Carnation: The Assassin's Tears - Chapter 6 (Part 1)

by Brunnera

Published June 24, 2014

12+

In Carnation : The Assassin's Tears

Chapter 6

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Gerard:

Second Attempt

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Is Kayden back yet?” Seraphine twisted the cap tightly on her bottle.

Not yet,” I replied, glancing at my wristwatch, “He’s been gone for quite some time, now.”

Well, I’m sure a trip to the local café here in Veronda wouldn’t take up to half an hour,” With a roll of her eyes, she sat down on the mat, “Maybe he went into the city.”

That’s possible,” I nodded, sitting down on the mat, next to her, “I gave Kayden some extra cash before he left. He’s probably taking his time buying some expensive food.”

Silence settled between us.

Seraphine and I were in the ‘training grounds’, resting after three hours of practicing the intermediate techniques of the Tan belt. Kayden was sent to get lunch, but it was already 2 pm and my friend had yet to return.

Gerard, you told me your father owns Kolten Kandies?” The brunette asked, and the answer to the query was a brief nod.

Do you like the chocolate?” My lips parted into a puerile grin.

A smile formed on her face as she continued, ignoring my question, “Kayden’s family lives in the shelter. Since you two are opposites, how did you meet?”

My lips curved upwards. Her question brought back sweet memories back when our friendship first blossomed, eleven years ago in Chicago.

It’s…a long story.”

Just tell me.”

I raised an eyebrow at her, receiving a smirk as a response. Giving in, my fingers ran through my hair as air entered my lungs in a deep inhalation.

Yeah, sure I was wealthy, but there’s no fun in life without friends,” I started, “And, typically, my life was controlled by Mom and Dad and they were really strict with who I became friends with.”

The smirk returned to the former smile on her face when I mentioned “Mom and Dad”. Finally realizing how childish it was to say it in front of her (since she was Carnation), a slight blush crept up to my cheeks.

Well…uh, when I was ten years old…I ran away from home, and reached the impoverished parts of the town. There was where Kayden and I met.”

Curiosity flickered in her eyes. “What made you notice each other?”

I’ve never seen somebody my age look so worn-out and dirty,” With the honest answer, a shrug followed, “And yeah, we were kids, so we started talking to each other.”

Oh, I see. Did your father know about him?”

He only knew eight years later. Everytime I wanted to meet Kayden before that, I’d run away for a few hours.”

Suddenly, Seraphine giggled. Her pearls of laughter were pleasant to my ears.

You’ve got natural thief-like instincts…being able to sneak past your parents like that,” Her voice hinted mischief.

A chuckle escaped my lips, “That’s why I’m one of the UC Bandits.”

What did your mother think of him?”

She gave me a lecture, and it’s infuriating that she judged him when she didn’t even know Kayden. He’s my best friend for who I am, not what I have. He isn’t selfish or greedy.”

People like him are hard to find,” I hardly heard her, since she suppressed the words into a murmur. “You’re both lucky to have found each other.”

I looked down to stare at the palms of my hands, slowly muttering, “I know that.”

A few minutes later, rustling noises came from the bushes and trees ahead of us, succesfully catching our attention. Kayden soon emerged from the brush.

Hey! Sorry I took so long, I went to Main Uriah,” He smiled sheepishly, holding out two paper bags, “Although you guys told me to order take-away, I decided to eat at the restaurant before ordering take-away for you two.”

Selfish brat,” Our mentor spat out, snatching the bags away from him.

My best friend winced at the harsh response from Seraphine, but took it as a joke when she flashed him a smile.

He joined us on the mat and blankly watched us eat. Despite looking lost, I knew him well enough to know something was lingering in his mind.

What happened at the restaurant?”

The blonde’s lips curved into a hesitant frown at my question.

Don’t worry, kid. Just talk,” Seraphine encouraged, also noticing his strange behavior. Kayden wasn’t one to daydream—that was usually me.

Well, I…bumped into Kameira Hunter earlier,” He conceded, avoiding eye contact with any of us.

Shit,” Seraphine frowned, “Did she stare at you?”

Yeah. She even asked if I wore contact lenses,” The pair of violet orbs widened. “And it took everything I had to answer ‘yes’ as casually as possible.”

Um…you shouldn’t think too much about it, kid,” She assured, though the worry in her eyes did not pass my notice. “That Hunter kid probably shrugged you off the minute she saw you. There are lots of people in the city who wear purple contact lenses, anyway. It’s a long-shot for her if she suspects you based on your eyes alone.”

“…that’s assuring,” I said.

What’s the real color of your eyes, anyway?” Her question was meant for Kayden.

They’re actually blue,” He replied, “I have a problem with my eyesight, and I find wearing glasses troublesome, so Gerard bought these purple contact lenses for me, to help me see better.”

No wonder you wear them everyday.”

Very soon, we were finished with our meal. Seraphine handed to us a few papers clipped together.

Drayside Bay, an area just a few kilometers north of Main Uriah,” Kayden read aloud before looking up at Seraphine with a confused frown, “We already checked the bank there. It isn’t open at night.”

I know that,” The woman said, squatting in front of us, “But, the bank in Drayside has a vault containing more than a million dollars. That amount would surely help you guys speed up the pay, right?”

Of course it would, but that would mean robbing a bank in broad daylight,” A frown formed on my face, “Are you suggesting we should take the risk?”

Exactly,” She chirped, elaborating, “You two should learn to take risks. Robbing a bank during the day may have the dangers, but the rewards are bigger. You’ll be able to speed up the pay up to two million dollars—or more—leaving seven million dollars left in the debt.”

Yeah, but we can’t afford to make a mistake if we rob the bank during the day.” I could sense Kayden’s frown.

No criminal could afford to make a mistake during the crime,” She nodded in agreement, “But don’t worry, you two. I’ll give you guys the initial preparations, like instructions, support and equipment, for the robbery.”

And how will that guarantee our success?” I asked.

The only guarantee to your success is if you follow my instructions and your instincts, both at the same time,” She said, “Don’t worry, though. If you guys somehow mess the thing up, I’ll be around to save both of your asses.”

She unrolled a large paper and we learned it was a blueprint of Drayside bank.

Here you go, boys,” Seraphine smiled snidely, “This’ll help us plan the robbery better.”

That’s great, but with only two sacks, how are we supposed to steal millions?” The blonde next to me frowned.

I’ll supply a van for you two,” She offered, “The vault usually keeps money stacked neatly in bags—in certain quantities—so, you guys don’t need any sacks. The van has large space for you to store the bags.”

I glanced at Kayden, and our eyes met. Simultaneously, our lips parted into grins as an exclamation escaped my mouth, “That’s great! What do we have to do?”

I’m glad you asked,” The brunette smirked, straightening out the blueprint before us.

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My hands were trembling as I clutched the steering wheel. Despite my eyes on the road, my mind was somewhere else as I worried and prayed for the success of our second attempt.

Those loansharks Kayden and I were up against, they were brutal, heartless—the very definition of evil. Just thinking about their sordid organization pervaded me with rage, with disgust, but with fear at the same time.

Oliver was a kind boy, the third brother of Kayden’s family and three years younger than us. After finishing his shift at a local grocery store, he went over to a friend’s house and it wasn’t until six in the evening did he leave for home. As he was walking down the sidewalk, somebody put a bullet in his head, killing him instantly.

Kayden was the first to arrive after hearing of his brother’s death and he knew it was a message. The loansharks were still out for them, even after their father was gone.

At first, my friend thought the police would handle it, but he was wrong. Nobody knows what made the investigation come to a halt, but it did, and the police never said a word about Oliver to his family ever again.

Kayden was so enraged, so furious, he was unable to think straight. His mind kept racing on how to pay the debt, whether he should ask the cash from me, if he should rob and things like those. I wasn’t in Chicago at the time. A week passed without an answer from Kayden, so the loansharks got impatient.

They kidnapped eleven-year-old Adara.

Kayden made a police report. It was the best thing he could do at the time as he waited for me to return from overseas, to ask me for help.

A few days after Adara’s kidnapping, a car ran into Kayden and his mother as they crossed the street. Kayden suffered minor injuries, but his mother passed away due to fatal wounds.

The day after his mother’s death, I returned to Chicago, only to find my best friend grieving over his loss, along with the remaining three of his brothers.

To see the whole family cry shattered my heart to pieces.

But the three-in-a-row tragedy meant, if we were to fail this second attempt, it would mean Adara’s death, and the kidnapping of yet another sibling.

I drove the van supplied for us, heading for the Drayside bank.

Despite being aware Kayden was talking to me, I scarcely heard a word he said.

“…so the robbery should be a piece of cake!” The blonde cheerily finished. He glanced at me from the corner of his purple eyes to watch my reaction, but since I did not hear a word he uttered, I blankly stared ahead.

He frowned, “Gerard, are you alright?”

Without replying, I slammed on the pedal, dashing past a red traffic light.

Seraphine told us we couldn’t afford to stop at a traffic light because people may notice us and remember our faces. We wore flu masks and caps under her orders.

The plan sounded so simple, but I knew it wasn’t. The Drayside bank’s doors and walls are glass and close to the street, so I was told to run the van straight into the bank, but to be careful to not run into anybody. Obviously, that was difficult.

Our roles during the robbery were pretty much the same. Kayden, as usual, would round up hostages whereas I would be stash the money into the van.

Just in case the police arrived early, smoke bombs were supplied for us. It would distract the police long enough to run.

After the robbery, we would have to drive all the way to Dean Fountain, another area next to Drayside. It was a must to outrun the police before reaching the area.

From there, the rest of the plan was vague.

About the cops tracking us down, or finding us, it was on Seraphine. She told us all we had to do was focus on the robbery.

We’re getting closer,” Kayden’s voice snapped my out of my thoughts, pointing out the bank within our view.

He removed his cap and flu mask, replacing them with a ski mask, concealing everything but his eyes. “Here,” He placed my ski mask on my lap.

We were already dressed in our usual attire, the black clothing, except the ski mask. This was because if we wore the ski mask on our way to the robbery, people would suspect things.

I removed my flu mask and cap, before pulling the ski mask over my head.

Get ready,” I leaned into my seat, tightly gripping the steering wheel as more force applied onto the pedal.

As our vehicle picked up speed, Kayden tensed.

Comments & reviews · 3
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ExOmelas
Review
ExOmelas wrote a review Review · Jun 29, 2014

',” With a roll of her eyes, she sat down on the mat,' - both of these commas should be full stops.

'2 pm' - my English teacher says you should always write out the word instead of the figure for the number.

'dirty,” With the honest answer, a shrug followed, “And' - the commas should again be full stops and lowercase 'w' for 'with. Keep an eye on the full stop thing throughout. Use full stops if the next verb has nothing to do with speech. If the next verb is a speech verb, like 'said' or 'exclaimed', use commas.

'“I’m glad you asked,” The brunette smirked, straightening out the blueprint before us.

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My hands were trembling as I clutched the steering wheel. Despite my eyes on the road, my mind was somewhere else as I worried and prayed for the success of our second attempt.' - this works great because the break makes the reader desperate to know what it was that Seraphine said.

'As he was walking down the sidewalk, somebody put a bullet in his head, killing him instantly.' - this is really sudden which represents brilliantly how sudden this was for Kayden.

What is really impressive about this is how detailed it is. You have clearly put a lot of thought into how a robbery would take place and it gives a really clear impression that your characters are experienced in this field. I also have ambiguous feelings about Kayden because he sounds pretty tough so I feel like I shouldn't pity him but he's been through a lot so I feel really sorry for him.

My only suggestion would be to be careful about sentence structure. Sometimes the flow wasn't quite right.

Well done! (And I am now going to go review the next part) :)

I am so happy by your review ;_; Especially since you've given me such useful advice! I've always been so confused with the commas and full stops in dialogue. It's great that you've pointed it out.
Thanks for the compliments! :D I'm really glad you liked it :) I'll fix up the errors as soon as I can.

User avatar
Sherri
Review
Sherri wrote a review Review · Jun 29, 2014

Hi Brunnera! Sherri again :D
I loved this chapter, too! The story is still great; I finally have the time to start slowly going backwards so I can catch up on the story behind it all :) I only noticed one extremely minor error, so you did brilliant on that. I make an average of three mistakes in my writing, no matter how many times I reread it; I don't know how you manage to polish it so well.
In the sentence "“Um…you shouldn’t think too much about it, kid,” She assured, though the worry in her eyes did not pass my notice. “That Hunter kid probably..."" you use kid twice in very close proximity, making the word sound a little repetitive. I know it's a habit of the character to use 'kid', but perhaps you could find a substitute in this situation, or remove it? It's you piece, so it's entirely up to you.
Anyways, I really loved your... I guess you would call it 'writing style'? How you structured certain sentences was creative, one of my favorites being: "The brunette asked, and the answer to the query was a brief nod." I haven't seen a sentence structured like that for a while, and it flowed nicely.
Great job! Can't wait to see what else you write :D (...and go back to read what you've already written XD)

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Thanks so much, Sherri! :D I'm so happy you're interested in this. And it took a lot of constructive criticism for me to be able to write like that. I must say Chapter 6 is the chapter I'm proudest of xD
Though the error was slight, it was still and error, and I'm glad you took the time to point it out!
Thank you again :)



A jury consists of twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
— Robert Frost