The Two Year Gamble- Chapter 3: Escape

by ShadowTony1

Published August 6, 2014

12+ Violence

In The Two Year Gamble

PreviousNext

Chapter 3: Escape

“Sapphire, eh,” the thief said, “The name’s Ralph.” The man did not seem like a bad guy, at least in my prospective. He was strange, and even peculiar in some cases, but not a bad guy

“So,” I questioned, “why did you become a ‘thief”?”

“That,” Ralph replied, “is a story told for another day if we’re alive by then.”

Ralph seemed like a mysterious person. As a person who wields amnesia, he seemed to be going through a lot. His scars in his face reveal beatings, all-out fights, and even some cases, suicide. He could be an escaped slave if there was any more in this world.

“I think I got a plan,” Ralph said, “See those guards over there?” He pointed at the two guards at the front of the cell room. I nodded silently.

“We tell them that your leg is sprained,” Ralph whispered more quietly, “And you also need to act like it. Once they enter our cell, we knock them out.”

“It seems dangerous though. I mean the guards have weapons and we’re unarmed and do not even know where our weapons are.”

“Don’t worry,” Ralph insured, “I already have been in this building possibly five times. I already have memorized it. Plus, remember we have the element of surprise.”

Well, we have nothing to lose. We already are going to die anyways. So, it does not hurt to try.

“Hey guards!” Ralph called.

I got into position and put my leg on the floor. I did not just act like I was in pain. I was pouring all the pain I had received all into my leg. I almost cried even.

One of the guards turned and looked at Ralph.

“The kid’s leg is sprained!”

The two guards walked towards our cell. The guard looked at me for a minute and then opened the cell.

“How did you break your leg?!” the guard seemed frustrated.

“I, I, I wanted to trick you!” I said, once Ralph knock them both out by elbowing them on their back of their neck.

“Let’s go!” Ralph said, “We don’t have time to wait, the guards will immediately know when a guard is knocked unconscious.”

Ralph and I dashed out of the cell room. Ralph had stayed in the front to guide me.

“First, our weapons,” the thief said. I have a feeling that he’s going to take more than he actually has.

“The weapon room is just towards our left,” Ralph stated.

When we got to the weapon room, there was a large stash of weapons. Some looked so expensive; it looked like it was made entirely by crystals and rubies.

“Ruby,” I said like it was a familiar name. Suddenly, I had a headache. It was like someone was poking holes into my brain.

“What’s wrong?” Ralph said looking at me with a suspicious look.

“Nothing,” I said slowly getting up, still in the effects of the headache.

“Whatever you say,” Ralph replied as he looted practically every expensive thing he could see.

I looked around, trying to find my two blades and saw it near a pile of other deadly swords.

“You probably need something else,” Ralph said.

“Plus, since you’re going to be a fugitive,” Ralph explained, “The stronger the weapons you loot, the weaker they get.”

I took my two swords and put them in my back, making the letter X. I looked around for another weapon. I found a container that was holding a red liquid inside.

“What’s this?” I asked.

“If you drink it,” Ralph said, “It will burn your body inside out.

I looked at the liquid and thought it was not possible for a liquid to be so powerful.

“Sapphire, better find your weapon quickly, because I hear fast footsteps.” Ralph explained.

I quickly picked up a bow and nodded to signal that I was finished. After that, we ran towards the exit. It was about fifty meters away.

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
ExOmelas
Review
ExOmelas wrote a review Review · Aug 31, 2014

'at least in my prospective' - 'prospective' should be 'perspective'. Prospective is like when you're applying to Uni and you are a prospective candidate to be a student at that University. Oh and you forgot a full stop at the end of that paragraph.

'why did you become a ‘thief”?”' - the speech marks before the question mark should be a quotation mark like the one before the word 'thief'.

'And you also need to act like it' - I think this might have been self-explanatory.

'once Ralph knock them both out' - this should be 'once Ralph had knocked them both out'. I think however that you should mention Ralph knocking them out first. I get what you are trying to do but the flow just doesn't quite work.

'Some looked so expensive; it looked like it was made entirely by crystals and rubies.' - this ; should be a , and 'it' should be 'they'.

'saw it near a pile of other deadly swords' - 'it' should again be 'they'.

The next to things Ralph says should be together in one piece of speech.

'“It will burn your body inside out.' - you didn't put the speech marks at the end of this piece of speech.


I enjoyed the plot of this and your characterisation was good but the flow kind of made it difficult to read. Like, everything was kind of spelled out so it didn't sound like it was really coming from the character's mouth. Which is odd, because I honestly got a great sense of the characters. I am very interested in your plot and it is just a shame that this made it a little difficult to read. Maybe just read it aloud and if there is somewhere that you slip into slang, slip in a contraction like 'couldn't' in place of 'could not'.

Well done! :D

User avatar
TimmyJake
Review
TimmyJake wrote a review Review · Aug 8, 2014

Timmy here for a review!

Ooooh. an escape scene now! I liked this chapter a ton, especially the entire part where they are taking their weapons. It is a scene where your character's personality begins to shine more--but especially the thief in this chapter. I felt his personality open up, his character become more prevelant, and he was in command in this chapter. That proved an excellent method of showing his personality. You seem to do a lot of development through your dialogue, which is an excellent way to do that and one that many people find it difficult to obtain. You have done it. Great job!!

In this review, I will just mention a few things I noticed through in numbers. 1-whatever

1)

As a person who wields amnesia, he seemed to be going


Okay, as a person going through Amnesia, not only does he seem to have a grip on everything (in fact, I truly had no idea that he had amnesia until you told us he was under it) but he also remembers everything about the building they are in. Now, if he truly has amnesia, he wouldn't have any memories, right? That means he wouldn't remember the building like the back of his hand, and he wouldn't have everything under control. In short, he would be scared and skeptical about pretty much everything, because his memory is gone.

2) Punctuation seems to be an issue with you. Not a big issue, mind you. You have it mostly under control, but there are a few places where it could be touched up. I will mention a few below.

even peculiar in some cases, but not a bad guy


Period there. :D

did you become a ‘thief”?”


You don't need to specially quote "thief" unless he is putting some quotation marks in the air or something. If he is, then this is how you do it.

'thief'?"


“It seems dangerous though.


comma after dangerous

I mean the guards have weapons


comma after mean

are going to die anyways.


Comma after die

You don't have a big issue with it, but I would check out here] to get an even better idea of where to put stuff. I think it will help a bit. :)

3)
When we got to the weapon room, there was a large stash of weapons. Some looked so expensive; it looked like it was made entirely by crystals and rubies


Description is your most powerful ally. Always remember that. Using description to your advantage can really push your work forward. Your reader... well, reads with their eyes. They also see your entire created world with their eyes, no matter how many times we try to throw in other senses, the eyes are still number one. So use that, bring their eyes in and describe the scene until you can see it merely by reading the work. It doesn't have to be a long description--some people can write merely a few sentences, and it all works perfectly--but you need to write the description until the scene is visible. Another tactic is to describe the scene as you go through the chapter. :D

I enjoyed this a lot! The entire plot is intriguing so far, and the entire world is beginning to develop throughout. I like your characters, and they are becoming more developed as we go through. And the tenseness is starting to become a lot bigger! I am really enjoying myself as we go through this.

Keep me updated!
~Darth Timmyjake



Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.
— Thomas Edison