Young Writers Society

Ashamed to say this is actually, really about chasing the sun. It's not symbolism..

Very bold and out there. I think it's a little unpredictable. But I like how you are very descriptive.

Question: Is this 4 separate poems?

I like how it takes place in the forest. Chasing the sun in the forest would hurt if you really did it. You would get scratched up by branches.

Just a thought.

Hello, darling! Here as requested, of course.

To begin, my main problem with this piece is the lack of flow. The images are nice, but they don't have the level of cohesion they would really need to tie everything together, and I think that could be fixed by paying attention to how the words themselves fit together -- in the first stanza alone, you repeat "day" once, and the first two lines of the second stanza aren't a full sentence, so a reader would be confused why it's punctuated as such when the pauses don't even make sense considering the next two lines.

Then my problems are all made worse by the third stanza. While the other three have nearly no structure at all, your third stanza has three rhymes -- which you have to look out for majorly if you don't intend them, and if you do intend them, you have to make them fit. Judging by the accuracy of these rhymes, you wanted them to be there, but they really don't fit into the rest of the poem. You go from the whimsy into "training your legs to ignore the pain", and the reader is kind of left out in the middle of nowhere going, "what?"

The last stanza is kind of a repetition of earlier ideas, which can definitely work as long as it has the necessary power behind the words in order to emphasize them being repeated. As it is, I can only see why the first line is repeated with little variation, and the rest seem to be purely useless when it comes down to it.

It's not bad, but it could definitely stand some scrutiny when it comes to the imagery and diction, and probably a round of editing. Keep writing!

Hey there, here's what I thought -

The second stanza is my favorite. Especially these lines -

The pitter-patter of your feet
is what lulls you awake.

Try to chase the daytime if you can.
Longing to bask in sunlight

Try to chase the daytime if you can,
longing to bask in sunlight

training your legs to ignore the pain,
so intense, as if it flows through your veins

training your legs to ignore the pain,
intense, it flows through your veins

Here to review!

Grammar/Wording:
I really liked the 2nd stanza and the idea of being "lulled awake" by running in your dreams or running figuratively to catch the sunlight. The second stanza also used some nice alliteration with "plains/ pitter-patter". <-Very nice

Actually I really liked the whole repetition of the poems first stanza and last stanza's first lines with slight but important changes.

I believe in the 1st stanza "Longing" should not begin a new sentence.

Other suggestions:
Throughout this poem you make use of sound devices with alliteration and a little rhyming in stanza 3, I don't think it'd be too difficult to give this poem a rhyme scheme and I think it'd mimic the repetitive idea of running and running to catch up with the sun to have a continuing rhyme scheme working through the piece. So it's something you should consider to take this poem to the next level although not essential.

Content/message:
I can feel speaker's desire to keep up with the sun and you really capture the speaker's emotion and feeling, but at the same time I'm not quite sure why the speaker needs to catch the sun so that is a little bit confusing. I get the feeling but I don't know the motivation. I wonder if maybe the sunlight is an allusion to being "heaven bound/seeking".

Interesting poem and subject that you offered a unique perspective to. Good luck in editing and future writing!

Hello!
I like this piece; I like how it flows all the way through, until the very end when the narrator admits the person's failure. The biggest point of confusion, however, comes in the second line, when you jump from a command to talking about what the 'you' person feels and since the you is understood, it confusing for a second whether you're talking about the narrator or the person the poem is about. What might clear up this confusion is if you had a comma at the end of the first line instead of a period.
I enjoyed that you wrote the poem in the secondary point of view. It gives it a certain quality about it, like it's a patronizing almost mother-like figure speaking to the reader, encouraging behavior he/she finds delightful but knows is fruitless and pointless.
I was also struck by how, through the body of the poem, you spend a great deal of time talking about this person striving so hard to remain in the light, but you never show them enjoying the light. They're too busy trying to earn an extra second or two that they're not enjoying the time they have now, so they're wasting the very thing they're trying to obtain. It's a really deep message that makes the reader wonder if they're making the same mistake in their own life.
I like the feel of the poem as I've mentioned, how patronizing the narrator seems. However, I wish that the 'you' character felt a bit more desperate. The desperation is diluted by the careless, light tone of the narrator.
A really lovely piece. I hope this review helped.
-tgirly