z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Shifties Chapter 1 - Found - REVISED

by NerdBird


The yellow orb appeared out of thin air and hovered directly above the Ashley’s head.

She jerked back in surprise and shifted quickly into the defensive stance her father had shown her but it didn’t make her feel any safer. She grasped the hilt of the dagger hooked into her belts, focusing on the cold lick of steel against her palm, the familiar feel put her at ease.

Ashley focused intently on the ball of light. It was small and delicate like a star, drifting solemnly through the air. The light was soft and welcoming, not cold and distant as she’d expected. It glided towards her gently with a faint hum, a hum that crackled with energy.

Waves of yellow light sprang from its core; golden tendrils dripped across the charred dirt, over the tufts of grass and slowly crept towards the scuff of her boots. She timidly stepped back.

A shiver ran up her spine as the yellow spark became more intense. It pulsated and a faint gust of cool air washed over her and the fire she’d assembled moments earlier.

Ashley watched dryly as the fire quickly choked to cinders.

I spent hours trying to light that thing, she grumbled, glaring at the orb.

Its presence unnerved her. She didn’t understand what it was or even where it had come from. Had it been there all along? Had it been following them?

No, observing us, she thought. Her heart fluttered in her chest. She looked out to the waste, searching for a glimpse of her father but found only darkness. Her eyes struggled to adjust amidst the brightness.

Her skin goose pimpled despite the humid air and the wind had dwindled from its usual maelstrom of air to nothing. The world had gone quiet.

Something ominous lurked underneath that glowing façade and the world knew it. Her muscles stiffened and she took a deep breath to steady herself. I need Dad, she thought.

Her leather garb glimmered a peculiar shade of gold as the light flew closer, tracing her shape out of the darkness, making her extremely visible, but very little else. The dark seemed impenetrable around her, the wall of night had caged her in, trapping her with the mysterious orb. Her pulse quickened.

Her eyes drifted out into the wasteland around her. The darkness spread across everything like a thick blanket of oil, the shattered remains of the stars outlined the land in a faint stroke of silver. Shelves of earth jutted out of the ground at sharp angles and charred remnants of buildings were littered in between.

One in particular, far off in the distance, was lined with a flickering orange light. Inside Ashley could make out her father searching for supplies, his multiple shadows dancing across the walls. Ashley sighed.

“Figures.” she mumbled. He hadn’t even noticed the light. It looked like she was on her own for now.

Ashley returned her gaze to the orb. It was inches away from her face. She darted back, stifled a gasp and thrust her silver knife out in front of her.

“What do you want?” Ashley yelped and instantly regretted it. Her voice faltered and cracked and her throat ceased up entirely. Still, she held out the knife shakily.

Her eyes urgently searched the darkness, hoping her father would have heard her hopeless cry but she found only walls of black and twisting shapes.

She gulped. There was something out there. A swirling mass of shadows with claws and fangs and haunting yellow eyes. The orb had been the perfect cover. The brightness had temporarily blinded her; she’d failed to notice the darkness hiding just around the corner, hiding in plain sight. It has to be a trick, she thought.

She spun from side to side, knife out, trembling in her palm, cold sweat running down her cheek. There’s nothing out there, there can’t be. She nodded to herself.

No doubt the orb could see the hesitation on her face. It would see that the knife wasn’t in fact familiar at all; she didn’t even know how to use it. She had only faint memories of using something similar to eat food. But this was much bigger and weightier and sharper. She gripped it tighter, remembering that faint slicing movement.

Tendrils lined with spikes spilled into the corner of her vision. She screamed and jumped back and slashed blindly with her eyes shut tight. An unexpected wail sang in her ears. She’d done it. She’d actually done it. She looked down to find what looked like a strand of writhing shadows. She blinked and just like that it was gone.

She shook her head. It had been there, it had been real. Only seconds ago. She knew what she saw. She stared at the orb. It was messing with her. It had to be.

Doubt seeped into her mind. If the orb was capable of playing mind games she wasn’t entirely sure she could take it on alone. It was only mildly comforting that she could in fact use the knife to defend herself, though she questioned for how long.

She despised herself for not having listened to all of her father’s discussions about training. After all, they were in the middle of the Burnout. She hadn’t expected there would be anything alive out here besides them. It was nothing but ash and ghosts.

She wasn’t sure whether to run. It was clear she was in over her head and this was more than just a harmless light ball.

She stiffened as the orb’s spindly yellow wisps skulked across her fingers. The colour soaked into her pores and twisted her stomach.

The thick tendrils swept out the meet her, floating and twisting in the air before shooting towards her blade and yanking it from her grasp.

Then the orb exploded in a volley of blinding light.

Ashley shielded her eyes as quick as she could but it was too late. The orb had stunted her vision. She stumbled forward, grasping the dirt, her ears ringing, her breaths ragged and the world spun in striking yellows and blacks.

Black spots swarmed her vision, each one exploding in a burst of colour as the world returned to her in a painful blur.

Her fingers, the dirt caked under her nails, her knife resting metres away, glittering in the unsettling yellow light underneath the orbs, the Orbs.

Ashley turned ice cold and her heart plummeted. Thousands of balls of light were drifting across the plains in radiant formations. They swam through the air gracefully, rising and falling, sinking and shifting, all the while igniting the wasteland in the same disturbing shade of yellow.

Her mind went blank.

She suddenly felt extremely small. The world shrank around her as she sunk into the earth, the world giving way beneath her. Her body trembled overwhelmed by the glow of a thousand tiny stars.

Father was at her side in an instant. Ashley jumped at his sudden arrival and quickly tried to hide it. She was thankful for the mess of tangled hair that fell over her face concealing her petrified eyes.

“What are they?” she gasped, failing to hide the fear in her voice.

His gaze was trained on the orbs, the light swimming in his irises. They were cautious of his presence, dimming slightly and hovering closer to the ground, like it was waiting for something.

“Nothing good,” he replied, keeping his voice low.

He rested a hand on her shoulder protectively and Ashley shrank into his frame, grasping at his loose shirt. He hugged her to him awkwardly.

The lights flashed an unnatural blaze of red and started to move erratically. The orbs burst out in spikes and twisted wildly, churning up spouts of dust as they struck the ground. Ashley squealed.

She spun sideways, her eyes wide with terror.

“Should we run?” she blurted.

Father’s eyes glinted in the red light; the harsh glow tracing the thick scars on his skin.

His cool gaze found Ashley’s and he gave her that look, “Worth a shot.” he grinned slightly before making a dash for the cabin he’d been poking around in.

Ashley sprinted after him frantically, hurdling across the shelves of dirt and leaping off the jagged shards to propel her forward. A burning pain stabbed at her lungs and she chastised herself for being so unfit. She glanced over her shoulder to see an angry stream of yellow spiralling towards them. She pushed herself harder and ignored the burning pain in her lungs; she chastised herself for being so unfit.

They thundered up the sagging steps and burst through the front door; a habit as it was hanging off its hinges. The room was completely empty, if you could call it that. The windows were non-existent and half the surrounding walls were missing. Wind beaten pillars were the only sign there had been walls there at all. A few loose planks and debris made up what remained of the floor. Father led Ashley towards the far wall which was relatively intact and pulled back a loose plank.

“Get in, quickly!” He motioned her inside.

“Are they Warpers?” Ashley blurted, shaking visibly.

“No…” Father gritted his teeth, “It’s something much worse.”

Worse. Worse than Warpers. Ashley didn’t even think that was possible. Her mind raced with nightmarish images and she shivered.

Ashley held her father’s gaze for what felt like a lifetime. Her eyes welled up the longer she stared. All the jesting had drained from his face, his wrinkles were deeper and his sly grin had dwindled into a thin line. His once childish eyes glistened like slate under the starlight.

He smiled encouragingly. A smile that said everything would be okay and Ashley grasped onto the thought with a vice like grip.

She took a deep breath and nodded. Father laid a hand on the small of her back as she reluctantly crawled into the space between the boards. The inside walls were riddled with damp, the slimy coating rubbed off on her skin and made her gag. Her coat tugged and her hair pulled as she struggled to find a crack to glimpse through.

Father stared through the slats, hoping for one last glimpse of the girl he swore to protect. He placed a hand on the boards and Ashley’s glided to meet it. He slowly closed his eyes and sighed, shoulders drooped. He shook his head in defeat, eyes still closed and grudgingly moved away. His hand trailing across the wood until his fingers tips could no longer reach it.

He ambled across the room and pulled up the floorboard he’d chosen to stash his weapon, a weighty sawn-off shot gun he liked to call Brass Rain. “Hello darling.” He said as he wistfully caressed the rusted metal. He was done dwelling on past mistakes, tonight he would make a difference.

The yellow lights were upon them. The ominous glow dripped through the damp boards and rounded the corner in a pulsating swarm. They hovered effortlessly over the threshold of the collapsed wall, completely ignoring the doorway Ashley noticed.

Father stood his ground and aimed. He didn't need to check if it was loaded. He pulled the trigger and sparks flew.

The lights burst apart and a terrifying screech pierced the night. Ashley flinched but Father was seemingly unaffected. The lights quickly fizzed out and transformed into an angry mass of black shadows.

“There you are.” Father grinned. Three livid clusters of shadows descended on Father while a fourth broke off into the desert.

Boom! Screech!Wood splintered, stone cracked. The flash from the shotgun blinded, the acrid smell of gun smoke lingered in the air. Ashley breathed shakily and her skin tingled with cold sweat. She tugged her hair away from her face, and slid back and forth between the boards following Father’s movements and theirs.

They were like ghosts, drifting by in slithers of darkness, taking different shapes and dispersing as rapidly as they had formed, always changing, always moving, never giving Father a chance to hit something solid. They swarmed like a living tangle of monstrous things, claws, fangs and spikes. Ashley hadn’t imagined them. They were real.

They toyed with him, shifting and striking viciously, relentless in their efforts to destroy him. He stood steadily in the center of the commotion, his eyes darting from shadow to shadow as they raced about him. His jaw set, he pulled the trigger and held fast for the recoil. Another show of sparks ignited the room. He whirled to face another and precisely fired a shell into the glittering meld of shadows that rose up to meet him.

“Come on!” he baited, his smile brimming with exhilaration, “Hit me!”

The shadows surged into spikes, furious at his taunt. The slivers of dark speared towards him. Father quickly dived under his leather coat, clumping it in his fists tightly. It hit him like a freight train. The force surprised him and he stumbled back several feet. His foot connected with a loose plank and he grasped it. He gritted his teeth and swung the plank round forcefully.

A jet of silver powder erupted from the shadows as they crumpled.

The darkness shrank backwards and pulsated as it calculated its next move. Father grunted as he slotted fresh rounds into their barrels. The shadows lunged. The gun flashed. A cloud of ash surged upward. The round misfired. The powder singed his brows. He blinked away the sting in his eyes and straightened up, reloaded and cocked Brass Rain once more and took aim. The shadows shrank into thin mist as he pulled the trigger.“Smart-ass.” he muttered.

Ashley knew it was a matter of time. A shotgun was only as useful as the ammo you supplied it with and she knew they hadn't had much. The shotgun had been their last case scenario; it made too much noise and attracted unwanted attention. She thumped against the damp timber, pleading with the wood, urging it to loosen and fall away. Ashley cursed.

All she needed was a moment, a distraction to get them away from him. After that they could run. It was evident the shotgun was useless. Her fingers slipped awkwardly over the surface before finding a workable opening. The wood groaned as she pulled and pale silver light slowly filtered through the crack.

“Don’t you dare, Ashley!” her father shouted gruffly. Her chest tightened as she locked eyes with his. He was a ruin. The supple leather of his coat was torn through like tissue paper, dangling off his hard frame in strips. Sticky blotches of burning skin marred his once chiseled face. He swung the barrel to the side, another flash exploded, tendrils of shadow collapsed inwardly. Ashley gasped. Crimson leaked down his right shoulder and spilled across his shirt but he remained unfazed.

“Better.” He jeered.

He rummaged in his pocket for more shells. They took him from both sides. He whirled to meet the first, smashing the butt of the gun upward into the mass of shadows. He spun and brought his arm up to block but fell short as the other crashed into his side, driving him against the crumbled remains of the east wall.

Ashley’s screams died in her throat. They went down hard in a spray of stones. Father roared as he elbowed his assailant, bone slammed repeatedly into the mess of black coils as they slashed wildly.

DAD!” Ashley shrieked, digging her nails into the wood.

A hand flickered in the darkness. It clutched at the shadows and drew them closer. The creature’s high pitched wail pierced Ashley’s ears before it exploded in a shower of stardust, revealing two smoking barrels gripped firmly in her father’s tattered hands. His pained gaze fell on the wall that served as Ashley’s hideaway. She leaned against the boards and gasped. The tendrils had cut deep across his face and sliced through what remained of his shirt. Red slowly trickled down his cheek.

He sat against the rocks, his chest heaving, heart pounding against his ribs. He saw the world through a crimson haze and he knew it was over. He’d used up nearly all of his ammo and yet had only successfully killedone. Father grimaced, hauled himself up and flung his weight onto his shotgun using it as a crutch as he stooped.

The darkness circled him restlessly, fading in and out of the true shadows as if they were born of it. Father plucked the remaining shells from his coat and stared at them intently. Ashley swallowed,what is he waiting for?The shadows danced before him and coalesced into a fluctuating shape. Two eyes, glowing like lanterns, spun into existence, their golden wisps of light swirled and churned coolly. The eyes in the shadows.

Father straightened, wincing as he did so. He offered his palm to the creature that waited silently, like a ghost. The shells rolled off the tips of his fingers and chimed off the hard ground. Ashley held her breath. What is he doing?He awkwardly bent over and scooped up the fine silver powder scattered about his boots.

The creature stared. The remaining shadow moved to flank its better formed cousin. Father smiled as he let the powder sift through his fingers like time through an hourglass, watching as it glided away on the wind, lost forever. The creature’s eyes tilted curiously.

His eyes returned to the creatures, “We’ll all be stardust in the end.”

He motioned his hands to the skies, gazing into the darkness before coughing gruffly. The creature’s eyes glinted and the darting shape burst apart, fusing with the other to stand several feet tall before looming over the defenseless slumped figure of Father.

He gazed in Ashley's direction and cracked a blood stained smile. Ashley bit her lip as the burning wall of tears blurred her vision. He reluctantly turned away and stared into the swirling yellow eyes of his foe, his smirk quickly faded into a menacing glare.

“What are you waiting for?” He roared, blood spittle escaping his lips. The dark crashed down on him like a tidal wave of blackness. And just like that, he was gone.

And so was she.


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129 Reviews


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Mon Aug 25, 2014 12:25 pm
Wriskypump wrote a review...



Sorry Bird, to arrive so late. There's already a massive amount of good reviews, and I'll give my best shot to make mine worthwhile, and catch some things others may have overlooked. I have been looking forward to reading this, even more so since I've seen that it has changed drastically enough that it is almost unrecognizable from the first First chapter. So Here we go.....

At the very start, when the orb hovers above "the Ashley's face." I think 'the' was a typo.

"focusing on the cold lick of steel against her palm, the familiar feel put her at ease." -- The way you have this part has an awkward end, that I think could be sewn up by rearranging: "Focusing on the familiar cold lick of steel against her palm, putting her more at ease" -- more at ease because the earlier mentioned defensive stance didn't make her feel totally safe, if at all.

I like the properties of this mysterious yellow orb at the beginning! As always, your descriptions never cease to enthrall. ;)

"Ashley watched dryly as the fire quickly choked to cinders." -- having just praised upon what I just praised, dryly didn't click anything for me. Find a more potent word?

"I spent hours trying to light that thing, she grumbled, glaring at the orb.
Its presence unnerved her. She didn’t understand what it was or even where it had come from. Had it been there all along? Had it been following them?
No, observing us, she thought. Her heart fluttered in her chest. She looked out to the waste, searching for a glimpse of her father but found only darkness. Her eyes struggled to adjust amidst the brightness.
Her skin goose pimpled despite the humid air and the wind had dwindled from its usual maelstrom of air to nothing. The world had gone quiet."

--I have several things to say about these couple of paragraphs I have lumped together.
Good News! :D I like the looks of using thoughts I love how amidst this unnerving roam of the orb, she is ticked that it put out the fire she labored to erect! xD The sudden introduction of "us" is also a stellar transition, now you've got us wondering who is there besides Ashley, awesome hook-er! <---*Looks at that last word* *face palm* *breaks it up with a dash, for pleasantries*
Bad News: You say she looked and saw only darkness, than the next sentence shows her adjusting to brightness. It took me a sec to figure. Consider tacking on "of the orb" after saying brightness? For clarity.
Worst News: I said hooker. :/
Me being unsure, lol: should goose-pimpled appear with that dash? For awesomeness points, you could say, ..."humidity riding the wind which had dwindled..." and also, then you don't have to feature air so close together, which sounds sort of un-flowing, I think.

It sounds more grown-up of Ashley if she were to think, C'mon Dad, instead of, I need Dad Unless you have made her age younger. If I remember right, she was 16 last time.

What if..."Her pulse quickened." Her pulse tap danced to a ditty on a high/tightwire? OH, my strange little quirks. Heh

“What do you want?” Ashley yelped and instantly regretted it." -- Since Ashley is startled by the change of position in proximity to her face, I think, she should yelp first. Otherwise, in my opinion, her What do you want sounds like a contemplative whisper or any number of things another reader could imagine her reaction being, perhaps even challenging. So, my suggestion looks something like this: Ashley yelped, "What do you want?" and instantly regretted it. Not sure then, if that 'and' would need capitalization.

"...hopeless cry but she found only walls of black and twisting shapes. " -- for the sake of suspense, cut that sentence in two. Forget zee but! "She found only walls of black and twisting shapes."

It had been there, it had been real." -- the paragraph around it is all short sentences, and this might as well be split apart, seeing as they are two separate sentences anyway, or you could use a semi-colon

The action scenes are tremendous, I have nothing to critique about them, much better than I could hope to do, at this point in my life. This is gripping. This is worlds better than your first chapter one O.O oooohhh, they're gonna run....

" she chastised herself for being so unfit." -- I mean, you already said that earlier, so keep one, scratch one.

They thundered up the sagging steps and burst through the front door; a habit as it was hanging off its hinges." -- The second part seems like it belongs in parentheses.

A smile that said everything would be okay and Ashley grasped onto the thought with a vice like grip. " -- the part about grasping and vices, it doesn't really allow me to understand the feelings Ashely is feeling about her father's smile.

He was done dwelling on past mistakes, tonight he would make a difference. " -- two sentences there; a comma isn't enough. Needs its semi-colon. :)

They hovered effortlessly over the threshold of the collapsed wall, completely ignoring the doorway Ashley noticed." -- It would be beast, if you put did something like this, and changed things to thoughts, I'll show ya what I'm thinking: ...of the collapsed wall. completely ignoring the doorway...Ashley noticed.

killedone." -- they are mushed together, prob typo, but ya knever know. ;)

I mean, seriously, how much of a good solid crutch is his shotgun going to give him? I find it a little counteractive anyway, sawn-off shotguns are only like, what? 18 inches tall?

"We'll all be stardust in the end." -- Awesome thing for him to say

This is pretty masterful, especially the action scenes. I could express how much I loved it, but do you really want me to be hare all day? These orbs are a nice addition to this apocalyptic wasteland mess plot. shadows hiding in them. and this time, we get to see just exactly how her father was cornered, what led up to his death. the mom is around this time, makes me wonder, but I'll wait and see. This is really a gripping introduction. I know I couldn't put this story down if I picked it up off the shelf at a bookstore or library. I'd have to buy it or check it out to take it home. Well, take care, bird, and please find time to write so I don't have to hold my wonder and astonishment and fascination inside so long!




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Sun Jul 27, 2014 4:15 am
megsug wrote a review...



Hey Nerd~
Phew, you have a lot of reviews. I'm sorry for the wait >.<
I skimmed through your reviews, so I hope I don't repeat anything.

Wow. You've made a lot of changes. I think that, for the most part, this is much better.

However, your beginning is not as good. I think you need to start with more of a bang. What you have is kind of bland and forgettable.

The last time you struggled with characterizing Ashley, and you're kind of having the same problem this time. You do a fantastic job with her dad though. I know exactly what kind of person he is. I'm having the same problem with a character in the novel I'm writing. For me, I know him so well that I have trouble remembering that the readers don't know him at all. What I've started doing is for every chapter I write with him in it, I try to pick at least one characteristic I'll illustrate in that chapter. Then, the next time, I'll have that characteristic and add another. I think that may help you get Ashley across to us.

I thought your last lines were cheesy :/ I know others disagree, but it's too much.

I'm also curious as to why these aliens waited so long to take him. I mean, they're basically giving him the opportunity to escape or think of an escape plan. It doesn't make sense for them to act as they do. His sudden calm, thoughtful mood is also a little questionable. I don't feel like it's very realistic.

I do love these alien beings though. I'm so intrigued right now. I hope you get farther in this draft than you did your last because I'm excited about learning more.

If you have questions, comments, or concerns, lemme know.

Let me know when the next chapter is out,
Megs~

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Wed Jul 16, 2014 5:04 am
Lefty wrote a review...



Hey, there! Lefty here to review, as requested!

First off, I liked it a lot. The chapter went fast as I had my eyes glued to the page. It was suspenseful, action packed and left you wanting to know more. Although you still don't really know what the Shifties are, you get an idea by the end of the chapter. It's enough of a taste to get you interested without knowing everything. Those are all very good things to have in a first chapter! The sentences flowed nicely, you have a great vocabulary and grammar and I was able to visualize everything pretty clearly!

Since it was written in third-person, I thought it was a bit odd that you referred to the dad as "Father" as if it were his name. Perhaps it's meant to be mostly from her POV in which case that what she would call him... Or maybe that what you were wanting/going for. If so, great! Just a personal preference.

One thing that I thought could be emphasized is Ashley's surprise when she first sees the Shifties. I assume she's never seen them before, so I thought there should be a little more reaction there. If you saw your dad being attacked by shape-shifting shadows, wouldn't you be more than just worried?

One last thing is that there were no descriptions of how they looked, other than one reference you made to the fathers face. Everything else I can see pretty clear in my head, but I can't picture the characters all that well. I'd also like to know the general age of Ashley.

Ashley stared pointedly into his eyes and repeated the question, this time emphasising every word.
emphasizing, not emphasising.

^^I think that was the only typo I caught. Nice!^

Overall, great writing, great first chapter and great start of a plot! Keep on writing and I'll keep an eye out for chapter two! Have a good night!




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Mon Jul 14, 2014 11:48 pm
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Moriah Leila wrote a review...



Hi there, here to serve you up a tasty review, as requested. I want to start out by pointing out the positives and then we can get into the nitty gritty.

First of all, you had me enthralled through out the whole piece and I can sincerely say, I am interested to see what happens next. Your descriptions are quite creative and you do a good job painting a visual picture. Finally, I loved your ending. It was a dramatic cliffhanger that made me wish there was more to read.

The starless skies remained as unfilled as Ashley remembered. The swirling dust of shattered stars was all that lingered, soaring endlessly across the black in great clouds. The delicate silver light dripped across what little it could touch. A far cry from when the dust was alive and burning brightly.


I like this description of the setting. It is an impressive visual. What I don't like is that it is your opening paragraph. In my opinion, every good story has a hook, or an opening that reels the reader into the book. It doesn't have to be dramatic or creative, but it does have to make your reader want to keep reading. Here are some good examples of a "hook" from published works:

I've been collecting bugs since I was ten; it's the only way I can stop their whispers. (Splintered by A.G. Howard)

Harry Potter was a highly unusual boy in many ways. For one thing, he hated the summer holidays more than any other time of year. For another, he really want to do his homework but was forced to do it in secret, in the dead of night. And he also happened to be a wizard. (Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban by J.K. Rowling)

While your description is vivid, it doesn't make me want to keep reading. You can still include that paragraph in your story, I would just find somewhere else to put it.

Ashley didn’t remember much except that they’d been on the run for days, maybe weeks, endlessly skulking, hiking and searching for shelter. She only knew what Father wanted her to know, reluctant to share the hard facts with what some would consider a sensitive little girl. Ashley snorted at the thought, she fancied herself quite the rebellious type.


This right here is what we would call an info dump. You are telling the reader rather than showing them. It is necessary at times so that your reader understands what is going on. But I would be careful because you tend to do this a lot throughout the story. A great way to show and not tell is through dialogue, something that I found sorely lacking. Here is a great article by CastlesInTheSky that gives you more ideas on how to show and not tell.

But she did know this: someone or something was after them. No matter how hard Father tried, you can never disguise the sense of impending danger. The fear slowly drips into everything you do and eventually takes over.


Right here you switch your POV. Up to this point you are telling the story from a third person limited POV and then you switch to a second person POV. You do it later on in the story as well, I will try to find that section so that you are aware of it. If you have questions about POV and what would be the best one to tell your story from I would suggest checking out this article by Caligula's Launderette. It delves into more than just POV, but her explanation of POV's is fantastic.

Boom! Screech!Wood splintered, stone cracked. The flash from the shotgun was blinding, the acrid smell of gun smoke lingered in the air. The world outside drifted by in shadows.


Great job using sensory language. You touched on more senses than just visual and that deserves a cookie. *Hands you a cookie* However, notice the bold words show that you change tenses in the same sentence.

The shadows darted back, pulsating as they calculated its next move. Father glimpsed at the tiny incisions splitting across his hands and grunted. Straightening up, he raised the shotgun once more and took aim. The shadows shrank into thin mist as he pulled the trigger. Smart,he thought.


Here is that other instance where you switch POV. You tell so much of the story from Ashley's perspective that when you start letting us see what the father and the shadows are thinking, it is a little disruptive. If you're going to tell the story from the third person omniscient POV, be consistent. Give us a peek into dad's head at the beginning of the fight, not in the middle.

Ashley knew it was a matter of time. A shotgun was only as useful as the ammo you supplied it with and she knew they hadn't had much. She thumped against the damp wood, the noise lost to the inhuman screeches. Ashley cursed and her heart raced.


Your character development needs work, plain and simple. At the beginning of the story you describe Ashley as this little, innocent naive girl who can't possibly grasp the severity of her situation and yet here you have her assessing the fight from a logical viewpoint and she curses. It doesn't match up and it makes it hard to connect to her, because she isn't believable. Make sure that you take the time to fully develop her, especially if she is your protagonist. The more you know about your character, the more you can write her in a way that is believable. If you need assistance with character development, well that is my specialty. Feel free to pm me. I have all kinds of fun exercises for you to do that will help you develop her into the kind of character that people connect with.

He sat against the rocks, chest heaving and weighed up his options. He’d used up almost all of his ammo and yet had only successfully killedone. He’d sustained two injuries in a matter of minutes. The math was simple. Father grimaced and hauled himself up then flung his weight onto the shotgun using it as a crutch as he stooped; his morale was as ragged as his coat.


Another instance of switching POV. We see things from Father's perspective and then we are back to Ashley's. Just wanted to point it out in case you decide to do a limited POV.

His eyes flashed to the creatures, “We’ll all be stardust in the end.”


Powerful line. Bravo.

He reluctantly turned away and stared into the swirling yellow eyes of the Shifties, his face a picture of irony.


This is the first mention of Shifties, I assume that is what the shadows are called. Give us their name when they first arrive, not at the end of the battle. Also, I am not sure what you meant by his face a picture of irony. It doesn't make sense because irony is defined as the use of words to convey a meaning that is opposite of its literal meaning. If you are going for a poetic description, it doesn't work here.

That concludes my review. I hope it was helpful. If you have any questions or need anymore help please don't hesitate to pm me. Also, I'd like to know when you have more chapters posted. :)




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Sun Jul 13, 2014 4:05 pm
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BrumalHunter wrote a review...



Salutations.

Per request, I have arrived to review your first chapter, and I must say, what a chapter! It has much potential; you need only hone your skills more, and it will be a fantastic piece of literature. In the meantime, I applaud your descriptive talents. You pay sufficient attention to the detail of your imagery, and your use of the typical "heroic father" archetype is employed successfully and without being cliché. Now, on to the polishing!


They came in the night. Descending like fireflies, silent and swift.

You may go view every review for a first chapter I have ever written, and you will see that in each, I state the importance of the first sentence. You understand its significance already, of that, I am sure, but I shall stress it nevertheless. It must be as powerful as it can possibly be, and I think yours is not. The problem is easily remedied, however, as you need only join the two sentences with a comma. Not only does it then contain a lovely comparison, but also alliteration.

Ashley wriggled anxiously; imprisoned between the damp boards of the walls.

A semi-colon replaces a conjunction. In this case, you should have used a comma.

Her father had bundled her into the cabin’s walls by a loose plank used to stash tins of food.

I think the preposition through would work better.

It kept her out of sight and out of harm’s way, right where her Father liked her.

You must decide whether to use her father or just Father here - not both.

Boom! Screech!

Hmm, onomatopoeia. I don't see that very often. It provides interesting variety to the text.

The flash from the shotgun was blinding, the musk of gunpowder lingered in the stale air.

I can easily visualise this scene... and I have the perfect music to which to listen whilst reading this as well!

His jaw set, he pulled the trigger and held fast for the recoil.

Whether you realise it or not, adding the underlined greatly improves your writing, as it provides that little extra which distinguishes excellent authors from mediocre ones.

He whirled to face another and precisely placed a shell into the glittering meld of shadows that rose up to meet him.

This sentence confused me the first time I read it. Perhaps you should consider replacing the underlined with fired, thereby granting the sentence much needed clarity.

Gritting teeth, his eyes flickered to the wall and he relaxed a little.

This sentence is rather awkward to read. Perhaps you could change it a little so that it reads better. "He gritted his teeth and his eyes flickered to the wall; he relaxed a little." is a possible replacement.

Come on Dad, come on!Ashley urged silently.

These two words should be separated.

The dark came crashing down on him like the night steals the day. Entirely.

This is a very effective concluding sentence. I may disagree with it, as I believe the night gradually swallows the day, but it is impressive nevertheless.


The greatest thing about this chapter is the imagery you used. Not once did I think you ignored the chance to improve your description, and not only that, but it was excellently executed as well. If the other aspects of your writing are as good, then you can take on any writing project with confidence.




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Sat Jul 12, 2014 2:03 am
Shady wrote a review...



Hey there Bird,

Shady here with a review, as requested. c:

So, I'll start this with a warning that I'm absolutely terrible at summarizing-- so you'll be getting my thoughts as they come to me, while I read the work. Okay? Okay, good.

First off, I really liked your first paragraph. It's suspenseful and is a good hook. I'm interested to see where this goes. Well done.

Ashley wriggled anxiously; imprisoned between the damp boards of the walls.
~ This should be a comma, not a semi-colon. It's not two separate actions. She didn't wriggle anxiously, then be imprisoned-- she wriggled anxiously as she was imprisoned. So, yeah, comma.

Boom! Screech!
~ I recommend italicizing these, since they're not words so much as noises you're trying to emphasize here.

The shadows darted back, pulsating as it calculated its next move.
~ Shadows is plural, "it" is singular. You need to choose whether it is a shadow or they are shadows, and make your pronouns agree. :P

He’d sustained two fatal injuries in a matter of minutes. The math was simple.
~ Well, yes, the math is simple-- but that's not exactly how fatal injuries work. :P Fatal means it kills you. You can't be killed twice... well, I suppose in certain twisted genres you could... but that's not what's going on here. You can have more than one injury with the potential to cause death, but only one can be the fatal blow.
~

Okay! So, your story definitely has quite a bit of potential. I like the intrigue you set up for us, and I really like your writing style-- short and forceful, to the point. It's great for such an action-ridden scene as this, keeping us on the edge of our seats waiting to see where this goes.

However, you don't really give us much plot. Sure, we have a MC (protagonist?) Ashley and her father fighting shadows-- but you don't really give us a reason for the shadows being there. Who is Ashley? Who is the Father? What are the shadows? Who controls them? Why are they trying to kill the father? I'm guessing this is like a prologue/first chapter for more to come-- but I'd like to have a more solid grasp at an actual plot to go off of. A better feel for the characters. This is a pretty short piece, so you have room to expand more, which I recommend.

Hope this helps!

~Shady 8)




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Fri Jul 11, 2014 9:58 pm
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ThereseCricket wrote a review...



Hi Nerd Bird! Cricket here as requested! Thanks for thinking of me. :D Will do my best on this for you!

So I'll try and not copy anything from the previous reviews, but if I do, please forgive me and just ignore it. :D

From reading this I can tell that you are particularly good at putting description throughout the entire work. You go right in and insert it, while still keeping up on the dialogue and action, which for a lot of writers is quite a trial to accomplish. The only bit of advice that I can give for description is to make sure you do all FIVE SENSES when writing a novel chapter. You included sight and occasionally touch, but make sure you include sound, touch, and smell. But that's all the advice that I can give you with description. (I might mention some small spots later on. Just a couple of nitpicks with it is all.)

The chapter is pretty well paced, but I did feel that it was slightly rushed. I'd suggest trying to slow it down by using some more thought, and maybe a bit more description. But that's about it!

They came in the night. Descending like fireflies, silent and swift. They swarmed the cabin, igniting it with their sickly yellow glow before converging on her father.


With this I just spotted a bit of redundancy. You start two of these sentences off with They. When writing, always try to avoid any type of redundancy. The best way to really avoid it, in my opinion, is to just read aloud to yourself. You'll pick out the redundant part REAL QUICK.

Boom! Screech! Wood splintered, stone cracked. The flash from the shotgun was blinding, the musk of gunpowder lingered in the stale air. The world outside drifted by in shadows. They toyed with Father, shifting and striking viciously, relentless in their efforts to destroy him. Father stood solidly in the centre of the commotion, his eyes darting from shadow to shadow. His jaw set, he pulled the trigger and held fast for the recoil. Another show of sparks ignited the room. He whirled to face another and precisely placed a shell into the glittering meld of shadows that rose up to meet him.


Auugghhh, I'm so sorry to cut out so much! But with here I just had a slight nitpick. I noticed that the sentences are jerky and don't really flow into each other. I'm thinking you need to read it aloud to yourself as you write a little, to just make sure they do. Descriptions are awesome though. :D

Father plucked out the remaining shells from his coat and stared at them intently.


I thought this sentence seemed a bit awkward. I thought maybe if you rephrased it a little like this it might fix it...

Father plucked the remaining shells out from his pocket and stared at them intently.


Seemed to flow better to me is all. :D

Everything had happened so fast. Her father had bundled her into the cabin’s walls by a loose plank used to stash tins of food


When you said everything I thought for a sec that you meant a lot of stuff. Well I'm only seeing one thing that happened. If you aren't going to put more stuff in, then I'd just suggest doing a little more description on the second line when her father bundled her into the cabin's walls.

The shells rolled off the tips of his fingers in slow motion and chimed off the hard ground, unused.


By the social interaction and what you have told us before already implies that the shells were unused, so I would't bother telling us that they are unused. :D

He awkwardly bent over and scooped up the fine silver powder scattered about his boots.


Is the powder, gun powder? If so, then it wouldn't be gray. It would be black. And are you meaning that the powder spilled from the shells? I'm not entirely sure that they would...usually the casings are extremely tough. If this wasn't what you meant then just ignore this nitpick!

Ashley swallowed, what is he waiting for?


I'd suggest making the line before the break, Ashley swallowed nervously, and then make it its own sentence and start a new one off with the thought.

defenceless


Is this how the English spell it? I'm not sure...if not, then its spelled, defenseless. Hope I'm not wrong in nitpicking this, and if so then please ignore it!

PARAGRAPHING

My only other concern besides the rest would be that your paragraph length is off in some parts.

Such as...

He rummaged in his pocket for more shells. They took him from both sides. He whirled to meet the first, smashing the butt of the gun upward into the mass of shadows. He spun and brought his arm up to block but fell short as the other crashed into his side, driving him against the crumbled remains of the east wall. SPLIT HERE Ashley’s screams died in her throat. They went down hard in a spray of stones. Father roared as he elbowed his assailant, bone slammed repeatedly into the mess of black coils as they slashed wildly.


Again I'm super sorry to cut so much out, but with I put in bold where I think you should SPLIT IT. Paragraphs are usually always 3 to 5 sentences per. It can always be like one or two of course, or maybe 6, but you should never really go over 6 or 7. People have very short attention spans, and you will most likely lose their attention, or they won't get the entire gist of the idea, if you don't keep them shortened. :D Hope I was clear on it!

And that's it! Hope this helped you! :D

Keep writing!

~Cricket




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Fri Jul 11, 2014 7:07 pm
Lava wrote a review...



Hello ello NerdyBird!

So, interesting premise you have here. Let me skip the nitpicks, and head into things which I thought sounded a bit awkward while reading you story. Flite there has gone into some detail about where the word choices could be better, and I think you can work on that when you're looking back at the chapters.

The first line threw me off. Mostly because I haven't seen fireflies swoop in and fly really fast. There's more hovering and blinking hoping to find mates. IN that case, the analogy you used would be a bit wonky. Correct me if I'm wrong though.

I noticed you capitalize father in some places and not in others. Try to be consistent with one of those. And, perhaps, if you're going with the capitalized form, hopefully there's a reason for the respectful reference or whatever.

As a first chapter, this is pretty interesting. It's a nice way to set the stage for the father and the daughter. It gives a brief glimpse into what these characters and shows potential for good character building over the couple of chapters. I'm excited to see what sort of sci-fi mystery you can throw at us

The stardust sentence. I liked it. :)

Keep writing and cheers,
L




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Thu Jul 10, 2014 10:52 pm
ScarletDreams14 wrote a review...



Hey there! Scarlet here too review!


This was a good story though I was confused of what was going on? I wasn't sure what he was fighting at first. I would put this more in the short-story range since it didn't seem like a chapter. If it is a chapter for a novel I'd suggest putting

Found: Chapter One

at the top.


Ashley wriggled anxiously; imprisoned between the damp boards of the walls. I need to help him, she cried silently.


Too me this was confusing to read, because I wasn't sure if this was a thought or apart of the forum itself or her actually saying something. It would be best represented:


Ashley wriggled anxiously; imprisoned between the damp boards of the walls.

"I need to help him!" she cried silently.


Also there doesn't need to be a comma after it says 'I need to help him'




The shadows darted back, pulsating as it calculated its next move. Father glimpsed at the tiny incisions splitting across his cracked hands and grunted. Straightening up, he raised the shotgun once more and took aim. The shadows shrank into thin mist as he pulled the trigger. Getting smarter, he thought.


When representing a thought it would best stand out in italics. That's how they do it in the books. Here I'll show you what it should look like:

The shadows darted back, pulsating as it calculated its next move. Father glimpsed at the tiny incisions splitting across his cracked hands and grunted. Straightening up, he raised the shotgun once more and took aim. The shadows shrank into thin mist as he pulled the trigger.

Getting smarter he thought.





Sticky blotches of burning skin marred his once chiselled face.


Misspelling, it's spelled chiseled



Come on Dad, come on!Ashley urged silently. A hand flickered in the darkness.



There should be a space between the exclamation point and Ashley. Also even if she's speaking silently there needs to be quotation marks.

Example:
"Come on dad, come on!" Ashley urged silently.


What is he doing? No, no! He awkwardly bent over and scooped up the fine silver powder scattered about his boots.



Thoughts should be put in italics so they're known as thoughts.


The creature’s darting shape burst apart, fusing with the others to stand several feet tall before looming over the defenceless figure of Father.



Misspelling it's spelled defenseless.

“Take me as you took the stars.” The dark came crashing down on him like the night steals the day. Entirely.


Instead of putting entirely in a whole different sentence put a comma after day and make sure entirely isn't capitalized.

Example:

“Take me as you took the stars.” The dark came crashing down on him like the night steals the day, entirely.


If you wish to enhance the word itself, just put it in bold lettering.



Besides that it's a really good story and it was action-packed and interesting. The ending is sad though, but I liked that.

This may help with the punctuation issues:

http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/GRAMMAR/marks/quotation.htm


Great job!

http://cdn.crushable.com/files/2012/07/Thumbs-Up-Emma-Stone1.gif


With love, Scarlet; Scout of the Sycamore Cabin




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Wed Jul 09, 2014 12:20 pm
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Apricity wrote a review...



Hello NerdBird! Flite here for a review. I will point out some nitpicks, move onto the actual chapter and then summarize it all for you.


They came in the night. Descending like fireflies, radiant and swift. They swarmed the cabin, igniting it with their sickly yellow glow before converging on her father. He didn’t stand a chance.


These are shadows correct, your description here is lovely but is not quite right context-wise. They are composed of shadows and have yellow eyes so I can understand the yellow part. But 'radiant' sounds too upbeat for a dark atmosphere like this one.

Ashley wriggled anxiously; stuck between the slimy boards of the rotting cabin they’d made their camp.


She is stuck between boards? How big are the boards, this sentence doesn't flow quite well. I think you also missed a 'where' between 'cabin' and 'they'd'.

“Don’t you dare Ashley!” her father shouted gruffly.


If Ashley can't hear anything over the inhuman screeches and her father is busy fighting off some inhuman monster. Then how does he have the time to even detect that Ashley is crawling out? I mean prying open wood would creaked yes, but I think it'd be drowned out with all the other noise.

His leather coat was torn apart, dangling off his hard frame. Powder burns grazed his face from misfires and stodgy shells.


I think you could perhaps show us how his leather coat was torn apart rather than saying it? It gives the readers a sharp imagery, as you know the old, show don't tell. Describe the leather coat to us, what has happened to the leather, is it in threads or what? Don't say powder burns, describe how the burns looks on his face.
I'
This man was not to be reckoned with.


Not sure what 'reckoned' here means.

“I can’t lose you!” Ashley shrieked, her pounding of the walls reflecting her terrified heartbeat. This was it. This was the end.


If she can crawl out of her hiding place, then why didn't she do something about her father. Can't her father hear her, I mean he did earlier? If so, why didn't the Shiftie hear as well.

Content:

This seems like an interesting start, it promises enough action and mystery. Even though it was short, it has enough tension to keep the readers hoping for more. You have a vast vocabulary and you seem to have a good grasp with figurative language. But as I read this chapter, something nags at me and I can't figure out what it is.

All I have right now is that the flow of your chapter is very chunky, this possibly due to the style in which you've written this piece in. One of the problem is the fluency of your sentences. They tend to be short, chunky in length and sometimes the rhythm in them doesn't flow.

Ashley struggled to keep quiet. She knew it was a matter of time; she needed to help, to get out, to break free. She thumped against the damp wood, the noise lost to the inhuman screeches. Ashley cursed and her heart raced.


^ In that passage above, most of your sentences are basic sentence. Usually all starting with a pronoun or a proper noun. There is nothing wrong with that, but when you have so many similar sentence type and openings together. It starts to get flat and bumpy, read it aloud to yourself and you will see what I mean.

The parts I highlighted bold, there is way too many 'to's together. Is like reading off instructions or something. Instead of saying that, you could show us her feelings instead of telling us these things.

He sat and weighed up his options before grimacing and hauling himself up. He flung his weight onto the shotgun, using it as a crutch as he stooped, all his energy finally spent.


This transition from battle to sudden surrender seems very unrealistic to me. You have given us no reasons as to why this might be, I understand that perhaps you're withholding these reasons due to future plot demand. But right now, is not very plausible and the transition is far too swift. I mean one minute, he is kicking ass with the shadows but the next, he weighed his options (in which you didn't tell us or imply) and then just decided: 'oh what the heck, you know what I'm just going to give up!' Even if is short, you need to give us some clue as to why he is surrendering it. Is it because of Ashley, if so, maybe he should flicker to her hiding place with a pained stare. Or was it something else?

The shadows danced before him and coalesced into a fluctuating shape. Two eyes, glowing like lanterns, formed into existence, their golden wisps of light swirled and churned coolly.


I liked the descriptions here, though your word choices here could be better. Good writers are concise and precise, weeding out unnecessary words and choosing the exact word to convey meaning. Precise words — active verbs, concrete nouns, specific adjectives — help the reader visualize the sentence. Good writers use adjectives sparingly and adverbs rarely, letting their nouns and verbs do the work. You've done a pretty good job with most of the chapter on word choices, your adjectives were well-chosen but is your verbs that could be better. Like in here, formed into existence doesn't sound quite right here. How do something form into existence? I know you mean the eyes sudden appeared or something like that, but formed is the making of something. Turn to a thesaurus if you're unsure.

“We’ll all be stardust in the end.” He explained, motioning his hands from the skies to the creature before dropping his gaze with a heavy sigh.


I'm curious about this stardust, I'd like to know more about it. Word choice here again, explaining seems rather odd. I know the creature seems curious, why is the creature curious by the way? Explaining makes it seem like he was obligated to do it, musing would probably work better here.

“I can’t lose you!” Ashley shrieked, her pounding of the walls reflecting her terrified heartbeat. This was it. This was the end.


Forgot to mention this earlier, but new line for a new character's speech. I've already pointed this out earlier but this seems a bit strange that neither her father or the Shiftie took any notice of this. Also, is this scene really necessary? I've gained nothing from this scene except how illogical it is. Apart from Ashley shrieking about she can't loose him, but we already know this earlier on in the chapter. I think your chapter would actually have more impact if you placed Ashley's reaction after her father has been taken.

Father glared unafraid into the swirling yellow eyes of the Shiftie. “Take me as you took the stars. Mercifully.”


I'm not great at grammar myself, but 'glared' and 'unafraid' does not go together. Glared here is the verb and unafraid is the adjective, adjectives are usually placed before a noun to describe that noun. There are cases when an adjective is placed after a verb, but in here. It is grammatically incorrect. An adverb is what you want here, something like fearlessly or something down those lines. Just a question, if he is so unafraid. Then why did he ask for a merciful death? Kind of contradictory don't you think.

Character development:

This is only the first chapter, and one filled with action at that. Not much I can say on character development, you seem to be the type of writer who conveys what they want through action instead of words and dialogues. Ashley has been mentioned several times, but she doesn't exactly stand out. She's witnessing the death of her father, but asides from the usual screams and panic. I don't really get an insight, so I'm hoping for more next chapter. Her father seems interesting enough, he knows about the attack (even though I don't know why), I don't know who these Shfities are. But I assume they will be told later on in the novel, he seems fearless and strong and very protective of his child. Not much I can say once again, hope to see more.


Summary:

Overall, I rather like the premises and plot in which this chapter has been written on. It is new and intriguing, you have a good grasp on imagery is just your word choice and sentence fluency that needs a bit of work. Please keep writing, and if you have any questions please send me a PM.


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Tue Jul 08, 2014 9:40 pm
EmeraldEyes wrote a review...



Hi

I will start by saying:

They came in the night.
Best opening line I have heard in a while! Simply because it is so simple. :) It's catchy and short and teases the reader by withholding information, so you make me want to read on.

Ashley struggled to keep quiet. She knew it was a matter of time; she needed to help, to get out, to break free. She thumped against the damp wood, the noise lost to the inhuman screeches. Ashley cursed and her heart raced. He wouldn’t last much longer. A shotgun was only as useful as the ammo you supplied. Her fingers scraped along the planks, finding a slit to pry open. All she needed was a moment, a distraction to get them away from him. Her fingers slipped awkwardly over the surface before finding a workable opening. The wood groaned as she pulled, the pale yellow light slowly filtering through the crack.


However, I do have a massive problem with all these big chunks of description. The story needs to be integrated with narration and dialogue and description. All mixed together.
It's good, it just gets a bit heavy going in places.

Keep writing. :)





Don't aim at success--the more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side-effect of one's dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by-product of one's surrender to a person other than oneself.
— Viktor E. Frankl