---------------------------------------
Chapter
1: The Room
---------------------------------------
Where am I? I was in a chair near the corner of the room. I surveyed my surroundings quickly. The room that I was in was completely wrecked. Everywhere, papers were scattered on the ground, drawers were open, and the strangest of all things, clothes were glued to the wall.
I looked at myself. I was dressed in some casual clothes. I was wearing a polo shirt and jeans. But when I bumped in the wall, I noticed something on my back. I found two swords and it was marked by a strange symbol. The symbol had looked like the letter z, except that it had a medieval font and a dash in the middle.
Also, there was one note on a blade.
“Find Drake. For Answers,” I read aloud. Why would I need answers? Then, a crazy thought emerged from my head. I tried to remember the last thing that happened to me before I woke up in this room. Nothing; blank.
No way. My memories. Gone. Maybe even forever.
"All my memories," I thought looking at the ground depressed. Should I simply just stay in this room right now and let myself die in a few days? Because there is no more to life. I know nothing of my past and if I had any achievements, most likely, I will not have any glory and more likely, more people will forget about me. Just as I have forgotten everything.
Is this the end? No, I refuse it to be this way. I need my memories. I don't even care if it's impossible, I will do it......but how?
I guess I had no choice, but to find this “Drake” character in order to recover my amnesia, or at least receive a reason why I got it. I still wondered why I required two swords, or at least one sword to find Drake.
I walked out of the building, still in the effect of fatigue. It was like the world was spinning around me. Then, I looked around. It seemed as if examining my surroundings was part of my nature before I received amnesia. The streets were very large and crowded. The place looked depressed. It seemed to have an economical effect. This will be a start of my road. The possibly hardest road one might face.
I walked like I was a normal person, but it was hard because I had two sword behind my back. Some people were staring at me, which made me nervous. Nervousness made me walk even less normal.
“Mommy,” a girl had said, terrified. She was tugging on her mom’s pants. “There’s a scary man right there.”
The girl’s mother looked at me. She glared at me like I was an outsider, a person who did not belong to this place, no worse, like a criminal.
“Maybe I should get rid of the swords,” I thought. Then again, if I were to get rid of something that was important in getting my answers, it would not be the brightest idea in a person’s head.
“There he is!” a voice shouted. “It’s the thief!”
I turned around, thinking I was the person referred as “the thief”, but surprisingly, I was incorrect. A man with many scars on his head had been sprinting. The man wore a blue hat and looked about forty. He had two guns on his belt. A gang of what looked like the police went after him. The police wore a uniform that had a mark of an eagle. They all had strange weapons on them.
One of them had a crossbow that was created out of metal and shot lightning shaped arrows. He shot it at the thief and the thief instantly stopped moving. It was like his body went to a full stop.
The police surrounded the man.
“Guess it’s the end for me,” the thief said still grinning.
“How can you smile at a moment like this?” the person who seemed to be the leader asked. He wore a rapier that had a blue edge. It also had a fancy R in the middle of the sword.
“I don’t know,” the thief said, “Maybe it is just part of my nature.”
The leader growled. “Take him to the execution building!’ the leader ordered.
“Yes, Lt. Graff!” the men agreed in unison.
The people of the town made a small crowd and whispered many horrible things about the police.
“Those policemen don’t know what they’re doing,” one said
“Enforcing the laws, they say? More like damaging the town,” another said.
The thief was in cuffs and walked towards me and whispered, “I know you’re new at this town, if you get me to not die today, I’ll swear I’ll help you out.” He smiled at me and returned to the police. I looked at him as he walked out of my sight. I wondered whether my choice was going to be right.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Timmy here, as requested.
Since this is a rough copy, I will not critique any grammar or punctuation issues I see, but try to remain focused on the storyline and character development as much as possible. Okay?
Okay, right in the beginning, you introduce us to your character, using the idea that he is completely amnesiafied. (sooo a word) He doesn't know where he is at, and everything confuses him BIGTIME, and he is just swirling in the unknown.
That works very well when done properly, but you need to brush it up a bit here. This is first person, yes? You have brought us into the character's mind and heart with first person in a way none of the other persons can do, but it lacks something. One thing was missing.
I guess this goes back to the old lesson of show, don't tell. You shouldn't have to inform the reader that your character has amnesia, but rather it should be understood, acknowledged, in their face boom! kind of feeling. I didn't actually know he had amnesia until the character said he had amnesia, so you may want to look at that.
Think of it like this: Your character has amnesia, right? No memories, right? Well, wouldn't that put a very empty feeling into your character? A feeling of hopelessness, alone, a sort of emptiness inside your characters heart and soul. There should be no need for you to tell us you have amnesia, but rather it should be understood. So work on that a bit, and show the confused and empty emotions a bit more and show us he has amnesia, rather than tell.
The thief sounds like a strange person--not really evil but just having a mental case. He seems to be a crazy man, grinning when the police capture him and not seeming to feel any remorse or sadness at the threat to end his life. The last paragraph was very strange, and it fit his character extremely well, I think. I wonder how big of a character he is going to be, and if he is important to the well-being of your main character. Only time will tell!
Your main character's personality is somewhat a mystery to me, as this is the very first chapter and it seemed to focus on the thief and his little embargo with the police. But don't let that worry you--there are plenty of chapters to push the character forward and let us become friends with him, but just remember to always keep your character's personality in mind when you write your chapters. The narration of the story shouldn't be a recounting of the story as it happens, but rather as your character sees it happening. That's why it's called a Pov. Point of view. Just remember to keep that little bit in mind when writing. Everything should be how your character sees it, because that will bring us closer to your story--and the character will be revealed to us in more depth as we go.
Keep going! You have got a handle on this. Its looking extremely good.
~Darth Timmyjake
Psssst! Let me know if you ever want grammar or punctuationish mistakes pointed out. Would be happy to do that for ya.
I already completed chapter 2 already
And yes I want the grammar and punctuationish mistakes pointed out
Hey, Dragongirl here!
So first off this is interesting. I am very curious to see where you will go with this. I find the mix of modern day and unique weapons a good match. It makes the world you are creating in this story somewhere I want to explore to find out what else you have cooked up.
I always like the amnesia trick as it can be a lot of fun to find out about the character as they figure out who they are themselves.
The only thing I didn't care for was how quickly your character assumes things.
*So, this must be artificial amnesia because there were notes explaining what I should do soon after I got amnesia.*
This is just one place that your character makes a statement that leaves no room for your readers to wonder or try to figure out what's up with the amnesia on their own. Which to honest is half the fun as a reader. The reader doesn't have to be left in the dark all the time but sometimes it is good to leave them guessing for at least a little while.
That being said, I can tell you have talent and lots of imagination. Keep up the good work.
-DG
Thanks! I appreciate the help
I like the idea of the story. Like a dystopian, sci-fi, made-your-own-world type story. I like those
and you did a good job with this one.
nice job.
I WANT MOREEEE!!!!
To start off, I just want to say you have really good description. Like, realllllly good. Best part of the story
Now for some things I didn't like so much:
-The beginning. It starts with a question, but then immediately andweres the question. A little weird. I can't reappy explain it, but it's just not the best opening. Maybe instead write:
"Where am I?" I wondered.
I serveyed my surroundings. I appeared to be in a room... Bla bla bla."
-I also don't like how the main character is just like "Oh, I can't remember anything. Must be that pesky amnesia. Reading that, I was like "....*makes rediculous face..." I can't explain it, it's just not good. Make the realization that he's got amnesia a little more gradual.
-the sentence: "I found two swords and it was marked..." Should be: "...two swords and THEY WERE..."
But as a whole, I loved this, and I especially love the cliffhanger. There's nothing like a good cliffy, and yours was good
Haha, I'm working on it, I'm just grateful that you liked it!
Sunshine here to review!
Because you requested I review your chapter I shall give you a review. First off you have a very interesting storyline going on here. You have created an interesting world and I think you can take this world and make it convincing. The only problems I really had were grammatical issues.
This was a bit confusing and hard to read. You shouldn't have used amnesia twice because we already know the MC has amnesia as it is already stated in the sentence. So maybe you can change it to, "So, This must be artificial amnesia because there are notes explaining what I should do."
This was also hard to read and understand. You can't recover amnesia, unless the amnesia you are referring to is an actual object or person. And your wording "or at least to receive a receive a reason why I got it" isn't a good choice of a verb. And I think you have the wrong tense of had. Maybe "I guess I have no choice but to find this "Drake" character in order to recover my memories, or at least get a reason why I have amnesia."
This seemed to be a weird sentence to describe the town.
This sentence was a bit weird. Maybe "I walked like I belonged here, but it was hard because I had two swords on my back." would work better?
This worked but it can be improved. Maybe, "A sprinting man with many scars on his head was the thief." instead?
Change created to made out of metal. Created doesn't sound right.
It's a weird choice of words. Maybe, "if you keep me from dying today,"
Another strangely worded sentence. Maybe, "It seemed as if examining my surroundings was part of my nature before I got amnesia"
You have a really good start to a story here. I thought it was very interesting. Aside from a few strangely worded sentences your chapter was very well written. Good job and keep on writing!
~Sunshine
Thanks
Shoot, guys before you comment/review please take note that I somehow messed up the lines that were made to look nice, please do not make note of this, as I already can see the problem.
Thanks-ShadowTony1