Young Writers Society

Alright, and we're here at the last chapter (so far)!

Okay, wow, you move through fighting scenes at lightning speeds. I like, however, that in this style of fighting, there are lots of pauses, like when Surette pauses with her on her knee, one arm out in a punch, one by her side. Giving us those strong poses and pauses help the reader not get lost in a flurry of movement that might look fine on screen, but gets too tangled up when you try to describe everything in text.

It will also read better when you go through and edit apart all the sentences you've accidentally squished together -- that way the periods will also serve as pauses for the readers when we're reading and we will feel like we're getting all the information!

The halls were a bit more crowded now than before we had to start pushing our way though the crowded halls some flew others walked.

What?! You lost me. I thought she got knocked out and Valaine brought her back to her room, but suddenly they are walking through the hallways again? Check the passage of time in this section, please!

HEY! What's going on here?! It looks like the story with The Authority is WAY more important than just a passing mention. Do you think it would be useful to your story to start with this -- to actually let the reader move through the awesome story of them disbanding the authority, seeing Jericho fall into the old patterns (or not seeing) and Valaine leaving? I mean, this is all pretty important and it would also serve well to set up the sense of the Villain Academy before ripping us away from it. I feel like that would be a more relaxed way to introduce characters and stuff instead of trying to info dump it on us later~

Of course, I don't know what the structure of this novel is going to be like, and whether spending time on that up front would be absurd, but from what I've read, I feel like it would be good to actually write out that period in time instead of have it all come through Valaine info dumpin'.

And at last, you're wondering me about another name. So many names. ;_; You, the author, can know all of them (the student names and common names), but give us just the ones we need to know (I liked just learning White Noise by that name. I would have forgotten her common one anyway).

Again, if you have questions or comments about my review, PM or reply here~
Good luck and keep writing!

Hannah

Okay, it looks like this piece could use my "special touch".

You've got quite a few run-on sentences in there- which I'll explain shortly.

I took a deep breath and looked at her, her expression hasn’t changed but I did notice the lighting has become dinner.

Freeze it right there. That comma should probably be swapped for a semicolon (one of these or a full stop. And unless I'm mistaken, you weren't trying to imply that the lighting became a three-course meal. Change "dinner" to "dimmer" and it's all good.

heightened senses made you stronger and faster and faster reflexes

No need to have "faster" twice in the same sentence, so just get rid of the phrase in bold letters.

I stumble back, the hit hurting

She starts punching me quickly in rapid succession

Redundant phrase spotted; away with it!

I somehow I knew I was beginning to loss control of the black magic I was using.

Nix the "I" after "somehow". And "loss" is a noun; I suspect you meant to say "lose" here.

Before I forget, there's something you should clear up in the beginning.

face off with the Leader of the Heralds, Lucifer.

This may be because I'm jumping in at Part Three, but who is Lucifer? The narrator? In that case, my apologies; perhaps you could change this to "face off with me"?

Okay, now to wrap this up. You have an interesting premise here, and I'll make sure to read the other parts. Keep at it and have fun.