z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Remember

by catcha01


Do you remember that warm summer day when we ran with the grass beneath our feet?

What about the cold touch of the water at the beach ?

The countless scoldings and threats from our parents when you brought me home late?

When I mentioned our graduation would you recall ?

The day the two of us said yes to each other and made it official at City hall?

Maybe the time you received me at the altar, put a ring on my hand and proclaimed your love?

When the two of us turned the handle and released the doves?

I know you don’t.

I know you won’t.

I know you never will.

And I can’t fix it. Not with any drug or pill.

All I do is hope that you do remember.

While I treasure the times when you utter my name in your sleep.

Or when you hold my hand staring at me with those same loving eyes.

If that’s the case I guess you don’t remember the guy who put you in this place.

The one rotting in a cell somewhere in the state.

He’s the one that put you in the coma made you wake up with no memory of anyone, anything.

You’ve forgotten the laughs, the cries, the smiles, the summer nights, all the loving.

I can’t blame you for forgetting it all.

It’s not your fault that you don’t know who I am.

It’s not your fault you don't know who anyone is.

It’s not your fault that you don’t even know yourself.

It breaks my heart, it really does, to see your hopeless self struggling to remember something… that you just can’t.

Here I sit staring through a glass panel that separates me from you.

It was the weakest wall between the two of us.

How dare I forget your amnesia constantly pushing me away.

Now here we are years later, it seems I’ve forgotten myself.

Who you are along with everyone else.

Our lives together are just a blur.

First to you and now to me.

Oddly enough while I took my last breath I remembered your smile.

I remembered your lips when we shared a kiss.

I remembered your warm breath as you whispered I love you in my ear.

And best of all I remembered your words on that hot summer day when we ran with the grass beneath our feet in bed.

I love you, always remember that. Remember this, remember us, remember me.

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231 Reviews

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Sat May 10, 2014 8:18 pm
dogsrule5 wrote a review...



Hi!


First I just want to say how much I loved your poem. It's so poetic and beautiful.


It breaks my heart, it really does, to see your hopeless self struggling to remember something... that you just can't. -- And best of all I remembered your words on that hot summer day when we ran with the grass beneath our feet in bed.


I know that you know about this formatting problem but I just want to point a suggestion out. Since it made it two lines when you wanted one, you could split these sentences into more than one line so that it doesn't create the formatting problem.

What about the cold touch of water at the beach ?


In this line and one other line you have a space between the last word and the question mark. That should not be there. Just saying.

Sorry if I sounded mean, not trying to be. I really really really really really really really liked your poem!!! It was pretty and poetic, and it flowed really smoothly. It made me sad that the poor person doesn't remember their lover and nobody can do anything to help them remember. Poems about lovers and sad things happening to them always get to my heart.

Keep up the great writing.
Love, dogsrule5/Em101cats (I'm Em101cats and dogsrule5 let me help since we only have one computer to use right now.)




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Sat May 10, 2014 4:00 pm
Imaginator17 wrote a review...



Hey there!

Well, reading through this the first time my first impression was that this is a powerful poem, the choice of words and tone made the content even more noticeable. Good job on the poem, a really good job.

I liked what you did for the first few lines, it kind of set the poem off from there. By asking simple questions. Although, you did a good job with the tone of the writing i agree with Hannah that you are too vague throughout, the things i understood was that someone had amnesia (of course) and that person losing their memory was close to another person, probably a lover? And that's about it, you do need to be more specific if you really want to convey the story of it to the readers.

But other than that, i really liked the poem.

God bless and keep on writing! :D

Nator signing out!




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Sat May 10, 2014 2:17 pm
Hannah wrote a review...



Hey there, catcha01!

The idea of this piece of writing is definitely something emotional. To have someone you love no longer able to remember the things that make you love them or made them love you -- because that's really all love is, is a set of shared experiences that you value enough to keep trying to make more, I guess -- it's heart breaking! Suddenly all that you built is invalidated. So you definitely have a strong well to pull material from.

I think your presentation could use some work, though. Right now, this kind of just reads like an outpouring of words in a journal, and while there's nothing really wrong with that, a journal is usually more meaningful to the person who wrote it than the reader. If you're presenting the material to the public, you have to consider the reader.

Which means you have to be a little bit less vague about the story if you want the reader to care about your characters. I understand amnesia happened, but you keep mentioning the relationship using vague phrases like "all the memories we had together" without giving any specific examples. Yes, I know you gave examples of moments in the first couple of lines, but they are so generic that they kind of don't count.

You love someone, so you know that when you get past the general reasons, there are lots of little specific things you can share that no body else would understand -- those are the things that make a relationship feel concrete and more realistic than a general description of a relationship.

Everyone loves, has problems, goes to pretty places.

But if I tell you that we like to get bottled lemonade together every Tuesday when you're done with work, 'cause Tuesdays are when you have to teach the middle schoolers -- that makes me feel like you're talking about two REAL people invested in the world. Do you know what I mean?

I hope these thoughts are helpful to you as you continue to pursue your writing talent!
Let me know if you have any questions about my review through PM or comment.
Good luck and keep writing~

Hannah




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Sat May 10, 2014 4:31 am
GrapeNerd wrote a review...



WOWOWOWOWOWOW
Wait, let me gather myself before I review.

Wow. Okay, this is a really great piece! I love it. It's so sad and just, it's really great! I don't have any nitpicks. The formating was done well, too! Overall I really enjoyed this! It kind of broke my heart, so you did really well!
Keep up the good work,
GrapeNerd





As a writer, I'm more interested in what people tell themselves happened rather than what actually happened.
— Kazuo Ishiguro