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Eight Reasons Why I Kissed Hayden Beaufort (Part 3/8)

by TriSARAHtops


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

#3: THE EFFECT OF TERRIBLE MUSIC

Generally, I wasn’t an impulsive kind of person. I wouldn’t claim to be totally cautious, either, but for the most part, I rarely did things without some thinking. I’d certainly never hopped on a bus to the other side of town – the decidedly shifty part, all things considered, now that I’d properly examined Freddie’s message – without so much as a doubt. Even as I sat down at the back of the bus, I was more surprised at myself than anything else. Aside from rapid beating of my heart and the slight adrenaline-fuelled tremble of my hands when I slid my phone out of my pocket, I felt pretty in-control. And if I was completely honest, chasing after Freddie was far less complicated than trying to untangle Eugene’s weird-arse behaviour.

It kind of stung that he hadn’t chased after me. I’d known Eugene for long enough that it was hardly a revelation that he was a total wuss when it came to anything that could have consequences, but I did hope that I might prove to be some kind of exception to that rule. As the brick and weatherboard houses of my neighbourhood flashed by outside, I tried to quell the strong desire to go back to yesterday, when Pugnacious Dogma had been whole, Freddie and Audrey were still together and Eugene had been insolent but carefree. Yesterday was normal, and so, so far away from this bus.

I had little doubt that the first thing Eugene would do was going to be dobbing me into Tahlia – that way, I would be her problem, not his – so I quickly texted her if eugene calls u, ignore him.

Within a couple of seconds, I got a reply, Ok, why?

I paused for a moment, considering my reply. On the one hand, I didn’t want to lie to Tahlia, but I knew that she wouldn’t like what I was doing. Her loyalties lay with Audrey, and the fact that I was helping Freddie for the sake of the band wouldn’t sit well with her. And unlike Eugene, she actually would have the guts to come after me.

he’s being a prick, I finally said. It wasn’t a lie, not really, and I figured that it would be a half-truth that Tahlia would be happy with.

Whatd he do? Call me!

I glanced up from my phone to see that the bus stop I was meant to get off at was just down the road. I stood up and pulled the cord to get the driver to stop, and quickly sent Tahlia a final text saying, just being a general prick. don’t worry about me. I hav to go now tho. see u tomorrow?

I turned off my phone before I could see any reply, and stood up. The bus juttered to a halt with a slightly concerning screech of breaks, and without the sound of the engine, I could already make out the sound of nearby music, even though if my memory of the area was correct, the address Freddie had given me at was on the other side of the block.

Despite it being nearly eight thirty, it was still warm out, and the sun hung low in the sky. I was glad for the light as I hurried through the street, trying to pretend that the stigma surrounding this part of town wasn’t making me nervous. The houses were uglier, the gardens less tended, the cars rustier, out here. Doesn’t mean anything, I tried to remind myself. Even still, I quickened my pace, as I rounded the corner and followed the sound of music.

When I reached the house that Freddie had sent me the address to, I didn’t even need to check my phone to make sure I was in the right spot. The same kind of music that I’d heard when he’d called me was reverberating off the footpath, and through the open garage door I could see people standing around, talking and laughing. I dialled Freddie’s number to let him know I had arrived, but my call went straight to voicemail.

“Dickhead,” I muttered, and loitered a moment. I didn’t particularly want to enter the party. It looked like the kind of revelry that ended up on the news after getting gatecrashed or growing out of control. I’d only been to a couple of really big parties before, but never one which I hadn’t been invited to. Even standing on the edge of the driveway, I could smell the alcohol, and I was reminded of one of our Friday nights last month, when Theo had smuggled a cask of cheap wine out of his parents’ place. Tahlia had barely taken a sip before she had begun giggling at everything from Theo’s struggle to get the wine to pour from the cask to the whispered conversation between Audrey and Freddie. It had been one of the less enjoyable Fridays we’d spent together – alcohol made me restless enough as it was, Audrey and Freddie had spent half the night making out on my carpet, Tahlia became hysterical after a glass and all Theo seemed capable of doing was mucking up the lyrics to his own band’s songs. Eugene had been the only one who had been remotely enjoyable to be around that night.

Eugene.

Somehow, the thought of him steeled my resolve, and I decided to enter the party. If I didn’t, I’d be as gutless as he was, and there was no way I’d be able to face him with that knowledge.

“Have you seen Freddie? Freddie Atkins?” I asked the first girl I saw, shouting to make my voice heard over the deafening music. She stared at me in confusion, so I said, “Never mind.”

I asked some more people the same question, receiving a variety of responses: a few more blank looks, a couple of no, sorrys and one suggestion to look inside. One girl placed a drink in my hand, a boy with dreadlocks stared at my chest as I passed by him and I was offered a cigarette in response to my question three times.

I followed the advice of the softly-spoken boy who had recommended that I should look inside for Freddie, taking a sip of the drink that had been given to me as I walked. It was in one of those big red cups you see in music film clips and Hollywood movies; I didn’t think that people actually used them in reality, much less round here. Whatever the cup contained was sickly sweet and the acrid taste of the alcohol burnt my throat as I swallowed. Prudently, I decided not to drink any more of it, and put it on a nearby table.

“Too strong for you?” I turned around to see Freddie standing behind me, a smirk cutting across his pale features. With most of his hair hidden by the beanie he was wearing, his face looked even sharper and more angular than usual, and the shadows cast by the setting sun rendered his appearance harsh – even cruel. His expression did nothing to help this, and I wanted to be done with him as soon as possible. It was no mean feat to quell the urge to slap him.

“I didn’t come here to drink,” I replied coolly. “Now let’s go.”

“Come on, Liv,” he entreated, and walked closer to me. The smirk was partially wiped off his face, and was replaced an expression I’d seen him use on Audrey dozens of times. It was a look that he whipped out whenever he wasn’t getting his own way – which, with Audrey, happened on a semi-regular basis. Tahlia and I jokingly called it the smoulder. There was no way in hell that it was going to work on me, though. “You should stay awhile. Have a drink. Talk to people. Dance, whatever.”

“Freddie, I’m doing you a favour here. You asked me to pick you up, and that’s what I’m doing.”

“It wouldn’t kill you, y’know.” Freddie bit his lip. “To let go for just one night. For a chick who hangs out with so many musicians, you really are a goody two shoes.”

I glared at him. I knew this all too well. Although my best friends were in a band who made the kind of music that mothers clucked over and disapproved of, I was in no way hardcore, but the thing was – neither were they. Eugene would sass his teachers and Theo swore like a dockworker, but really, they were both what my parents liked to call ‘good kids’.

I sighed and said, “Dude, there’s a bus leaving in ten minutes and I’d really like to be on it. If you wanna stay I’ll give you the money.”

“I’m going to guess that Audrey called Tahlia after I saw her,” Freddie said, as if I hadn’t spoken. “Audrey wouldn’t have wanted to go anywhere, so Tahlia would have gone to be with her. Theo would have gone too because he wants to get in Tahlia’s pants, which means you and Eugene would have been left behind.”

I missed whatever point he was building up to. Our group dynamics were predictable enough – even if I wasn’t completely convinced by Freddie’s explanation for Theo’s actions – that it was no leap of faith for Freddie to have worked out what had happened after he dumped Audrey. “What are you getting at?”

“So why isn’t Eugene here with you?” A genuine smile crossed Freddie’s face, growing slowly. He still looked sly, and I still wanted to slap him, but any meanness had vanished. A quiet voice in my head told me that this was the Freddie that Audrey had fallen for, the Freddie that first joined Pugnacious Dogma, but I ignored it.

“Cos he’s a wimp.” I scowled. The repetitiveness of the music was starting to give me headache, and there was a grating, high-pitched wail that was layered in there somewhere in the mix of electronic sound that was buzzing unpleasantly in my ear. Definitely not my kind of music.

“So don’t you wanna prove you’ve got more balls than him?” Freddie asked. I raised an eyebrow, but he continued, “Go on, live a little. No one here knows you, and I won’t blab.”

Maybe the terrible music was impairing my better judgement, because I said, “What would ‘living a little’ look like?”

Freddie shrugged. “Dunno, that’s probably up to you. Hook up with someone. That’s what people do at parties.”

He looked dubious even as he said it. I spluttered, “I don’t!”

His amusement at my response was evident in his tone as he remarked, “Sure you could. Who takes your fancy?”

“I can’t just walk up to some random guy and kiss him!” I exclaimed.

“Sure you could,” he repeated, clearly enjoying my discomfort. “It’s no big deal, you start a conversation with someone, you flirt, and then you go for it. Kiss ‘em.”

“Easy as that?” I rolled my eyes.

“Easier.” Freddie narrowed his eyes, daring me. For a heartbeat, I almost took the bait.

“I’m not doing that, Freddie.” I sighed. Part of me wondered if I actually could do it. Kiss someone I’d just met. My rational side, which was usually most of me, rallied against the idea, but whatever part of my spirit which had fired up tonight wouldn’t let the thought die quite so easily. Even still, I knew the rational side would win in the end. “I think you know me well enough to know that I have no interest in making out with someone I don’t know.” Or do I?

“Seriously, Liv, at a party like this, it’s practically an expectation that you’ll end up hooking up with a stranger.”

I frown, and seize the opportunity to change the subject. “You go to parties like this a lot, then?”

“Sometimes, yeah.”

“All right.” I spotted a cluster of girls standing in the corner of the room, and turn Freddie so he was facing them. “If you’re so used to how these parties work, there’ll be no problem, right? Go ahead.”

“Well, I can’t just…” Freddie blanched, which was an achievement, considering how pale he was naturally. “I mean, there’s a certain art to it.”

“Is there now?”

“Maybe I just don’t feel like kissing someone just to prove a point to you.” Freddie snapped, his teasing demeanour vanishing.

“Fine. Does this mean we can go?” I asked.

As the words left my lips, the music suddenly stopped. The silence was a sudden contrast to the enveloping sound that the difference sent my head reeling. Freddie’s head jolted up, and he looked around.

“No way, Liv,” he said. “You’re going to want to stay for this.”


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Mon Nov 02, 2015 1:37 am
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Carlito wrote a review...



Hello! I have fewer notes on this section :)

the decidedly shifty part, all things considered, now that I’d properly examined Freddie’s message –without so much as a doubt


he was a total wuss when it came to anything that could have consequences

But I thought he was a bit of a bad boy until this big change she just noticed with the being in the band, not doing well in school thing.

As the brick and weatherboard houses of my neighbourhood flashed by outside

New paragraph here. You’re switching focus from her thoughts about what she’s doing and Eugene, to her surroundings and her thoughts about the band.

I didn’t particularly want to enter the party

I would do a new paragraph here to separate her dialogue from her inner monologue.

taking a sip of the drink that had been given to me as I walked

I was a little surprised that she took a drink. I thought it was fairly common knowledge that it’s a bad idea to accept drinks from strangers, and she has to know it’s alcohol. It’s a party :p And after her little inner monologue about how she doesn’t like alcohol, I’m surprised she tried it.

Prudently, I decided not to drink any more of it,


Part of me wondered if I actually could do it. Kiss someone I’d just met.

I would combine these two sentences, and I’d do a new paragraph here because you’re going from her dialogue to her inner monologue.

“I think you know me well enough to know that I have no interest in making out with someone I don’t know.” Or do I?

I’d do separate paragraphs for each of these lines to separate the dialogue and then give that last thought a punch and make it stand out.

I enjoyed this chapter. You did a really nice job of pulling the reader in with your descriptions. It wasn’t overboard, but it was just enough to set the scene and allow me to really visualize exactly what was going on. There was great imagery and language here. Great tone and voice, and great dialogue! The characters really jumped off of the page and I thought there was a lot of nice personality development. :)

See you in the next part!




TriSARAHtops says...


Thank you!



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Wed Jan 28, 2015 9:17 am
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Demeter wrote a review...



Hey again, Sarah!

Oooh, I just remembered something about part 1 that I wanted to say. So like I said, I read the unedited version, and when I checked some of the reviews, I saw you say that you had actually taken out the preface thing in italics, which I thought was a bit of a shame, because I really liked it as a mood-setter! I thought it was really hook-y. But I totally respect your decision!

Okay so now onto part 3! This is as far as I’ve read so far, and I’m looking forward to finding out more.

This is probably my favourite part so far. In all the previous ones, I really didn’t like Freddie - he seemed like an annoying whiny drama queen kid - but the reason why this is my favourite is none other than Freddie. xD I can’t help it, I’m a sucker for characters like him who dare and annoy others and probably look pretty hot while doing that - okay, I have no idea what Freddie looks like but I bet he’s good-looking >.>

ANYWAY. He seems really interesting. Even more so than Eugene so far, but maybe that’s because Eugene is lovely and Freddie is kind of horrible.

I liked the subtle way you made the area sound suspicious and have a worse reputation than the other areas in town. However, I thought it didn’t make much sense that Liv could smell the alcohol, especially from the driveway. I mean, I’ve never been in a huge infamous party like that and I’ve never drunk a lot, but I have had alcoholic drinks and I wouldn’t say they particularly smelled that strongly? The only way I could understand that is that if someone poured gallons after gallons of pure alcohol all over the house and it would get soaked in clothes and carpets and stuff. But I doubt that’s what happened here.

I like how the thought of Eugene gave Liv the courage to go to the party, like “See, Eugene? I’m totally doing this, nurrr”.

I know I already raved about Freddie, but I love the way he first appears in this scene. It captures my idea of him perfectly. I could almost be persuaded to ship Liv and Freddie instead, but I don’t want to do that to Eugene…

And I can so relate to Liv, Freddie telling her to “live a little” and such. I’ve heard it quite a lot especially during my teens, and it never got less annoying. xD I think that Liv’s reaction to Freddie’s dare to kiss someone was slightly too prudish, though. Like, I’d expect her to be more like “Yeah, right. Let’s go” rather than “I can’t just walk up to someone and kiss them!” Of course, that depends on the tone of voice she said that with, which I thought wasn’t clear.

Towards the end, there’s a bit where you slip into present tense for a bit, so just look out for those.

I love how Freddie is like “Well I don’t feel like it now” when Liv tells him to show an example. Classic. :P

Also, cliffhanger!! You can believe how hard it was for me to put the story down and sleep last night. Can’t wait to read more after class today!


Demeter
x




TriSARAHtops says...


Thank you again! I was a little sad to see the italicised bit go, but the story's changed so much since I started writing that it didn't work any more. :( I guess we'll see what happens in the rewrites. *shrugs* Freddie was probably my fave character to write just because he's such a tool. I only with he'd gotten a little more screen time.
Thanks again!



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Sun Jan 25, 2015 7:15 pm
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StellaThomas wrote a review...



Hey Sarah! I just couldn't keep away!

So I really like Liv. Like, I really like Liv. And what I love about this chapter is that we begin to see so much more of her character. Albeit, that is because Freddie is picking at her, but I think the interaction is so clever, because not only does his goading move the story along, but it also gives us this fantastic insight into what people think of her. I think I like her because she reminds me a lot of teenage Stella, even though I never hung out with a band or anything. But that's good, because that means that she's probably relatable to a lot of people - while still retaining her distinct personality. You've got it down. Good job.

A couple of nitpicks:

Aside from rapid beating of my heart and the slight adrenaline-fuelled tremble of my hands when I slid my phone out of my pocket, I felt pretty in-control.


From a purely physiological standpoint - the rapid heartbeat is ALSO adrenaline-fuelled, so that didn't make sense to me.

dobbing me into Tahlia


Phrases like this always cause me to second-guess myself, but I do think it should be "in to"

Tahlia had barely taken a sip before she had begun giggling at everything from Theo’s struggle to get the wine to pour from the cask to the whispered conversation between Audrey and Freddie. It had been one of the less enjoyable Fridays we’d spent together – alcohol made me restless enough as it was, Audrey and Freddie had spent half the night making out on my carpet, Tahlia became hysterical after a glass and all Theo seemed capable of doing was mucking up the lyrics to his own band’s songs. Eugene had been the only one who had been remotely enjoyable to be around that night.


I love this paragraph xD But the splitting up of Tahlia's part bugs me. I think you need to rearrange.

Overall, I'm still loving this story! One thing - regarding Eugene: I realise he is not Liv's favourite person right now, but he is also going through kind of a rough stage. And I think that it's unfair of Liv to give out stink about him the way she is without at least considering that maybe he's having a bad day and he deserves a little slack. It's just a thought.

Other than that, I am excited for the next part! I hope Hayden Beaufort is at this party ;)

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x




TriSARAHtops says...


Thank you! :) Appreciate the feedback!



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Tue Jan 20, 2015 11:24 pm
LittleFox wrote a review...



Ooh I really liked the cliff hanger you left this one on. It really keeps getting better and keeps making me want to read on. You have a great talent for writing that I am becoming a little jealous of, haha.
Again, I'm at a loss for anything negative to point out. Everything is wonderful!

I'm eager to see what will happen next :D
-LittleFox




TriSARAHtops says...


Thanks for the review!



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Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there! Noelle back again for another Review Day review!

One thing I've noticed as I've been reading is that you use italics for a significant amount of words. Sometimes it works well, but other times it just seems like you use italics for no reason. Wow, that sounded rude. What I really meant was that there doesn't have to be italics. There is always a way to get your point across without the italics. Italics are always good to emphasize things, but there are always other words you can use to emphasize certain feelings and events. Just watch out for that in future chapters.

So there's a lot of texting going on here in your story so I figured I'd mention something about that. It's always important to distinguish between regular dialogue and storytelling, and the texting. To do that, I'd suggest starting a new paragraph for each of the texts. That'll just be a way to make sure that the readers know what is a text and what isn't. Especially since your characters have thoughts you're sharing with us as well. Thoughts are in italics as well so that could get a bit confusing if the texting isn't set apart.

Alright, I've developed a large amount of hate for Freddie. He's such an annoying little prick xD When he called Liv, he seemed to be genuinely asking her to help him get home. But once she gets there, he tries to pull her into the party lifestyle. Now I can't figure out if he truly needs a ride home or if he just wanted to get her out and partying.

This whole chapter seems to be foreshadowing for events to come. Since there's only eight chapters in this novel, I feel as if something has to happen soon; Liv has to kiss Hayden soon, right? So this whole scene where Freddie is trying to get her to hook up and/or kiss someone seems foreshadowing for her to end up kissing Hayden.

Looking forward to reading more!

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




TriSARAHtops says...


Thank you!
I was kind of treating the texting kinda like dialogue, but I think I might see how other authors have treated it in their books.



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Tue Jul 15, 2014 4:29 am
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artemis15sc wrote a review...



Hey, I finally made it around to a review. Like always, I loved the build-up in this chapter. You have mastered the art of creating tension in a way i envy. And Oh my gosh, how could you end it there? However, I feel like there's a couple places here where you could flesh the scene out a little bit, specifically with Imagery.

It kind of stung that he hadn’t chased after me. I’d known Eugene for long enough that it was hardly a revelation that he was a total wuss when it came to anything that could have consequences, but I did hope that I might prove to be some kind of exception to that rule. As the brick and weatherboard houses of my neighborhood flashed by outside, I tried to quell the strong desire to go back to yesterday, when Pugnacious Dogma had been whole, Freddie and Audrey were still together and Eugene had been insolent but carefree. Yesterday was normal, and so, so far away from this bus.


Show don't tell moment! I think if you were to get more in depth with Liv's fantasies of yesterday, we could see that she wanted to go back rather than you telling us she had that strong desire. Let us relive that moment yesterday with her and we could get a great insight into your character as well as enjoying a tasty bit of writing.



Place #2 : The Bus

I wanted a little more description of what happened on the bus? Who else was there? Who did she sit next to? Was there's that creepy guy that keeps staring at you? A crying baby? Someone who laughs to loud or is talking really loudly on their cell phone. Bus scene's have a great potential to be interesting and make your character seam more like a human living on planet earth, as long as you stay away from the cliche.

Place # 3: The Party
In the very beginning, she says the party looks sketchy. You tell us she smells alcohol, but what does she see and hear that makes her come to that conclusion. And i would consider mentioning her analysis of the party after her description of it.

And that's all i got for ya, hopefully next time I'll have a bit more to say. :)




TriSARAHtops says...


Sorry I'm a bit late, but thank you! And you're spot on on the point about the bus. I was really struggling to get through that part of the chapter, so I kind of powered through it as quickly as I could. There are a few other points that I want to add some more detail to as well. Thanks again, I really appreciate that you've kept reviewing this, and hopefully I'll be able to continue reviewing yours soon. :-)



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BluesClues wrote a review...



Definite creepy vibes off Freddie. I'm curious to see what he thinks Liv will "want to stay" for, but also I'm slightly afraid...

Okay, so I just went through and read all three well, sort of four parts. Really good so far, but I have a couple notes for you:

1. Exactly how bad are Eugene's grades? I can see a person getting expelled if they're literally failing all of their classes (plus the talking-back-to-teachers thing), but not if their grades are just poor/below average. We don't need to know exactly how bad his grades are, in the story, but perhaps just a mention of how he's flunking out of everything (except math) would help make this seem a little less...extreme?

Plus--well, okay, it's obvious from "maths" and "tosser" and all of it that this takes place in Britain, so I don't know how the school system works there. But in America, at least, you'd be held back a year before getting expelled, so I'm just really concerned about the fact that poor Eugene is getting expelled for poor academic performance.

2. So Freddie is the same age as the rest of them? In that first part, I got the idea that he was older--maybe just because when they were talking about him and the gigs he wants them to play, someone (Theo, maybe?) is like, "Well, he does realize we're underage and can't get those gigs, right?" So I got the impression that he's a bit older and keeps forgetting that the rest of them are underage...but then on the phone he mentions his parents.

Now, leaving the house without permission to go pick up a friend (well, sort of a friend, who is now giving off massive creepy vibes) seems...not exactly rebellious to me, or anything like that. Or like "sneaking" out. I mean, obviously Liv's parents wouldn't be too happy that she's off to a dodgy section of town, but from the whole Friday-nights-at-her-place thing, it seems like they're reasonably chill, so I'd imagine they'd be alright if she explained that she'd gone to help out a friend.

I mean, in my case (also being very much the kind of goody two-shoes who never did rebellious things or snuck out or any of that), I probably would've just told my friend, "Hang on," then called my parents and said, "So here's what's up, and I'd like to go help this person," and then my parents would've been like, "Cool, be safe and take a friend with you because that part of town really sucks," and then things would've been fine.

But maybe I'm misreading and her parents are actually not quite that chill, or maybe she just doesn't bother calling them because they really need Freddie to play this upcoming gig. Anyway, that, like Eugene's impending expulsion, just kind of got me because it seemed like, you know, she has a good REASON for sneaking out--not like she's just doing it to rebel or cause trouble or see a boy she's forbidden from seeing or any of that.

I mean, I obviously don't mind that she left the house. I just thought it was kind of odd that she was all nervous and "omg I'm sneaking out" when, to my mind, she really isn't.

(Or maybe I have a mixed-up sense of what rebellion actually means and someone needs to set me straight because that really is rebelling.)

Anyway, could you please let me know when you post more? I don't know if I'll have more reviews for you, but I'm really enjoying it so far and I want to know when there are new parts up.

Blue

P.S. Did you name him Eugene and give Freddie a smoulder due to Tangled? Because that is definitely what I thought of once I got to the smoulder part.




TriSARAHtops says...


Thanks for the review! :-) You've definitely given me some food for thought there, and is very much appreciated.
The smoulder is kind of a happy accident. Eugene's character wasn't named after 'Tangled' Eugene, but when I first wrote the scene then read through it, the link kind of occurred to me. Do you reckon it feels clumsy?
Funny that you thought it was British, because even though I didn't have a super specific of where it's set, in my mind it's very much Australian (we say 'maths' as well, and 'tosser' is used here too, although there are a few more 'Australian' insults I could think of, they seemed a bit harsher than what I was looking for.
As for the expulsion thing, there is a little more to it than Eugene's letting on, but I do remember hearing stories of people being expelled for things like uniform, so while its maybe a little unlikely, it's not totally impossible.
Would you mind telling me how creepy you found Freddie? Because he's meant to be a jerk, but not menacing.
Thanks again.



BluesClues says...


Oh, Australian! I didn't even think of that. Still, not American, so I didn't want to presume to know how the school system works, you know?

I do not think the Tangled thing is clumsy, but maybe I'm biased because I really love Tangled. :) I really need to get that movie, one of these days.

Freddie coming across as creepy: well, first of all, the fact that he's all, "Booohoooo, I need help because my parents will kill me if they find out I'm at this party and I don't even money to get home," but then when Live gets there he's all, "Take off your coat and stay awhile," which--I mean, I'm sure he didn't lure her out there for this reason, but it kind of comes across as he tried to get her out to a party she's at, without any of their other friends, and get her drunk, and...it's like he's creepily hitting on her, kind of. And he's making a big deal out of the fact that she's there without Eugene, and he tells her that she needs to hook up with someone...basically, once she shows up at the party, everything about him comes across as creepy except the part where he blushes when she tells HIM too just go kiss someone and show her how it's done.

Does that make sense?



BluesClues says...


It may be kind of cheating since I already read the first three chapters and reviewed this one, but now I must add this:

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Tue Jul 08, 2014 10:57 am
EmeraldEyes wrote a review...



Hi.
I think I remember reading a previous part of this. How do I know? Because I remember the character names! That is definitely a good sign that your story is stuck in my mind.
The reading in general is very catchy:

“So why isn’t Eugene here with you?” A genuine smile crossed Freddie’s face, growing slowly. He still looked sly, and I still wanted to slap him, but any meanness had vanished. A quiet voice in my head told me that this was the Freddie that Audrey had fallen for, the Freddie that first joined Pugnacious Dogma, but I ignored it.


Taking that quote as an example it is very easy to read and has the perfect tone for teenage fiction. :) Well done.

There are some places where I feel like you could make it sound a little less typical
Freddie shrugged. “Dunno, that’s probably up to you. Hook up with someone. That’s what people do at parties.”

He looked dubious even as he said it. I spluttered, “I don’t!”

Cut down on the exclamation marks and that drama etc.
Otherwise, the cliches fit what you're talking about.

Keep writing.




TriSARAHtops says...


Thanks for the review! :-)




Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.
— Brené Brown