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Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Searching for Security 4.3

by Aley


Chapter 4, Part 2

Waking up was harder than falling asleep. Panic shot through Natsumi like someone had lit her hair on fire. She was on her feet before she was awake and looking for Jackson. In seconds, she found his empty bed-spot.

Her gut wretched. She felt as if she was swallowing a rock and jogged through the depressed bushes, her head twisting about to search. She ran up the hill the exercise settling her stomach until she felt her feet grab, and her head continue forward. Natsumi caught herself hard as her toes screamed in anger at the assault from tripping. She pulled her foot free of the obstacle and promptly brought it down on another painful experience. Pain shot through the sole of her foot as something poked into it.

She moved her foot, squeaking and pushed off with the other one careful to watch her feet, and the path. Jackson was over the hill heading towards the next one at his odd North West angle. She sighed in relief as she spotted his dark figure in an overgrown clearing. She hurried forward, now, to catch up with him instead of to find him. The only reason she seemed to be able to see him was because his hair flashed with a little more gray than the day before. Maybe even the gifted changed for the season into a winter coat?

Her heart calmed down as she trailed the figure in her sights, dwelling on the thought. Dew chilled her legs again. Her hair was damp with perspiration. She could feel her foot throbbing with a heat unfamiliar to her, and she didn't bother trying to calm her breath. It would have been a useless venture anyway.

Natsumi pushed ahead, feeling the tension as she continued to follow the fox. She knew he did not want her near him. Her mind wrapped slowly around why. He didn't want to put up with her baggage, and she really was at this point, but he didn't seem that upset with having her around earlier! He was even shocked that she was such an open imp. If she'd met anyone else who could see her even though he was a gifted, they'd have loved an imp willing to travel with them, right? It only seemed fitting, them being from the imp's expanded magic warping their ancestors. Maybe he just wasn't willing because he wasn't a member of her land, or was it the river thing? She watched the dark figure glide elegantly around the thinning hill, and could only shake her head. She wanted to stay around him. She needed to keep watching him and learn how he moved so smoothly. Perhaps part of it was learning to avoid the sharp rocks.

As the sun warmed the cold breeze from high in the sky, Natsumi heard the sound of rushing water. She recognized it almost immediately, and paused on a thick flat rock she was using to travel down a steep hill.

Another river already? This one sounded more vicious with how loud it was.

Trees popped up and down the hill, but undergrowth was thin to none. She could almost see down the hill to the river, but the plentiful trees, and the pure distance of it, prevented her from seeing quite that far to see exactly what they were dealing with. She jumped down a few stones trailing back and forth across the flattest ones she could find following Jackson's path. He showed her which rocks were best, not oblivious to her, but unwilling all the same. He'd been scowling at her all day with glares shot over his shoulder.

When he reached the river, she felt her stomach roll. He jumped out onto a large rock that was soaked with water. He grabbed the top and pulled himself up as the waves splashed into him, but did not push him off. He balanced on the top, aiming for the next rock which was considerably lower. He jumped with as much confidence as if there was not a raging river below him.

If it had been a week ago, Natsumi would have followed without hesitation. As it was, her limbs still ached from catching herself in the rampant stream. She approached the river as he finished his leaps and prepared to make the first jump to a near vertical rock, wet with slimy green and slick with water. She took deep breath, and jumped.

Catching the stone was easy, but holding it was another matter altogether. She pressed her hands as tight as she could against the rock face, and desperately searched for a foothold close enough as her grip slipped along the smooth surface, barely catching on a nook. Relief was brief as she found one and pushed herself closer to the rock. She scratched her other foot around, searching for another and found that too. Her hand searched for the top, she had a little bit to go. Pushing herself to her toes, she barely grasped the top with one hand, then jumped a little to grab it with the other. Dangling, she felt a strong splash threaten her security, and quickly pulled herself up.

She curled over the top of the rock with her stomach, then, slowly, got her feet beneath her. It felt like she was back with the river at home, crashing around the bottom as a tumbled rock. She took a gasping breath to try to push the idea away. Here, she could breathe, she had to breathe! The wet imp watched the waves and pushed herself up as they lulled away. By the next crash, she jumped to the farther rock, cleared by the water trying to take out the rock she'd left. She didn't pause, but jumped again towards the next rock, one more closer to the shore.

Her foot landed on that rock, but it didn't catch. Slime squished between her toes, and her knee collided with the landing. She grabbed at the lip of the rock, her elbows and arms smacking into it as a wave washed over her. She clung desperately. Water washed over her hands, trying to pry them free as they clung to the crash side of the stone, then it dissipated.

Quickly now, she had to move!

Natsumi pushed herself up and lunged for the shore before she had her feet completely under her. She tumbled onto the prickly beach rolling away from the river. She collapsed on her back and gasped for breath. When did she stop breathing?

Energy buzzed through her. It rolled down her legs, into her toes, her throbbing foot. It caressed through her chest, into her arms. She took deep, long breaths, listening to the crashing of the waves.

Next time, she would learn to use a bridge. The humans had those, right? Maybe it would be better to be human for this type of thing.

Mind decided, she opened her tired eyes. Where had Jackson gone?

An anvil felt like it sat on her chest, her arms felt like trees grew on them. She shut her eyes again and felt darkness claim her.

No, she had to wake up and follow Jackson. He wouldn't wait.

Jackson was already too far away.

Natsumi fought for consciousness, trying to argue that it was only half the day, if that. The sun glared down at her, water sprayed into her face. It soaked into her clothes. Blood trickled from her feet, her arms, her legs.

She had to get up. There wasn't an option to sleep yet.

The tired imp pushed herself over towards the water, rolling with the hill, and came to all fours on her side. She looked up the stone path, there was little to give Jackson away. This side, like the other, was covered with rocks. Her eyes caught the wet trail, and followed it up the hill. Back up again?

A heavy sigh growled through her breath as she pushed herself up to her knees, and rolled back onto her feet. They complained about some pokey thing, but so did her arms, her legs, and her elbows. She was beginning to ignore that now, and pressed on. She had to find Jackson, and follow him. He would leave her behind.

Natsumi reached the top of the first hill, and paused. She took a surveillance of her situation. Here, the treetops leveled out. She could see through the trunks that the hills were less extreme. There were no more drastic ups and downs which were starting to make her nauseous, now it was more flat land, with smaller hills that sloped back and forth, and rolled around like hair in a breeze.

The undergrowth was limp at best. Natsumi's lungs filled quickly, disbelief caught in her throat. Her round face squished together as she scowled at the land. How an imp could live with such conditions was beyond her. Most of the lands were covered with needles from evergreens. In the few spots where her favorite deciduous trees did dare roam, she could feel their weakness. It seeped through her sea of senses and prickled at her skin like a numb tingling pain.

The stupid evergreens always had their attitude.

Natsumi's shoulders hunched as she marched up the gradual hill towards the fox she could see in the distance. He was a mere speck, but a visible one with the lack of undergrowth. She folded her arms over her chest and pushed on. Her feet caught prickly needles stabbing into the soles of her heels. The scent of pine washed over her like a bucket of steamy water in the winter. It hurt.

The pain was less physical than the achy deciduous trees though. It was a sting of her nose, like smelling spice from the humans. It settled into her attitude as a subconscious twang of displeasure. Even with her favorite tree at home being an evergreen, she couldn't always take how antisocial the could be.

The fox was closer now. He stood mere yards away, and ignored her in favor of crouching behind a tree.

Natsumi approached recklessly, pushing her way through the needles, crunching through them like an elephant on parade.

Jackson shot forward chasing after a flash of light brown and white which bounced across the lands, then vanished beneath a fallen tree. He dug after it with his human hands, trying to reach through the hole.

Failure circled his mood.

Jackson came up empty handed and turned on Natsumi with a glare. "Can't you do anything right? Get out of here! You have better things to do than trying to keep up with me!"

With that Jackson turned east and stomped off.

Natsumi's eyes widened as she stared after his retreating back. Her jaw flapped open and shut with a snap as she realized she was gawking. Where did that come from?

Her eyes focused on the hole and she could only frown. Was he hunting?

Why would he hunt?

What better thing did she have to do?

Her stomach dug against her back like a human shovel dug at ground. It was a while since she was home. She glanced about and went towards a small patch of sun that twinkled across the needles. Rocks protruded from the ground and poked at the sky like beacons of hope would grace them. Instead, they ended up moss-covered and dirty.

Natsumi settled on top of one and shut her eyes trying to enjoy the sun. She folded up her legs and took slow deep breaths. Suck in the chilled air and let it out. The air bit at her lungs, cold numbness replaced the ache of the land and the trees. Stillness captured her mind.

Feel the sun softly sing across her skin. Breathing in.

The sun licked lost traces of the torrential rains away. Breathing out.

The cold rock beneath her was chilled. The moss was soft.

Twittering birds twinkled through her ears. Scurrying scratched across the sickly floor. Shuffles shifted through the leaves, wind blowing. It chilled her skin.

Hunger etched itself into her mind, and left again, dismissed. The sun would fill her.

Stillness.

Natsumi first recognized the pain in her legs. It crawled up towards her chest, then down her arms. She couldn't quite define the pain, just a bone grinding ache that refused to leave. Her eyes tried to stay closed, a relief for a little while. The sun was no help and moving was an effort, but she had to do it.

Jackson continued to move as he hunted. He would build a fire at night and cook anything he found just out of habit, but Natsumi only felt sick the more days that passed. She couldn't imagine eating one of her constituents, but she knew that perhaps she should consider it. The hunger wasn't appeased by sunlight, it dug deeper than that and demanded something more physical, as she had become.

She settled closer to her friend, trying to keep him in sight. She didn't mind the fire any longer. They'd left the hilly lands, mostly, and now camped behind a grove of trees between the spare bushes. It had been days since Jackson had last spoken to her, and the hills were just rolling bumps, but the fire was nice as it glittered off the gray stone. It was so cold at night as they headed north that she was thankful for something to stave off the cold. Each night she crept closer to it, testing his temper. Tonight she was in camp with him, curled up in a ball and staring at the glittering eyes across the way.

She worried about how she'd get through tomorrow. When he woke up, Jackson left her. He really did his best to ignore her, but it was hard for him too. She could tell from the way he tried to speak to her, then pushed his lips together, furrowed his brow, and turned sharply away.

Each time he licked his lips and cracked them to speak, she lifted her head. Her eyes would widen and she would lean forward, eager to hear him speak to her, but instead he refused each time. As he sucked in air and parted his lips tonight, she ignored his motion in favor of watching his eyes, her head leaning on her scraped up knees like a dead limb, heavy and immobile.

Jackson shook his head and turned it away, depriving her of staring at his glittery eyes. There was a new speckling of white in his hair again, she idly noticed. She sighed and buried her head against her knees. Her stomach tried to growl at her, but it was too empty to bother. She smelled the remains of food on the fire.

"Aren't you eating?" Jackson asked finally.

"I try," Natsumi responded quietly.

"How can you try to eat?"

"The sun is my food, so I try to stay in it to get energy. The plants also help."

Jackson scoffed, "That is ridiculous. You need real food. You're no better than a normal person now. You're nearly as pail as a ghost, and that wild hair of yours is finally almost tame. Now it's just that unnatural shade of red."

Natsumi looked up at him quizzically, and then down at herself. He was right. Her skin had dulled to a yellowish hue of sickness. She felt her nose twitch in and flare at the recognition. She could see her hair trailing down her chest. It too was a strange dull hue of red and brown. She dare say it reminded her of Thoth, but she knew better than that. Thoth was well and this color was not.

Natsumi turned herself away from Jackson as best she could and hid her skin. She pushed herself up enough to stumble over to the side of a tree, where she promptly curled up with her back to him. He'd leave in the morning and she needed strength to follow him, or she'd just be stumbling all day.

Her feet sighed and throbbed to finally be relieved from duty.


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Sun Jul 20, 2014 1:43 am
BluesClues wrote a review...



Question: Is Jackson traveling primarily in fox or human form? Because you frequently refer to him as "the fox," but is that use only as an alternative term for him or is he actually physically a fox at those times? I've been assuming he's traveling as a human, but it occurred to me that he could be traveling part of the time as a fox, too. I might just be lost, but if other people are wondering that too then you may want to clarify.

On that note, what exactly is Jackson? (Or did you tell us already and I've just forgotten.) Is he a shapeshifter? Or is the fact that he can switch between fox and human something to do with the fact that he is a gifted? You don't have to tell me right now, I'm just wondering if we'll get something of an explanation for that.

...and apparently I can't stop talking about Jackson, but a bit more here. He's kind of giving off oddly mixed signals. Like, okay. He's sort of annoyed by Natsumi's presence initially but also kind of amused, so he lets her come along even though he's kind of annoyed. So that's fine, but then when she tries to cross the river he just explodes at her foolishness. Which, yes, it was foolish, but she's childlike to begin with and it was a little mistake. On the other hand, it could've resulted in her death if the river had swept her away, which makes it seem like he got so angry because he was worried about her...but then, with the way he ignores her/keeps telling her to go away/generally acts kind of dickish to her as she tries to follow him afterward, I feel like he can't have gotten angry because he cares...

It's just something for you to think about, as you go on. It's okay for him to be so contradictory as long as there are reasons for it.

I like the way you show Natsumi becoming progressively more...almost more human, the farther she travels from her lands. The way she now needs actual food rather than sunlight and energy from the plants, for example. It's a nice detail that shows us more about imps and also gives Natsumi something to struggle through at a point in the story when otherwise all that's happening is a journey.

Blue

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Thu Jul 10, 2014 7:42 pm
r4p17 wrote a review...



Knight r4 here for another review Aley. I certainly hope this helps you. As you can tell I like this story, unlike EmeraldEyes. The only thing that is rather confusing is how you do your chapters. It seems as if you are writing the story out of order to me, or just doing flashbacks. It isn't necessarily in this chapter though I forgot to mention that when I reviewed 3.2.

Her gut wretched.
I think you meant to say wrenched instead of wretched.

An anvil felt like it sat on her chest, her arms felt like trees grew on them.
I think you need to reword this so it doesn't sound like the anvil is you MC.

They complained about some pokey thing, but so did her arms, her legs, and her elbows.
This is kind of confusing. [/i]Some pokey thing[/i] is rather vague.

with smaller hills that sloped back and forth, and rolled around like hair in a breeze.
First I don't think this is the best illustration and secondly you don't need a comma here.

I agree with Emerald that you could use a little less description in the subsequent paragraph and add some dialogue. The first sentence didn't really make much sense by the way

The fox was closer now. He stood mere yards away, and ignored her in favor of crouching behind a tree.
The first thing that I would like to mention is that you often to refer to your characters in a more distant manner or tone such as the fox or the imp. The second thing is that it seems that all of a sudden the fox just appeared right in front of Natsumi without much introduction. Finally you contradict yourself by saying that he was standing and then he was crouching.

Natsumi settled on top of one and shut her eyes trying to enjoy the sun.
If I were her, having covered several miles in a single day, I would go into the shade!

They'd left the hilly lands, mostly, and now camped behind a grove of trees between the spare bushes.
I am confused. Is there some sort of a gap here?

Overall I thought that this was rather long and laborious to read with a ton of detail and almost no dialogue. I feel like about all that happens is Natsumi trying to keep up with Jackson in a vast unending wilderness. I think you could have a little more excitement and definitely some more action. Happy writing!!! :D




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Tue Jul 08, 2014 11:04 am
EmeraldEyes wrote a review...



Hi.

I am going to be honest: I didn't like this work.
There are some things about it that were good, particularly the descriptive sections:

The undergrowth was limp at best. Natsumi's lungs filled quickly, disbelief caught in her throat. Her round face squished together as she scowled at the land. How an imp could live with such conditions was beyond her. Most of the lands were covered with needles from evergreens. In the few spots where her favorite deciduous trees did dare roam, she could feel their weakness. It seeped through her sea of senses and prickled at her skin like a numb tingling pain.


However: there was SO MUCH of it, that it started to become boring in places. If this was a piece of descriptive writing it would have been perfect. But it's not, it's a novel chapter. And because it is, I think there needs to be more dialogue. The narration was good, but the characters didn't really get a chance to express themselves, because the focus on them was so brief.
Like here:

"Aren't you eating?" Jackson asked finally.

"I try," Natsumi responded quietly.

"How can you try to eat?"

"The sun is my food, so I try to stay in it to get energy. The plants also help."


These are like THE ONLY lines of dialogue in the thing. Personally, I would change it to make the work more balanced. The reader needs characters to relate to, and the story needs people in it to make events happen.

Keep writing.





A person is a fool to become a writer. His only compensation is absolute freedom. He has no master except his own soul, and that, I am sure, is why he does it.
— Roald Dahl