I still remember that day. The day when it all started.
We were all sitting in the office- my mom, dad, brother, and me. I was perched on my mom's lap while Jack, my brother, was sitting next to my dad.
Dad started talking first, "We can't take it anymore. Your mom and I just don't love each other anymore and when people don't love each other they get a divorce." That's when I started crying, or when I realized I was crying.
Through my tears I looked around and noticed everyone was crying. And everything got really quiet.
~
Looking back I realize that was one of the best days of my life because if that never happened then I wouldn't be where I am now. Which isn't exactly a good place to be, but it's safe. And I like safe places. Anyway, I'm a freshman now and that was exactly 11 years ago. Some people like to think they know what I'm going through but they don't.
A couple days ago I got into a huge fight with my 'best friend'. I mean, would you be mad if your best friend (that's a girl) went to a concert, ALONE, with your best guy friend? So, the whole fight was about how I shouldn't be mad and how I was making a big deal out of nothing. But, excuse me for having feelings.
This is the whole conversation:
Lexi : Hey Shawn just told me you were mad that we went to the concert. Is that true?
Me : Yes
Lexi : Why are you mad? You don't have a right to be mad. There is nothing going on between us and there never will be anything. I'm sorry I went and I'm sorry I had fun.
Me : I never said I was mad at you or him. I have a lot of things on my mind that you wouldn't understand in a million years.
Lexi : Ok you're mad. Have fun with that.
Me : I don't understand what I did wrong.
End of Conversation
What exactly did I do wrong? I'm only human.
~
And so you left me here patiently waiting for the moment I have always dreamed of.
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Here is your edit =)
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GsW ... sp=sharing
Hallo! Pup back for another review. Good news for you, I only have two nitpicks, and one's not even a real nitpick.
1)Most writers don't start sentences with 'and'. I do sometimes if there is nothing else to start the sentence with.
2)Grammar. I may be in the country, but I know that 'real quiet' isn't correct. It should be either of these:
Or...
Hope I helped!
~puppys3117~
P.S. LOVE your avatar! <3
Hello! Katya here to review! I see that one thing that you have done(looked at the first one) is that you added a lot more details.
NITPICKS:
Spoiler
Just some minor typing errors here and there. They are all in the parentheses. Just fix those and you will get good.
Right here you are using BUT AT THE BEGINNING OF A OF SENTENCE. Excuse my yelling but don't do that. It is the one thing that makes me mad(other than haikus XD). This is completely unnecessary to do that and it can be one sentence with the sentence in frount of it.
Okay. So now we are done with all those nasty nitpicks let's get down to business(to defeat the huns....). I love the emotion you expressed in this piece. How you made me want to cry myself. When people in book or stories cry, I feel bad if I am not crying myself. Another thing is that I feel like the conversation should be in quotations and not listed out like a text. Unless this is texting, if it is imply that it is please. XD You also don't have to say the conversation ended because if the Me: and Lexi: stops we can assume the conversation stopped. Overall, you did a great job. I really liked the piece. The imagery is pretty good. Keep up the good work and keep writing!
Those were texts... Thanks
Good. XD Sorry to be so harsh on the grammar.
This is really good, but there are a few easy grammar mistakes here that you can fix!
Thru my tears I looked around and noticed everyone was crying.
Thru can be changed to "Through"
good place to be but, its safe.
The comma should be in front of but.
if you best
Change you to your.
concert, ALONE, with my best guy friend?
I would change my to your because at first you are talking to the person and then you switch to talking about yourself in one sentence.
making a bug deal
Change bug to big.
Ok your mad. Have fun with that.
Change your to you're.
The ending is a bit confusing, so you might want to try and elaborate on that. I don't exactly understand what you are trying to stay. And is this the ending?
I like how you twisted up the usual formation and threw in the conversation!
Good job!
Thanks I didn't even see those mistakes. And it is not the ending and there will be more in between the last sentence and everything else, I just haven't decided what to put yet.
Well, keep up the good work:)
I like it! A whole lot more detail, now I understand what the previous piece was about. I only have one thing to poke you about:
"I dint understand what I did wrong." Dint? Don't? Didn't?
That's it here. Great piece. It expresses all your emotion about the situation. Especially the part where your mom and dad got a divorce, and everyone started crying. I can't sum it up very well, the emotion you showed was amazing.
~Kelpies.
AHHHHH I FORGOT THE OTHER "D" IN DIDNT
Its supposed to be don't. Thanks so so so so so so so much!
Welcome!