Published June 4, 2014
Hello there, whoever is reading. Even if you have not read the previous chapters, thank you for taking your time to read this one! :D I really appreciate it. Please help me fix this up-- I do this with all my chapters. I'm really insecure about everything so some criticism helps me out a lot.
Chapter 4
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Seraphine:
Reasons
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“Hello?”
“Is this Grant?”
“No, I’m Kolten…Gerard Kolten,” One of the robbers spoke from the other line, “Just call us Gerard and Kayden instead of our surnames. Seraphine, I suppose?”
“Take a piece of paper and write this information down,” I waited a few moments before I continued, “Go to the candy shop in Markets, Veronda. I’ll meet you two there within an hour.”
“Yes, ma’am,” Gerard said formally and I soon hung up.
My lips curved upwards into a smirk.
It was child’s play to locate the UC Bandits. Just as my sister complained, these boys weren’t professional, they were amazingly stupid cowards.
It was simple—the car the UC Bandits used three nights ago was a stolen vehicle. Very easily, I got the plate number and found the car on street surveillance cameras, tracing it to the factory areas near East Uriah.
Those boys are completely oblivious to cameras. I caught them on footage dumping the stolen car and rearranging the money into a travel bag, before changing into casual clothes and catching a cab.
I traced the cab to the entrance of the Summer Bay Hotel—and just like that.
It took me only a few hours to track them down, but Kameira hadn’t gotten a firm clue after six months?
A small chuckle escaped my lips. Kameira may be gregarious, but when it comes to work, she hates working with others.
And don’t tell her, but the police in Uriah City are stupid. The crime rate in the city went up twenty percent last year and it has yet to reduce.
I got on my bicycle to the candy shop in Markets. The candy store here went by the name of ‘Candylicious’ and my craving for sweets made me a regular customer here.
My favorite treat was a small, rectangular piece of soft chocolate which went by the brand of…something. I’ve forgotten the brand.
The two boys were standing by the entrance and I waved at them.
“Good morning,” Kayden said and flashed a charming smile as they approached me.
“Good morning,” I smiled back and watched as he raised his eyebrows in surprise. He probably wasn’t expecting me to reply.
I ignored his expression and continued, “Get back in your car. I’ll cycle to another location, so follow me.”
The boys acquiesced and started the engine of their yellow sedan whereas I mounted my bike.
As I exerted force onto the pedal, the morning breeze blew into my face, allowing me to take a deep breath of fresh air. Birds chirped in the distance and flew into the blue sky, whereas the sun had yet to rise to a high point, creating a perfect, shady atmosphere.
Our destination was Jeston, a neighbourhood next to West Haley.
“What is this place?” Kayden asked as he stepped out of the passenger seat, indicating the square field surrounded with a tall, barb-wire fence.
The purple-eyed boy approached the gate and read aloud, “’This is private property. Keep out.’”
Gerard frowned and glanced at me, “Are we going to trespass?”
“No, I own this land. I practice here.”
“Practice?” Gerard had a bewildered look on his face.
“Yeah, this is where I practice things, like shooting,” Taking out some keys, I examined them one by one, trying to identify the key for the gate, “From time to time, I have to return here to brush up on my skills.”
After finding the right key, I inserted it into the lock and twisted it before pushing the rusty, white gate forward. As it opened, it creaked and groaned.
I train once every three months—four times a year. Sometimes I find solace in the field whenever something was wrong.
Despite my training grounds already having a barb-wire fence surrounding it, there was a second barrier, composed of trees. Tall, leafy flora surrounded the square field in several rows, hiding the view of the land within.
The sound of branches braking, bushes being pushed aside and slight gasps of pain assured me Kayden and Gerard were behind me. It wasn’t until a few minutes later did I finally make it to the inner part of the field.
Although the two barriers surrounding the land disguised it as a private forest, the inner part of the field was completely clear—it spacious, grassy and large, perfect to practice classic hand-to-hand combat and silenced weapon shooting.
“What are we going to do?” Kayden ignored his energetic friend, who was frolicking childishly in the field.
“Well, I’ve decided you two will work with me everyday, except weekends,” I explained to him, “I’ll get all the equipment needed for training. All you guys have to do is come here, every morning at eight. Is that clear?”
He inquired, “If there’s an emergency and we can’t make it for the day’s training, do we have to call you to notify?”
“Of course. If I couldn’t make it, I’ll call you. Any more questions?”
After some silence, I nodded, indicating the training was about to start.
As I tied my hair into a high ponytail, Gerard and Kayden removed their jackets. I was wearing a tracksuit and a black tank top—suitable for training, and so were the boys.
“Alright, first thing you should know, is that everyone in this world has a tutor. Nobody was born perfect. Everybody needs a guide. Let it be your mother, your sibling, your friend, or even Mother Nature—but everyone has a mentor in this world, whether they realize it or not.”
After a few seconds, Kayden asked, “Does that mean you had a teacher before?”
“Of course,” I ignored their surprised looks, “And because of him, I’ve become the woman I am today. And I’ll teach you two exactly what he taught me back when I was a kid.”
After a few breaths, I continued, “Now then, look around. As you can see, there are no weapons of any kind around you. This is because I will teach you hand-to-hand combat.”
The subject intrigued the boys.
“I am trained in M.C.M.A.P., which is an acronym for Marine Corps Martial Arts Program,” I took a few steps back away from the boys, “My mentor was a former Marine, and reached the 6th Degree Black Belt in the said martial arts. Although I have never joined the Marines, I am trained up to the 4th Degree Black Belt in M.C.M.A.P., thanks to my tutor.”
As they gasped, I narrowed my eyes at them and thought, ‘Mei’s trained up to the 2nd Degree Black Belt—that’s why she could have easily whooped your asses, if only Darren didn’t get in the way.’
“So…what do you want us to do?” Kayden asked with his eyebrow raised.
“As starters, you’re both on the basics, where I’ll teach you the Basic Warrior Stance and break-falls, before we move on to other stuff,” I explained.
“What’s ‘other stuff’?” Gerard questioned.
“Basic upper-body and lower-body attacks, basic knife techniques, and stuff like that,” I elaborated, “You two must prove proficiency with eighty percent of fifty techniques to pass and earn the first belt, which is Tan belt.”
“The Tan Belt is the first level, so it means we’re not really on any level right now?” Kayden had a hint of embarrassment in his voice.
“That’s correct,” My lips curved upwards. My reaction when I first started practicing M.C.M.A.P. was similar to his.
We spent the next few hours with basics. A punching bag and mat were already on the field when we arrived, so this made our training easier. The first few basics taught were basic punches, uppercuts, and hooks. After I demonstrated, the boys practiced the moves on the punching bag (while I held it) and they even tried it on me.
“Come at me,” I teased Gerard, my fists held up to my chest and my legs apart for a steady base.
He threw a punch at me and my forearms raised up, blocking him from hitting my face.
“Not strong enough!” I reprimanded and threw an uppercut, which immediately sent him backwards.
As he stumbled back, his hands flew to his jaw and he cursed loudly. Kayden watched us with weariness on his face whereas Gerard glared at me.
“Come on, if I block, you should know a straight jab isn’t going to work,” I smiled at the dark-haired man, “The best way to break a block like mine is an uppercut, but you’ll have to be fast, if not I’ll punch you before you could hit me.”
He got to his feet and I dashed towards him, my fist aimed for his face. Lifting an arm, he blocked my attack, and used his other hand—he balled his hand into a fist and threw a jab as I was focused elsewhere.
However, the attack was quite slow, and I quickly caught it in my unoccupied hand.
Gerard was stunned and stared blankly at his fist, which was caught in my grasp.
“Holy fuck,” He breathed out, his brown eyes meeting mine, “That was so fast.”
I flashed him a smile and backed away, indicating him to switch places with Kayden.
As the training carried on, I sorted out their specialties. Kyle was quick, but weak in his attacks, whereas Gerard was strong, yet slow—and with them being a team, they were a perfect combination.
If they lived long enough to finish my training, they would be professional criminals. ‘I love how gems shine when they’re polished.’
“Alright, you guys get a ten minute break,” I announced finally, feeling tired.
We found ourselves a comfortable spot on the soft grass and I commented, “Your basics are going really well. We could be finished with the basics within a week if you practice hard enough.”
“That’s great!” Gerard grinned, “You’re really good, Seraphine—it really hurts to take punches from you.”
“And that’s only punches,” Kayden gulped down so water before adding, “Imagine what would happen when we move on to the kicks.”
Gerard continued with a question, "How old were you when you first started training in M.C.M.A.P.?"
I was reluctant to reply, but the answer to his query slipped out of my mouth. “Twelve.”
“Whoa!” Kayden ejaculated, astonished. He asked excitedly, “When did you earn the 4th Degree Black Belt?”
“I didn’t earn the actual belt because I was never a part of the Marines,” I reminded, hoping the hint of shyness in my voice wasn’t so obvious.
Despite knowing I was a good fighter, bragging was never my style because it embarrassed me, “I just…well, according to my mentor, I was so well-trained in M.C.M.A.P., I could challenge a 4th Degree Black Belt Marine to a duel.”
Gerard nodded, “How old were you when your mentor gave you the Black Belt title?”
I remained silent for a while, “Fourteen.”
Only God knows how many questions they had in mind, but they had about twenty, judging from their shocked looks.
Before they could open their mouths, they were interrupted as I spoke, “Anyway, you boys rob, but when I offer cash to help me with something as simple as tracking someone down, why decline?”
Gerard glanced at his friend, unsure, whereas Kayden frowned.
“Should we?” Gerard looked at his best friend.
Kayden, at first, seemed reluctant to do so, but after a few moments, finally gave in. He sat upright with his legs straight, while Gerard sat with his legs crossed.
“I won’t tell you everything,” Kayden told me, “But you should know we don’t rob for selfish reasons.”
He fell silent and his facial expression softened.
“May last year, loansharks kidnapped Adara, my only sister and youngest sibling. She was only eleven years old…they threatened us to pay the debt as soon as possible. The time limit was three months.”
“So, that’s why you robbed the bank in August,” I muttered, receiving a nod from both of them, “Three months is quite some time.”
“Yeah, we were busy looking for a way to pay the debt, but when all the options were ticked out, the last on the list was robbery,” Kayden explained, “We were allowed to call Adara everyday to make sure she was safe, so I was sure of my sister’s safety throughout the three months.”
“In August last year, we stole quite an amount, but it still wasn’t enough,” Gerard continued, “The debt Kayden’s father owed to the loansharks were crazy—it reached exactly ten million dollars. The average we steal was only one fourths of one million. So, they decided to give us a month to plan the robbery and the other month was given to pay the debt.”
“That explains why you guys rob every two months,” Things were starting to make sense, until another question came up in my head, “Why didn’t you two just report her kidnapping to the police before you robbed the bank?”
My question and concerned tone was misunderstood by Kayden, who took it as a scold.
Kayden burst out, “I reported it a day after she was kidnapped! But that didn’t prevent the damned bastards from making my mother’s murder look like an accident! The police? They shrugged off my mother’s case and got stuck with Adara’s one before shrugging hers off, too! What else was I supposed to do?! Wait until I lost another family member?!”
I was speechless by his sudden outburst of rage.
Gerard held Kayden’s shoulder and gave an assuring smile, “Calm down, buddy,”
After a few minutes, the blonde complied, wiping a tear which rolled down his cheek, “And, we didn’t accept the money you offered because Adara made me promise her something. Three days after they kidnapped her, they called to threaten me. After the threats were over, they allowed me to speak with Adara.”
“And she made him promise to amend for their father’s sins,” Gerard, once again, continued his friend’s sentence, “She told him to obtain the money with his own hands. Kayden promised her that, and is still keeping it.”
“You have no education, so you can’t get a job with a salary good enough to pay the debt…so you resulted to robbery,” I observed, “And you didn’t accept my offer because…I’m paying you the money I obtained through my own hard work.”
“Exactly,” The blonde nodded, “Gerard and I rob the banks by ourselves. We obtain the money through our hard work, through our efforts to make the robbery a success—and it’s the same money being paid to the loansharks to ensure Adara’s safety.”
“Do they let you see her?”
The dark-haired man nodded, “Yeah. To make sure Adara’s safe, we made an agreement. We’ll get the money and call the loansharks before the end of the second month. We’ll meet somewhere, give the money to the representative, and he will give us Adara for thirty minutes. We’ll get an hour if he was in a good mood.”
“Running away from them with Adara would be too risky,” My lips tugged downwards into a frown, “It’s possible they’ve got men all over the place, ready to shoot if you attempted to escape.”
The boys nodded slowly and Kayden released another depressed sigh.
After a few seconds of silence, I snapped my fingers. “Oh yeah, let me ask—why is Gerard in the picture? Aren’t you two just best friends?” I raised my eyebrow, “…or are you brothers?”
Their eyes met and they both laughed, puzzling me further with their sudden burst of mirth.
“No, no, Gerard and I met when we were ten years old,” Kayden smiled as he patted his friend on the back, “We became best friends ever since.”
“When Kayden told me of his plans to rob a bank, I readily joined him,” Gerard’s answer surprised me, and my reaction made him frown slightly, “I know, I’m a stupid man, but I’d do anything for my best friend.”
“That’s not idiotic at all,” Their happiness was contagious—soon, I found myself smiling, “That’s actually very touching.”
His light brown eyes twinkled with happiness, “There’s another reason to why we declined the cash. Kayden and I have never robbed a bank before, nor do we have skills in martial arts or guns, so we’re careless and tend to make mistakes.”
“And we laughed when the cops deemed us ‘professional’,” Kayden added, snickering.
“Anyway, we were happy when you, the legendary Carnation, offered to teach us your techniques, because it would improve our performance during the robbery,” Gerard continued, “And besides, it’s free.”
I smiled, slightly embarrassed being called ‘legendary’. “Alright. So, when’s the last day for you two to pay the debt this time?”
“At least on 1st of March. Usually it’s the 30th or 31st, but since it’s February now, the man gave us till the 1st to pay,” Kayden sighed, “And our last robbery attempt failed, sadly. We only got about twenty-five thousand dollars. That’s nowhere near our average of two hundred fifty thousand dollars.”
“That means you boys need a lot of work to do,” I glanced at my watch, before lifting myself off the grass, “Gerard, let’s go.”
.
With a sigh, I plopped onto my sofa.
I was very satisfied with Gerard and Kayden—the two boys managed to perfect a number of basic techniques within a few hours. Somewhere around three in the evening, I brought the boys to my home, astonishing them by my casual-looking, unsuspecting house.
Before leaving for Markets, all pictures of Kameira and I were removed and I locked her room. If these two idiots find out the detective out to catch them is my very own sister, they’ll immediately call off the deal and I’ll never be able to punish Darren for his crimes.
I questioned the two first—asking them if they knew of Darren. To my surprise, they didn’t. I told them of his murders—and how he had a connection with them. I replayed the surveillance footage of all their three robberies in front of them, inquiring them about the figure they made contact with before they fled the scene.
They replied the man is one of the loansharks, given the duty to ‘monitor’ the boys as they robbed the bank. However, they didn’t know him as Darren—to them, he was Nathan.
Doesn’t sound so threatening, I know—but Darren doesn’t sound threatening either, alright?
They knew Nathan was a professional person in committing crime—but they had absolutely no idea he was murdering innocent children. He watched them from the dark, disabling the boys from knowing his appearance.
I asked if they knew the loansharks’ hideout or the name of their organization, but they shook their heads, as Kayden’s father was the only one in the family who knew.
The first day of tracking down Nathan was spent on interrogating the UC Bandits. They confirmed he had dark brown hair and a deep, intimidating voice.
When queried if there was anything unique about Nathan, they told me he loved to threaten them. He carried a 38-caliber gun, and every time after the robbery, he would point out the mistakes Gerard and Kayden made during the break-in, and then threatened to torture Adara afterwards. This was one of the reasons to why Kayden always had his gun pointed to Nathan during the whole conversation.
This led me to conclude Nathan was manipulative.
It was 6 pm, 18th of February, Thursday, and I had little information about Nathan. Although it wasn’t helpful, at least I know some information about my target.
It was then I decided to go out and treat myself to a meal.
After a refreshing bath, I slipped into an evening dress which reached below my knees and tied my hair up into my usual hairstyle—the ponytail.
Being an active person, I mounted my bicycle and headed for a small café in Markets.
The café was nearly empty and very quiet. The walls, painted light brown, worked well with the dark, wooden floor, creating a cabin-like setting. The waiters and waitresses were young and garrulous—and soon, they found me a seat.
After placing my orders, I picked up my fork, and was playing with it until somebody tapped on my shoulder.
I looked up, only to come face-to-face with the person I never thought I’d meet again.
“It really is you,” Devon smirked, grabbing a chair and sitting opposite me. I rolled my eyes and he chuckled, “I never thought I’d meet you here! I guess I’m that lucky, huh?”
“What do you want, ducktail?” His hairstyle looks like a duck’s tail, really. You know men, gel and this typical hairstyle—sometimes it does make them look attractive, but sometimes it just makes them look like they’ve got a duck’s ass for hair.
“You don’t have to be so mean,” He smiled, whistling at the waiter to get his attention. After placing his orders, he returned his attention, “Besides, since this might be my last chance to get a date with you, I’ve got to make the best of it.”
“I don’t have time for dates,” I shook my head, and when he gave me a inquisitive look, I shrugged, “What? I’ve got a job.”
“When I first met you, I thought you were in college, because you look younger than twenty. I was really surprised to know you’re twenty-six,” He smirked at me, receiving a snicker as a reply.
“Alright, so what do you work as?” The red-head asked me, immediately sending a million thoughts to my mind.
I couldn’t just tell him I was an assassin. What was I going to answer? I averted his gaze and looked elsewhere, struggling for a reasonable reply which will answer his question logically, but won’t make me look like a total idiot in the process.
“Well, I…” I stammered, hesitantly at first. He raised an eyebrow, making me panic, and I sputtered the rest of the sentence in a hurry, “I…run errands for people…”
It was Devon’s turn to snicker.
“H-Hey, it might not be the best job in the world, but I do it for a living, you know,” A blush tinted my cheeks red.
It was humiliating to label myself as a person who runs errands for people! It’s even more so to have someone laugh at my much-more-normal-sounding-yet-embarrassing name for my assassination job.
“Sorry, sorry,” Devon apologized, although his obnoxious smirk was still plastered on his stupid face.
“Tell me what you work as, then,” I demanded, hoping he would say something just as stupid as I did.
“Well, I’m unemployed,” He admitted and my face fell.
“You’re thirty-one and unemployed?” I was asking him with disappointed-disbelief.
Devon pretended to be offended, “Aw, you don’t have to be so mean.”
“Um…it’s just…quite disappointing,” I smirked, thanking the waiter as he set my drink on the table. Taking a sip, I continued, “You’ve got the looks and personality, but without a job, I don’t really consider you the full package.”
“Oh, so you’re saying all the women in the world want rich guys?” Devon raised an eyebrow.
“No, not all the women,” My smirk remained plastered on my face as I wagged my finger, “But, you should find a job. Girls need someone to support their back, both emotionally and financially—I mean, not everything in the world is free.”
Devon nodded slowly at my advice. I called the waiter and asked him to pack my order, telling him I’ve changed my mind and wish to eat at home. The man nodded briefly and left.
“Leaving so soon?” The azure-eyed man frowned, disappointed, “Am I really that annoying to you?”
“No, I just…suddenly changed my mind,” I giggled, taking another sip of my drink, “But you’ve got time, until the food arrives. Say the right words and you might just win yourself a date.”
“That’s great!” He exclaimed happily, flashing a handsome grin. However, his mirth quickly faded as he scratched the back of his head, confused, “But…what should I say?”
“I don’t know,” I shrugged, allowing my lips to curve into a teasing smirk. I watched his reaction.
After a few moments of thinking, it seemed he finally got an idea.
He leaned forward slightly and paused. Then, he took a quick breath and uttered with his cobalt eyes full of hope, “Hunter, you’re beautiful, and I really like you. Will you give me a chance?”
My lips curved into a shy smile. The words he said were classic and, to most girls, very cliché. However, it was those exact words I was looking forward to hearing.
“It’s hard to believe you actually understood what I really meant,” I laughed, “Whenever I say stuff like that to other guys, they come up with these ridiculous pick-up lines and horrible jokes.”
We shared our laughter.
“So…did I win?” Devon asked hopefully.
The moment I opened my mouth to answer him, the waiter brought me a plastic bag with a plastic container inside. “Here’s your food, Miss Hunter,” He politely told me, “Please pay at the cashier on your way out.”
I thanked the man and accepted the food.
“Don’t worry, I’ll pay for her,” Devon told the waiter, surprising me. When the man walked away, the red-head sighed and his lips formed a disappointed smile. “Darn it…I was so close.”
“Better luck next time, sorry,” I told him with a hint of pity in my voice. I grabbed a few tissues and put them into the plastic bag, before putting some back on the table after a few seconds.
I stood up and made my way out of the café. The sky was dark, and since I came to the café with a bicycle, it was natural for me to rush back to my neighborhood before it started to rain, and this was why I suddenly decided to leave the café early. I wasn’t annoyed at Devon at all, actually.
As I walked down the steps, I heard Devon gasp and cheer.
“Yes!” He cried out happily. “I’ll…I’ll call you!”
I smirked, and did not bother to turn around. I knew he would, because before I stood up to leave the café, I scribbled my number down on one of the tissues.
.
“Um, Sera, can I ask you a question?” Kameira asked as soon as she approached the kitchen entrance.
I looked over my shoulder, my hand still stirring the black coffee I was preparing for her, “Of course, Mei. What’s wrong?”
“Err…is it alright if…” She stuttered, hesitating.
I handed her the mug of coffee. A nervous giggle escaped her lips upon accepting the mug, and her dark brown eyes averted my inquisitive gaze, “Ah, it’s kind of embarrassing to ask.”
I knew exactly what she meant, “Look, Mei, you’re old enough to make your own decisions, so date whoever you want, alright?”
She was surprised, “H-How did you…?”
“I just know, alright?” I ushered her out of the kitchen.
Kameira was about to say something, but she decided it was better not to tell me. Instead, she giggled and headed toward the living room, leaving me alone in the kitchen.
Finally! For years, people have commented on how Kameira was so much prettier than me. This was getting on my nerves, and I couldn’t believe it took so long for that guy to gather the courage to ask her out.
I’m still single because I’m the type who likes playing hard-to-get. Although I like teasing boys who try to flirt with me, I’m actually really sensitive and shy about getting into a romantic relationship. And I really hate it whenever someone asks me if I’m single.
“Hey Sera!” I heard Kameira shout from the living room, “Don’t you have a boyfriend yet?”
Rolling my eyes, I didn’t reply.
My sister released a chuffed giggle and I frowned. She loved to tease me about these kinds of things, and it was testing my patience.
Devon crossed my thoughts, and I hoped he would call soon.
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Hi Brunnera! Sherri here to review

Awesome job with this!
I love this story!! You write really well, fusing basic story-telling with descriptive detail and creative words; it made for a very nice read. I don't think I even blinked through the whole thing...
You didn't make very many mistakes at all... I know in a review you're supposed to offer up some advice or point out something that may need mending, but I found it very hard to find anything! I'll just point out the few (extremely) minor things I noticed.
In "...crime rate in the city went up twenty percent last year and it has yet to reduce.", the sentence might flow better if you remove the "it". When I read it, I kind of... tripped? (for lack of a better way to explain it)...over that word. Like I said, really minor
I would also recommend connecting a few of your paragraphs into longer ones. There were a few places--especially right there in the beginning--where segments were broken up into paragraphs where they didn't need to be. Too long of paragraphs block up flow and readability, but if they're too short, it creates that 'tripping' feeling... if that even makes sense.
Anyways, that was all I could find. You did a really amazing job! I just randomly chose this story, so I haven't read the chapters before or after this one, but I'll make it a point to read them all. The story you have going is very intriguing, so I'll definitely have to go back/forward to get all the details.
If it isn't too much trouble, could you let me know when you post new chapters in some way?
Thanks
Oh my Gosh, I'm so happy you took the time to review! ^_^
Even if I made a minor mistake, if anybody thinks it needs mending, I shall definitely fix it up. I'm always so insecure of my chapters...really, so any advice is always accepted.
The tripping feeling you talk about may be something that has to do with the disruption of the flow? Maybe xD It doesn't sound right, is that what you're trying to say?
Anyway, I'm just so happy you took the time to review! It really made me happy, especially since my chapters aren't getting much feedback.
Well, it's a shock you would actually be willing...well, sure, I can notify you in a way xD Posted Chapter 6 yesterday, if you're interested.
Thanks so much once again!
I'm happy you posted your story so I could review it!
You really have a great plot going; it makes me wish it got more attention! It certainly deserves it. I'm also really insecure with my writing, sometimes to the extreme, so I get where you're coming from. Anyways, no problem! I'll read the other chapters as soon as I can!
Thanks!
I like this, we both write kind of the same thing, but kind of different. I like to make my chapters long and so do you. This is very good, you've got description and conversations down. I spotted a grammar error on the third to last sentence though. "My sister release a chuffed giggle."it should be, "My sister released." That's easy enough to fix! This is looks awesome so far though! Good job!
Aw, thanks C: I'll fix that up soon C: