z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Chapter 2: Trouble in School

by TheCowboyAustin


“So, what'cha gonna do when you finally get back to wherever you're from?”

“Not sure yet. I do know I'm through with this crap, though.”

“What crap?” she asked, genuinely puzzled.

“This gang crap. All the petty crimes I do. I'm sick of it, it's brought me nothing but trouble,” he said, his eyes shooting straight to her.

They took the first right they came across and proceeded down a somewhat better lit road, which was surrounded by smaller, houses that had mostly fallen in on themselves. “The houses here are all deserted. They're supposed to be tearing them down soon to build new ones apparently,” Michelle said when she noticed Kid observing them.

Kid looked back at her, then to one of the houses next to them. It was painfully obvious that the houses were abandoned, probably for years. As an extremely sarcastic reply began to creep out of his mouth, they heard a loud engine roaring a little ways behind them. He grabbed her wrist and pulled her over to the closest house, kicking the door a little too hard, breaking the rusty hinges, causing it crash to the floor. They ran in, and Kid quickly picked the surprisingly heavy door up, doing his best to hold it in place in the slightly destroyed frame. “Get down!” he ordered a confused Michelle.

She obliged and ducked under the big window on the wall that peered right into the old, decrepit house. A dark grey pickup truck eventually showed itself, slowly crawling on the road in front of them. It was The Harbingers. They had brought some backup. Two were in the cab and more than he thought could fit were seated in the back. The member that had been struck by the vehicle was missing. Kid was forced to assume he was dead.

They piled out of the back and looked around. Kid could see them through the peephole, but it obstructed most of his view. Glancing over at Michelle, he could see she was shaking. “What are they doing?” he whispered.

“I don't know, it looks like they're splitting up. Can't you just come over here?”

“If I let this door go, it's gonna fall... very loudly. If they start to come this way, you'd better speak up.”

“I got it, I got it,” she mumbled back.

Three of the guys went back towards the direction they had just come from, while two went the direction Kid and Michelle were headed. The loud pickup rolled away, its engine rumbling loud enough to let the whole world know they were there. When the Harbingers were finally out of sight, Kid slowly let go of the door, easing it off of its frame and back onto the dirty carpet. “Let's find the back door. We're going to cut through the yard,” he said, heading towards the rear of the tiny house.

“Wait, Kid, I'm not really sure I want to keep going with you, especially if it's going to be like this the entire time. This is kind of what I was hoping to avoid. I don't think I can do it.”

“I told you this wasn't a game,” he said, looking back at her, and then to the broken door. “But if you get caught on these streets by them, with or without me, they're going to do some pretty bad things to you, and if you're lucky, they might not kill you. You'd better just stick with me,” he almost couldn't believe he had just said that.

Her eyes moved all around the room as she processed what he was telling her. “Fine, let's just go then. There's creeps everywhere out here, on top of these people after you.”

“You think I didn't know that? Come on.”

They crept through the two bedroom house and out of sliding glass door in the back. The yard, big enough for only a decaying shed, was enclosed behind a five foot high chain link fence. Behind the fence was a little road enveloped in total darkness, which was starting to become Kid's new best friend. “If we follow that path,” Michelle said, still a little shaken up. “We'll be on the main road, I think. We might be able to find a place to rest, and lay low.”

“We'll see. One thing at a time,” he said.

They trudged through the yard, listening for sounds of even the slightest of movement. The two Harbingers that went the way Kid and Michelle were headed appeared to have had gone down another road much further on, as Kid couldn't see them anywhere around. That gave them a small opening to get out of the area. “Alright, we're going to need to move fast. I need you to lose that suitcase. It's going to slow you down, which slows me down,” Kid said, staring at her medium-sized add on.

“I can't lose this, its got all my stuff in it!” her voice was just above a whisper.

“Stuff is replaceable. You're going home anyway, right?”

“Well, yeah,” she said, letting a small frown creep across her face.

“Okay, then. It's not like you're losing everything. Now, drop it and let's move,” he said coldly.

She remained silent, but dropped the suitcase as he demanded. He nodded and hopped the fence. After helping her over, he led her to the nearby shadows. They could see the coast was clear, so they quickly darted over to the street in front of them.

Looking both ways, they could just make out the backs of the two Harbingers a good distance down the road making their way back to the area they had originally split up in. Kid and Michelle exchanged knowing glances, and started sprinting to the next district, not wanting to look back to see if they had been noticed.

After another couple of random left and right turns, they slowed to a walking speed. Kid could feel his tired body yearning for rest. His muscles ached, his head was pounding, and his lungs were on fire. Michelle appeared to be in somewhat better shape, but clearly still a little worn out. Minutes of heavy, exhausted breathing passed, which were immediately followed by too many minutes of dead air. “Who's the, uh, deadbeat?” Kid asked, very awkwardly breaking the very awkward silence.

“What?” Michelle asked through a few breathless coughs.

“That guy, your boyfriend or whatever, he told you if you wanted the deadbeat, go get him. Who was he talking about?”

“Oh, you heard that, huh? He was talking about my ex. I told you I was going home, but that's actually where I'm headed.”

“The whole neighborhood heard it. Does he even know you're coming?”

“No, but I'm sure he won't mind seeing me,” she said, sounding almost as if she was trying to convince herself, rather than Kid.

“He better, because I'm not taking you all the way back there if he rejects you. If I even make it that far,” he retorted, mumbling the last bit to himself.

“I know,” her voice was stoic.

“Good. Where's he live, anyway?”

“Near that Gentry Boulevard area where everyone loves to party. You know what place I'm talking about, right?”

“Yeah. I don't live too far from there, actually.”

“That's good. That means I don't to worry about you abandoning me on the way there.”

As they came around the bend, they found themselves in front of an elementary school. “You think it's unlocked?” Michelle queried.

“Only one way to find out,” Kid replied as he cautiously proceeded towards the entrance.

The school was a tan brick building that seemed to almost out date the whole city. It, to Kid, looked like leaning on it would make the whole place come toppling down. Didn't seem like a very safe place for children that were forced to attend day in and day out.

Cold wind was now slamming into the pair much harder than before, causing them to both shiver aloud. Kid hastily grabbed the nearest door's handle and pulled back, almost jumping with surprise when it actually opened. They shuffled in and gently pulled closed the big, green, wind-blocking metal door behind them. They had come through some sort of side entrance that led straight to some of the classrooms and a few bathrooms.

“Try to find a room we can take a break in. I don't want to sit here all night. This school creeps me the hell out,” Kid said as he led the way down the unknown hall.

“Good, my legs are killing me. And I'm freezing,” she shuddered.

“Just come on,” he groaned back, not even bothering to hide his annoyance.

They walked down the hallway, not coming across any unlocked doors. Eventually, they made it to the end of the hall and were faced with a fork in the path. Left led to a courtyard that branched off to other entrances and other parts of the school. Right went to more halls and rooms. “Let's go left,” Michelle said, pointing down the hall. “It'd feel like we'd actually be going somewhere.”

“No, right's the way we're needing to go. I'll break a window to get us out of here if I have to.”

“We could just stop here,” she countered, already pressing her back against the wall, sliding down limply.

Kid looked around before finally just dropping down beside her.

It was quiet, all except for the hard blowing wind that wasn't letting up outside. Kid's body was letting him know it wasn't pleased with his actions all night. It definitely didn't appreciate the fact it took him that long to finally rest. In seconds, he could feel himself nodding off, but was powerless to stop it. Inches away from blissful slumber, Michelle rapidly tapped him on the shoulder, jolting him back to consciousness. “Someone's coming!” she hissed.

Kid looked further down the hallway and saw a beam of light dancing along the walls of the right-only turn. They both jumped to their feet and ran out of the door leading to the courtyard, causing a louder than intended bang when the door slammed against the wall. The person manipulating the light was sure to have heard it.

The courtyard was a lot bigger than it looked from the inside. There was some sort of statue in the center of the grassy area, with benches and tables circling the yard. He never realized toddlers needed such a fancy place to converse. The statue was basically just a slab of concrete honoring some figurehead and was roughly eight feet tall, six feet long. It was made of really old looking concrete, and was completely covered in cracks and mossy growth.

The two crouched behind it, pressing their backs to the freezing structure, hoping they didn't attract unwanted attention. As (Kid's) fate would have it, however, the door flew open once again, noticeably startling Michelle. Kid peeked around the statue's base and saw an older man sporting a security outfit, and wearing a stern face. He was looking around frantically. “Come on, just go already,” Kid whispered, wiping away sweat that stung his eyes.

The guard unclasped a walkie-talkie from his belt and gripped it as tightly as his thick fingers would allow. “Uh, I'm here in the courtyard and I think those punks are back again tonight,” he spoke into the black device.

“Ha ha,” a static-ridden voice spoke back. “Well, Charlie, I guess it's good we brought a few extra hands, huh?”

“Oh yeah. What's your position?”

“I'm in the cafeteria right now. I'm heading your way. I'll be coming from the south side exit. I'll see ya in a bit.”

“Alright, I'll go ahead and tell everyone to regroup back in the break room. We'll think of a strategy to secure the building in there,” he said, turning to go back through the door.

When he was gone, Kid let out a deep sigh. “What's with that old idiot? He acts like he's in some sort of war or something.”

“He seems to take his job pretty seriously. Let's just get out of here already. Please.”

“Yeah, the guy he was talking to will be coming out of that door,” he pointed at the red door directly in front of them.

“How do you know that?” she asked, raising only her left eyebrow.

“Weren't you listening? He said south. That's south. On we go. We don't know exactly how many people are here. I don't like not knowing my odds,” he said as they climbed to their feet.

To the right of them was a glass door that had 'Offices' printed on the center. They made their way to it, while keeping a look out for the other wannabe General in the Elementary School War. The door was unlocked and very heavy as it slid open to reveal a few desks and filing cabinets. The room's exit was just across the way. In an instant, Kid was grabbing the doorknob, and turning it as slowly as possible.

Pulling the door open softly, he stuck his head out and peered down both ends of the hall. “It's clear,” he said, walking out.

Directly in front of them was the school's main entrance. They started towards it, quickening their pace with each step. “Hey, you, stop!” a gruff voice behind them called out.

A chubby security guard was jogging to catch up. Kid and Michelle were close enough to the doors that they just kept moving. Just as Kid was about to push the door open, another guard tackled him from the right, catching him completely by surprise. The chubby guard kept after Michelle, who stopped dead in her tracks. “Go!” Kid screamed, wrestling the man on top of him. “I'll catch up to you! Go!”

She gave an unsure nod, and bolted out of the door, the chubby man behind her not relenting. The guard the man on the walkie had called Charlie rounded the corner, and was prompted by Kid's raspy-voiced subduer to call the police, to which he happily obliged. “Oh we got you good, punk. We got you real good,” the man on top of him mused, with breath that reeked of whiskey and chili dogs.


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767 Reviews


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Wed Jun 04, 2014 2:02 am
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hello Cowboy, Wolf here for a review.

Even though I won't specifically point out nitpicks, I will go over a few. First, towards the end of this, I noticed a few unecissary interjections of information. For example:
"As (Kid's) fate would have it, however, the door flew open once again, noticeably startling Michelle."
The 'Kid's' in parenthesis is not really needed, and it just ruins the flow of the sentence. It made me back up and think, Wait a second, why is this here? I would recommend just to cut it out, since the sentence would still make sense without it.

In the very beginning, I was completely confused on who was talking when. (Please note, I have not read the previous chapter to this, so some things I point out may have been answered previously). It took me a little bit to realize what the names of the characters were, so I would suggest just to put a tag on the first two parts if dialogue, with their names included.

So, I understand this is in third person, but I'm am quite confused in whether it is third person limited or omniscient. I would suggest to try and maybe add a little more of the characters thoughts, like maybe how it felt for Kid to be holding up that heavy door for so long. I was under the impression that he just walked away from that fine, even though most people couldn't just walk away without so much as a groan or even feeling a strain.

I did like your attention to detail and how you described the scenery. For the most part, I could understand and see where these two are. Your interacts are pretty believable, though I have to agree that their personalities are a bit vague, and the trek to the school was a little too drawn out. Attention to detail is nice, but be careful not to over due it.

Overall, this was nice and enjoyable, and once I was able to force myself to read it thoroughly, I thought you did quite well in this. Some tweaking here and there will make it much better. Hope to see more, Keep Writing,
~Wolfare




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Tue Jun 03, 2014 1:21 am
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Prokaryote wrote a review...



The ending skeeved me out. Whiskey and hot dogs; sweeter perfume the world has never known.

(I realize I'm coming into a story already in motion, so I apologize if I miss or misinterpret anything.)

I feel you've something here, if only a skeleton -- there's no reason the scene shouldn't work, in concept at least, but construction leaves something to be desired. You spend the first half describing travel; almost entirely you're mired in the spatial. The problem is that the duo's not in severe danger until they reach the three-quarter point of the chapter. That's where the real dramatic conflict of the scene lies. But if that's the case, why waste time on the text preceding? There are times it's more apt to tell than show, and I would drastically condense the runaround until they get to the school, when you ought to open the emotional floodgates and intensify the arguing between the two, if only to further heighten the risk of discovery. This will be the perfect opportunity to expand on their relationship and draw sharper contrasts between the characters. As it is I didn't get a strong impression from either personality. I understand Michelle doesn't trust Kid, and I see Kid is exasperated with Michelle, but beyond that they're vague. You might also include more of Kid's internal monologue; up his emotional stakes, make me empathize with him.

He never realized toddlers needed such a fancy place to converse.


Nice line, and I appreciated the "Elementary School War" bit. Relevant and funny.

(Incidentally, this -- the urban chase, the protector and the witless girl -- reminded me of The Tribe, a New Zealand post-apocalyptic teen soap opera I watched once. You should check it out.)

Well... I don't know if you've ever had homemade ice cream, but it'll tuckle your timmy; er -- tickle your tummy, that's for the sure.






Thank you for the in-depth review. You're right, your ideas are really good and make tons of sense, and it's something I never really thought about for that part. To be fair, however, it's because I already know the character's backgrounds and personalities. It's sometimes kinda easy to forget that the reader doesn't yet.

But also, you do get to see more of who they are later on, but yeah, it should definitely be established in the beginning.

And thanks yet again, I'm glad that part brought some humor and enjoyment, considering I didn't really like this chapter too much, as I've always felt it was missing something, but you planted a little seed in my head, and I'm definitely going to see what I can come up with.

I've never heard of that, but I love that kind of stuff, so I'll definitely check it out :D

Wait, I thought timmy tuckling was illegal? (I don't even know what kind of joke I was going for there, but I'm just gonna leave it because backspacing is for chumps! and sensible people)




it's ok, death by laughter was always how i've wanted to go out
— Carina