nitpicks:
in the first paragraph, "door" is really repetetive.
crimson red blood,
crimson and red are the same thing.
The wall to my right is lathered in crimson red blood, behind the color I can see peeling wallpaper with flowered in the chain link fence style grid, the wall to my left has a door wallpaper on this side is almost completely gone except slivers still caught in the floorboard.
very long run-on sentence. it seems like two sentences that aren't separated by punctuation.
litter
*littering*
and finally, you switch tenses a lot. you'll catch it in editing.
i agree with a reviewer before me, you need to beef this up a lot. by my standards, what you have here is about a fifth of a chapter. i know you're writing this as you go (something i do frequently), but going back over it once or twice and adding/subtracting from parts you like or dislike improves a story dramatically. it seems like you typed this up in thirty minutes and hit post. that's harsh, but it's something you need to avoid if you're going to improve as a writer. jotting something down and immediately submitting (whether it's because you want reviews or you're just eager to write the next part) is a bad habit that i've had to get over myself.
so in short, keep your chapter on the burner longer, cause it's not done.
now on the actual content of the chapter, in the first chapter i was wary of cannibals, now it's looters. i'm kind of confused as to what's happened to put our unnamed protagonist into their current situation, but i'm sure you'll cover that in later chapters.
is the woman looter going to be an important character? because it seemed you went into at least some character development with her. if so, you should give her a name. maybe one of the other looters calls her it. or maybe you stylistically chose to avoid using names?
not much really happened in this chapter so there's not a lot to comment on. give me a holler when the next chapter is up.
Points: 269
Reviews: 42
Donate