are a couple of spelling mistakes through here, I would suggest reading through before you post, just to make sure that reviewers don't just correct spelling.
Anyways, let me know if you post more. I'd like to review some more of your work! ^ ^
Keep writing!
~Cricket
Hey there! I'm still new to reviewing and I'm no expert on grammar so I think I will stick to reviewing the content if you don't mind!
There are a lot of powerful lines here and I have to say that I was moved by it despite not knowing the characters. That doesn't mean, however, that I didn't want to know them and their story.
I really liked the quote "You'll get hurt chasing a dream like that." Maybe that is because I am a dreamer who has a lot I believe I must accomplish in my life, but this line hit home for me. I imagine the subtext behind this excerpt being that the dream is worth the hurt, but that may not be how you intended it.
On the other hand, it also seems quite literal because he is a street fighter who could actually be physically hurt while trying to come out on top. XD
I don't know if these characters you've invented are from another story or if this is simply an idea of a scene you wanted to write but I think they have great potential.
I'd love the chance to get to know them both individually and as a dynamic!
Thanks for sharing and keep up the great work.
Thank you.That was very helpful.The characters are not supposed to have backgrounds though.I used the two to embody two different ideas through a storyline.Darren is Ambition and Clovis is fear.The ending is bravery.I wanted the readers to learn a lesson and to be moved.The fact that you were moved means I accomplished that goal.Thank you for all the great advice.
I never thought of it that way! I will definitely read it again with that in mind!
Thanks.
Thank you for reading it.Thank you for praising the story.@Maybeileen
Thank you for reading it.Thank you for praising the story.@Maybeileen
Okay, so this was good but it could be a whole lot better if you brake it up into paragraphs and the proper grammar. Like this:
...Tears weld up in my eyes. He turned to me. His expression was pained.
"I have to go, Clovis."
I looked down. This ridiculous dream of being a champion street fighter was tearing me apart...
And you kept forgetting to put a space after each full stop. so maybe you could work on that.
I also noticed that you spelt 'Before' with out the 'e' at the end.
But other then I thought your story was really good. So if you could just fix thoughs few things it would make it easier to follow. So Keep up the good work and keep writing
~Nikki399
Thank you that was very helpful. I will try to remember that the next time I write a short story.