Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Chapter 2. Unexpected Visitors
After making my way to the door in the dark, I slowly open the door, stepping back into the darkness a few steps. I leave the door open a crack to attract anyone who saw me open the door, and not to anyone who hasn't noticed yet. Nothing.
Wanting to survive, I emerge from the darkness with such a lethal quiet it’s almost as though I melted into being from the darkness. I look around the room and realize my initial guess that it was a meat store was right.The wall to my right is lathered in crimson red blood, behind the color I can see peeling wallpaper with flowered in the chain link fence style grid, the wall to my left has a door wallpaper on this side is almost completely gone except slivers still caught in the floorboard. In front of me are shelves that are almost empty with cardboard containers and plastic wrapping litter the ground near them.
30 ft down from the door I came from are 3 dark figures, blocking the source of light each of them carried, professionally checking and sweeping the other end of the building. I slowly move to behind one of the shelves near me and listen to the conversation.
The figure in the middle spoke in a voice that bellowed throughout the building. “All Clear. Gather as much as you can, remember the group needs food and medication, and Stay Frosty!”.
The other two figures guns immediately dropped, and started to look around for things to take. They proceeded to kneel in order to examine the boxes and plastic on the ground, and began another conversation, “I still can’t believe this is possible, doesn’t the government have protocols for this?”
The other cut him a glance that could almost murder by itself. In a female voice I heard, “No.”
The voice was stern, almost hoarse, but also sounded filled with a calm rage. “She has some dark secrets” I mutter to myself under my breath with a small grin on my face, I must’ve been imagining things but i could’ve sworn she looked at me for a second.
“I can’t believe the government wasn’t prepared, it’s like... the Government!”
At this the girl calmly replied, “You’re right, it’s the government, thats why they weren’t prepared. The only thing they are prepared for is their next paycheck.” I stifled a laugh at this remark, Immediately after doing this, the girl’s head whipped around in my general direction.
“What is it?” the bellowing voiced man asked.
“... Nothing, it was nothing.”
After hearing these conversations I knew these people weren’t military, they were looters.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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137,583 Literary Works • 672,048 Reviews
nitpicks:
in the first paragraph, "door" is really repetetive.
crimson and red are the same thing.
very long run-on sentence. it seems like two sentences that aren't separated by punctuation.
*littering*
and finally, you switch tenses a lot. you'll catch it in editing.
i agree with a reviewer before me, you need to beef this up a lot. by my standards, what you have here is about a fifth of a chapter. i know you're writing this as you go (something i do frequently), but going back over it once or twice and adding/subtracting from parts you like or dislike improves a story dramatically. it seems like you typed this up in thirty minutes and hit post. that's harsh, but it's something you need to avoid if you're going to improve as a writer. jotting something down and immediately submitting (whether it's because you want reviews or you're just eager to write the next part) is a bad habit that i've had to get over myself.
so in short, keep your chapter on the burner longer, cause it's not done.
now on the actual content of the chapter, in the first chapter i was wary of cannibals, now it's looters. i'm kind of confused as to what's happened to put our unnamed protagonist into their current situation, but i'm sure you'll cover that in later chapters.
is the woman looter going to be an important character? because it seemed you went into at least some character development with her. if so, you should give her a name. maybe one of the other looters calls her it. or maybe you stylistically chose to avoid using names?
not much really happened in this chapter so there's not a lot to comment on. give me a holler when the next chapter is up.
Hello.
I couldn't tell whether this was a short story or an excerpt from a novel?
You have an interesting theme: looters and war. It's a very suffocating work, for the character and the reader. Not only that, but the shortness of the work makes it seem more like a prison to the eye and the mind of the reader and mirrors the meaning you are trying to create here.
What inspired this work? XD
I think there is an hint of humour in this work also, which makes it more interesting to read. XD
^~^ I see what you did there! what inspired it, was that I put myself in a apocalyptic situation, and just went with it.
I'm putting these out in chapters, so you should read the first one too!
Hello, love! Aurora here for a quick review!
Alright. Straight to work.
I like this chapter a lot more than your last one. For one thing, it's not riddled with grammatical errors, and for another, your story is really developing.
A few things that could be changed to make this better
Feeling my desire to survive, I emerge from the darkness with such a lethal quiet it’s almost as though I melted into being from the darkness.
Well what else would you do with emotions?! Eat them? The feeling at the beginning of the sentence isn't needed and is redundant. Replace it with 'Wanting to survive, I...'
You should really consider extending this chapter. A lot. Because this isn't even a full page, and even though it's full of plot development, you should really consider adding some description. Describe the girl's voice. Her hair. Her clothes. See?
I look around the room, my initial guess was right, it was a meat store.
This just reads oddly. Maybe change it to:
I look around the room and realize my initial guess that it was a meat store was right.
Your pacing was fast. Not too fast, but again, I'd slow it down some with some character development and whatnot. Your style is fine, it fits this piece well.
Keep persisting, love.
Aurora
sorry if this seems mean or something, just felt like putting something into perspective.
what you can do with feelings:
feel
hate
love
ignore
drown in
be pursuaded
__ im sure there are others I just dont remember them off the top of my head
Yes, yes, but I was just being sarcastic. I meant to say that it's redundant to say that you are feeling an emotion.
Of course, that's really small, so if you think it's fine as is, it probably is. After all, this is your story.
Yes, yes, but I was just being sarcastic. I meant to say that it's redundant to say that you are feeling an emotion.
Of course, that's really small, so if you think it's fine as is, it probably is. After all, this is your story.
my story, but its for everybody to read. I like the suggestions from the reviews because I can make it better for you guys. ^~^
Hello.
Kanome here with a review for you.
As you may know, I read the first chapter, and it was pretty good.
This chapter is interesting also, so I would like to keep reading more after you make more chapter updates.
Nitpicks:
- The first sentence is basically a run-on, which is bad.
You have to make it to where it makes sense. Probably something like this:
After making my way to the door in the dark, I slowly open the door, stepping back into the darkness a few steps. I leave the door open a crack to attract anyone who saw me open the door, and not to anyone who hasn't noticed yet.
That's all I found in this piece that needed a little changing.
I am glad you took my advice about spacing out your paragraphs and dialogue.
Keep up the good work. I can't wait to read more of this story c:
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