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E - Everyone

Station.

by almurs13


Everything begins with a light summer breeze. An air that puts my hair on end and butterflies in my stomach. This air wraps me in memories intertwined with smiles that had your name, looks that left me without breath, simple words said between light touches.

When I feel that the breeze has wrapped me entirely, I open my eyes and I see places where memory takes me. I see an image of that bridge where time stopped, a dialogue of that movie we saw together, a reflection of the light that slipped through the streets of Venice that time we got lost leaving the world behind, a flower that I put in my hair on that walk we took at the beginning of spring.

All of the sudden, without previous warning, it starts to rain. The clouds come filled with those moments I wanted to forget, with that sad sensation of loss. The drops fall at the same time the tears flow down my face. The breeze has been replaced by a fierce wind that wraps me in cold. I put my jacket on, but the only thing that's going to stop the storm is your arms hugging me and promising that this isn't over. And I wish to see the stars, those starts we asked to be us forever.

The thunder of destiny roars reminding that he's the one who makes decisions and that rains falls for reasons; to let new flowers go and everything follow its path.

And just when I hear the wheels of the train getting close, I see that far away, in the mountain, the clouds open and the sun comes in between them. And I smile because I know that I'll always have that ray of sun. Every time I see that little piece of sun, I'll remember every "I love you" whispered at my ear, every nonsense that made me laugh, every word said with trust and, above all, that I'll see it again.


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Sat May 08, 2021 1:59 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well...this was quite a sweet little story to stumble upon here after looking through a couple of really intense ones earlier..yeah...I liked this one quite a lot...I like the way you've used the weather descriptions here and that ending was just what I needed to see.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Everything begins with a light summer breeze. An air that puts my hair on end and butterflies in my stomach. This air wraps me in memories intertwined with smiles that had your name, looks that left me without breath, simple words said between light touches.


Okay...that seems like a nice wholesome little start with a touch of romance just casually permeating the air around us here...on the whole a very relaxing start...that still does a decent job of getting you want to read on here....its just a really nice setting here to drop the readers into.

When I feel that the breeze has wrapped me entirely, I open my eyes and I see places where memory takes me. I see an image of that bridge where time stopped, a dialogue of that movie we saw together, a reflection of the light that slipped through the streets of Venice that time we got lost leaving the world behind, a flower that I put in my hair on that walk we took at the beginning of spring.


Okay...this is sort of like a nice little montage of memories so far...its also making me vary here...this almost seems like a remembrance of happier times at a time where things aren't going quite so smoothly....well I guess we shall see...

All of the sudden, without previous warning, it starts to rain. The clouds come filled with those moments I wanted to forget, with that sad sensation of loss. The drops fall at the same time the tears flow down my face. The breeze has been replaced by a fierce wind that wraps me in cold. I put my jacket on, but the only thing that's going to stop the storm is your arms hugging me and promising that this isn't over. And I wish to see the stars, those starts we asked to be us forever.


And yup...there we go...well...I am loving this comparison here of the weather to these opposing memories and feelings here...feels like a very poetic thing to include there in a story and it works out really well here to present the two situations.

The thunder of destiny roars reminding that he's the one who makes decisions and that rains falls for reasons; to let new flowers go and everything follow its path.

And just when I hear the wheels of the train getting close, I see that far away, in the mountain, the clouds open and the sun comes in between them. And I smile because I know that I'll always have that ray of sun. Every time I see that little piece of sun, I'll remember every "I love you" whispered at my ear, every nonsense that made me laugh, every word said with trust and, above all, that I'll see it again.


Well...that was a more hopeful ending than I was expecting and that is most definitely a pleasant surprise. I love that sort of thing...just the hope that everything can still be nice despite how bad it might be...very appropriate to the time I'm writing this review in...prolly wasn't appropriate back when this story was written...xD

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall...this was a lovely little story to read here...definitely one that leaves you with a smile on your face and that's honestly all you could want...anyway...that's about all I've gotta say about this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Wed Nov 19, 2014 1:30 am
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musicandme wrote a review...



This is one of the most well written things I've ever read. That was so deep and I felt like I lived this through you just reding it once. I've felt EXACTLY the same at times in each section of your poem. This related to me so well and that's why I plause it so. It was so beautiful and I've re read it several times. Someday I hope I can write like you do so gently but meaningfully.

I really hope to read more like this from you. Do please keep writing. You've got something special with words that touches the heart and mind at once. Again, lovely job.




almurs13 says...


WOW, THANK YOU! It really means a lot that you enjoyed my work so much :) %u2665 That's exactly what I'm hoping to accomplish, readers feeling the emotions.
Thank you!



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Sun Oct 26, 2014 10:51 pm
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summerlovee wrote a review...



Hello :) This was a really good piece! I loved the way you described the feeling of looking back on fond memories with a loved one. I loved the first two paragraphs because my gosh you can write :p Especially this line: 'This air wraps me in memories intertwined with smiles that had your name, looks that left me without breath, simple words said between light touches.'
Please please please keep writing and thank you for sharing this :)




almurs13 says...


THANK YOU! It really means a lot %u2665



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Fri Oct 17, 2014 11:35 am
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Duncan wrote a review...



I think this is a good short piece of narrative. Since EscaSkye had already commented on your use of grammar, I think I will comment on your plot, tone and style.

This piece describes the narrator's feeling when she thought of her love. One of the best things you had presented in this piece was that you had used a lot of symbolism. That is a wonderful technique to use during writing, especially when you write about love and romantic memories.

'A flower that I put in my hair on that walk we took at the beginning of the spring.'

This is the sentence I liked most. A similar figure of speech can be used in Chinese, called 以小見大 (not knowing if you can read it or not). Using small, ordinary objects as a representation of abstract ideas just give your passage a depth. Using flower to represent the spring you spent happily with your love is magnificent. You can use this accurately, and that's what I like about your piece.

The third paragraph carries a great twist in the mood among the passage, but I think it can be described with more details in order to portray your sadness more vividly, and to contrast the final twist later in the passage.

The end is well written. Giving words of hope and trust ends this piece perfectly. I like your work, and I look forward to your next work!




almurs13 says...


THANK YOU :) It means a lot that you think it's good.
I'll keep those pointers in mind and keep using that technique.
Thanks again!



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Wed Oct 15, 2014 2:36 pm
EscaSkye wrote a review...



Wow. This is very romantic! Personally speaking, I suppose I do understand a thing or two of what the character feels - somehow losing the chance to be with someone whom she loved, and missing them to bits when they're not around. While what I've been through may not be as dramatic as what happened with the persona, it's good to see that there's something I could connect to in this piece. For some reason though, I could totally imagine this as poetry more than a short story. That's probably just me. All that aside, I do have quite a few things I want to call your attention to.

An air that puts my hair on end and butterflies in my stomach.

This sentence seems incomplete for me. Maybe you could merge it with the previous sentence, considering they talk about the same subject.

This air wraps me in memories intertwined with smiles that had your name, looks that left me without breath, simple words said between light touches.

I believe there should be an "and" between the comma and "simple".

And I wish to see the stars, those starts we asked to be us forever.

I don't really think "And" is necessary here, also, for "starts" did you actually mean "stars"?

The thunder of destiny roars reminding that he's the one who makes decisions and that rains falls for reasons; to let new flowers go and everything follow its path.

Here, "rains" should be "rain". I'm not that sure for this next thing I'm going to say, but did you mean "grow" when you typed "go"?

Finally, for the last paragraph, I don't think you need to start the first two sentences with "And". I understand that you may use it at the beginning, but too much can make the work choppy. For this case, it was a tiny bit choppy near the ending.

Well, that's about it! This is a lovely piece of work. I just want to remind you to go over it once more to spot some things you may find off, so that you could correct them. Good luck and keep writing!




almurs13 says...


Thank you so much for taking the time! It's great that you can identify.
I find that when I read it, the grammatical errors slip and I don't see them, so thank you for correcting them.
I find it kind of poetic too, but I wasn't completely sure.
Thanks! %u2665




I am always saying "Glad to've met you" to somebody I'm not at all glad I met. If you want to stay alive, you have to say that stuff, though.
— Holden Caulfield