Sunglasses

Nice job! this is a really good piece and descriptive! nice going! I love your writing!

Let's see...

Take with salt; mind the edges.

General Commentary:

1st Stanza: All I truly notice is a distinct lack of subtlety. I've said in reviews before, with much metaphor and pomp, how wonderful I think subtlety is to a poem. Things "left as an exercise to the reader," as it were. But, here, you simply state: "to block out the things/that I don't want to see." Very plain. Purposefully plain? Perhaps. For the better? Perhaps not.

Second Stanza: The big man is, actually, somewhat confusing. His raison d'etre is unknown to the reader, but it is not clear whether this is purposeful. It is, however, evident that the child, whose meager pay leaves no margin for shoes or shelter, is somehow beholden to this man. Perhaps I am not meant to know why - but something more is needed (or potentially something less?) to elucidate a "man big to himself." For the purposes of the reader, perhaps he is just a man. Perhaps he is something more. As he is, it's... an awkward in-between.

Also: Consider: how different is it to say "a man big to himself" than to say "a man no better than the dirt on the child's feet?" Perhaps all my consternation would be ameliorated by simply omitting that the man is "big to himself" - the second clause conveys the same message (he is dirt), and far more capably, and without leaving behind that awkward in-between, not-quite-reified-character feeling.

Third Stanza: Implications, implications... Wherefore I sought subtlety, 1morestupidlovesong auspiciously provides.

Fourth Stanza: I like the behavioral imagery. Picking at the mud beneath his cracking nails; muttering blasphemy... My only quibble, if you might call it that, is that his location is repeated: "on the corner," "paces on the street corner." It is not probably necessary to remind us he is at the corner of the street; lest, somehow, it is pertinent to the next stanza?

*reads ahead*

Nope, it's not.

Fifth Stanza: Although it is meant to wrap up the poem, and does "restate the thesis" (and I'm sure your teachers would be quite proud), does this stanza actually add anything to the poem? If so, it is lost to me. Perhaps the only insight it does provide, is that the world you limit yourself to, the world behind your sunglasses, is "dark" - in its way, a mirror to the world outside; a reminder of the very quality you attempt to block out.

But, in order to find that nugget, I had to go fishing. Yesh, yesh - I do appreciate subtlety. But, here, I was baffled briefly by a reprise whose purpose was too implicit, and so it seemed explicit - and not in the "a-ha!, I see wot you did tharr," awesome kind of way when I figured it out. Just in the "oh... maybe I can interpret it this way if I try really hard?," fishing-for-something-anything kind of way.

All in All: There's a festering heap of meaty goodness just waiting to be squeezed into delicious sausage wrappers lot of potential in this poem - in particular in the last stanza - and I think you've done well.

I Hate the Word Nitpicks. So: Grammar Edits:

First of all, it is a purely stylistic choice how a poet chooses to punctuate his or her poetry. My only suggestion: be consistent. If you choose to punctuate in a way that is meaningless - or even incorrect - once the poem is "compressed" into paragraph format, then that's fine. Just do so consistently. If you like, end each line with a comma. Have at it. A line break produces a pause just like a comma does - it's a purely aesthetic, stylistic, personal, maybe emotional(?) choice.

On the other hand, if you punctuate very strictly, such that, even if it were compressed into a paragraph format, your poem would read "practically perfect in every way," do that.

The one thing you should not do: Punctuate very strictly for four stanzas, then splice commas into your otherwise perfectly fine final stanza.

Alright. Real grammar edits starting.... nao~

When I put on my sunglasses

it is to block out the sun.

To block out the things

that I don't want to see.

The things that burn

when I look at them,

the things that hurt

to acknowledge.

The child that sits on the urine stained pavement

with a torn cap at his dirt smothered feet.

The one who takes his ten silver rupees that he makes per day

to a man who is big to himself but is no better than the dirt on the child's feet.

The young woman who comes to this place for a new life

and instead, kneels before a blue eyed man

and gets to work.

The bearded man on the corner who everyone calls crazy

muttering blasphemy to himself all day.

The one who went to fight a war for his country

but instead, they are disgusted by him daily

because he paces on the street corner and picks at the mud beneath his cracking nails.

Hey there, let me put my thoughts together. Okay, here's what I think-

I really like the idea behind this poem, particularly because it revolves around a single concept - sunglasses. You don't shuffle with ideas here and that makes it all centered on that one thing. Everything is so neat and tight. I would like to make a few corrections though : I notice a superfluous use of commas. You don't need to end every line with a comma, especially when it is a continuous sentence that is resumed in the next line that follows it. Punctuation is a poet's choice and I don't like telling people where they should put periods or commas or colons, but here, the commas mean pauses and you don't want them to mess with the flow of the poem.

Also, I notice the use of what I call a 'dash-train' between every stanza. These separators usually make me itchy as a reader, but here it works just fine. It kind of separates the images that you create in our minds - the child, the young woman, the bearded man and the narrator. So I don't have any particular problem with that. Moving on...

I like how it begins, the way you use burn to simultaneously refer to the sun and all the things the narrator doesn't want to see. Nice.

In the third stanza, you've used the phrase: big to himself, I wasn't able to understand it fully. Does it mean that this man is old and yet makes children work for him? I'm not sure. Do let me know what you're trying to say here.

Here are my corrections to the poem : (notice the commas I've removed). If this poem is still in the draft stage, do consider making these corrections in the final version.

When I put on my sunglasses,
it is to block out the sun.
To block out the things
that I don't want to see.
The things that burn
when I look at them,
the things that hurt
to acknowledge.

The child that sits on the urine stained pavement
with a torn cap at his dirt smothered feet,
the one who takes his ten silver rupees that he makes per day,
to a man who is big to himself (?) but is no better than the dirt on the child's feet.

The young woman who comes to this place for a new life
and instead, kneels before a blue eyed man
and gets to work.

The bearded man on the corner who everyone calls crazy,
muttering blasphemy to himself all day;
the one who went to fight a war for his country
but instead, they are disgusted by him daily
because he paces on the street corner and picks at the mud beneath his cracking nails.

No one can see through my sunglasses,
I am protected,
lost in my own dark, little world.

Hello, there. I'm not much of a poet but I'll try to give you a hand.

I think this poem could do with a little more intricate formatting. For example, the first and last stanzas could be in bold to show that those are the visible bits, the bits your narrator wants to look at. The dashes make sense, especially to separate what the narrator wants to see and what he/she doesn't. I think maybe it should be a solid line though, for the first and last ones. The middle ones should stay as they are, to show that the people are separate from each other but all blanketed by the sunglasses.

I think the content is great and the flow is also excellent but, honestly, I'm a little clueless about that sort of stuff.

Well done!

I feel this way about my face ): just kidding. But I think Im goind tho be way off with this interprestation. I think that you mean that you try to ignore things that are sifficult intellectually or emotinaly. And it is a defence mechanism but it also leaves you vulnerable for when terrible things happen to you. It warps your veiw of a world, and it bothers you a little. You become more isolated and withdraw. This is a nice bit of prose. Good grammer, acceptable structure, keep up the good work, and try to show more next time.

Hey, I'm just ganna leave you a short review!

Okay. There's this little issue right here...

To block out the things,

that I don't want to see.

I can see perfectly through my sunglasses,