Young Writers Society

This is my first review so I apologize if it isn't my best.

First of all, I give you credit for going against a normality in poetry and having the second stanza be shorter than the rest. I have to give you props for that, especially because you made it work.

Second, I love the vivid word choice. I could clearly see what you were going for and it made it that much more enjoyable. The second verse was my favorite, as it gave a strong, clear image of wind and warriors.

Overall, really good job on the poem. I'm excited to see what else you come up with.

Hi Crunch! I'm here to review your poem.

Wording/Format:
I like the formal language that you use through the poem. You stay consistent and stick with the same tone throughout which I appreciate. This gives the poem a medieval and regal feeling.

Visually your lines are all very different lengths which looks a little messy. Also here are the syllables in each line 8,7,14,7,10-- 13,6,13--7,8,10,15,16. You might want to trim the ones that are over 10 a little or split them up in a more consistent way; this will happen the flow of your piece since I don't think the randomness really adds anything. Even if you had to have more lines in a stanza, I think the consistency of line length is more important.

As far as I can see your spelling is all correct and I have no complaint with your punctuation/capitalization choices, they are consistent and that's the main thing that I look at. The only thing I would change is to put a period at maybe the end of each stanza or at least at the end of stanza 2 because that looks like the end of a thought and sentence.
Also actually in this line

"Once the battle has been won,"

"Seeing through our shielding glass,"

Hello.

This poem has pretty imagery but I find there's a lack of togetherness to it, a lack of purpose that's leaving me without much to go on in terms of what the point of this poem even is. Purpose is the thread that ties mages together and builds them into something more, something that has a larger image instead of each line being a pretty scrap of fabric never made into a quilt.

First off, your opening lines set up the narrator watching this through something. A screen of some sort? A window? I can't tell if the narrator is close or far, removed from the situation by time, distance, or simply the glass and very much there. It's an interesting concept, but it would require expansion which you simply don't give.

The last line of that stanza sets this up a supernatural element, seeing as blood is not icy nor is it clear in pretty much all animals that come to mind, except maybe certain deep sea creatures. Considering you have implied a terrestrial battle in later stanzas, the only logical conclusion left is magic, which, again, is unexplained.

"The" in stanza 2 line one trips up flow for me. Past that, this whole stanza rests on a single word, ichor, for it to make sense, and as a result you leave me looking for more to the poem. I had to look up the word, and while suddenly the poem makes sense, you basically give us no other context clues that this is a battle among Geek gods. This seems even more at odds with "shielding glass", because for me that is so strongly clear and/or treated glass.

Also, "this nether realm". Once again you imply a narrator from somewhere watching, but it's just not coming together for me. I'm not familiar with Greek myth at all, and you've set up this intellectual barrier for anybody who isn't familiar. It's frustrating feeling like I have to know something for a poem to make sense.

First line, third stanza. The passive voice just stops all momentum short (you can add "by zombies" to the end, therefore it is passive), and disrupts the active flow of the present tense of the rest of the poem.

The rest of the third stanza puts this on earth, for me, considering that nature is usually considered a force in the world of man, which tends not to bleed into the realm of the gods. It ends the battle, sure, but it doesn't tie together the imagery of the glass, the nether realm, and makes the past supernatural elements irrelevant. Also, here is where your word choice ventures into purple territory (line four) because so many adjectives that hadn't shown up in such quantity previously.

I want to like this, but it feels unfinished. It's pretty, but it's part supernatural, part earthly battle, part narrative, and nothing's really complete. I have a feeling this is based on one mythological event that if I knew, this would make perfect sense. But I personally am of the belief such extra knowledge is a bonus to make the poem deeper, not an entry price. By making it the price of understanding the base of this poem, you leave readers with pretty words but nothing to satisfy the craving for what's behind the foggy glass.

Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey