Published April 28, 2014
Running through the woods quickly, Castor arrived at a spot where a dusty trail narrowed between two massive oaks. She pulled the rope she’d been carrying off of her shoulder and looked for a good place to secure it. Her plan was simple, but a good way to get back at Kalan.
She looked around quickly. She had time, but not enough to waster by standing around. She quickly tied the rope to a sapling on the right side of the trail, and then ran to the other. She laid the rope on the ground and covered it with dirt and leaves so that it was invisible from someone coming down the path.
Castor then looped it around a tree branch and dragged it back across the trail, covering it once more in dirt and leaves. She then picked up her knife and scooted into the underbrush, waiting for Kalan to come along. He’ll enjoy this. And regret attacking me, when his face is in the ground!
A buzz behind her made her spin, and she saw a large bumblebee buzzing on a nearby flower, obviously enjoy the feast of pollen within. Just as long as you don’t sting me. Castor wasn’t sure how much time she had. Kalan had said that he was going to eat and then take the horseshoes to Mr. McTacosh. This was the only trail to the McTacosh farm, so unless Kalan decided to try to take a shortcut through the woods, he had to come down this trail. And then Castor would pull the string and trip him. It shouldn’t rough him up too bad, but it would possibly scare him.
The buzzing behind Castor was really annoying her. The hair on the back of her neck was raised. She really didn’t want the bee to come any closer. I hate bees! Get away you stupid thing! Last time she had been stung it had been a bad ordeal. Castor slowly turned as she felt something brush against her neck. But it was just a fly.
Then the bee came back. Groaning at her luck, she was about to shift positions, when she heard a horse coming. Looking through the foliage Castor made out . . . Kalan? But he’s supposed to be on foot! She couldn’t go through with it now. If she tripped the horse she could very possibly kill Kalan. She smacked her forehead and muttered nothing distinguishable. Kalan approached at a canter and Castor just stared at the place where she knew the rope was hidden. And then-
“Ow!” she yelled, standing up as something stung her neck. Then another. And a third! She tried swinging her arms back to squash the evil bug, not even realizing that she was still holding the rope in her hands. He spun on her heels and watched as Kalan’s steed clip-clopped right into the rope that was now taut, four inches above the ground.
Castor just watched, barely feeling the pain in her neck, as the horse stumbled forward onto it’s belly, and Kalan was launched like an arrow out of the saddle. He yelled and flailed his arm as he did a somersault in the air. He crashed to the ground with a hard thud. Sliced the rope from the sapling and yanked it away from the trail. With that she was off and running.
Thorns and twigs slapped her face as she ran. Now I’ve done it! Her neck stung and itched at the same time and the rope kept on catching on roots and shrubbery. Finally, nearly mad from all the pain at once, Castor tossed the rope aside, tried to itch her neck, but that just made it hurt more.
She ran withal her speed. Not again! Why do bees hate ME? What did I do to them? She finally broke out of the woods and into the village square. She hit the inn door running and headed straight for the kitchen, ignoring the stare and looks from the customers.
She spotted Miles at the fire and called to him. “I’ve been bit by some bees, where is the poultice you gave me last time this happened?”
He looked up, face white with powder. “Castor, where have you been?”
“Never mind!” she snapped. “Get me the poultice!”
“Okay, just hang on.” He wiped his hands on his apron and dashed into his room which was adjacent to the kitchen. He returned about a minute later. Castor paced back and forth as he threw some leaves and water together, making an awful-looking paste.
“Here,” he said.
She stopped moving and said: “Put it on quickly so I can get the stingers out. It itches really badly.”
Miles applied the cold and mushy moisture It somewhat relieved the pain with it’s coolness. Castor sat there, muttering to herself. Why do bees hate me! I hop Kalan isn’t seriously injured. I could have . . . but it wasn’ t my fault. So I can’t take the blame.
“Ouch,” she said, as Miles unexpectedly pulled a stinger from her neck. Then he pulled the other two. She grabbed a nearby cloth and wiped off the poultice quickly. Then she scratched the back of her neck fast and hard. After a few seconds she leaned against a counter.
“Ah, that feels better. Thanks Miles.” She ruffled his hair. “you’re a good pal.”
He smiled sheepishly. Thanks. But where have you been?”
Castor rubbed the back of her. Where have I been? “uh, I was at Ray’s house helping with laundry when some bees flew through and stung me.”
Miles seemed to accept the answer. “Are you going back?”
Castor nodded. “Yeah, I need to help her finish. Thanks for the help.”
With that she was out the door, before Miles could ask anything else. She began to make her way down the street. A lone horse was trotting down it coming straight in her direction. That was the horse Kalan was riding! Oh Triune, please no! She picked up her pace and turned left down a side street till she reached her friend Ray’s house. And she was doing laundry. Well I didn’t completely lie. She headed for the yard, trying to put Kalan out of her head.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,113 Literary Works • 673,017 Reviews
Timmy here once again! I demand to review them all today!
Nitpicks First, as usualll!!!
Don't tell us that she ran through the woods quickly, show us. The leaves crunching beneath her feet. Branches snapping, etc...
Erm... All of those sentences begin with "she"... Alot of sentences to begin with the same word! Try alternative sentence openings...
Possibly scare him. Possibly? Why not take that out. It makes the whole part seem like nothing. If it only might scare him, then why is she doing it?
Comma after "away"
What sliced the rope? Kalan? Castor? It doesn't tell us!
Comma after "time"
Ummm... yes it is.
Comma after "well"
Comments on story and whatnot.
I was a little disappointed in Castor here. Sure, she wasn't expecting him to be riding a horse, but come ON!! It is still your fault, girl! Step up and take the blame.
I liked this chapter because it told the reader that this girl has weaknesses. Just like everyone else. And just like everyone else, she has a hard time stepping up to take responsibility.
AND THEN SHE LIED.
oh my. Badddd girl! Baddd girl!
I need to see what happens in the next chapter now. You have officially hooked me as a reviewer for your book.
~Darth Timmyjake
Hi there! Finally got around to reading the rest of these chapters. Not really sure why I haven't gotten to theses earlier, but whatever. I'm here now!
So you know that I don't do nitpicks, but I have a few from this chapter. Here you use the word 'buzz' twice in the same sentence. You can just say that bee was circling the flower or hovering over it. But saying 'buzzing' is repetitive.
It's 'stung', not 'bit' ^_^
Alright, so this chapter is pretty good. There is one major concern I have about it though. And I'm going to focus on it for this review 'cause there isn't much else I have to say about this chapter.
So Castor is going to get revenge on Kalan, right? And from what I've understood from previous chapters, they hate each other. Yet all of the sudden, she's super duper concerned about his well being. Wha--did I miss something here? I know that having the horse trip could be a problem, but wouldn't Castor's mind be clouded with anger and revenge? She'd be too caught up in that to worry about him getting hurt. Now if he fell and then she got all upset 'cause he looked really hurt, that would make sense. The guilt would set in then rather than in the beginning.
That's all for this review! I'm moving on to the next chapter now to get over this cliffhanger. How dare you leave us all hanging
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
yes go read the next chapter it'll help clear things up.
Really? Why the cliffhanger??? You can't do that! You just can't!!!!!
.
.
Anyway, let's get down to business. Technicalities:
Running through the woods quickly, Castor arrived at a spot where a dusty trail narrowed between two massive oaks.
Redundant much? If you're running, you're probably fast. And change your article in front of dusty from an 'a' to a 'the'.
She had time, but not enough to waster by standing around.
She had time, but not enough to waste by standing around.
You seem to use 'quickly' to describe a LOT of things. Try expanding your vocabulary...
He yelled and flailed his arm as he did a somersault in the air. He crashed to the ground with a hard thud. Sliced the rope from the sapling and yanked it away from the trail.
Sentence fragment! And vary your sentences. He yelled. He crashed... Varying your sentence structure will make it more interesting
Finally, nearly mad from all the pain at once, Castor tossed the rope aside, tried to itch her neck, but that just made it hurt more.
Nearly mad from all the pain at once, Castor tossed the rope aside and tried to itch her neck, but that just made it hurt more.
You already have a transition, and therefore have no need for the 'finally'.
She ran withal her speed.
She ran with all her speed.
Why do bees hate ME?
No need to capitalize the 'me' here. The reader will understand.
She hit the inn door running and headed straight for the kitchen, ignoring the stare and looks from the customers.
This sentence, for some reason, doesn't read very well. And it should be 'Ignoring the stares and looks from the customers.'
I also think that you should change the word 'customers' to 'patrons'.
You've been writing in old-timey language, and dropping that will destroy the suspension of disbelief for your readers.
“I’ve been bit by some bees, where is the poultice you gave me last time this happened?”
“I’ve been bitten by some bees, where's the poultice you gave me the last time this happened?”
Castor has some bad grammar...
He looked up, face white with powder.
Is he wearing make-up? Because that's what it sounds like. I think you meant to say flour
"Never mind!"
"Never mind that!" Again, this will help keep the suspension of disbelief up.
She stopped moving and said: “Put it on quickly so I can get the stingers out. It itches really badly.”
The colon should really be a comma so it would read like this:
She stopped moving and said, “Put it on quickly so I can get the stingers out. It itches really badly.”
Miles applied the cold and mushy moisture It somewhat relieved the pain with it’s coolness.
Miles applied the cold and mushy moisture to her neck, and it managed to somewhat relieve the pain with its coolness.
Why do bees hate me! I hop Kalan isn’t seriously injured. I could have . . . but it wasn’ t my fault. So I can’t take the blame.
Why do bees hate me! I hope Kalan isn’t seriously injured. I could have... No, I didn't. And it wasn’t my fault. So I can’t and won't take the blame.
This helps to create more of an inner dilemma/ inner struggle for Castor.
“you’re a good pal.”
“You’re a good pal.”
“uh, I was at Ray’s house helping with laundry when some bees flew through and stung me.”
“Uh, I was at Ray’s house helping with laundry when some bees flew through and stung me.”
Oh Triune, please no!
Who's Triune? A god? Make sure the reader knows this...
Anyway, your plot flowed really well and I think you've done a good job with this chapter. In the future, I'd suggest varying sentence structure and using different vocabulary so as to keep your reader hooked. Your pacing was excellent at all times, but when Castor comes back to the inn, she seems to get back really quickly. But that might just be me.
Keep persisting, love.
Sorry for the extremely long review.
~Aurora
Wow thank you! This is very helpful for the technical side of editing stuff. It doesn't surprise me that there were this many mistakes. I had to write it in about an hour, and had some technical issues with the story.
I will definitely hop on those nitpicks and switch up those boring lines about Kalan. As for the colon, that is a personal preference. I've read that you can do it both ways, and I like using the colon over the comma.
Thanks again!
~Messenger
Wow. Great job with leaving us hanging! I totally want to know what happens. Sorry for just now getting to this, I totally forgot to review it after I read it. Ok, so... For the technical things: I don't remember noticing any grammar errors or anything, so that's good. Your formatting is fine. You did get just a tiny bit wordy at times, and there were a few awkward sentences. Of course, I don't blame you, since this hasn't been edited yet. I really liked your simple but classic trick with the little twist on it (the rope, but then the twist is that there's a horse!:) Could Ray possibly be the new character? Or maybe she's just a prop in the story so you used so Castor could lie. That can form here character more. (Ok, that might sound confusing) Not much else to say. I definitely like where you're going. And kudos for doing that chapter a week contest thing! I don't have that much time, nor am I that dedicated, unfortunately. Keep writing!
Hey, I just posted chapter three, and at first I thought you had already reviewed THAT!
Anyway, yes the rope part actually was tricky do to a lot of technical stuff I won't bother you with. Ray is going to be at least a character you'll see on more than one occasion. She isn't just a prop.
And thanks for the compliment. I nearly fell out because I was writing on Sunday which meant I had to wait for Review Day to end, and then like I said I had technical problems I had to sort out.
~Messenger
ooh, close
Woah, intense!!! I am in love with this chapter
I won't list all the nitpicks; Im sure if you read it through again you'll find them all. And anyway, it looks like many have been pointed out below. Now, to the plot line. 
Hopefully Kalan isn't too injured... We don't want Castor to get in trouble. Great chapter! I think it's great that you can write one chapter a week! I can't 
I thoroughly enjoyed this chapter. Castor has been characterized extremely well. I'd just like if you could explain how she looks a little. I'm guessing she has red hair (from that avatar you had for the club once), but what other attributes does she have? The reader should have a pretty good image of her so far, but all I know is what she's like. Of course, that's ten times more important than what she looks like, but I'd like to be able to picture her, anyway.
The whole plan-part, apart from some nitpicks, was very well written. As I said in the first sentence, it was INTENSE!!
if you read the prologue you would know what Castor looks like
Got it! I remember you told me earlier to read the prologue and I thought I did... guess I better go read it!
Heya Messenger! I'm ready to review...
So the trick was kind of planned but also kind of an accident? I can see the meddle Castor has got herself into now. I'm a bit annoyed at her, because Kalan could be seriously hurt and even though she didn't mean to do it she could at least check if he is okay! Gah, frustrating stuff >< For this chapter though mostly we just focus on the accident and Castor's reaction which is perfectly fine.
I have a few nitpicks for you!
I think you mean waste.
This should be 'invisible to someone...'
I think you mean she ran with all her speed. To me it would even be better phrased as She ran as quickly as possible.
I would take out the comma and make it a full stop instead, two separate sentences.
Still needs a capital!
I think this was a good chapter, but I would've wanted to know more about when Kalan fell to the ground. You've done it well so far, but tell us that Castor saw Kalan's body collide with the cobblestones below and go still, while the horse scrambled and kicked it's legs trying to get upright again. Putting a little more description in there will definitely help build the suspense as to whether he is alright or not. Also, mention the surroundings briefly just so we can tell if there are any witnesses. Maybe they don't see Castor or maybe they glimpse her, but it would tell us if Kalan got immediate help or not.
Honestly though, aside from the small point there and the nitpicks, there is nothing more I could want. An almost perfect chapter, and they keep being better written all the time
Your sage,
Deanie x
There are a few spelling errors that stood out, but for the most part it was well written. It was very good though. it is obvious that your strength is dialogue, the conversation with miles was really well written, I could actually picture it all. your character seems to be a little immature but I'm sure she will grow through out the story. I really enjoyed reading this piece, and look forward to the next part.
Keep on with the good work. (;