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Poem #1 this love will Tear us apart

by Donnaknowstheword

This love will tear us apart.

This love will tear us apart.

didn't I warn you

Didnt I try and steer u away

Didn't i push you as much as possible

Is it just me

Is it just me

I tried to guide you

I tried to show you

You didn't listen no you wouldn't listen

You should have listened

If u had listened we would still have each other

This love will tear us apart

Haven't I told you

I tried to scold you

But you were so persistent yes very persistent

You would- no you should still be here

If you would have just listened oh if you would have just listened.

There were so many better then me yet you chose me.

I told you

I warned you

I scolded you

I pushed you

I avoided you

But you wouldn't listen I told you this love would tear us apart.

This friendship GONE

Partnership GONE


but were are you...

You yourself is GONE. There is no more because this love Has torn us apart.

I tried to prevent it

I tried to protect you.

There is nothing left for to do or say, so here I am rambling on and on. Waiting to be buried with this note and all of the pain it has written within each word... 

*disclaimer: this is fictional and I hope you enjoyed

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28 Reviews

Points: 93
Reviews: 28

Tue Jul 08, 2014 10:18 pm
hollyhuez wrote a review...

Hola :)

This was very clever and good for your first piece...I mean, I assume you've written before this, but you're first piece on this website - like for others to view, ya know?

okay. This poem was heart touching and heart breaking and heart warming and heart colding and heart confusion and all of the above times 3. I got a bit confused at a line or two, so I may suggest to add a few more details?

-Try not to start line after line with I, it starts to look choppy
-Never use the letter 'u' instead of the word 'you' ... this is a story you're telling, not a text message to your friend
-Remember to capitalize words at beginning of sentences and only use an uppercase letter in words in the middle of sentence if the word is a name or a month(ex: Charlie or Los Angeles or March)
-Maybe use some more punctuation

I feel like some of the stanzas were too...realistic - too real. Like it would happen to everyone. Be unique in you're writing.

To finish, you did good in the piece and I enjoyed reading it :)

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Thank you so much for your input for it is ver helpful and I will work on my writing I am so glad that you enjoyed it.

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200 Reviews

Points: 240
Reviews: 200

Tue Jul 08, 2014 8:59 am
EmeraldEyes wrote a review...


So this is your first work.... and it is a very good start! XD

Hee hee

What Went Well

1. The repetition and variation in the language was interesting
2. Variety between long and short lines made the work fast and enjoyable to read, good pacing
3. The capitalisation was a good idea, makes your points stand out

Even Better If

1. I feel some of the points about love made here are a bit cliche

If u had listened we would still have each other
, maybe change some of these?
2. There was punctuation, just helps with the reading experience.
3. You split the poem into stanzas and separate your ideas.

Like I said, a good start.
Keep writing. :)

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Thank you so very much what you have said is very helpful and I apologize if it was a bit cliche, but I am happy to here you enjoyed it.

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9 Reviews

Points: 316
Reviews: 9

Tue Jul 08, 2014 7:57 am

I completely agree with #Donisback .:-)
Though I found your poem quite hearttouching and simple to the core.Its beautiful in all its simplicity.:-)

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Aww thank you, I appreciate your comment it gave me a little smile and I'm glad you enjoyed it.

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173 Reviews

Points: 9984
Reviews: 173

Tue Jul 08, 2014 3:31 am
donizback wrote a review...

Hello Donnaknowstheword, I am here for a review. Welcome to YWS and congrats for your first writing.

Frankly speaking, as you mentioned it is fictional, I find it nice, simple and easy to understand. However there are some points where, maybe, you are wrong or I didn't understand.

First of all, when writing a poem, try not to use contraction (I myself was suggested it a while ago). Using those makes your poem informal; you don't want to sound informal, do you?

Secondly, here:
"This friendship GONE

Partnership GONE"
Don't you think writing "this friendship is gone, partnership is no more" Don't repeat words in your poems (it is not much liked by professionals).

And also, this:
"I tried to prevent it

It tried to protect you."
Again, firstly you said "it" and then "you". Well this doesn't ring a bell to me. I felt blur reading it and trying to understand what is really going on.

Apart from that, there are some bits and bobs, I leave on to some other professional to point out and correct accordingly.

For now, I would say it was a nice poem but lacked rhymes; and there was a very little use of punctuation too.

Anyway keep writing and submitting here. Hope to see more of your work soon.

I completely agree with #Donisback .:-)
Though I found your poem quite hearttouching and simple to the core.Its beautiful in all its simplicity.:-)

donizback says...

"your poem"? Whose poem? haha you confused me.

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To be totally honest it I consider it a poem when really it is just a blur from my mind, I assumed it could take on the form of a poem. I am sorry for any confusion you may have gotten from my work and I will try to make it better. I don't want readers to get confused as you did. Thank you so much for your input for it will help me.

“All stories are true," Skarpi said. "But this one really happened, if that's what you mean.”
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind