Hey Wolf~
I love that you're writing about soldiers and Memorial Day. It's a great topic, and I don't think teens touch on it enough.
So, my main issue with this poem is the line breaks in the last three stanzas. The flow doesn't feel right. I think it's too choppy, and I feel like the way you've broken it makes some lines insignificant. I think it also makes the ending weak. Endings of poems, I feel- with certain exception, of course- should have a punch. This poem just kind of... ends.
Unlike Aley, I do relate with these beliefs, but I still find it hard to connect. I don't think you have enough imagery or metaphor or whatever device is your favorite. There's nothing to make this sparkle.
I think what this needs, and I could be wrong, I suppose because this is the exact opposite of any poetry advice I've ever gotten, but I think what this needs is to be fleshed out. Things can always be cut out if they don't work, but this is too bare bones. There's not enough sparkle. Right now it's just words on a page, it doesn't really grab me.
I also think that your wording is too restrained, and that might be because of your message? For example "A plan is unfolding." Okay. Who's plan is this? How does the soldier's sacrifice impact this plan? What is this plan going to achieve?
Right now, it's too vague for us to make any connection with that line.
I will be going through your other poems though... probably tomorrow. I want to see what else you added in this Memorial series.
See ya,
Megs~
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