Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » General

12+

BlackWing

by Shadow61099


PROLOGUE

BOOM!

“Sir the flagship is down! Squadrons one and two are down as well!”Said First-Mate Jacob Lancaster

“May The Great goddess crush those creatures” swore Captain Jonathan Highlaster. “Is the cargo allright?”

“ For now sir, but I don’t think it will be for long at this rate.”

Captain Jonathan stood silently for a moment.” Initiate Protocol Kamikaze”

“ Sir! You can’t do that! There must be another way!”protested the First-Mate

“ You are not the captain of this ship! Initiate Kamikaze now!” Roared the Captain. He knew it was a drastic measure but there was no choice left. The Future depended on his cargo not falling into enemy hands. Resigned to his fate, he made his way back to his cabin. On the dresser stood a Photo of a women with long black hair holding a small girl who held a spanner in her hand. He held the picture in his hand, a single tear dropping on it only to be instantly vaporized by a blinding flash of heat

A deer grazing in the luscious forest below was startled when he heard the sounds of the fighting high up in the air. It watched as one group of SkyShips moved almost neck and neck to the others. It ran away when the first group of SkyShips burst, leaving behind a shower of debris.

Among these debris was an object, which looked as if it was made of pure energy. As it indeed was

To Be Continued


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
93 Reviews


Points: 3819
Reviews: 93

Donate
Sun Sep 28, 2014 6:29 am
Lefty wrote a review...



Hello there! Lefty here for a review.

Nice prologue! Fast paced, intense and leaves you wanting more. Nice writing and good grammar.

I skimmed over the other comments/reviews just because I was curious what others said... You said that you were trying to be less descriptive because sometimes you over do it, which I completely get. I think I've done that before as well. I do believe, however, that you're safe adding a little more than you have now. It will help clarify what is going on and any confusion the reader feels (which wouldn't be much) would be cleared up as well. Nice start though! Futuristic steampunk rocks! Keep up the good work! And happy September Review Day!

-Lefty, with the Review Ninjas

*poofs into thin air*




Random avatar

Points: 638
Reviews: 5

Donate
Sun Sep 14, 2014 12:49 pm
Shadow61099 says...



I know this prologue is pretty short , but i am sure you will love the main story :)




User avatar
30 Reviews


Points: 839
Reviews: 30

Donate
Sun Sep 14, 2014 7:44 am
Nikki399 says...



I liked this prologue. It had a great sense of urgency but I felt like it needed to be more descriptive. And that the Captain should show more of his character. What type of person is he? Other then that I think it was great and I think it could be a great story.



Random avatar
Shadow61099 says...


Tnx fr the review :)

I actually tried to keep it less descriptive on purpose as i tend to over describe stuff... ill work on that balance in the first chapter of this story , tnx again fr the reve :)


Random avatar
Shadow61099 says...


as you are new like me , just a tip , when u write a review press the thingy at the bottom to change the state to review NOT POST cuz this is a post and im sure u didnt MEAN to write a post ? ;) tnx again m8



User avatar


Points: 560
Reviews: 3

Donate
Sat Sep 13, 2014 8:07 pm
Coaleman wrote a review...



This is a fantastic prologue! It creates a sense of urgency, but I think the attempt to pull the reader's heartstrings may be a bit lacking. The sense of urgency and panic a moment before almost ruins the moment. I think when you're changing the mood or setting, start a new paragraph. While your style isn't the same as mine, a good way to set the mood is to describe the setting. Try loading the adjectives with the target mood, and maybe have the Captain interact with the environment more.



Random avatar
Shadow61099 says...


Tnx fr the review :)

I actually tried to keep it less descriptive on purpose as i tend to over describe stuff... ill work on that balance in the first chapter of this story , tnx again fr the reve :)




Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
— Plato