“Welcome to my humble home.” Cross eyed her guest’s wounds and added, “Let me patch you up. Fending for myself, I’ve learned a bit about healing.”
Aurora sat stoically as Cross stitched the worst of her cuts.
“You look worn out. There’s soft moss in the corner, if you don’t mind the smell of weasel.”
“I don’t,” said Aurora with a twinkle in her eye.
When she was sure her new friend had fallen asleep, Cross went a little way into the woods.
“Well, Lord, so it begins. You told me the white otter would come, and she has.
“Please lend me Your strength. I’ve been avoiding my own kind for so long.”
She waited. After some time, a sense of peace settled over her and a voice spoke to her soul.
“Fear not, for those who wanted you dead have died themselves.”
“They died without knowing You,” she said, and wept.
They’re gone.
Shard placed the last stone on the cairn and bowed his head. No prayer or rite had brought him comfort; perhaps nothing would.
The tribe clustered around him said nothing. What’s there to say? “Your parents will be mourned” perhaps?
No, they’d acted without the elders’ permission, and been punished for it. The problem was, Shard now had to face the world alone.
“Rest, Shard.”
He didn’t recognize the voice.
“Please don’t ignore Me. You need to sleep.”
“Good morning,” said Cross, and meant it.
“Morning,” mumbled Aurora. “What’s there to eat around here?”
“I’m horrible at fishing, and I doubt you eat mice, but I found these.” She held out a pawful of nuts and berries.
“Oh,
look, food for squirrels.” Aurora bit her tongue. “I’m
sorry; these will do fine.”
Between bites she asked, “How’d
you come by a name like Cross?”
“Now there’s a story.
“My tribe first heard of the One shortly before I was born. Not everyone was thrilled with His teachings, but two weasels- my parents- took them to heart.”
“What happened?”
Despite her resolve, Cross almost broke down crying. “As I said, not everyone embraced the teachings. A few tribe members banded together and…” She couldn’t go on.
Aurora hugged her tightly.
“Thank you. Would you do something for me?”
“Name it!”
“My parents’ killers are dead. It’s time I returned to the tribe, and I want you to come with me.”
At first Aurora thought they’d come to the wrong clearing. “They’re here,” Cross insisted. “No doubt they smelt us coming. She’s with me,” she added, seemingly to thin air.
As Aurora stared, the weasels began to emerge. They popped out of concealed burrows, scurried out from under roots, and soon surrounded the two friends.
“Look what the cat dragged in! Cross, love, you look well.”
“That’s no cat; it’s a sea otter.”
Once the hubbub died down a little, Cross explained, “This is my friend Aurora. She was the final sign that all was ready for my return.”
“Welcome, Aurora. Our Lutran may be a bit rusty, but we should be all right.”
She smiled. “Thank you all. I’ll be sure and tell my family of your kindness.”
Now what has Cross so worried? Her friend stood staring at a young male- a bit taller than average, but otherwise unremarkable.
“What’s wrong?”
Cross flinched as if she’d been stung. “Nothing.”
Like I believe that, Aurora thought.
Alone, with the tribe sleeping around her, Cross sent her thoughts heavenward.
“I didn’t expect to be so strongly affected; I’m sorry.”
She sensed His gentle reproach. “That’s because you trusted in your own strength.”
“I know better now. Tell me what to do and I’ll do it.”
Shard’s spirits rose with the sun. He set down the fruits of his late-night expedition and stretched
“Good morning, Shard!”
“Huh? Oh, good morning, Cross.” Suddenly shy, he stared at an ant trundling its way between them.
“I’ve got something to tell you. Though your name is Shard, the One has made you whole.”
His jaw dropped. “That’s what he said to me last night.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Knight Dragon, here to review!
This feels more like a prologue or opening chapter than a short story. Just food for thought.
There is a major PoV shift here that's completely dumped on the reader. I was utterly blind-sided, and didn't know if Shard was another character in the same room/scene as Aurora and Cross. It took a moment to place it, but that was a pretty rough transition. I'd say something as simple as a "~" between the two paragraphs would definitely improve it. At least give some kind of signal that we're starting something new.
Same thoughts as before. Your transitions in the piece (beyond the PoV switches) are a little rough. I'll get to the last one in a moment.
I didn't notice the lack of end-quotes on that first line when I first read through it, and lost the train of conversation. I'd highly recommend adding a dialogue tag to the first one, and then add the second line after the tag. It helps prevent readers from getting lost on the conversation flow, and then it's not so awkward wondering why Aurora's comforting Cross if this is Aurora's story.
Last transition you struggled with. You don't give any indication they've left the cottage/burrow/wherever it is that Cross lives. They've just suddenly left and traversed the entire distance to arrive at their destination. Please give a little more description than that.
So Cross smelled differently, or she smelled something different? From the context I think you mean something like, "Cross scented a change (in the air)..."
Wait, so is that Aurora staring? Or did Aurora catch her staring? I know, from the succeeding sentences, the answer, but that was very confusing. Maybe change that to "Aurora noticed her friend staring..." or something like that.
Otherwise you have a decent concept and world set up. (Slightly similar to Redwall, but it doesn't feel "ripped," if that's encouraging.)
Hope this helps!
I am not really good with telling people what needs to be fixed or what's missing. I don't think I have enough experience for that kind of thing. The only thing I can do is tell people how good their writings are and to keep writing. As for that, it is the truth...I love your writing though. Please keep up the good work and sorry I can't be of much help.
Thanks, Soulful.