Young Writers Society

Hola

This was very clever and good for your first piece...I mean, I assume you've written before this, but you're first piece on this website - like for others to view, ya know?

okay. This poem was heart touching and heart breaking and heart warming and heart colding and heart confusion and all of the above times 3. I got a bit confused at a line or two, so I may suggest to add a few more details?

-Try not to start line after line with I, it starts to look choppy
-Never use the letter 'u' instead of the word 'you' ... this is a story you're telling, not a text message to your friend
-Remember to capitalize words at beginning of sentences and only use an uppercase letter in words in the middle of sentence if the word is a name or a month(ex: Charlie or Los Angeles or March)
-Maybe use some more punctuation

I feel like some of the stanzas were too...realistic - too real. Like it would happen to everyone. Be unique in you're writing.

To finish, you did good in the piece and I enjoyed reading it

Hi.

So this is your first work.... and it is a very good start! XD

Hee hee

What Went Well

1. The repetition and variation in the language was interesting
2. Variety between long and short lines made the work fast and enjoyable to read, good pacing
3. The capitalisation was a good idea, makes your points stand out

Even Better If

1. I feel some of the points about love made here are a bit cliche

If u had listened we would still have each other

I completely agree with #Donisback .
Though I found your poem quite hearttouching and simple to the core.Its beautiful in all its simplicity.

Hello Donnaknowstheword, I am here for a review. Welcome to YWS and congrats for your first writing.

Frankly speaking, as you mentioned it is fictional, I find it nice, simple and easy to understand. However there are some points where, maybe, you are wrong or I didn't understand.

First of all, when writing a poem, try not to use contraction (I myself was suggested it a while ago). Using those makes your poem informal; you don't want to sound informal, do you?


Secondly, here:
"This friendship GONE

Partnership GONE"
Don't you think writing "this friendship is gone, partnership is no more" Don't repeat words in your poems (it is not much liked by professionals).

And also, this:
"I tried to prevent it

It tried to protect you."
Again, firstly you said "it" and then "you". Well this doesn't ring a bell to me. I felt blur reading it and trying to understand what is really going on.

Apart from that, there are some bits and bobs, I leave on to some other professional to point out and correct accordingly.

For now, I would say it was a nice poem but lacked rhymes; and there was a very little use of punctuation too.

Anyway keep writing and submitting here. Hope to see more of your work soon.