one last day

I liked it. I think it hides what the writer feels. It doesn't exactly tells us what's happening with you, that's what i thought of it. I like it like that, mysterious. Keep up the good job!

Hahahaha! Hey, there! GreenLight24 here with a review for you on this super Saturday morning! This is my second review after a pretty long period of reviewing inactivity, so I'll be shaking the dust off a little bit here in the beginning.

*Clears throat*

First off, this poem is quite the thoughtful piece. In my opinion, poetry is the most artistic and emotional literary art form. What I always look for in a good poem are the same qualities that I might look for in a nice painting or sculpture. I'd ask myself, "What emotions is this piece attempting to convey?" "How is the artist trying to convey them and what sort of images and emotions does this invoke within my own mind and heart?" Lastly, I would ask myself whether or not they've succeeded in doing those things. With this narrative poem, I think you have.

The ver first thing that jumped out at me as I read and reread this one was the extended metaphor of the makeshift house you used in order to characterize the relationship between the narrator and the presumed ex.I love how you just kind of took that first step there in the first stanza and didn't look back. Sometimes, running with just one metaphor for the entirety of a poem can leave the piece feeling predictable, stagnant, and with themes that are a little to obvious. That's why it's important to be able to really delve into it and to get the most out of the metaphor in question. Here, you've done just that. Not only did you talk about the makeshift home, but also about the different aspects of it as well. (the curtain-walls, the crooked table, and the leaking vase). It was also cool that you were able to tie those things in with one another so well. Each of the things you mentioned (most notably the table and the rings on the narrator's fingers) seem to be building towards this whole idea of imbalance and nervous instability within the relationship. The fact that each of these objects which represent imbalance are things that would often characterize a loving and harmonious relationship adds a whole new layer of dramatic irony that really gives even more life to the frustration and other feelings you were aiming to convey.

Another thing I liked about this poem was the very blurry contrast between light and dark. (most notably represented here by the light of day and the night) Often in literature, light and darkness can be used to represent opposing forces ( those of good and evil or others), sickness and health, holiness and heresy, etc. Basically all kinds of very extreme juxtapositions. In this poem, I loved the way you used light and darkness to juxtapose the narrator's complacent imperceptiveness with their intuitive sense that something wasn't quite right with this relationship. My favorite line is the one in which the narrator mentions that they "Saw things they didn't in the dark." once the sun came back up. This line is especially cool because it conveys the idea that you can't ever truly see the light until you've had to live in a state of constant darkness. I think that idea is applicable not only to difficult relationships, but to life in general. When a poet can tie their own themes and ideas in with general big ideas about the world, it's nothing short of amazing.

As far as critiques that I have for you here, I think most of them have already been mentioned by the previous reviewers. I just wanted to give you some feedback on the stylistic and thematic elements here. Although your descriptive language and thematic elements are beautiful, I think there are some things that you could do to make this even better. I mean, let's be honest, there's ALWAYS room for improvements, even with something as awesome as this one. I guess what I'm saying is that I'd like to see you take this a step further with some of the big ideas in here. (light vs. dark and that whole dichotomy of ideas, trust vs. distrust which I think you could explore a little bit more here, and love vs. makeshift or feigned affection/mild attraction or infatuation.) Don't get me wrong, I'll be the first to tell you that I LOVE this poem. (and that's NOT makeshift or feigned affection XD) I guess suggesting you take it even further is just wishful thinking on my part. Even so, if you ever do consider editing this, I think you will find that this thing could reach greatness levels of OVER9000!!!!!

I hope this review is helpful for you going forward and I really do love the work you've done here. Great job, buddy and Never Stop Writing!

Hello, rhiasofia here to review!

I really like this a lot. It's very interesting, yet takes very common images which ties this piece down very well, allowing the reader to feel connected and involved, rather than a seperate part. The imagery was very vivid, you had a great flow and movement through the poem, and it was full of very strong emotional movement. Your grammar was also perfect.

All I'm going to do is try helping you reword a few sentences which I feel sort of stick and feel awkward. Use them or don't, I hope they'll at least help you figure out how you would like to change them.

the army bag still a virgin to battle

and my easel covered in layers of dust instead of paint.

i was upset since they blotted out the sunlight

but you said it burned too brightly.

a ring for each of my fingers,

though the left hand was glaringly one short.

my reply was uncaring.

“you were right about the light.”

Hey thebrightestfell.

Woah. This was really profound. I love how you arranged your poem (how you used more of a prose format). I do this with my poems a lot and it's nice to know that I'm not alone, haha.

The description was outstanding. Lines such as "you threw up cardboard and called it walls,

insisted tattered sheets were silken curtains.

i was upset since they blotted out the sunlight

but you said it burned too brightly.

a cracked, leaking vase sat on a crooked table

and i watched fake flowers wilt as water pooled on the floor" (which is pretty much a stanza, but don't mind me) really blew me away. It makes my imagination happy. ^^

I didn't see any grammar mistakes. I don't know about the lowercase...I also tried that recently, but I'm not sure about it. It didn't distract me, but I thought it was worth mentioning. One thing I didn't especially like was how you put quotation marks around “you were right about the light.” I know it's kind of dialogue, but as a reader of your poem, I think I would prefer it not to be in quotations; it makes it more personal to the reader.

I did NOT like the ending, but only because it made me sad and angry, which may be a good thing or bad thing, take it how you want.

Please keep writing. I really loved this!

Yours,

Sav