z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Castor's Tale Chapter 4 Part 2 - Castor's Confrontation with Miles

by Messenger


Miles watched, heart beating, and pained, as Kalan slowly limped forward. His father rushed for him, as did Marshall Deston. The guards followed in suit. As his father reached him, Kalan completely collapsed. Mister Greene just caught him before he hit the ground.

“Kalan! What happened! Who did this!” he said, anger swelling in his chest.

Miles was having a hard time breathing, and it didn’t have to do with the fact that he had been running for several miles. He muttered to himself: “Castor couldn’t have done this. Could she? Could she really have been this angry at him?”

Deston helped Greene carry Kalan to the horses. He cried out in pain as he was practically dragged. Miles could see that he didn’t even attempt to walk. Miles stepped forward now. He looked over Kalan.

The twisted arm was the biggest concern. Miles un-intentionally shivered as he looked at the grotesque wound. Kalan’s wrist was majorly higher than his hand. It was obviously broken.

“Shattered clear through, I’m guessing. Let me see if his legs are injured badly.” Miles said, squatting down.

Although the pants were torn and dusty, not to mention splotched with dried blood, there didn’t look to be any breaks or fractures. “Lots of cuts and bruises. They should be fine though.”

Deston nodded to the guards. “Get him up on a horse. He needs to see the doctor quickly.”

Together, so as not to hurt him, the soldiers lifted Kalan’s battered body on the horse. His broken wrist brushed against the horse's neck when they lowered him into the saddle, causing him to moan loudly.

Miles felt horrible. He had never had a broken arm, but it was blatantly obvious that this was very, very painful. He winced as Kalan whimpered when they turned the horse around. Mister Greene moved to be next to him. He was unsure of what to do, and yet wanted to do something. Miles noticed the look in his eyes of miserable helplessness.

“Mister Greene, please, can we use your shirt to make a temporary cast for Kalan?” he asked.

Mister Greene nodded, quickly unbuttoning the grubby shirt. He then, with Deston’s help, tied it around Kalan’s shoulder and under his arm. Kalan cried out once, and then fell silent. Miles wouldn’t be surprised if he had fainted.

When the cast was made, the group moved out slowly. Despite the pace set, the slight bouncing still sent pain up Kalan’s arm, and he cried silently. Miles’ heart ached. Even though these injuries weren’t fatal, seeing someone in so much pain hurt him.

It took a good half-hour to get Kalan back to the village. Miles felt tired after the trip. Even though he was conditioned, running the whole way there was a little tiring, and having to listen to Kalan moaning in pain the whole way back was very mentally exhausting.

When they reached the village, Deston ordered his guards to get the doctor. His house was on the far side of the village, and when they arrived at his house, the doctor was already waiting inside with the two guards.

Gently, Deston and Greene helped Kalan get in the building. There was a hanging lamp, as well as two open windows to provide light for the doctor to see everything clearly. Three beds were laid out in the first room, and Kalan was led to the middle one.

He had woken up and was wincing and muttering curses under his breath. The doctor, an older man with balding hair, but still with the steadiest hands in the village, smiled at him.

“Hello Kalan. Let’s see what we have here.” He turned to the others. “If you don’t mind, I’d like to do this alone.”

Everyone quickly cleared out, shutting the door behind them. Miles stood near the horses, unsure of what to do. He could stay here and wait. He wasn’t sure why he would do that. He didn’t like Kalan, and yet he felt bad for him. However, he also wanted to speak to Castor and speak to her.

He decided to leave. He knew that resetting the bone was going to be an excruciatingly painful experience for Kalan, and he wanted to be as far away as he could at the time. He had no doubt there would some very loud yelling.

He hurried down the street to where it turned to the left, towards Ray’s house, where Castor said she was doing laundry. He spotted her in the backyard of the one-story, stone cottage with a thatch roof. Ray was nowhere to be seen.

Miles opened the small, white wicker fence. Castor looked up from where she was taking clothes down from a laundry line hanging between the cottage and a tree. She saw Miles and quickly resumed her job.

Miles stopped when he reached her, hands in his pocket, unsure of how to begin. Castor didn’t seem to care to initiate the conversation. Finally he worked up the courage, and blurted out: “Kalan’s been injured really bad!”

Castor inclined her head slightly towards him. “And? Why should I care?”

Miles rolled his eyes. “Well I knew you were angry at him . . . I thought maybe . . . look, he’s hurt really bad, and I want to know if you did it.”

Castor suddenly seemed very intent on doing the best folding job she could. She ignored Miles’ stare, and began to make sure the shirt she was folding was done just right. Miles noticed the rest of the clothes had been rather loosely folded.

She said nothing.

“Come on, Castor, this is-“

A muffled scream emitted from the direction of the doctor’s house. Castor and Miles both jumped at the sound.

“What was that?” She asked, still quite busy with the clothes she was folding.

Miles sighed. “That was Kalan. His wrist was broken very badly, and the doctor must’ve just reset it.”

Castor was visibly shaken by that. “Broken? How?” Her voice came out a softer then she intended. “I mean, I don’t really care, but I’d rather have gotten back at him myself.” She rubbed her jaw, before folding a new shirt.

Miles sighed inwardly. Castor wouldn’t have acted like this unless she had something to do with it. She felt distant and uncaring, but at the same time, fake. “Castor, did you attack Kalan?”

She glanced at him and then looked away. “It was an accident, Miles. I just meant to teach him a lesson!”

“What did you do to him! He looked like he was launched out of a catapult or something!” Miles rarely got this excited over something, but it was a serious thing that Castor had done.

“I said it was an accident!” Her tone took a defensive stance. “I had no idea he was going to be riding a horse!”

Miles rolled his eyes. “What do people generally ride, Castor? You mean you tripped his horse or something?”

She threw the shirt on the ground. “Look, I thought he was going to be running, OK! His horse is sick.”

“And how did you find that out? Eavesdropping?”

Castor’s face was turning red, as was Miles. “Look Miles, it was an accident! And it‘s his fault for being a jerk in the first place!”

“Oh come on!” Miles said, “Don’t act like you haven’t inflicted as much hate on him as he has on you!”

Castor turned on him. “I have only ever acted in defense!”

“Like punching him this morning!”

Castor said nothing, knowing that what he said was true. Miles took the chance to take a breath and calm himself down. He spoke slowly and deliberately. “Look Castor, forget about any of the stuff in the past between you two. You could have killed him.”

Castor growled. “Shut up! I’m not stupid! I already said it was an accident!”

With that she stormed out of the yard, leaving Miles standing alone. He stood silently for a good few minutes, trying to collect his thoughts. Finally, knowing that things at the inn were going to be awkward tonight, he slowly walked away, hands in his pockets.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1007 Reviews


Points: 13831
Reviews: 1007

Donate
Sun May 25, 2014 9:40 pm
TimmyJake wrote a review...



Timmy here again for a review!!

Nitpicks

Kalan’s wrist was majorly higher than his hand


I don't think that "majorly" is the right word for it.... Perhaps way? or something similar?

un-intentionally


One word, I think. Ditch the hyphen for unintentionally.

not to mention splotched with dried blood, there didn’t look to be any breaks or fractures.


You should either add a "but" after the comma, or begin a new sentence, because the way it is worded makes it seem like it should be two sentences.

When the cast was made, the group moved out slowly


Wait... This guy just wrapped this around his arm as a sling? His arm is broken, not sprained! It doesn't make sense for him to be doing that... It would really hurt. Seems pointless.

Gently, Deston and Greene helped Kalan get in the building


Starting a sentence with an adjective is okay for your first draft, but you should cut them out. Put the adjective where it should go, describing what happened... So maybe"

Deston and Green gently helped Kalan get in the building. Perhaps something along those lines?

He decided to leave. He knew that resetting the bone was going to be an excruciatingly painful experience for Kalan, and he wanted to be as far away as he could at the time. He had no doubt there would some very loud yelling.


What you need to do here is switch around the sentence opening. Redundancy can be a pain sometimes, but it needs to be weeded out. In this case, just try alternative sentence openings instead of having them all begin with "He"

Comments

Wow. I was speechless. I hadn't put it fully together until I finished this chapter. Castor had done this to Kalan... as payback?

She has made a bigggg booboo. Now there is going to be tension between all of them, and sooner or later, she will have to apologize. Welll... she will be given the chance, but will she take it?
That is yet to be decided for her.

The thing I didn't like was that she didn't take responsibility for it. She acted as though it just happened, and had nothing to do with her. There are things that she needs to learn.

Amazing job, once again. Simply amazing.
~Darth Timmyjake




User avatar
187 Reviews


Points: 13001
Reviews: 187

Donate
Tue May 13, 2014 12:19 pm
View Likes
PeanutPhoebe wrote a review...



You're finally writing fast enough to satisfy me! LOL. So, I'm not really gonna say much about the typos and stuff, since @Wolfie36 already covered all that. I can't believe you have this out already! The typos is understandable since you wrote it so quickly. So, something I noticed. None of your paragraphs are indented! I don't remember if you did this with other chapters, but I didn't notice. Is that on purpose or something? Idk. So, I like where you're going with Miles character, and the way he's kinda shy, but he still stands up to his wayward sister. This chapter was very interesting, showing a little more of Castor than just anger. It really shows how she does have a bit of regret and good in her yet. Of course, since you wrote it so quickly, this chapter seems kind of awkwardly worded in most places. It just doesn't....flow right. But your storyline is great! Keep going!




Messenger says...


It feels awkward, eh. As in HOW I wrote it, or WHAT I wrote? Indented?



PeanutPhoebe says...


HOW



Messenger says...


any examples or suggestions?



User avatar
1634 Reviews


Points: 67548
Reviews: 1634

Donate
Tue May 13, 2014 3:49 am
View Likes
Deanie wrote a review...



Messenger,

You are posting so fast D: That's a good thing though! Anyways, the confrontation chapter. It was pretty good and it was kind of annoying to see the way Castor acted, almost as if she didn't care most of the time. I did expect her to be a bit more sorry for what she had done, but then again you can't really change someone's character can you?

I thought Miles did a good job of being angry, but when Castor stormed off he just walked away, back to the inn. I thought he might be wondering whether it would be just to tell anyone Castor did it, or if he should be a loyal sibling and not land her in trouble. I would've liked to see those conflicting thoughts as he strolled away, because well, it's a difficult position for Miles to be in and it would be good to see. Time for nitpicks!

Miles watched, heart beating, and pained, as Kalan slowly limped forward.


Hmm, I thought this sentence could've just been written better. Miles watched, his heart beating quickly, as Kalan limped forwards. (You mentioned pained... but pained by what? Pained by simply seeing how tragic Kalan's wounds were?)

house was on the far side of the village, and when they arrived at his house,


Repetition here again! I would just cut out the three words 'at his house' because when they arrived kind of brings across the message in itself.

However, he also wanted to speak to Castor and speak to her.


I don't think you meant for the last four words to really be there :P

Miles stopped when he reached her, hands in his pocket


I think you mean pockets here. It's kind of hard to fit both hands into one.

She felt distant and uncaring, but at the same time, fake.


Ah, I am thinking when you write this you are telling us Mile's thoughts. If you are, then felt is not the right word. She was acting distant and uncaring, but at the same time, Miles could see it was fake. That just makes it more clear that this is his own thought process about he way Castor was acting.

“What did you do to him! He looked like he was launched out of a catapult or something!” Miles rarely got this excited over something


Remember, the first sentence is a question, so that should really be a question mark. Also, maybe excited is the wrong word to use? Miles rarely got this pent up about something? Maybe that works?

As a chapter goes, this one is brilliant and I don't have much time so I think I will wrap up this review here. Keep up the good writing ^.^ I am looking forwards to what Jeric might say about this ordeal...

Deanie x




Messenger says...


Haha i am laughing at some of this. The part about arriving at the doctor's house, was because a previous reviewer thought that part to be confusing. But I can see it is repetitive.
And . . . HOW DO YOU KNOW HOW BIG MY POCKETS ARE! XDDDDD

What do you think of having exclamation points over question marks? I've seen and heard that you can use them, if it is obviously a question, but it has a lot of emotion.


New chapter should be out tomorrow >_>

~Messenger <_<



Deanie says...


Tomorrow! DD:

You should've been sleeping by the time I posted this you know >.>

I think questions should ALWAYS have question marks. But then, if you want to show they were shouting it or whatever, then you can do that in the tag. Like, Miles shouted or whatever, so you get that they are shouting a question...



User avatar
440 Reviews


Points: 6836
Reviews: 440

Donate
Tue May 13, 2014 12:40 am
View Likes
Wolfi wrote a review...



Woah! Talk about speed writing!!!! I hereby crown you as a professional Speed Writer!

As His father reached him

I'm pretty sure Kalan isn't God. "His" shouldn't be capitalized.
“Kalan! What happened! Who did this!”

"What happened? Who did this?
Kalan’s wrist was majorly higher than his hand.

Wha...?
“Shattered clear through, I’m guessing. Let me see if his legs are injured badly.” Miles said, squatting down.

Is Miles a doctor or something? Why does he think he can just examine Kalan all over?
He moaned loudly when they placed him on the saddle, as his broken wrist bumped against the horse's neck.

I understand what you are trying to say, but this is worded oddly. Maybe this would work better: "His broken wrist brushed-" (if it had bumped I believe he would have screamed in oppose to moaned) "-against the horse's neck when they lowered him into the saddle, causing him to moan loudly."
whole way back, was very mentally exhausting.

No comma ;)
When they reached the village, Deston ordered his guards to get the doctor. His house was on the far side of the village, and when they arrived, the doctor was already waiting inside with the two guards.

Clarify what's going on here. Who's house? Arrived where?
He had woken up, and was wincing and muttering curses under his breath.

No comma and when had he fallen asleep in the first place?
But, he also wanted to see where Castor was, and speak to her.

Another comma/structure issue. "However, he also wanted to speak to Castor," would fit fine.
He spotted her in the backyard of the one-story, stone cottage with a thatch roof.

This is kind of like the horse's nose issue. :D It sounds like Castor is carrying a thatched roof.
the small white wicker fence

Comma after "small."
between the cottage, and a tree.

No comma :)
It was an accident Miles

Comma after "accident."
“What did you do to him!

Quotation mark.
obviously knowing that what he said

This sounds like it was obvious that she knew Miles was right. I don't think you meant it that way.
Phew.
Ok....
You did very well on this chapter. Yes, there were a lot of mistakes, but they were minor and fixable. You did a good job expressing Mile's feelings and Castor's stubbornness was characterized very well. Can't wait for the next section! Keep up the speed writing, but check your chapters well! ;)




Messenger says...


OK, lemme first reply to your opening "typos"

The His, was completely unintentional, LOL
It is acceptable to use exclamation points in place of question marks, I am pretty sure.
The wrist part may seem weird, but I described it correctly. Mr brother's wrist was broken, and boy was it weird!
Miles isn't a doctor, but everyone back then would have some sense of the injuries, and Miles has a small interest in medicine (remember the poultice for the bee sting)

I'll get on those other typos when I edit.Thanks for the review wolfie!

~Messenger
~Messenger



Wolfi says...


Got it!! You're welcome, Speed Writer!



Messenger says...


Is that like my new nickname? :)



Wolfi says...


Only if you want it to be



Messenger says...


indeed i do!



Wolfi says...


Very well then!



Wolfi says...


Actually, I like King of Speed better. It's kinda like the King of Spades. xD



User avatar
557 Reviews


Points: 33593
Reviews: 557

Donate
Mon May 12, 2014 11:20 pm
View Likes
Ventomology wrote a review...



Hmmm... Much better. Thank you.

First, nitpicks:

“Lots of cuts and bruises. They should fine though.”
You can figure this one out on your own.
Even though these injuries weren’t fatal, to see someone in so much pain, hurt him.
I'd word the second half differently, like, 'seeing someone in so much pain hurt him.'

And... that's it really. For technique, I think you went overboard with the adverbs this week, often in places where a longer phrase or a stronger verb would have sounded better. At other times though, you actually used very strong verbs, so I can't complain too much. :)

Also, there are a lot of excess commas. I know you want to put them in all the places where we pause in speaking, but you can't disobey the rules! Not unless we can all agree on where to dump official English grammar--maybe a blackhole?

Other than that... very nice. I saw great visual description, though the lack of poetic devices was slightly saddening. (Hint hint) It's probably okay to be all uber straight forward for Miles's narrations though, because he seems like that kind of person.

I'll be back next week! MUHAHAHAHA!
-Buggie




Messenger says...


you may be back sooner. I'm on a roll :P Glad I caught most of the typos! I will never win the battle against commas. But! I will definitely try to catch the excess ones! Thanks for the fat review!

~Messenger




If I feel physically as if the top of my head were taken off, I know that is poetry.
— Emily Dickinson