What do you do when people don't listen to you?
It's not necessarily that they won't, but that they can't.
All running around in circles;
All screaming about the sky falling on top of our own heads.
Too busy to help one another hold it up.
It's impossible to listen when your problems ring in your ears.
Impossible to support when your worries are crushing you.
And the saddest thing is that once you're trapped in this circle, it never ends.
Forever you'll be stuck, like Atlas, with someone else's world on your shoulders.
Author's Note: 'Cause I like short stuff and I think too much.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
This was different, but as I just told someone in a review I like different. I love this poem. Its different.
So. Your grammar and spelling was great along was your punctuation. It was good.
There is only one thing that is a lot different to me, that I kind of like, but on the other hand don't. I hope you know what I mean. The thing about this certain thing I like, but don't is how you put the poem all in one paragraph. You should make stanza which separate your paragraphs into stanzas. There should be for lines to a stanza. Like this.
What do you do, when people don't listen to you?
Its not necessary that they won't,
but they can't.
All running around in circles.
That is a stanza. Four lines to it. That is a real stanza.
I hope I helped with the stanza thing. Other than that your poem was good.
Love,
Dogsrule5
I like this review! Keep working on giving awesome suggestions to other authors, Dogsrule5!!
Thanks I will follow you Hannah. You can follow me to if you want to. You should read my books. They are called Lost Magic. I just published chapter 4.
Thank you dogsrule5 for taking the time to review!
As for stanzas, yes I completely understand your feelings. I actually did have this broken up into tiny stanzas but for whatever reason when I added the spaces in the Publishing Center and previewed it...it took my spaces out...I'm not sure if I'm doing something wrong or what but I decided to morph it into one paragraph 'cause I couldn't figure it out. XD
Thanks again for the suggestion and the review!
-Bright
That makes sense because I wrote a poem called Pretty Face, Ugly Heart and my enter key wasn't coroperating so it took a big giant enter for my stanzas. your welcome for the concern to. Talk to you later and I will follow you since you are following me!!
Hey there again! Hopefully I can help you out again~
Okay, okay, I think I finally figured out what confused me the first time through. I got confused because the first question's "you" seemed like a rhetorical question warping a first person narrator. Like, I'd be telling my story and say, "And what do you do when you wanna write a review but your cat gets on your lap?" and my listeners know I'm actually talking about myself.
And then the speaker talks about the other people running in circles, so I think the panicking people are outside of the first person speaker.
Except later it seems like the "you" is also the people being crushed by worries, so where I thought there was a separation, they seem to be running together and I can't keep the characters or groups of characters straight anymore, so I get thrown off the poem. D:
Also, the Atlas I think of when I jump into this poem is the statue, not necessarily the myth, and that statue has a strong visual presence, but you don't have any concrete imagery in this poem. You have vague sketches of gestures, like running around with the sky falling down, but they are more philosophical than concrete, right? Maybe this is a theme -- I would just like more solid images to connect with while I also enjoy wandering in the philosophy!
Haha.
Okay! My thoughts are finished for now! Lemme know if you have any questions / comments in PM or comment on this review.
Have a good day and keep writing!
Thanks again for reviewing, Hannah.
I might have to think about the first part of your review in relation to the "you" and the separation. Perhaps if I had stanzas, like dogsrule5, suggested that would help clarify. The intention is an inner monologue (sort of) where one person is thinking within but linking their thoughts to what they are seeing which may be where stuff gets confusing and runs together. I'll have to look into that.
As for concreteness I'm gonna PM you for that one.
Thanks again!
-Bright
Hey there Imaginator17 signing in!
To start off i just want to say i like the progression in this writing, you have a nice personification going, i especially like the line "It's impossible to support when your worries are crushing you." it relates to the first line "What do you do when people don't listen to you?" and also the second when it says "It's not necessarily that they won't but that they can't."
You make you're point really clear, correct me if i'm wrong but i believe the poem is about the never ending cycle of self worry, and you never help someone out so it stays the same and the cycle continues, or something along those lines.
To be honest i don't have much criticism at all, one thing i would suggest is making it longer just so it doesn't appear too vague
Hope i helped, God bless
Imaginator17
Thanks Imaginator! And yes I suppose making things longer is something I'll have to think about as a review on another one of my works runs along those lines. I guess that's just because I like things vague and short but perhaps I should consider expanding some work. Thank you for your review and your feedback.
-Bright