DANIEL CRAWFORD WAS slumped at his desk in the dim light of sunset. Textbooks, notebooks, letters, pens, and a laptop were spread before him, untouched. His steel blue eyes were encircled with red and his cheeks were moist as he gazed at the framed photograph gripped in his hand.
Andrew J. Crawford, US Army soldier from Oregon…
In the photograph, two grinning twenty-year old men were standing next to each other. They were identical in every way- their sapphire eyes, light hair, narrow noses, and straight eyebrows were the same. They were also clad in matching gray and khaki camouflage uniforms. A cinnamon-colored horse was nuzzling one of the young men’s shoulders.
…has been serving the United States of America dutifully in Afghanistan since October of this year…
The young man on the left was Daniel. His twin brother, Andrew, was next to the horse. They had just returned home from a basic combat training camp. Daniel remembered having very sore muscles and joints from the weeks of instructions and drills. He never understood why the arduous ten week camp had been labeled as “basic.” After only a few days of relaxation at home, the twins had planned to leave home again and attend advanced individual training to obtain specific skills.
…It is with extreme sadness that I notify you, Andrew’s family, and his friends…
Daniel had strapped on his motorcycle helmet and sped down the road to his girlfriend’s house right after the picture had been taken. As he raced down the undulating road, he had daydreamed about Beth, the girl in the little green house. After a few minutes had passed, he caught a glimpse of the apple-green house and increased his already excessive velocity. That was when the red truck had rolled out onto the road.
…of the agonizing truth that as of Friday, December 12th …
He didn’t recall much after seeing that green house. There was the colossal carmine truck, looming directly before him, then nothing. He didn’t even remember any pain. When he woke up the next day, the doctors had told him he was lucky. A motorcycle accident like that should have killed him. But he didn’t feel fortunate, especially when they told him he was going to have his right leg amputated below the knee.
He remembered seeing Andrew standing in the doorway of the hospital room, still wearing his camouflage uniform. At that moment, Daniel had realized that Andrew, his brother and friend for life, would be leaving for war without him. Andrew approached the bed to confirm the fact. When Daniel awoke again a couple days later, his leg was gone. So was his brother.
…Andrew has been filed as missing in action after a severe landmine accident…
The agonizing truth. It was as if he had collided with the red truck for a second time, only this time it was twenty times worse. The letter was clear enough. Andrew was dead.
Daniel set the photograph back on his desk as fresh tears welled up in his eyes. Seven months had slipped away since the photo had been taken. It had been seven months of agony without a leg and without his brother at his side. And now his twin brother had been permanently ripped from the earth. He would never see him again. He felt a desperate sadness surface within his heart. Half of him was gone, and he didn't feel that the remaining half was worth struggling for.
His iPhone buzzed. It was Beth. Daniel didn't answer.
The night wore on and Daniel remained rooted at his desk, staring out the window into a dismal void. There was hardly anything to observe but the vague silhouettes of birch and oak trees against the deep, violet sky. Once in a while the impatient filly from the nearest stable would whinny. Daniel had long ago grown used to the horses, the sounds they made, and the care they required. They had become an ordinary part of his life that did not require any special attention. To many visitors, the tremendous animals were remarkable to observe and ride, but to him they were just horses. He liked them, but it had been Andrew who loved them. Andrew, who would never be able to caress or mount his beloved horses again.
Finally, after over an hour of somber contemplation, Daniel's exhausted body compelled him to collapse into bed. Prior to settling in, he slipped his prosthetic leg off; again, he was reminded of his misfortunes. If he had to have lost a leg, why couldn't he have lost it in the war, with Andrew?
The black weight of sleep gradually began to settle over him. But someone, or something, aroused him. Another presence had entered his room. Daniel sat up and turned his head. He saw a man standing against the far wall of his bedroom. Daniel was startled. “Who-who are you?” he asked, gazing at the man with trepidation.
The man smiled, a calm expression in his eyes. A luminous, golden hue radiated from his white robes, enabling Daniel to observe the man in the darkness. He had short brown curls and a fresh, young face. His nose was narrow and his hazel eyes sparkled. When he proceeded to speak, his white teeth shone brilliantly under his curved lips. “Hello, Daniel.”
“Who are you?” Daniel inquired again.
The man patiently replied, “I’m Matthew. I’ve been sent from God to notify you of your brother’s misfortune.”
“I know,” Daniel blurted, “he’s dead.”
“No,” Matthew said, grinning. “He is alive.”
Daniel froze. “He… he didn’t die in the explosion?”
“Incredibly, no.”
“Is- is he okay?’ Daniel flung the bedsheets off and watched Matthew intently. His desperate yearning for his brother overcame the doubts he held for this strange man who had appeared in his room.
“That is what I have been sent here to tell you,” Matthew explained, now grim. “He isn’t going to have much of a chance unless you are there to help him.”
“Unless I am... where? Afghanistan?”
“No, not there. Sam knows. He will help you find your brother.”
“Sam?”
Matthew smiled again. He glanced down at Daniel’s desk. Reaching down, he picked up Daniel's phone and held it in his palm. He traced his thumb over its smooth surface, grinning. “How can humans become so addicted to these little things?” He shrugged and tossed the phone to Daniel. “Check the message.”
Daniel looked down and saw that he had, indeed, a new message. It was from Beth. “Um…” He lifted his head again, about to ask another question.
But the man was gone. The room was black without the friendly light that Matthew had supplied.
Daniel rubbed his temples and stared across the room, absorbing what had just occurred.
He noticed the framed photograph of his brother and him, illuminated by a small shaft of moonlight seeping through the window. If what Matthew had said was true, his brother was alive, after all. He breathed deeply, looked back down, and listened to the message on his phone.
“Daniel!” Beth exclaimed, her excited voice bursting from the phone. “Oh, Daniel! You aren’t going to believe it! There was this advertisement on the radio a few days ago and they were giving out two free plane tickets to Canada. You can probably already guess what happened, but, to make a long story short, I entered the code online and they just called me, telling me we’d won! We won, Daniel! We won two free plane tickets to Canada! I know you’ve already been but this is supposed to be an incredibly beautiful part of the country, and oh, guess what? We’ll be staying in this adorable little cabin in the foothills, too. We’re getting free tours by this man named Sam who’s lived there forever and owns the cabin. It’s going to be so much fun! We can go any time we’d like, so I’m thinking about going in the spring so it can warm up a little. Easter break, maybe? I know that that won’t be for a while, but that will give us plenty of time to plan. I’m so excited! Call me back soon, Daniel! We’re going to Canada!”
“Canada,” Daniel whispered. He glanced at the photograph again, a slight smile spreading on his face.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Ordadus- Chapter TwoPoints:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hi there! Noelle back again for another Review Day review!
I really like this chapter. Do you want to know why? It's because we learn more about Andrew. He's no longer this mysterious man who fell out of the sky and landed in some other world. Now he's a boy who went away to war and stepped on a mine. But he's alive which is all that matters.
I think it's quite unique how you reveal this all to us through Daniel's eyes. I don't see that often. It's much more interesting, in my opinion, to find out all about Andrew through his brother's eyes. It's dramatic irony, something that I like to use a lot in my own writing. That's probably why I like it. Anyway, now we know so much more about Andrew than we did before. And I can go back to where he is now and feel like I know him.
Ah, now everything is starting to come together. That was one of the things I was going to mention in an earlier review, but decided not to. Good thing I didn't! So Sam is coming back into the story now and so is Matthew.
Now, I do have one thing to say about the whole scene with Matthew. Wouldn't Daniel be at least a bit suspicious? I mean, this man just appeared in his bedroom claiming God sent him. Even someone who is a Christian would at least be a bit freaked out, don't you think? Daniel seems to accept this a bit too quickly in my opinion.
Overall another good chapter here. It's nice to see things from someone else's perspective and see what's going on out there in the "real world". Off we go to Canada!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Thank you so much Noelle!!! Wow, you reviewed really fast!
Thank you so much for your informative reviews!!!!
Greetings, my friend.
I realise this review is long overdue, but I am here to pay my debt.
This is a beautiful sentence, and I hate to spoil it, but the skin around the eyes are what becomes red after too much rubbing, not the actual eye itself. This is my advised replacement:
~ "His steel blue eyes were encircled with red and his cheeks were moist as he gazed at the framed photograph gripped in his hand."
Writing it like that, you change as little of the sentence as is necessary and you still have the same effect. Also, I changed a to the, as the reader can guess of whom the photograph is, even before the next paragraph reveals the answer.
I understood what you meant here, but nuzzle means "to burrow or root with the nose, snout, etc."
~ "A cinnamon-colored horse was nuzzling one of the young man’s shoulders."
Also, as there are two men in the picture, you cannot say man. (Well, I suppose you could, it simply won't be grammatically correct.
It was at this point that I forgot to continue reviewing, so enthralled was I by your work.
I love these sentences! Expertly written, they are.
I love these sentences as well!
Technically, sentences should not be ended with prepositions, and I have been trying to apply this rule to all of my writing and speaking, as well as encouraging others to do the same, but I find that some sentences simply sound too awkward when written this way. I have therefore decided that whilst avoiding end-of-sentence-prepositions is advisable, it is also optional.
I really enjoy how your usage of short sentences emphasises Daniel's feeling of numbness.
I think you meant to say asked. Also, you just extended my vocabulary!
I fitting conclusion, I think.
Wow, Wolfie! :O This is the best work you have produced yet! To the pigeons with school projects, I should have read this ages ago! Reviews can look so negative when you see all the "mistakes" which are pointed out, but in this case, they were minor. I am deeply impressed by the maturity of this chapter and the skill with which it was written. I especially liked your adding the snippets of the letter in between the narrative - an ingenious technique.
I should rate this chapter six stars, were that allowed, but as it is not, a measly amount of five stars will have to suffice. I shall, however, say this:
Spoiler
I lift my hat to you, my lady, and every moment that I want to continue reading but cannot, shall be a reader and a fan's hell. (Excuse my language.)
Rating for this text:
sixfive stars (absolutely superlative!x12)Wow... I shall write a proper reply to this when I get home!
Yay! I'm so happy that you think so highly of this chapter. Thank you so much for all your kind words and suggestions; you truly made my day. Haha that's kind of a weird phrase when you think of it: "you made my day!" Anyway, you truly did, and I thank you for that!
And of course, thank you for that list of biblical names you sent earlier. It helped a lot when choosing a new name for Gabriel/Daniel.
I am happy to have helped you, and everything I wrote in this review is the truth. I just hope others feel the same way. If not, they should read the second to last sentence of my spoiler.
Hey there! Cricket here for a review!!
WOW, I'm absolutely astounded! The way you kept everything flowing and the showed his emotions so well. It is truly incredible. I absolutely love how you're bringing in the spiritual side of things.Tons of writers won't even bother with that. And this Mathew guy has to be like an angel right? I mean..lol..you sure did describe him like an angel.
I especially love how you put these in-between paragraphs. It moves it along and seems to give an emotional side to it. Very nice.
But I'm gonna do some nitpicks REAL quick..OK?
NITPICKS!!!!!
Sorry, if this is stupid, but I don't think this needs to capitalized.
Sorry, for cutting out so much, but I personally thought this was too big to be just one paragraph. I put in bold where I thought you should split it. Hope you don't mind such a big section being cut out.
What had just occurred. I think that word should be added.
I'm really sorry if this review is short, but I'm running short on time now. But I'm going to go to your club. I really like this story!
Anyway, hope I helped!!
Oops, I forgot to reply to this!! Thank you so much; you helped a lot! Yes, Matthew is an angel.
I'm glad you appreciate the religious elements.
If anyone is interested in joining the club for this novel and haven't already, here is the link:
clubs/1896/about
Thanks
I thought your short story or excerpt was very well complete. The words you used to describe everything were extremely fitting and helped one picture the setting and moods better. In the story i felt like i knew what was going to happen though, there was no sense of fear or anxiety. In the future i would work on the element of surprise and adding bits and pieces of important information slowly to a story to get a better reaction out of the reader. However, that being said, I found it quite random that a messenger of God was sent to Gabriel and was named Matthew. The bit of humor you put in though about the IPhone was a good touch to help with the randomness. Overall i enjoyed it! Good luck with your writing career!
Thank you! If you read the prologue, which I dont think you did, you would have understood the bit about Matthew a little better. With the whole Matthew/Gabriel thing, did you mean that it was kind of backwards? I understand if that is so.
I'll will be sure to follow your advice; thanks for the follow!
And, by the way, I see that you didn't realize that this is a chapter from a book I'm writing. The prologue and chapters one and two are listed on the right. Some things will be clearer if you read the other parts, too. Thanks!
Gabriel is now Daniel!