I went straight home from the mall; mom and I were trying to find out the perfect dinner idea.
The anticipation of the dinner and meeting this arrogant woman and her father, trying to stay on track of what the council has asked me to take on is leaving knots and sickness in the pit of my stomach. I feel like I'm going to pass out at the thought of it. My mom had dug out her old fashion, dusty, tarnished silver ware that still needs to be polished, for us to use tonight. Mom chose to make this beautiful juicy pot roast, with potatoes, cabbage, carrots, onions, and exotic spices of garlic and thyme. The smell of the garlic and thyme, and the cooking onions made me hungry. I went to the nearest flower shop, that was 4 miles away, and got a bouquet of Lilly's, greenery, baby's breath, and carnations for the center piece. I went and put on a knit top, that is sky blue, and a skirt. I then threw my hair in up in a tight bun, and I went down stairs. I grabbed a white wine bottle for my mom and Mana's dad, and I grabbed apple cider for me and Mana.
It was 5:45 and there was a light knock on the door, they where here, I let them in, I froze as the anxiety reached it's high. I took in a deep breath and welcomed our guests.
"Hi welcome to our home." I said breathing out, trying to relax.
"Hi thanks for inviting us, everything smells amazing" Mana said with a giant smile.
"Please come in, sit" My mom said motioning our guests in.
We all went and sat down in the living room, while my mom went to get the drinks.
"So where is your mom Mana?" I said with curiosity and doubt.
"Ummm... well umm." She said desperately, "She couldent make it".
"Her mom died when she was real young." Her dad said.
"Oh no I'm so sorry" I said with an innocent sound in my voice "I didn't mean to bring discomfort."
"It's fine, why should you care you have a mom." said Mana with an attitude, she wipped away her tears.
"Im sorry Mana, I don't have a dad.
"Well then." Said Mana with a flip of her hair trying not to be embarassed.
"Dinner is ready," My mom yelled from the kitchen.
We all went to the kitchen and my mom had the table set with the now polished, cleaned silverware. There was a red table cloth and candles in the middle of the table next to the flowers I had gotten. The window was slightly cracked to let in some fresh air. The pot roast was sliced nicely, and placed on a plate next to the flowers. There were baked potatoes on the right next to that. Mana's dad pulled out my mothers chair for her to sit down. I pulled Mana's chair out for her. We ate dinner in somewhat of silence. The only couple of things said were that my dad left when I was younger we never new why. I have not seen him since he left. There was a weird feel to the air, like something was happening between our parents, but i dont know what. Anyways after dinner me and Mana went up to my room and talked about pretty much everything.
"Hey Mana look I'm real sorry about earlier, I didn't mean to bring up old feelings." I said as I patted her on the back.
"It's whatever you didn't know besides I barely knew her. Its just real hard being an only child, and having my dad always gone with the council or out at work. I never really have anyone to talk to." She said very innocently, but in a way that sounded like drop dead.
"Awe im sorry maybe we can change that?" I said with a smile
"Sure!" she said with excitement. "I mean that would be cool".
"So what’s your plan this year, I mean like now that you are getting settled in." I said, trying not to sound suspicious.
"I have no idea I am going to try and get good grades, but I don't have a set plan."
"You get good grades?" I said with a chuckle.
"Yea me get good grades, just because im perfect dosn't mean I dont have to try to get good grades, I do care about my future."
"Oh, I didnt think you would care, and I have a question about powers, I thought you might know more about than I do."
"I do and whats up?"
"How do you control them?"
"It's hard at first, but it gets easier, you have to focus and don't get mad over little things."
"Oh, sounds simple enough."
"Its really hard my dad had to help me for the first couple of months when i figured out I had powers."
Things got awkward so we decided to go downstairs, we found our parents talking about there old relationships. We sat on the stairs where they couldn't see us and listened in.
".....So you have been single since Mana was two?" My mom said with a twirl of her hair.
"Yes, I have and it has been very hard being a single parent, and working with the council." Said Thomas, Mana's dad.
"If you don't mind me asking how did she die?" My mom said with an innocent look.
I've never seen my mom look this way, Its so weird.
"... Well" He said with a pause," She died from Breast cancer." He looked down and twitled his thumbs around. " Mana was 2 years old."
"Oh no." my mom said rubbing his shoulder "I didn't know, im so sorry."
"It's ok, it's hard at times but we get through it. if you don't minf me asking what happned to your ex husband?"
"Well.. um I don't really know. He left when Kyrie was 2 months. I havent heard from him since."
"Thats real nice." he said sarcasticaly, trying to make a laugh.
"Aha yea, anyways have you dated anyone recently?"
"No, I havnt real thought about it, I would like to talk to Mana first."
"Oh, ok. Shhh hold on just one second I think I heard something... Kyrie!" My mom yelled.
Her yelling startled Mana and I, and we both fell down the stairs and landed on top of one another, laughing.
" We wern't just spying on you." I said with a big smile on my face.
"Sure lets go with that" My mom started to laugh
"Dad if you want to start dating I am perfectly ok with it I would love a new mother. I know no one could take moms place but I would love someone, female, I could talk to for advice." Mana said, sitting next to her dad.
"... And mom if YOU want to start dating again I wouldnt mind either." I said with a giggle.
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Hi Sabrina738, this is Sherri for a review. This story has some promise! I'm sure you'll be able to develop it into something great, especially as your story continues and your writing improves. It's something I love about this website: no matter what I'm doing up here, by the time I log off, my writing has improved in some way!
Cricket and Raven both went over a majority of the errors, so I'll just point out a few things that stood out to me. Also, I beg you to remember that written words can be taken in different--sometimes negative--ways. Though I may sound harsh at times, I'm actually very excited for your writing and wish to help you improve. Writing takes patience and a lot of love, as well as tons of practice!
"...her old fashion, dusty, tarnished silver ware that still needs to be polished, for us to use tonight." I had to re-read this sentence a few times to make sure I was interpreting it correctly. At first, when I read "old fashion" I thought the mom was digging out clothes or something of the like. I recommend changing it to "old-fashioned". Also, I believe it should be "silverware" instead of "silver ware".
"I went to the nearest flower shop, that was 4 miles away, and got a bouquet of Lilly's, greenery, baby's breath, and carnations for the center piece. I went and put on a knit top, that is sky blue, and a skirt. I then threw my hair in up in a tight bun, and I went down stairs. I grabbed a white wine bottle for my mom and Mana's dad, and I grabbed apple cider for me and Mana." Before the first sentence in this segment, you were describing the smell of the stew. You then jump to suddenly going to a flower shop, changing clothes (hopefully back at home...?), and then you were magically back at the house of the main character, grabbing some beverages in under five sentences. First of all, I would start a new paragraph at "I went to the nearest flower shop..." and start being more descriptive. It almost seems as if you got impatient or bored with this part of the chapter and attempted to rush through it. This blocks up the flow terribly, and makes for difficult reading.
There are definitely a lot of grammatical and spelling errors in this piece, but like I said before, it has the makings of a great story! I recommend going back through it and polishing it up. Also, try to have fun with it! If you decide to go back and add more description and build up your characters more, then do it in a way that is interesting to you. It's usually easier--and more enjoyable--to write about something you're interested in than something you're not, right?
Great work, and happy writing! Good luck on the rest of your story! Feel free to PM me if you ever need help with anything; I'll aid you if I can!
-Sherri
Hey there! Cricket here for a review!!
So first off, I haven't read any of your previous chapters, so if I say something that is off by plot, feel free to ignore it. But I'll do my best to not get anything wrong!
Character development
So I'm not entirely sure the characters are going to well. I don't really know them. They seem to be "just there!" Like if I wrote a story with the character going through some really hard times, you would want to know what he is... right? I mean, what fun is a character if you don't know them? So make sure you have a character that is relatable that you feel that you can know, and realistic at the time. Ohhh, here's an awesome article for building a characters strength's and weaknesses!!
Strengths and Weaknesses
So maybe you could check that out, if you have time!
Description
Now the first thing you automatically do when writing is try and think about your characters and such like, but what a reader likes to do, is think about the setting. Now I noticed you put most of your description into one blocky paragraph, and then don't really do anymore. Well here's yet another article that I think you would find useful, and plus! it would explain it much better than I ever could!
Description
Thought
The next things is characters thinking! THOUGHT. In this work, I'm not seeing any! Its just dialogue. Now thought is used for really one thing. Character development. It is, at least in my opinion. Like what is your character thinking? Is she mad? Sad? Happy? Maybe a little nervous? What exactly is she thinking about the other characters? What does she think about them? That's what readers will want to know, when seeing thought. What is your characters plans for the future, and what are they thinking. Stuff like that.
Grammar nitpicks!!!
Run on sentence.
After a greeting, always put a comma.
Double quotation marks at the end, and you forgot the apostrophe as well with I'm.
You don't start sentences with dialogue tags.
OK, so what I ran through earlier with description, thought, and character development, is just about it! Thanks for posting!!!
Hello!
Raven here for a review!
Nitpicks!!!
Woah, okay let me start with the first thing I saw...
Put a comma after "Hi." And instead of "I said breathing out." Do this: "I said, exhaling."
Couldent should be "couldn't."
Put a comma after "Mom."
Double quotation mark after the period.
Stuff in red: Should be "I'm."
Things in blue: That should be "knew."
I know this is grammaricly correct. But you have been doing it like "This," for so long. Choose one and stick with it.
EDIT: but I don't know what.
[size]Thoughts Over All![size]
Okay, you have several grammar mistakes in this piece of work. But if you read it over, hopefully you'll spot some!
This was mostly dialogue, which is usually boring to read. Maybe spice it up with some description every few conversations.
I also noticed that you used the word "said" a lot. I would recommend using action tags everyone in a while. Like: "I love you." His hand caressed my cheek, and his blue eyes stared at me with such intensity. See, I didn't have to used "He said lovingly," or, just "He said."
I thought Mana was the bad guy, then all of the sudden, she and your MC are friends? Is this a set up by the counsel?
You also call Kyrie's mom, mom. So, capitalize Mom. Unless you said: "My mom and I..." Or someting like that.
Tell me next time you post!
Raven,