Swimming Through Pavement

Hey polka!

Lovely poem, I like it a lot.

I'd change the ending paragraph though, it doesn't hit as well as the others.
Feels a bit off.




Cheers
Birkhoff

This was a well executed piece of poetry! It was very moving, I felt as if I was the one swimming in pavement! I loved how you used a somewhat noticeable simile, to compare swimming in pavement to how if people new how much it hurt you maybe they'd stop. This was very very good and I hope you feel proud of this. I think you captured the ideal image of what being bullied feels like, in my opinion of course. To me I feel like this was a smile to how it feels when someone says something to you and they don't really know how it feels. I LOVE this!

So, I read this poem thinking I wouldn't review it, but it was so good I had to give my 2 pence on it.

I loved this poem, loved it to pieces. You have this beautiful metaphor that continues throughout and as you read it you begin to understand what it means and why you have used it. It's beautiful.

What I loved was the use of pattern of 3. The 3 lines of 'Cold, Hardened, Deadened' was a really effective way to sum up the feelings of the persona. It is also a good break from the rest of the poem, the change in pace is good and adds to the overall poem.

The imagery in itself, of swimming through cement was a good way for the reader to think about what the cement meant. Depression is the most popular idea and the most obvious, yet there are many other emotions and feelings that can be associated with this piece. A feeling of being dragged down and confined, a feeling of not being complete (with cement being used in building etc) and just the feeling of struggle.
Whatever idea and emotion you are portraying you do it well!

I like the last line. I understand why others had a problem with it, but I believe that the use of walls as a metaphor works fine. Yes, there are better options out there, but you don't need to use them and it's your poem so do whatch want!

Great job and keep writing!
Nargles xxx

Needs Some Improvement. Then it Be Great Keep Going

"It fills your nostrils, your
mouth, and when you gasp for air the hardened stone only slips
further down you throat. Until inside you are solid."

Fills your nostrils seems a bit awkward.

"Cold.
Hardened.
Deadened."

Don't put this in three separate lines.
Make It 'Cold,Hardened And Deadened.

"Oblivious feet tread over
you, pressing you further into your unfortunate fate."

I liked this line.

If only they knew the force
of these steps, like sharp words piercing once strong walls..."

It is better not to end the poem with "..."

Regards.

Hello.

I like the whole metaphor of this, and think it is very well written. I like the way your mind works.
Besides the obvious grammatical errors, (I'm sure it was just by mistake) this piece is flawless.
It really makes you think and it makes me wonder what we all really are destined for in the end. It reminds me of this piece from Shakespeare's Hamlet:

"Alexander died, Alexander was buried,
Alexander returneth into dust; the dust is earth; of
Earth we make loam; and why of that loam, whereto he
Was converted, might they not stop a beer-barrel?
Imperious Caesar, dead and turn'd to clay,
Might stop a hole to keep the wind away:
O, that that earth, which kept the world in awe,
Should patch a wall to expel the winter flaw!"

I like how you bring across the emotions without it being so obvious. I see so many poems on here that are so "in your" face let me cut my wrists and die etc. It's really just angst and I feel lack any talent and have destroyed what poetry is. You have talent, and a great use of words and you can put them together well with a complex use of metaphors under one emotional clause.

The use of imagery is astounding, I can actually envision this in my head. and the last line, just summing up the doom of us all. Once strong, and now forgotten, part of the re-use, re-cycle system of life, and in the end, we are all swimming through concrete, because life is hard cement, and we are the insects who's legs are stuck in it.

You give me hope in a new generation of poets, and I believe you will go far with this.
I can' wait to read some more of your work.

I like this poem and the way the cement consumes the person. This makes me feel that the imagery behind this is maybe the feeling of depression? When i read articles about depression its usually a feeling of drowning or suffocating and i think cement swimming is a perfect way to describe that. I actually like the line "like sharp words piercing once strong walls..." if its put into the context of the emotion depression then it fits perfectly with the poem and its an even better ending. For example sometimes depressions starts just by a few little words and those few little words can have the capacity to break the walls of the human mind and with that everything will begin to crumble. Excellent poem and excellent writing. Keep it up.

Hey there. So I am sooo excited to review this piece!!

What I liked:

1. The idea/message. I myself know what it is like to struggle and try to trudge through life, to feel stepped on and just so hard inside. The way you have put those feelings to words is strong and vibrant. I love the topic and how you have made it real.

2. The imagery. The fact that you not only provide me with an image of swimming through pavement, but the feelings it brings is on a whole diffrent level. While some manage to master imagery, they may not be able to really capture the other senses like you have. Great job on that!

3. The flow. I didn't feel it was stilted or choppy at all. I loved it!

What I didn't like:

1. "of these steps, like sharp words piercing once strong walls..." I like the part about the steps, don't get me wrong, but I feel like "sharp words, piercing once strong walls..." doesn't have a place here. Sharp word is actually fine as well, its the strong walls part that is throwing me off. My focus this entire poem is on the ground to shift and pull it up to walls isn't the best move. In my opinion I feel you could have written a better personfication for how your feeling.

Overall:
A really strong piece. I enjoyed it very much. You present the reader with a great oppurtunity to experience those feelings and share them with you. Great job and Keep Writing!