Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
A/N: This is my edited version of the chapter. I made changes according to reviews after my first one. I hope this fits the bill. I made some minor changes as I didnt want to jiggle the plot I had up. Please give it a like and a review, it all helps. Also this is not a Skyrim fanfiction I only just used a location from the game. Sorry if that bothers anyone. I will change the name if it bothers a lot of people. *I've update the chapter based on ccwritingrainbow's, Authorian's and ScarletDreams14 reviews. Also from working with Craz who helped with some errors also*
I didn’t mind the walk to the shops at town but the weather changed that. Beautiful sun shone all season but the rain must’ve been getting impatient. The rain struck The Rift harshly, bringing with it pooled shadows where there was once light.
Usually Riften town centre would be bustling with salesmen and women competing for customers who already knew what they wanted.
Citizens would be enjoying a break from the usually busy week and taking their well earned coin to the taverns and drinking them away merrily. On this stormy night though, the taverns held not even the bartenders inside. Instead, the usual drinkers were all running up the streets tripping over their feet and stumbling across mine in their hurry.
“Out of the way, stable boy.” I fell onto the rough, rocky surface, cutting my leg just under my cut-up shorts.
Ahead of the crowd was a man being dragged through town in chains and branded with insults across his body like an animal.
‘GAY,’ ‘FREAK,’ and other offensive names and insults were hurled mercilessly at the shivering man as he was dragged through the pounding rain. No-one in the crowd held back their hate as food and drink began to pelt the helpless man along with stones, sticks and other items.
The rain washed away the man’s fresh, open wounds revealing the man’s bruises from the dirt that once lived on his skin but brought up into the air the rancid smells of rotten food enriched with fresh beer that trailed behind his beaten-up body.
The guards took no pity in the man, stopping him and facing him to the crowd to face even more devastation.
In one last attempt, he pleaded his innocence with the guards and the public. “I don’t deserve this just for being who I am! Let me go! Homosexuality is not a crime! I’ve done nothing wrong!”
His words brought more hate than redemption.
Footsteps along with the clanking of metal could be heard gradually getting louder as they came closer and closer to the crowd.
“Silence!” The man in armour commanded.
The crowd’s screams came to a sudden halt in the matter of seconds.
He took a deep breath before looking at down at the prisoner then back up at the crowd. Clenching his fist, he grabbed the man by his dirty, blonde hair.
I couldn't look but the sound of metal made a sudden thud that confirmed my worries.
I walked away, my heart in my mouth. Even though the distance from me and the crowd got bigger, the sound just got louder.
I limped into the shop closest to me, fell into the corner and cried into my ragged shirt, hoping the shirt could muffle my loud cries over a gay man getting treated badly as no-one did anything to stop the brutal beating!
I was in such a state. I didn't even notice the young man as he crouched beside me, offering a recently used rag.
“Can’t stand it either?” he asked in a soft tone. “It’s horrible the way they treat people just for something completely natural.”
I looked up to see the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. I just couldn’t stop staring at his dark blue eyes glimmering from the nearby candle. They seemed to be full of compassion to my state. I lost all my nerves. I didn’t know what to say. He just smirked as I was stuttering away forming nothing ineligible sounds.
“I’m Jack.” He said, offering a hand. “The blacksmiths apprentice. And you are?”
“James, the stable hand.” I pulled on his hand to bring me staggering on my feet. His hands were as soft as newly sewn fabric. It was like a dream. I nearly forgot to let go.
“C’mon round back. I’ll go and see if we can do something about that nasty cut on your leg.”
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137,557 Literary Works • 672,043 Reviews
Hey Scott. Here to review as requested. Sorry about the delay!
You've had a fair few reviews that go into a lot of the technical, grammar-y stuff, so I'm going to stay away from that side of things. Partly because I don't think I would say anything that hasn't already been addressed, but I think that there are some things that need to be dealt with before you start to worry about whether or not the grammar is perfect. Plus, I believe you said in your request that you were planning on restarting this story, so I think I'll look at the bigger picture stuff.
Probably my main problem with this chapter is the rather vague sense of place. I'm not sure whether it's meant to be set in a medieval setting, or if it's supposed to be a bit more recent than that, like Victorian era or thereabouts. That's the kind of thing that needs to be very clear from very early on, and at the moment it isn't. How do you fix that? The short answer would be add more description, which when you think about it, isn't all that easy to incorporate.
Seeing as this scene takes place in a street, an excellent way of making your setting clearer would be to describe the types of people that your protagonist is seeing in the street, and in fact describing the street itself. What do the shop fronts look like? Are there horses about? What kind of clothes are the people wearing? Street scenes are excellent ways of giving an insight into what the overall setting is like, if you use them well. This is a very short chapter, so you have plenty of room to expand on the sense of place. At the moment, all your description is to do with the weather, which, although that can add a good sense of atmosphere, doesn't really help in making it clear.
That's visual descriptions, but there's also the need to give us a few more clues about the society your characters are living in. Generally, the most effective way of conveying the information that the readers need to know in order to understand the world you've created is to weave it into the action. I think that the scene where the man is being dragged through the streets would offer an excellent opportunity to let the reader know a little more about this society. You tell us they crowd's reaction, but you also need to contextualise them. Just adding little things like 'this happened all the time', 'as always, the crowd's reaction was violent', 'ever since ___ years ago, this had been happening', etc. They're some very vague examples, but hopefully they can get you thinking, and giving the audience a little more clues as to what the society is like.
I think it might also be worth keeping the first chapter focused on one idea. Make the situation with the man in the chains more tense, give it more of a do or die sense. I think you moved past it too quickly, instead of building a really strong scene and moment out of it. At the moment, it feels like you're telling us what's going on, but there's a lack of emotion. It's a little too rushed, so don't be afraid to take your time, build up the tension, include a little description, and let the reader know how your protagonist is reacting mentally as it all happens.
Personally, I'd wait to introduce Jack until the second chapter, which would keep the ideas a bit clearer and distinct. Also be careful when it comes to falling into the insta-love trap. It's all good for James to be all whoa, this guy's really good-looking, but remember that he has no idea who he is, and whilst it's okay for there to be a bit of a connection from early on, your readers will thank you for slowing down the pace of the development of your protagonist's feelings.
On a somewhat related note, I'd also suggest that it might be an idea to change one of the characters' names. Jack and James are just a little bit to similar-looking, and it may get a bit confusing for your readers.
I think the ideas behind this story could be really interesting, and if you work on how you present them you could have a rather impressive story on your hands. If you end up reposting the rewritten version of this story on YWS, I'd be happy to review it for you. Any questions, let me know.
Happy writing!
Not bad, not bad. A few things though,
'“I don’t deserve this just for being who I am! Let me go!' This sentence is missing the closing quotations, simple mistake. But also I agree with Megsug's comment, this sentence sounds fake and completely over used. I could probably find this same sentence in every Pro-gay speech ever made. I don't want to sound harsh but it's the truth.
Also, I'm not sure if this situation actually fits in in Skyrim because in the game you can have same-sex marriages. If this were taking place in the middle ages I could see this happening but that's just my opinion.
Its well written though, I know this is a revision so obviously it's going to be better but I can tell you actually thought out this story so bravo *Claps*
I know this is a bit late (had a long time out). I'm going to be re-doing this story because looking back there are quite a few parts which I could change and just a lot to do with the story as well. Thanks for the review! I agree with your point you brought up about that sentence its just doesnt fit. Also I wasnt writing this as in it was Skyrim, I just got lazy and took Riften as a location thats all but thats something I will change because a couple of people have gotten mixed up. Thanks again and hope you give it a read when I make the revamped edition.
Hey Scott~
I don't think I reviewed your last draft of this chapter, so I'm not going to be able to compare it to the old version, but I'll tell you what I think now.
I'm sorry for the wait.
I skimmed through the other reviews. I apologize if I repeat anything.
Alrighty, I'm very intrigued with your topic. I think this definitely has potential and can go some place. I also think that a lot of tweaking needs to go on.
I'll start at the first few paragraphs. I was bored. Your first few paragraphs serve no purpose. There's no setting development, no character development. I would suggest starting at the gay man's beating instead. You'll achieve basically all you achieve with the paragraphs in that you do with them out. Anything you think would be missing could probably be fit into when he's leaving the beating.
Okay, this made me roll my eyes. It's sounds stiff and fake. Honestly, I think you'll just have to play with this dialogue until it sounds more natural. This doesn't sound like a man that's about to be beaten. This sounds like someone who's being made fun of for liking the color pink. He should sound angry or scared. This just sounds preachy. Exclamation marks don't create emotion. Words do.
Just some random shop? He seems to think being affected this way is shameful? Would he go into a place where someone may be to see him cry? Wouldn't he go somewhere he felt safe?
Okay. First, I consider myself an ally of the LGBT community. I completely support the message you're trying to send 100%. However, just like a bad Christian movie, I think your story is a bit preachy. I think the message will have so much more of an impact if you approach it subtly than if you try to shove it in your reader's faces. I'm afraid I'm not really sure what advice to give you to get there. Subtlety is something that comes with practice, so I encourage you to just keep writing with the idea that no one enjoys being preached at even if they agree with the sermon.
He's a blacksmith's apprentice? His hands wouldn't be soft. Blacksmith's work with their hands all the time.
I agree with Flite. Your romance has happened too fast. As readers, we take pleasure from watching the development of a relationship.
Okay, all the nasty stuff is done. When all's said, I do want to see where this goes. I'm interested in where you take this. James is fairly intriguing as a character, and I'm ready to see him grow.
Let me know when the next chapter is out.
If you have any questions, comments, or concerns, let me know.
Keep writing,
Megs~
Hi Hi
Sorry it's taken a little while, but here we go for the first chapter review!
I do nitpicks first and general comments after.
Is "Riften town centre" the name of a place? If so, capitalize all of the words in the name.
I think that first sentence/paragraph goes with this next sentence/paragraph. You have similar ideas going - describing this town centre - so they can all be together in one paragraph.
Great description here.
"other items" is very vague. Either describe what they are or take it out.
What a long sentence! I also find it really hard to follow.
"the rain washed away the man's fresh, open wounds" - the way I read that is the rain made all of his wounds magically disappear. I don't think this is what you were intending. I think you meant the blood from these fresh wounds, am I right?
"bruises from the dirt that once lived on his skin" - he had bruises from dirt?
The guards? What guards? Who/what are they guarding? Why are there guards? Where did they come from?
You have "facing" and "face" in close succession and I would change one.
Is "devastation" the best word? What about humiliation or abuse or hatred - to me those seem to be words that get at the specific actions against this man.
Really liked the simplicity of this.
To me "worries" is not a strong enough word here. Was he worried that this man was going to be killed or was he terrified, scared, angry?
I like the poetic-ness (made that word up! :p) of this. But what sound got louder?
Long sentence!
You've got a tense switch here. "I looked" is past and "I've" is technically "I have" which is present.
Really interesting start here! I'm curious to know more about this world. Is it past, present, or future? Where are they? Who are these guards? Why is he poor? Why does society hate non-heterosexual people?
I'm sure I'll learn the answers to all of these things as I keep reading
You have a nice fluid voice and you use a lot of really good description. Just be careful that you don't get so lost in that fluidity and description that you ramble or get lost in it. Remember the conflict and what's driving the plot forward.
There's still a lot I want to know about your MC and the rest of the characters (but it's the first chapter...)
One other thing to look out for (and this is purely my opinion), is to not let your personal opinions of LGBTQA to get in the way of the character. What I'm specifically thinking of was the discussion between the boys at the end - that it's horrible how they treat people for something so natural - it felt out of character to me. I don't know if I'm explaining that well at all, so please ask me to elaborate if that made no sense.
But I think you have an interesting start here and I love me a good LGBTQA book, so I'm excited to read more!
-Carly
Hi! There's a couple things that I would change.
1. I would change the word "at" to "in" in the beginning at, "walk to the shops at town".
2. I would add a comma after the word "usually" in the sentence "Usually Riften town centre would be bustling with salesmen and women competing for customers who already knew what they wanted."
3. I would also add a comma after the word skin in the sentence, "The rain washed away the man’s fresh, open wounds revealing the man’s bruises from the dirt that once lived on his skin but brought up into the air the rancid smells of rotten food enriched with fresh beer that trailed behind his beaten-up body."
Other than those few things, I love this chapter. *gives virtual thumbs up* Good job!
Hi, Scottylaa. This is Pinkie here for a review.
To The Nitpicks!!
"I didn’t mind the walk to the shops at town but the weather changed that."
You need the between 'town' and 'but'
"Usually Riften town centre would be bustling with salesmen and women competing for customers who already knew what they wanted. "
You need to put a comma on between 'Usually' and 'Riften', and put the comma between 'women' and 'competing'.
“I’m Jack.” He said, offering a hand. “The blacksmiths apprentice. And you are?”
You need a apostrophe on 'blacksmiths'
End Of Nitpicks!!
Overall, this is a interesting piece. I think this story will be a great theme for people who are afraid of being themselves. However, you need to put more descriptions on here for us to see what is going on. We need to see what you see in this story. Anyway, I enjoyed this story. Have a great night!
Wonderful Job!
Cheers
Your reviewer, Pinkiegirl13
Heyo Scott, Flite here as promised.
Must've -> You can't contract must have into must've, it needs to be written separately.
This is all very poetic and well, but the fluency in these two sentences is flawed. Look at the first one, beatiful sun shone all season? Season, what season is this? Is it winter, summer, autumn? Also, the sun doesn't have to necessarily shine, it can be covered by clouds. The rain can't bring shadows, is water droplets. You can say that shadows have pooled due to the lack of sunlight, but rain cannot physically bring shadow.
I think you can elaborate on this a bit more, maybe add the action of how our MC was pushed. Because a sudden dialogue proceeded by action with no explanation is very abrupt. How does one cut their leg under their shorts...this is rather confusing.
There should be their.
Also, your sentence structure is somewhat odd here. Look at the part I highlighted blue, I'm not exactly a whiz at grammar but 'had started being pelted' sounds very awkward. I think why you want here is, 'as the helpless man walked along the road, food, drink and stones were being pelted at him'. I know I left out some parts, but pelted can only be used as something is being pelted by something. If you're hurling something at someone, pelting doesn't what. This is in a medieval setting I assume, food is pretty precious. Unless if it's rotten food (which you should say so), I don't think they'd waste food on a prisoner.
The rain washed away his wounds? My, what magical rain this is. Ok, you get my point. Rain can't wash away wounds, is not possible. I understand this isn't in a modern setting but even so. Rain can't wash away wounds. I think you meant the rain washed away the dirt.
Look at the part highlighted in blue, I know you meant that the dirt had been on his skin for so long it is basically ingrained into the skin. But they way you've written it is a bit awkward, as dirt can't really live on skin.
You have two words that has the same origin here: facing and face. You want to avoid same words in such a short amount of words. Not only is it awkward, it is also repetitive and doesn't illustrate your point very well.
'Facing him' sounds awkward, instead try 'turning him to face the crowd'.
You missed an apostrophe in blacksmiths apprentice. As James belong to the blacksmiths, or the guild of the blacksmith. An apostrophe is needed to show possession.
Is this another magic material? Because newly sewn fabrics aren't usually soft, they're stiff, hard and usually not very soft. You might want to find another metaphor to describe his hands.
Content:
Your content overall seems to be alright, you have a good start that has the readers hooked at the start. But I noticed several plot holes in this chapter, and you also need to develop your characters as well as slowing down while writing to explore some of these actions. I will list some examples:
How does that man know he is a stable boy? Was it from his attire, if so, you need to give the readers some hints. Also, the man is in a hurry yes? Would he have slowed down to actually take in a boy's dirty clothes? Wouldn't 'boy' be more logical in this circumstance? I also think this dialogue was too abrupt, one minute you were describing about the city and suddenly you jump to our protagonist being shoved onto the road. You need to foreshadow this somehow.
This is a very typical case of telling and not showing, I will comment on that later but I will use this to make my point. On the quoted paragraph, you have basically told the readers everything. He limped. He cried. But you could show us these emotions instead. This is also a great point for some major character development and insight, why was he upset over a gay man being beaten? Why isn't he like everyone else? What makes him different? Is he is upset, how upset is he? Show us these things.
I will admit, I was half-chuckling to myself when I read this. Since I've already been terribly blunt, I might as well be at the end. This is a very cheesy if not somewhat illogical ending. My perception of what happened was this:
Jack offered a rag to James. James is suddenly wonder-struck. The end.
Before I elaborate further on why this ending was so cheesy and not very realistically developed, you described Jack as a 'young man' when he is an apprentice. A young man appear to my senses as someone who is respectably dressed, and someone in their late teens. But Jack is an apprentice which would imply his style of dress is probably similar to James.
They fall in love far too quickly, or you make it look like they fall in love too quickly. Who is Jack, what is he doing in the shop? Should James trust Jack so easily? I mean, someone having beautiful eyes and sharing the same opinion on you doesn't necessarily mean you're suddenly in love with them. The interchange between them is far too swift, they just met for god's sake. You need allow time for friendship or even love to occur, two strangers can't just form instant bond. Unless you want to turn this into a modern Romeo and Juliet.
Writing
The language of this chapter
I'm not sure what the setting of this chapter is, but I'm going to assume that is medieval because of the use of 'taverns'. I know you aren't planning on turning this into a historical fiction, but even so, you need to consider the language being used and the background for this setting.
For example in Medieval times, I don't know how old James is. But judging from his manner, he can't be any older than 16. A Stable Hand is someone who knows a lot about the animals they're caring for, and unless they're very experienced. I doubt they'd be allowed the position of stable hand. The same goes for Jack. The language also needs to be taken into consideration here. You don't need to speak medieval, but avoid as much modern language as you can. Avoid contractions if you can, instead of writing 'I'll' write I will. 'I'm' into I am and so forth.
Avoid use of modern slang terms if you can, terms such as 'gay' 'freak' has only come in the 1900s. Gay also has a meaning of happiness, instead of these terms. Maybe search up some medieval terms that has the same meanings? You also need to take the settings into consideration, what kind of shops do they have? The streets? You wrote in here that its rocky, but back in Medieval times. People dump their rubbish onto the road, and horses poos would fill the streets. All these aspects need to be taken into consideration to make your writing more realistic when writing in a certain era.
If you're not sure about what to research, PM me and I'll see if I can help.
Show don't tell:
I've mentioned this earlier on, but this is really important. Especially because this is in a foreign setting, you need build your world for the readers to see and imagine. That includes describing the character's surroundings and showing them to us. Instead of telling us things that James feel, show them to us using figurative language. There has been a lot of action going on in this chapter, and not so much insight into why James are experiencing these feelings.
Pace of the chapter:
The general pace of the chapter I thought, was rather rushed and chunky in some places. Like at the start, are the descriptions necessary? About the shops, are they absolutely essential? When writing, try and exclude things that are not essential to your plot because they can bore the readers and make your chapter long-winded. In this instance, by the time you were through with the descriptions, I had already forgotten that James was walking to the shops (would they actually have shops?). Wouldn't it be better to just start off with the action?
Then there was the man being executed, I thought that was way too short. If the man was being punished, wouldn't there be someone of higher order issuing this? The whole thing was smoothed over so quickly that I wasn't even quite sure if it was such a big deal. But since this is coming from a first POV, somethings can't be helped.
And last of all, remember to develop your characters. That ending with James and Jack was rather cheesy because they sound like old friends, or as if James has been crushing on Jack secretly for a while when in fact they've just met. This is only the first chapter, but I'd still have liked more insight into how James think. Especially because this is in his POV, try to show us the psychological reasons behind his actions and feelings rather than just showing us the surface in your future chapters. Overall, although this needs some work. I liked the idea of showing homosexuality in a Medieval setting and you could go a long way with this.
Hope I wasn't too harsh, all the best. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.
This won't really count as a review, because I think the changes you made were wonderful! Your sensory language is great! Good job.
Hey there! Scarlet here to review.
Sorry I haven't reviewed it in so long, I've been busy with the cabin stuff and it took up my time.
I'm here now.
Again, this brought me too the brink of tears. I'm just about to cry as I read this now.
Ironically I'm listening to Same Love by Macklemore & Mary Lambert which talks about the negativity against gays/lesbians.
This already meant a lot to be before now since you edited it, I can focus more on the meaning than the mistakes.
Even then that I noticed one or two mistakes.
The and Rift shouldn't be capitalized unless The is the beginning of a sentence. Rift shouldn't be capitalized at all.
“I’m Jack.” He said, offering a hand. “The blacksmiths apprentice. And you are?”
I think there should be a comma instead of ending that sentence after James.
Other than that it's amazing, emotional, beautiful and gives a strong message. It breaks my heart to see people get discriminated like this. What's the difference between the love between a man and a woman or between a woman and a woman, man and man. Gender? It's sad that people don't think about that. All there is separating man and woman from being completely equal is gender. Just one simple stereotype.
My favorite part out of it all has to be...
Beautiful, usually I hate romance but this just gave that 'Aww!' factor. I loved it and wish there was more of it.
Keep writing! I want to read more.
I suggest you listen to this song, It's absolutely beautiful: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hlVBg7_08n0
With love, Scarlet; Scout of the Sycamore Cabin; Also you new fan and reader
Thank you for the review again. I love your support for the meaning of this story, it does mean a lot to me and who I am. I love the song by Macklamore or however you spell his name.
Thank you also for pointing out the little faults you found. I will change the capital and I will put in the comma. I will also change the name of the story I think to something that has more meaning in its self so I hope you like the name change when it is done. I was hoping that this chapter would get on the literary spotlight but unfortunately I dont think I will but if you badge on about this to someone important on the website then maybe something can be done but I cant ask to promote my own story. Thank you again.
And I dont know if it still applies but "The Rift" was capitalized because it is a location in the story. Sorry if this isnt clear.
Anything for my friends ^-^ I'll go advertise it for you.
Ah, no it wasn't clear at the time. Ignore that comment in the review than lol.
Is this skyrim fanfiction? If it is then you must be misinformed. Anyone can go around marrying anyone and no-one gives a toss. Especially in Riften; Mara sanctions all love. <3
Sorry. I couldnt think of a name to call my location for my story so I thought of Riften because to me it fit my idea that I wanted for my story. The name of the location is the only relation to Skyrim. I was waiting for someone to notice haha.
You might want to try think of a different name then XD
Excellent revision! You added more detail and I especially noticed the ending flowed better with the rest of the story. A few grammatical mistakes, I corrected them below.
In the beginning I felt the deep thought, the middle I felt the hate and fear, in the end I felt the forming bond. I believe those were the emotions being portrayed, so A+ on that.
Now for grammar, only three errors that I noticed, and those slight and easily overlooked.
'pounding rain.No-one in the crowd' Easy, add a space between 'rain' and 'No-one'
'he asked in a soft.' The 'h' in 'he' should be capitalized, and there should be 'voice' at the end of the sentence.
'I’ve ever saw.' I've ever *seen.
Overall, the changes were all for the better. The flow worked well and you fixed some grammatical mistakes!!
9.2/10
Thanks for the second review. I will make the small changes now. I cant believe I made them mistakes. It bugs me when I do that. Thank the maker of the website to let you edit posted work.
Also for the issue with the 'h' being capitalized I dont know what to do because I left it uppercase last time and someone said it had to be lowecase. :L
Right? I'd be lost if I couldn't edit work.
And also, tip with whether or not to capitalize after someone talks, if the talking ends with a ',' then don't capitalize. If it ends with a '.' or a '?' or similar then do. The difference is whether or not you're still in the same sentence.
Ah right I get you.
Hey! Just telling you that I am entering this into the 10,000 points contest!! (Link: 10,000 points contest ) And not to be rude, but would you mind reading my first poem? I'm really proud ^^
Thank you! I'll definitely read your poem. Might even review it if I have time.
Thanks and your welcome!!
I think you wrote a lot more than last time, which had me hooked the moment I started reading this. I can still see some of the same mistakes I pointed out the last time, and I spotted new ones that can be fixed. Just read below, and you'll know what I mean about that:
"I didn’t mind the walk to the shops at town, but the weather changed that. Beautiful sun shone all season, but the rain must’ve been getting impatient." I saw that you disregarded this, and I just came to tell you how this is a bad idea. There are things called independent and dependent clauses. An independent clause is another term for a complete sentence. I think you would get the idea of a dependent clause by now, but it's another term for incomplete sentence. If you combine two independent clauses together with a conjunction, such as and, but, or, etc, the commas must come before the conjunction. If you have an independent clause, and a dependent clause together, a comma's not necessary. It's just good grammar to know that.
Instead is a transition, so if it starts the sentence, you need to have a comma after it.
"I fell onto the rough, rocky surface, cutting my leg just under my cut-up shorts."
You need to have a space in between the period after rain and "no-one."
"...open wounds, revealing the man's bruises (get rid of under) from the dirt that once lived on his skin (get rid of comma) but brought up into..."
"The guards took no pity in the man, stopping him and facing him to..."
"In one last attempt, he pleaded his innocence..."
"Silence!" the man in armour commanded. (I think that's the British spelling for armor, so I didn't change anything about that)
"...cried into my ragged shirt, hoping the shirt could muffle my loud cries over a gay man..."
"I'm Jack," he said, offering a hand."
Otherwise, kudos to you, kid. Keep writing because you have a passion for it.
Thanks for the review. I will make the changes just on this post so I dont use up anymore points on the chapter. Thanks for pointing out the grammar and punctuation issues I didnt realize some of them. That is the brittish spelling of armour thats why I was confused when someone mentioned it.