Jasper walked down the crowded street with purpose and an air of cold determination that emanated off of him in waves. He had walked down this street many times in the same manner, not based on any legitimate tinge of determination, simply to avoid contact with anyone else. In fact, he was only walking to the closest coffee shop for his daily dose. He had learned that people seemed to fear this fake confidence, perhaps because it was something that they did not possess themselves. He couldn’t help but laugh at the irony in this. His fake confidence scaring away other people so similar to him. People just like him.
The walk to the coffee shop was short but sweet. Upon entry, he shot a charming smile at the coffee girl and she smiled back gently, already preparing his usual drink. 1 cream, 1 sugar. Nothing too fancy. He had become accustomed to black coffee in his teenaged years, but a year ago, in a weak attempt to change up his life, had added in a touch of sweetness. This was the only reminder left of that phase. It hadn’t gone over as well as he had hoped.
The coffee girl handed him his drink with that same gentle smile, and he left without a word spoken. She seemed to understand him. He had talked to her a few times before of course, to put in an order. He would use the smallest possible amount of words, and punctuate his curt sentences with a smile. She would nod, scrawl his order onto the back of a receipt and glide away to prepare it. He knew her careful smile was practiced. He could tell. But he was terrified to discover what was hidden behind it. Instead, he let himself believe it. They were both comfortable in their intentional ignorance.
His walk home progressed in the same fashion as always, and before long reached his small apartment. He worked in a furniture outlet, and although it was stable, it didn’t pay as well as he would have liked. At least lugging all of that furniture around kept him in good shape.
Jasper tossed his keys on the counter and made his way to the living room, where he sprawled out across the worn couch. He felt for the remote on the wooden coffee table, but gave up quickly when his hand failed to locate it. Instead he laid back with his eyes closed, and let his mind wander.
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139,276 Literary Works • 672,524 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well...one of the more low key first chapters that I have read, and of the few low key first chapters that also instantly managed to get my attention. This is a very nicely done first chapter here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well, that's a wonderful note to start on...love the irony of things there at the end of the paragraph, this paragraph here is doing wonders to establishing the setting here at the start and also letting us know the sort of personality that this Jasper fellow has, which is quite useful here.
Okay...well, that little coffee tale also tells us quite a bit about his personality not to mention hints at his past too, well, that's the most amount of information I've ever gleaned from a single coffee order in a story..this is definitely a very relaxed yet quite intriguing start that we've had here.
Okay....that's interesting, I was not expecting the coffee girl to play any sort of part in this story but especially that last line makes me thing perhaps she's going to have more to do with this story than initially meets the eye in this paragraph here...this is certainly quite a carefully constructed description there for the interaction between the two, too careful for it to amount to nothing.
Okay...that's was a slightly odd transition...I'm assuming the job and the talk of it being a pretty modest pay is to follow up on the comment about the small apartment but I feel like it still comes out as a touch too sudden, it would potentially be better to describe the inside of the apartment itself and then transition to this...that would potentially make this a bit smoother here.
Hmm, well, we get a bit more about his personality, and descriptions like that worn couch work perfectly with showing his modest income...so that's a nice touch. I also like how he's too lazy to reach for the remote there...well...quite a first chapter you've got here. Definitely makes you think.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this is a pretty neat little story right here...and this first chapter has definitely captured my interest. This seems like the type of story that I would in fact read right here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
It was really short, and it ended abruptly. It could've gone on a little longer I didn't really like it that much. It wasn't really interesting, and it didn't grab my attention in the first few paragraphs. I could've been better so I suggest you go in the and maybe add more?
I felt as if you could've spent more time on it?
If I had to rate it I'd give it a 5 at most.
It's not my cup of tea but it wasn't horrible.
Now don't give up on writing this, just do your best to make it better! Here are a few tips.
-Write more, this could be considered as a short story not a chapter.
-Don't end it so quickly, think of it like carrying a bucket of water filled to the brim. If you walk to quickly it'll spill and than it will become empty.
'Jasper tossed his keys on the counter and made his way to the living room, where he sprawled out across the worn couch. He felt for the remote on the wooden coffee table, but gave up quickly when his hand failed to locate it. Instead he laid back with his eyes closed, and let his mind wander.'
See how it ends? Instead he laid back with his eyes closed and let his mind wonder.
I feel like it cuts off or something there, it's really short in general.
-Write, write, write.Practice makes perfect!
That's about it, it wasn't bad but try writing a little more, I was a bit disappointed in how short it was. If your not going to add more you probably put it in the 'Short Story' genre.
Sincerely, @ScarletDreams14; Member of Salsa Verde
Writer, Artist, Student and Reader
Hi, so far, so good!
Just try to use a little less unnecessary words. "He had learned that people seemed to fear this fake confidence, perhaps because it was something that they did not possess themselves." You can remove 'that' from the sentence to make it less choppy, and more free-flowing.
Of course, a little dialogue would be nice, so the characters can seem more real. Nice parallel structure and imagery
-Addie
Nice and simple introduction to two characters here (well mainly Jasper of course). It was easy-going and had a kind of natural feel to it. Still, though you've painted a picture of what's going on in our minds regarding Jasper's relationship to those around him, we have no clue where the story is set. There is no hint at any specific location, so we're just in some random town where there's some random coffee shop. This might be intentional - I'm not sure.
I think describing the walk to the coffee shop as "sweet" is a little weird. Try finding a more fitting adjective. Then again, you might be trying to play up the reference to the coffee he is going to order at the shop, but something just seems off about it.
"...the smallest possible amount of words." Here, amount should be number, as worlds are countable/listable. Although, you might be able to get away with that because of how frequently these mistakes are made (especially the common ungrammatical '*amount of persons').
The chapter is quite short, and so I didn't get the expected fill I was looking for. It was a light and easy read though, which encourages me to go on to your next chapter. I wonder if the chapters to come will be consistent with this one (length-wise).
All in all, good work. I look forward to more from you.
Hello polka, Wolf here for a review. (Please excuse any grammatical/spelling mistakes, for I am on a phone, with one hurt hand.)
So a few little nitpicks:
I found this a little awkwardly worded. So, I was very confused the first time I read it, and had to reread it three or four words to finally see why it's grammatically correct. However, I would recommend splitting this into two sentence at the 'however' and adding 'this practice' right after the comma. I feel it would make more sense. You do the same thing here:
I just think it would help improve the flow. (Since the reader won't have to stop and reread parts to understand it.)
One last word placement thing. Here, everything is fine the way it is, but my mind keeps trying to read t a certain way, and it makes me extremely confused. Here's a quick way of how I would reword it:
"He had talked to her a few times to, of course, put in an order."
Every placement of words counts to understanding everything.
Finally, I did like this. It was a nice, quick read (almost too quick for a novel chapter, you could lengthen it with this). I liked the little details slipped in there, but where's the setting? What's around this busy, crowded street? Sky scrapers? Tiny homes? What's the coffee shop look like? I want to be able to get a picture of this stuff in my head, go into details of where stuff is taking place and what stuff looks like. Anyway, hope to see more. Keep Writing,
~Wolfare
Hello there!
First, nitpicks!
I believe you meant air, not heir. An heir is someone who inherits something.
Remove the word however here. It's very off-putting and makes the whole sentence very confusing.
Coffee girl shouldn't have a hyphen.
There should be a comma between room and where.
That's all I could find grammar-wise. Now, time for content!
I have to say that this failed to interest me. I understand that it's the first chapter of a novel? If so, it's not a very exciting first chapter. Yes, it introduces some characters, but it fails to engage readers.
Your writing has a feel of "Japser did this, Jasper did that." It gets kind of dry after a while. I'm sure you've heard this before, but you could work on showing and not telling. Because of this, I'm not very emotionally invested in Jasper yet. From the outside, where I'm reading the story, he seems like a cold-hearted jerk. If you showed his emotions and got us inside his head a little bit more than maybe we readers would connect with him. You give us no reasons for his "cold determination." Is he just a jerk?
That being said, I do like the way you describe the coffee girl. She seems like she's hiding something. I think she's more interesting to me than Jasper, which isn't a bad thing. Lots of people like Ron and Hermione more than Harry.
Overall, this is a pretty good piece, but it could use some work.
Keep on writing!
Thanks for the review:) I always appreciate grammar help, I will definitely change all of those errors. As for it being dull, I can see where you are coming from. My intention was to keep the character vague for the time being, and yes- he is a little bit of a jerk. But again- thank you for the review!!
Hi!
I like this story, even though it's short. You wrote with lots of detail and voice. I your word choice is awesome! I especially liked how she would "glide" in the sentence:"She would nod, scrawl his order onto the back of a receipt and glide away to prepare it."
A few little things: "an heir of cold determination"
I think it's actually "an air of ----"
Also, as a suggestion, you definitely describe what Jasper is thinking, but I think maybe some more setting description would make the story more visible.
Anyway, awesome job!
Keep writing,
- Corax
Thanks for the review
I intend to continue this piece in the form of a novel, so Jasper's thoughts should become more evident as I progress, I will add in "Chp.1" to the title!