z

Young Writers Society


12+

More Than A Dream

by RoxieRain


Some quick information: This was a dream and I tried to remember as accurately as possible, so I know it is rushed, quick paced and has awkward parts. But thank you so much for reading it and other than those things edit away. :-)

The final bell rings signaling the end of class. I slowly put my pencil and pens back into my pencil bag waiting for the people to rush out so I don’t get smushed in the stampede of students. When everyone is almost out I get up and leave, saying goodbye to my English teacher, Mr. Carson, on my way out. I still don’t understand why high school students act like 8 year olds at the end of the school day. I mean we still have two weeks until summer break.

And finals.

When I get to the hallway it is no better than when the students were trying to get out of class. I am making my way through the clouds of students when a strong, tan arm wraps around my shoulders I look up and I see it is my friend Liam. I take him by surprise though by laying my head on his shoulder.

“What’s wrong?” he asks, concern laced through his words.

“Nothing. I am just done. Emotionally, physically, mentally done. It seems everything is being piled on all at once.” I let out a heavy sigh. I just want comfort.

“Like what?”

“Well you know we have finals in the next two weeks, so I am stressing about those. I am also so sick of Chase saying he wants me back. He left me alone for that first whole week and I was happy and now it is like I am being dragged into it all over again. It has been two months and I don’t want him back. He says he will back off if I find someone else or things like that but I don’t believe him. I mean who on earth would want to date me? But whatever. I guess it is not that big of a deal. I am just tired and done.”

“I’m sorry Ave. But in order for him to leave you alone you need to tell him that that is not what you want.”

“I know it is just hard. I mean I guess I am just too scared to tell him, like he will hate me for not wanting to even try again or something. I just don’t want to deal with him anymore. But I know it is not that easy.”

“You will get through it, Aves don’t worry. You are strong.” As he says this he slowly comes to a stop, stepping in front so he is facing me. Students are rushing out and bumping past us. Why did he just stop me in the middle of the hallway? I am about to say something and pull him out of everyone’s way but Ace has a look on his face and it holds me where I am- not that I could get past anyone anyway.

“And you can assume no one likes you but, you would be wrong.” Them he puts his hands on my waist pulling me closer and leans in a little, I can only guess what is going to happen next so I close my eyes. Nothing happens… I open my eyes back and look up at him. He has a soft smile pulling at the corners of his lips. Then he leans down a little further and I close my eyes once more. I feel his lips touch mine as if they were a feather floating to you and at the last second the wind blows it away. Liam still has that smile playing with his lips when I re-open my eyes, then he goes to kiss me again. This kiss is different thought, this time he is not teasing me, and it is no feather light kiss. He pushes gently with his lips and I push back. And his hands go to my face; his thumbs tenderly stroking my cheeks. His tongue brushes across my bottom lip and it feels amazing. I didn’t know a kiss could feel like this. With Chase nothing felt like this. At all. Come to think of it kissing Chase felt more like kissing my brother… Major ew.

He pulls back, with almost a shocked look on his face, but I know how he feels. That kiss was… well I don’t even know.

“You’re cute when you look a little flustered.” Liam said albeit a little breathless.

I blush as I say an awkward ‘thanks’. I am not used to getting compliments, nor am I good at receiving them.

“Are you okay with this, Aven?” He seems nervous and maybe even vulnerable. This is not the Liam I know at all. He is usually so outgoing. But when he asked that question it broke a dam and so many thoughts flooded my mind.

“Yes, but I just broke up with Chase and I am glad we broke up but I don’t want you to think you are my rebound or whatever. I am not saying you would be a mistake but what if we are making the wrong choice. You know I don’t want to go through the dating thing if I know I am not going to spend my forever with that person. I’m sorry, I am complicating things. I don’t even understand why you would want to be with me. I am just damaged goods.” He all of the sudden puts his thumb over my lips, effectively silencing me.

“Aven Rain Tuttle I do not think you are damaged goods, nor do I want you to say that about yourself. Next, I will prove to you that you are worth dating. Go with your gut, Ave, if you think it is telling you to run to the hills to get away from me, although I will be hurt it is okay. I am not holding you to anything.” I kind of laughed at his point of running away from him. Somehow he always had a way of making me feel better.

“Okay…” I say a little hesitantly, then add, “I will let my gut tell me whether or not it is ok to run away from you… but I think the odds are ever in your favor.” He chuckles at my attempt at humor. Since we are still just standing in the hall he sets his hand on the small of my back and we start walking out to the parking lot to our cars.

When we get to my car Liam kisses me again and after I unlock it even opens my door for me. He actually opened my door! I cannot believe how gentlemanly he his. The whole two years Chase and I were dating he never opened any door for me.

“Aves, would you like to go on a date with me?” He is so sweet. I go up on my tippy toes and try to kiss him but due to the fact that I am only 5’0 and he is 6’0 , he has to lean down a bit for me. And then I reply,

“Of course.” I have thought about him being more than a friend before but I never thought it would happen, so I didn’t really dwell on it. Now though, it seems it is happening.

He smiles at me and kisses me one final time before he goes to his red Jeep and heads home. I am also really jealous of his car but moving on, I get into my little white Mazda and head home as well.

When I get in my car it is really hot, as usual. I roll my windows all the way down, blast my beautiful country and take my hair tie of my shifter to hold my hair so it doesn’t go in my face while I am driving. Just as I pull out of the school parking lot Beachin’ by Jake Owen comes on and it only adds to my now positive-thanks-to-Liam mood.


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223 Reviews


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Sun Jun 29, 2014 11:43 pm
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Kelpies wrote a review...



Hello RoxieRain!

I love this story! I had a dream very much like this once, but I never get the nerve to write about when I dream about the real world. Only time I have ever written about my dreams is when it came to my book Awe. I do have two quick nitpicks:

"you need to him" You need to tell him?
"Them he puts his hands" Then?

That's it for now.

~Kelpies




RoxieRain says...


Thank you so much and yeah no one has read that but the people here so I hope it was good. And I knew there was some grammatical errors some of which I have fixed but thank you so much! :-)



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Sun Jun 29, 2014 11:31 pm
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Gravity wrote a review...



I really don't want to be negative. I just thought this was really cliche. I've seen a million stories like this one with different character names. It also just doesn't seem logical. Who let's their best friend kiss them in a crowded hallway (without anyone noticing) after talking about their ex? And then walks with them out to their car, kisses them a few more times and agrees to go out on a date?

Anyway. I really don't want to be negative. Because while your story was cliche, it was also very cute and well written. I thought that with logistics aside, it was a dream. And I was curious to know if you had this dream about people you know. I was also wondering if maybe you have a crush on your best friend. It makes me wonder about you as a person.

I wish you has developed the characters of Liam, Aven and Chase. They are pretty interesting characters and I'd like to know more about them.

I wanted to tell you about my absolute favorite part.

I blush as I say an awkward ‘thanks’. I am not used to getting compliments, nor am I good at receiving them.


This was great. It really drew me in to Aven's character and made me relate to her. I'm not used to compliments either, it really just shows the audience how insecure and shy Aven really is.

Other than the negative I had to mention at the beginning about the cliche and the logistics... This was really good. I liked your unique spin on something that is cliche and overused. It made this story refreshing. Good job, I hope to see some more of your writing.

XOXO,
Gravity




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Sun Jun 29, 2014 9:43 pm
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SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hello Roxie, Wolf here for a review.

I should probably read what the genres of a piece are before I actually read it. Seriously, when the romance came on, I was really surprised and you played it really well leading up to that point. Their interactions felt so believable and I didn't have a doubt in my mind that they were friends.

The dialogue was practically flawless, except for this one line towards the beginning (before the random make-out scene in the middle of the hallway):

But in order for him to leave you alone you need to him that that is not what you want.”

I don't understand what is trying to be said here. They're talking about this Chase guy (who seems like a real [insert bad word here] and it seems like he's trying to play Ave) and how he'll leave her alone if she finds someone else. So if she wants to be left alone, why would he need him? The grammar there is just through the roof. I'm sure this was just some deleted sentences mixing or something light that though.

I would kind of like slightly more descriptions (of their surroundings xD the make-out session was fine, maybe a bit too much, but fine). I get they are in a school but what color is the school halls? What about the lockers? Are there any lockers? Little things like that. Also, the exams were mentioned and really jutted out and I felt like they would have some relevance, but they didn't. Maybe edit that out, but it's you're choice.

I still really liked this and this was well written. I like how the romance came almost out of nowhere (but dreams are crazy like that, right?) Anyway, Happy Review Day and Keep Writing,
~Wolfare
Image




RoxieRain says...


Thank you so much. That line also really relates to me too, well I guess why I wrote it haha. But anyways thank you so much for your review :-)



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Sun Jun 29, 2014 12:30 am
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Gardevite wrote a review...



Hello! ^^ I'll be reviewing this for you today.

So the first thing I noticed when I was reading this was certain repetitions of words, that were quite close together. Having the same word too close together makes the sentences feel clumsy.
This is only evident in the first two or three stanzas, so it'll be easy to address! All you need is some synonyms. For example:

the students were trying to get out of class. I am making my way through the clouds of students
is sorta stiff. But if it was written as "....the students were trying to get out of class. I am making my way through the cloud of people/bodies etc." I think it helps loosen up the sentence a bit, but not fully.

Which brings me to my next point, lack of abbreviations. A huge part of why both the dialogue and narrative feel stiff is because it reads like a to do list. 'I am doing this now, I will do that later.' It's not how people, teenagers especially, talk. Since this is a first person narrative, and your character is telling the story, capturing that teenage voice is essential. The dialogue and narrative should be filled with quick sentences, slang words, and natural speaking patterns. This is a pretty good article on improving dialogue. This'll help with the narrative too, since first person is basically the character talking to the reader.

Last thing I noticed was the lack of description. I had no idea what the school or characters looked like. (Honestly, I stated imagining the characters as robots, again, because of the dialogue and narrative. XD) Readers want to know everything, and leaving out description is a big no no.

I hope this helps! ^^ If you have any questions about this review, just ask! :)




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Fri Jun 27, 2014 5:47 am
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Armydah wrote a review...



Hi,

I really liked the story. It had a bit of humor and it was quite interesting. I would point out that your dream is quite interesting though. I had to smile all the way through the story because it kind of reminded me of a quite similar dream I had about this guy I had a crush on :D When he finally told me he like me and we should go on a date too. :) the guy was Taylor Lautner by the way :P . Great story though. I would like to hear the rest of it. Let's see how the date plays out. :D

~Armydah




RoxieRain says...


Thank you so much. And this guy really is one of my friends, so unfortunately no Taylor Lautner haha but that is okay. Anyways thank you so much for the review. I would love to see some of your work too! :-)
-Roxie Rain



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Fri Jun 27, 2014 2:09 am
RoxieRain says...



I still want to add more to this piece, therefore it is not complete yet. Hope you enjoy it though. :-)
-Roxie Rain



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Armydah says...


It was quite interesting, I would like to read the rest of it :)




True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are, it requires you to be who you are.
— Brené Brown