Timmy heeere! :3
So there is basically nothing I can add to what Therese said, so I know my review will probably cross over into what she said in hers, but I shall try to give you something outside what she already has.
While the message in your chapter was good, and the scenes amazing (I love how each scene builds to the book, and means something), I felt as though the writing in this chapter fell a bit from the previous. Mainly, I spot less detail than I am used to seeing from you, and seeing as though you tend to have on the lesser side of detail to begin with, it's something you may want to think about when you go into editing. When I mean details, I don't necessarily mean describing the barnacles on the rock until we have this HD picture of them. Only describe the important details, as you already know and already do. But, while you always focus on the important aspects and images you want to put across to your reader, you don't dwell on them long enough for the reader to craft an image or opinion on anything before being whisked off to another part.
Okay, let's take a look at the first part of this chapter.
They go for a boat ride in the Nile, and Asenath falls into the river. While these things aren't important, it would be a good idea to ensure that your research was done properly in this part. While I don't know about them for myself, make sure that 1) The Nile river currents are strong enough to pull someone under, because strong rapids and Joseph taking naps don't go together too well, anyway. And 2) Egypt is a desert, correct? Um, would she really mistake a crocodile for a log in a desert? And, I know this may sound silly, but make sure they're crocodiles and not alligators or something. xD While you have done your research, I am just tossing these things out there to ensure you haven't forgotten to make sure of a few things.
And I completely went off on a different track than where I was going for initially. heehee Let's go through this again, trying to stay on track. So, the part where she falls into the river. Not only is my image blurry and distorted by the lack of description, but I feel as though this story is in a torrent, too - always being whisked off to another place before the reader has enough time to settle in with the scene. Most of these scenes are so short that you have to insert two or three per chapter, when they are important enough to be given a chapter all to themselves. The boat scene? That one should have been a complete chapter, and with tons more detail, because it is an immense turning point in the character development of Asenath. I thought the speed of the piece, and the lack of detail in the conversation especially, made that scene fall somewhat flat and forced. Especially, especially with the dialogue. Because, while their words were nice and teary-eyed, evoking emotion from the reader and all that, there was no inlet into Asenath's mind or eyes during the entire conversation. We need more in that part of the scene, and the entire thing as a whole. Bring us into the scene, implement the five sense as Therese said, allow us to explore her mind during the conversation between her and Joseph. And slow down for parts like that, and allow the reader to soak in the environment of the scene. Just work with it. You have so got this, though. Just needs a bit of thought. c:
...And then the next scene gets somewhat mushy. xD No comment on that, save for that I thought it was a bit odd for Joseph to become so sentimental and teary eyed as he did there. But then again, he has always been a pretty emotional guy, it seems. Mostly, I am concerned for the parts with Asenath, and how it just completely flipped her viewpoint of Joseph almost like you snapped your fingers and presto! - instant love. We should bottle that. heehee If you brought in more thought in those parts about what she isn't saying but thinking to herself, I think it would ease the sappiness and oddness of her sudden change and help it make more sense. Because, as it stands right now, not only does she seem as though she is just an emotional wreck because she's changing her view of Joseph so often, but it seems silly. The words she says seem empty without being allowed to see what she tells the reader inside her mind. Even the first person thought you like to do would be better than none at all, because especially parts like this need that extra attention to.
The part with the hair and all that was quite funny, and enjoyable to read. I enjoyed this scene the most, because it showed me the difference in their relationship now. I would have liked to see more of her shy side in this part, since she has just professed her love (and if I had shown my hate towards someone and suddenly told them I loved them, I think I would be a bit). But besides that, I think it's been the most lively scene in your book so far, and one that shows both of their characters to perfection. Joseph is everything Asenath told him he was, and likewise for Joseph. I am enjoying this relationship between them. A lot. ^.^ I can see this becoming a unique romance as it goes on into the book. c:
Onto the next chapter. Be there soooon.
~Darth Timmyjake
Your comments are so helpful! I know you mentioned that I could ask for things for u to comment on. I would love a male's perspective on Joseph. Does he seem too...I don't know...unrealistic? Any tips on his characterization would be much appreciated.
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