Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
January 27th, 2009 - Ireland
"What are you doing here, Demps?" Grace asked, her eyebrows raising up, something she used to do when she was curious and wanting answers. It wasn't supposed to be like this, Dempsey wasn't supposed to know her secrets. Hell, he wasn't even supposed to remember her. Grace's hair fell in her face as she laid back in the limo seat. "Gracie, what happened in those few years that I was gone? And for the love of God, stop with that nickname!" She shook her head, a breathy laugh passing over her lips.
So he didn't tell Dempsey. Weird.
Grace' s thoughts raced on as to why the man that she was supposed to meet had yet to tell the man sitting by her why she was here. Wouldn't it be dangerous not to tell him? Dempsey seemed to give up on trying to find out her secrets through her facial expressions. After all, he is not the only one that knew more that he should about how people lie, and facial expressions.
"Things. Many bad things," Her white teeth gleamed in the darkness of the car, as she muttered almost regretfully, "I did have my run ins with some drug dealers, after all." Demspey scoffed, as a thought rushed in his head. He rolled his eyes at her. Grace knew that he was thinking that because she had run with bad people all her life, that she thought that she was invincible.
"And how is that any different than your old friends?" He snarled, and Grace knew who Dempsey was talking about. For a brief moment, the man's face popped into her head. He was the one that knew all of her secrets, even if she hadn't remembered all of the things that she had told him.
"Are you talking about Bates, love?' Grace asked, they pulled up to the old, worn out, cottage that she would be staying at for some time.
Dempsey needs to stop pushing this, she thought, as the man's face came back, emmbedded into her brain.
"So you do remember the man that you were so bipolar with. I mean, really, did you love him, or hate him? Because you never did tell us which it was."
"That's none of you damn buisness," she scowled, and there was a hint of feistiness that Grace had so wanted to hide, hide them away with the memories. "Fiesty one, aren't you," Bates used to whisper to her when she was in a bad mood. A smirk appeared on her lips as she blinked, the small memory fading out of her vision.
Out of no where, Dempsey got serious. That's never a good sign, Grace thought with a sigh. His now darkened eyes found her's as she wondered briefly how one minute her life was like heaven, and then the next minute, she was running for her life. Maybe she shouldn't have played with fire so much, metaphorically of course. Although the people that she had been with were far from dangerous, she had yet to realize that she had been worrying about the wrong people.
If only I'd realized that sooner, she thought as Dempsey started to speak.
"Grace, how did you get yourself into this mess?" Grace shrugged. I had thought he told me everything, her head muttered as she tried to find the right words to say. But as she tugged on her blonde hair, she had no idea how to tell her friend that she had pissed off one of the biggest drug dealers in town.
"I guess I shouldn't flirt with the brother of the guy that's been hunting me for years?" She said, and they both knew that although she didn't say Bates' name, she meant him. And they also knew that his brother is the one that caused this debacle in the first place.
Grace and Dempsey had a silent mutual agreement as they made their way to the cabin that was too be her prison for the next few months. Grace had too admit that it was a cute little thing, with a cherry wood door that was slightly ajar, and old looking wood that had vines climbing up its walls. It was definitely something that he wouldn't expect, she thought as they trudged up the creaky stairs. Stepping out into the dim light, a person appeared. Greg looked the same, she saw as her head whined about the fact that he was the person that she was supposed to meet.
As the pair slowly meet up with Greg, Grace only hoped that this plan of theirs' would work out. Because if it doesn't, I'm going to die...and this time, for good, Grace thought with a bittersweet feeling about seeing her old friends once more.
One year earlier
The eighteen year old man, who had startling green eyes looked out the corner of them, watching the blonde girl. She was sitting with a whiney, loud mouthed, dark skinned girl, looking as bored as ever.
Bates mouth formed into a smirk, as he stood, awaiting to pounce on his new prey. He watched as the blonde gave a small, very fake, smirk to what seemed was like a friend that hadn't cared about her. The girl seemed like she wanted to get out of there.
Shall I put on a little show, then?
He looked back at the stage, which held props for the Sound Of Music play that was being put on, and then jumped over the red seats that were lined throughout the auditorium. There was an empty seat between the small blonde and her friend. he noted, as he started moving towards the girls.
"Hey, mute girl," he said to the blonde, as he referred to the name that he had given her earlier that week, "and...friend." Bates watched as she grimaced at the over used nickname that he had given her in the week that they had known each other. He could barely hide the annoyance in his voice as he heard her friend's nasily voice speak.
"What do you want, Creepy stalker guy?" she said, as she brushed her hands on her phone, faking boredness. He smiled, and then his eyes fell to the blonde that had yet to speak. She stared out into the distance, as she tugged at her pink sweatshirt. Flipping her hair behind her neck, she finally noticed his presence.
The man rolled his eyes at the friend, not liking her attitude.
"My name is Bates." Although he said it to the blonde's friend, all he could look at was the blonde, herself.
"Mute girl is most definitely not my name," she spoke softly, hesitantly, as she took a deep breath. He gave her a lazy smile again, as he sat in the seat between them. His eyes were mischievous, as Grace thought about the boy two years ago. They were so different, and yet so alike.
End of chapter
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137,476 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Okay, so I'm intrigued. I like the idea of the story starting after some issues, picking up the pieces as it were. The relationships between the characters seem interesting and nuanced, and I'm excited to see how this is is going to go.
That said, I felt a little overwhelmed in this first chapter. A lot of stuff happens, a lot of characters are introduced, a lot of relationships that we haven't had the time to see yet are referenced and there's a lot of catching up to do. For instance, why are Grace and Dempsey in a limo? Why are they in a limo together? If Dempsey didn't know Grace was coming to wherever from wherever, why was he in the limo that was apparently picking her up? And I'm not even sure where she's coming from or they're going and why exactly and there's a lot of information here that you don't necessarily need to include immediately, but can you see why I might be a little swamped as to what's going on? And that's just this one paragraph.
Slow down a little maybe? The pacing is just so frantic and there is so much happening, one instance right after the other, both in real time and in flashbacks, that I'm just a little lost. Intrigued, but a bit lost. I like the characters' relationships, I just need a little time to get to know them. Like how do they all know each other? It's clearly more than high school buddies or druggie friends. Why a limo? Why the meet up? What's going on? I must read more!
That apostrophe in there is unnecessary.
"Too" here.
Onto the next chapter for me. Feel free to shoot me a line with any questions or comments.
Hi there! I saw the second chapter to this in the Green Room and the title intrigued me, so I thought I'd check this out. I'll start with the quibbles:
You've just slipped into present tense here, so just change it into past tense like the rest of the story.
So, 'her white teeth gleamed' isn't a speaker's tag, ie it isn't 'he said', 'she asked', 'I yelled' or anything along those lines. Therefore the dialogue needs to end with a full stop and it should be 'her white teeth' with a capital 'h'. If you want a more detailed spiel on how dialogue should be punctuated, let me know.
You're trying to show what he's thinking, so I'd suggest putting that second sentence into italics so it looks more like a thought. Otherwise you'd need to put it into past tense for the sake of consistency, but I think italics would be more suited for what you are trying to say.
The wording's kind of weird here. It seems a bit rushed between Grace being fiesty than recoiling, and 'as her fiesty side came out' doesn't quite sit right. Just try to make the correlation between her fiestiness and the memory evident in how you structure this - rather than feeling like a massive leap from one to the other.
'Krugs' shouldn't have the apostrophe, and you need to finish the dialogue with some kind of punctuation. Maybe an exclamation point would work here.
'Nasaly' is the correct spelling. You should have a full stop after 'friend' and a capital 'h' for 'he'. I also don't think you need to include the fact that 'mute girl' is her nickname, it doesn't feel necessary, unless you were going to say something like 'she grimaced at the sound of the nickname he had given her' and show her reaction. That could be quite effective.
Like Wolfare, I wasn't such a fan of your overuse of 'the man' in this. You still could have created suspense by calling him 'Greg' - we would still be wondering 'who is this Greg?' The way it was made the revelation of his identity a bit anticlimactic. Using names adds clarity, and won't ruin the suspense.
I did quite enjoy this. The premise is interesting, and as sparse as the details were, I did want to learn more about how the characters had gotten into these situations - and there were a whole lot of 'why's I wanted answers to.
Your narration was interesting, and I can't say how I felt about it. I think so long as you don't let it become too jumpy you should be right.
My interest is piqued. I shall be checking out the next chapter.
Hello Dawny, Wolf here for a review.
First off, some nitpicks:
I think this is a strange way to say that she's curious. Maybe describe more how 'curiosity takes over her features', rather than just telling us they do.
First, 'closely' is spelled wrong. Second, this a little too repetitive. You could cut out the second 'her closely' and it would work fine.
There are some other little grammar and punctuation mistakes here and there, so I would recommend to go through and reread this, just to check for those itty-bitty things. If I went through and pointed them all out, then this review would drag on forever. (Not that there's that many, I mean it would take me at least an hour to pick them all out.)
Another thing I notice is that 'the man' is said a lot in the first part and I have no idea who 'the man' is. There are two men in the scene (apparently) and I sometimes how no idea who is being talked about. Try to clear that up. Also, same goes for the part in italics. Clear up who 'she' is. There are two girls and sometimes I have no idea who is talking or doing what.
This style is very interesting. You write in the Point of View of third person omniscient, and I commend you for that, but it's still really strange. It switches back and forth so abruptly, I get quite confused on who's talking or doing what and when. Try to avoid switching 'persons' to narrate until at least three or four paragraphs have passed. Though this is just a suggestion.
This was quote interesting, but I'm a little confused. Usually I picture someone named Grace all cute and innocent, but well, was I dead wrong. You create a nice scene as well, and the situation intrigued me. I'm quite curious to know what happened and why the first man (Demsey?) isn't supposed to remember Grace. Keep Writing,
~Wolfare
Thanks! Yeah, I forgot to edit this...I've just been trying to write, and edit later...but you helped point the little things put a lot!
Hi there
I love your setting XD Ireland is a great place! I think your characterization is really good so far. You can sorta sense the chemistry between the first two characters. Like the reader doesn't really know if it's romantic chemistry or friendship chemistry or even chemistry fouled by hatred, but we know it's there, and that's really good! The piece is well written, with few to no grammatical errors and I like how it leaves you wanting more, because I want to know what happens next. Good job!