Prologue
Steam bled out of the manhole, quivering in the black atmosphere. Tall, lifeless
buildings aligned the sides of the street perfectly; shadows enveloping the open
road. The residue of moisture dampened the bricks along the wall; the excess
light shining off of it.
One lonesome lamp post hung off of a nearby building. What was left of
the burning light began to flicker, creating more of a dreary outline in my
eyes.
The light buzzed, sending out a few sparks before it died out, leaving
me standing in complete darkness.
I took a step back, my elbow grazing against a wall I hadn't noticed
that was there before. A low whistling sound echoed in the black, empty abyss.
"Who's there?" I called out. The veins in my arms began to throb; heat
surging through each vessel. The skin above it began to tingle, goose bumps
tracing over my skin.
The buzzing came back, and the light flashed multiple times before
refraining itself anymore.
A man stood underneath the light now.
His covered arms were crossed over his chest; the black leather of his
jacket wrinkling around the creases. Platinum hair fell down his face to the
crook of his neck in knots and slight curls. The side of his face drooped more
than the other, causing a permanent frown on his pasty face. He looked to be at
least in his mid-forties or early fifties.
He watched me with nothing but a glare.
"Who are you?" I asked, taking a step further.
He didn't move an inch. The mix of grey and blue in his eyes darkened;
his silhouette becoming fuzzy, along with his body.
"You have sixty days." His scratchy voice whispered.
Then he was gone.
"You," A voice came from behind me. I turned around, seeing an elder
woman leaning against a burnt out lamp post. "It's you."
"Excuse me?" I questioned. Part of her silver hair was covered by a
apricot bandana; her black eyes filled with horror.
"You," She repeated again, losing her balance. Her back hit the lamp
post, and she held onto the metal for dear life. "Mason."
"How do you know who I am?" I took a step closer, reaching out for her.
She brought her hand up, shooing me away, as if I could kill her just by
touching her.
She shook her head frantically. The wrinkles in her face became deeper
as she shut her eyes, creases forming above her eyebrows.
"You must go." The woman whispered. Her voice was shaky; she opened her
eyes again, but this time they were wider. Her pupils were dilated, and her skin
was almost translucent.
Scarlet liquid began to run down her face, all the way down her body.
It became a puddle as she stood there, more and more blood running down her.
Thick lines of gore slid down her eyes, rolling over her parted lips.
She slid down the pole, catching her breath.
"You must go!" She repeated, this time louder. A mixture of blood and
spit erupted out of her mouth as she screamed, bubbling over her chin. "You have
sixty days!"
"Sixty days for what?" I bent down to her, watching the pain in her eyes.
"To live." The woman whispered with what was left of her breath.
Her body went limp, her eyes shutting for the last time.
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
This gave me chills! That's how good it was! The parts that really stood out to me, really got my adrenaline pumping was the following lines:
Tall, lifeless buildings aligned the sides of the street perfectly; shadows enveloping the open road.
Amazing! I loved the descriptive words.
The side of his face drooped more than the other, causing a permanent frown on his pasty face.
Something about that, gives me chills. How the words are put together, the words you used to describe him.
Her pupils were dilated, and her skin was almost translucent.
Using the word 'translucent' stood out for me, I loved the way it sounded in that sentence.
Thick lines of gore slid down her eyes, rolling over her parted lips.
Again, perfect usage of words. I love how you used 'gore' instead of something else.
I absolutely loved this, a lot better than my prologue for my book.
Descriptive, well worded, I got a perfect picture, it was like the words had come to life. Amazing!
Sincerely, @ScarletDreams14
Writer, Artist, Student, and Reader
Hello, there! Thanks so much for the review on my short story, and to fulfill your wishes, I am here to comment on your work.
First of all I noticed how everything is in italic. I'm sure other reviewers have mentioned this, and it definitely needs to be fixed. It's just improper to have the whole prologue in italic format.
In reviews, I start with nitpicks before going on the the parts I favor.
" "Who's there?" I called out. The veins in my arms began to throb; heat
surging through each vessel. The skin above it began to tingle, goose bumps
tracing over my skin. "
Without any description, I wonder how Mason 'called out'? Adding words like 'weary' or 'anxious' after 'called out' will give me an impression of how your character is saying things. A simply call-out could be inquisitive, or demanding, or frightening, so simple words could really touch your story up a bit.
Besides that, the description that follows is powerful, but could definitely use some improvement. You should connecting the sentences, they are too short for my taste.
"The veins in my arms throbbed, as though heat surged through each vessel, as my skin began to tingle with goose bumps tracing over it."
In my opinion, this ^ sounds better, but it's merely a suggestion.
" He watched me with nothing but a glare.
"Who are you?" I asked, taking a step further. "
I know this is meant to be suspenseful and quite scary, but the usage of words is basically uninteresting. Instead of 'watched', use the word 'stared', and adding 'menacing' in front of 'glare' would touch it up nicely.
A simple 'asked' brings no special meaning to how this character is saying it. 'demanded' perhaps? And by taking a step 'further', do you mean to the back, or to the front-- towards this unknown man?
Another thing is the use of the semi-colon. Honestly, I am no expert with the semi-colon, but you use it too much in the work. At some parts you are correct (as far as I am concerned) but sometimes it is blatantly used incorrectly.
Now then, nitpicks put aside...
"You must go." The woman whispered. Her voice was shaky; she opened her
eyes again, but this time they were wider. Her pupils were dilated, and her skin
was almost translucent.
Scarlet liquid began to run down her face, all the way down her body.
It became a puddle as she stood there, more and more blood running down her.
Thick lines of gore slid down her eyes, rolling over her parted lips.
She slid down the pole, catching her breath.
"You must go!" She repeated, this time louder. A mixture of blood and
spit erupted out of her mouth as she screamed, bubbling over her chin. "You have
sixty days!" "
Excellent imagery is used in this part. It beautifully describes the horror and confusion of this abrupt appearance of the lady and shocks readers as to why she suddenly experiences this gruesome, graphic bleeding.
I also love the vague and mystery throughout the prologue. Well-written and intriguing.
The ending, on the other hand, was abrupt, which makes it all the more brilliant. To end it at an unexpected point leaves the reader curious and wanting more. It is a good start for your story.
This is an interesting piece of work, overall. However, it will take a keener eye to spot out the mistakes you have done. I've written this review with the best advice I can give you.
Good work.
~Brunnera
Hello Hysterical, Wolf here for a review.
Just a little tip: the entire passage doesn't have to be in italics. Prologue or not, italics are usually only used to show emphasis, show someone's/something's thoughts, or if there is some kind of note or writing inside of a work (ex: passage excerpt, note to their mom, etc.)
Also, I'm sure this is an error, but I notice that new paragraphs are started when they aren't supposed, like in the middle of a sentence. Remember to only start a new paragraph is a new idea is started or there is new dialogue. It's okay to have short paragraphs (and long ones for that matter) too many short or too many long gets a little tedious and hard to read.
One little grammatical issue, all except the very last semicolon you used is supposed to be a comma. In some spots you use it correctly (a sentence like: She walked in circles, twirling her hair along the way.), though other spots you used a semicolon instead of a comma, so be very careful with that.
I love your imagery, and the mystery you convey with why this person is where they are and why they only have two months to live is really cool. This is pretty well written, but I'm not really sure if this should be considered a prologue, since they are really for information that can't be out anywhere else in the novel (and most people don't even read the prologue.) but that's your call. Keep Writing,
~Wolfare
Hello
I feel like this is less of a poem and more of a novel chapter. It's interesting the way you have such a narrative going in a poem. Very unique tone to your writing indeed.
However, I feel like your formatting is a bit all over the place.
So...
Good Points
1. Interesting subject content: and it kept me reading.
2. Use of unique voice and narrative technique.
3. The ratio of dialogue and description.
Improvement Points
1. Sort out the formatting to make it look a bit more organised.
2. Consider the length of the piece, whether it's long enough as it is or could be shortened/broken up/extended etc.
3. Use more realistic dialogue in certain parts eg. less cliches
My favourite part:
Very intriguing piece.
Well done.