Clues

Clues

July 24, 2012

I never figured this could happen to me, little Airalee Granger. I mean I have only read this kind of thing in books or seen it in movies. Only no one knows but myself. And well… Chase Roberts.

It all started on a Saturday, the summer between 7th and 8th grade. I was sitting on the couch watching a movie with my mom. Chase and I were texting, asking random questions back and forth.

Chase: Have you kissed someone before?

Me: No. Have you?

Chase: No. Who do you like?

Me: You and Carter…

Now mind you I was 14 at the time. Never had a guy truly liked me until the very end of 7th grade. So I was stupid. There is no other way to say it. I liked two guys at the same time. Little did I know they liked me too.

We continued to ask questions until he sent me this…

Chase: Airalee Granger, I have one more question to ask you sorry I am doing it over text I wish it could be in person but will you go out with me?

Me: Yes 

Chase:  Wonderful now I can brag that my girlfriend is a sexy babe 

You see that should have been my first clue. Apparently though, I was too boy crazy and “in love” to see it. Yes, I also made that mistake too. I said ‘I love you’. Didn’t even wait before we started dating because right after he asked who I liked, he asked who I loved. Doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out who I said, because I honestly thought I was but guess what? Yep, I still liked Carter.

******

Key question is though why didn’t he just ask me in person? Well, he was in Oregon at the time. I guess you could say it was sweet he didn’t want to wait for me to be ‘his’. Looking back though I am not so sure it was without an ulterior motive.

We saw each other two weeks later when he came to my house. I really hope he was thanking his lucky stars my dad was overseas still and only my mom was there. We spent most of the time in my room. This is the reason why he should have been thanking his stars. Now so far I have made this sound horrible, but the setting of our first kiss was… perfect. And thankfully it wasn’t in my room.

Holding hands we walked out to the back of my property were the creek runs. Stopping just before the hill dips down into the creek, he gently pulled me closer to him and looked into my eyes. Then slowly dropped his mouth down to mine. In the background birds were chirping, the water in the creek softly swimming through the cattails, bees buzzing in and out of their honey boxes. It was so peaceful and perfect. The kiss itself I don’t really remember but the setting… I loved it.

Back inside though things changed. Then I was still just so elated to have him there but looking back I regret it. We laid on my bed and kissed. And then… basically made out… But it went further, although not without my hesitation…

December 20, 2012

Things didn’t really change. We were happy though. Or I convinced myself that I was. I was having doubts if we were actually going to last. Carter, my best friend, didn’t like that Chase and I were dating. That should have been my second clue. Yes, he did like me and I like him, but he was also honest and wholesome.

For the first five months that Chase and I were dating he kept trying to convince me to do more. To take it ten steps further than I was comfortable with. Although, I was dumb and I let him persuade me. He told me I could say no and that he would listen, but an hour later he would be pushing again. I called him out on it a couple times and it would help for a while but not long enough.

I thought about breaking up with him multiple times but it wasn’t like it was all bad. I had a lot of fun with him and he made me happy. He had become an important figure in my life. So much so, that when my dad said something against him we would get in fights. My dad is one of the most important people to me and this occurrence happened often. This would be my third clue. Chase had influenced my way of thinking with so many things and it was hard to separate what was right from what Chase told me to do. Even what Carter said went out the window once Chase persuaded me of something.

My fourth clue was when he would always snap at his family, mainly his little sister and four cousins. I babysat the girls all of the time, so I knew them well. They all loved me. I absolutely loved them too and honestly they were my reprieve. My buffer. I am always with my family and love spending time with them, so I also loved his family and loved being with all of them. But they weren’t allowed to be with us according to him. When I was over he only wanted to be with me.

Ironically, the day before the world was supposed to end, I went over to Chase’s house. He always made me feel so loved and that he cared about me, but that fateful day I should have realized my fifth clue. He had convinced me it was okay with everything else… and I believed him! So of course, with this I believed him also. Every time after seeing him I would have to talk to Carter, to make me feel better.

I owe Carter so much… He would always tell me it was okay and that God could forgive me if I tried to connect to him. I wasn’t religious but it always helped because I had morals set and wanted to follow them. When I saw Chase I would try to keep my determination the best I could but he would always convince me. I was never strong enough to tell him how he really made me feel.

He wanted to tell his friends about what I would “let” him do, and over and over I would say no. The logical side of my mind told me it was because I was embarrassed. Although, the other side said it was because it was personal. Something no one else should know. Both were right, but the second was wrong for the way I tried to make it right.

March 20, 2014

That didn’t stop him. Again another clue that I should have noticed. Although, before that, the further we went the more he would ask. Every time I would say no to things he would get angry. He would get mad because I wouldn’t let him tell his friends how far he went with me!

None of this changed the two years we were dating. It actually just got worse the further it went on. Carter was always there for me though. When I felt like I was breaking down and could no longer handle things, he was there to help me back up. One day though he wasn’t. He flipped out on me and said things I will never be able to forget.

“You are so annoying! Always talking about Chase and asking me to help you because you can’t tell him anything you actually feel. You just go to me! Yet, I am here, someone who would treat you way better. You stay with him though! But I don’t care anymore if that is what you want then that is fine with me!”

More was said and I couldn’t stop crying. The one person I looked up to and relied on was gone. He was gone because of a mistake I had made! He still liked me and I was always going to him because I liked him too and knew he could comfort me.

Carter always knew how to make me feel better when no one else could.

Tears streamed down my face uncontrollably, breathing was getting harder and harder to do. Everything was starting to get fuzzy. All I could think about is how much it hurts to lose the person who means the most to me.

When I saw Carter again though he acted like nothing happened. Which hurt worse because every time that I saw him tears would form but for him it was nothing just another day. Slowly we were normal again and I had my best friend back. Not having him there like he used to be though threw me into my relationship with Chase even further.

The thought of breaking up with Chase was starting to occur more and more. Even though it hurt more than words not having Chase there he helped me still. It made me realize how much I would rather be with Carter than Chase. And how bad Chase was. Especially when I went to his football barbeque.

It was a nice sunny day at his high school -we had been dating for maybe a year- the whole football team and their families were there. I was actually really happy to be there. I liked his friends a lot, and they liked me too. We hung out in middle school all the time, although, for some reason this was different. I kept trying to hold his hand or at least have him put his arm around me. Each time I did though he shrugged me off or pushed me away.

Chase never did this. He was the clingy type. He was always trying to show people that he owned me. So this hurt, and I was thankful for my sunglasses which hid the unshed tears. I was finally saved when his mom came up to me and asked if I wanted to go sit with them. Chase didn’t even notice that I left. That hurt worse.

******

Fast forward to March 20, 2014. Chase took me on a date although I don’t remember to where but just like that day at his football barbeque, he didn’t touch me. This was even stranger than that day because we were alone. Also known as the time he convinces me to go further than I would ever want to.

This time he wanted to break up with me, that is what ended up being different. I had already thought about it a million times before. I just didn’t follow because I thought it would kill me. Just like when Carter and I had a falling out for a while. I had a panic attack. Carter was what kept me sane and when I almost lost him, I felt as though my world falling in. That is what losing Chase should have felt like, when he treated me like I was his strictly platonic friend.

No. No. No. He was the one who convinced me to lose something I didn’t want to until I was married. He was the one who made me feel loved and that all we did was normal and okay. It wasn’t though. None of it was. I didn’t want any of it! And now he was done?

I was too; I had been for a long time.

I called him that night. And yes, we broke up. He cried. A lot. I cried once. Albeit not for the reason you think. It was because I was losing his family. I would never see them again. And I would miss them so much.

The funny thing is though when we finally hung up I laughed, smiled and realized I was finally free. It didn’t last long though. He tried to get me back two weeks later. We never dated again. We did try to be friends, but I found out he couldn’t even handle that. I found my biggest issue was I couldn’t tell him anything. I was so scared of not knowing how he would react. It took me until about July to tell him how I really felt. That I no longer wanted to be his puppet. That him convincing me to do all these things was not okay! That for once I am finally sticking up for myself! Not bowing down and giving him everything he wanted!

Even though I went through all of that, I yelled at him and finally lost it. He didn’t stop… He kept trying to call me and text me and even resorted to social media once I blocked him from my phone.

I was am so scared, he is a wild card. I can’t even see one of his friends without almost having a panic attack.

To this day I have nightmares that he comes to my house and takes me away from everything I love. Or comes to my school trying to get me to go with him. And for some reason I still always have my saving grace, my angel watching me from above. Carter.

In those moments of fear, or nightmares he is there to save me. When I feel as though I am not worth saving.

I was the one who let him do all of that! So why should I feel so bad? Why should I break inside every time someone mentions sex? Or says that is an easy topic because no one has done anything. I let him get away with it all! And yet I am still the one suffering. I am only 16 and have gone further than most adults. Chase doesn’t care though. He doesn’t care how I truly feel because he had an ulterior motive and I was just a pawn.

Now this is my story. What I went through for my first relationship, and why I am so scared to let anyone in like that again. Something I never figured I would endure: being mentally abused. Those reasons, those clues, those hints is what could have kept me safe. Love is blinding, though, and I fell for every step of it...