z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Category we call Heart Broken.

by BrilliantMustaches


"Heartbreak," she says.

The only things that fills the air are the ticking of a clock and steady breathes from the both of them. After a couple of minutes, Kelly Rhodes decided to break the silence.

"What one word describes heartbreak?" she asks.

Parker looked up, scoffing at the words that her therapist just said and replies, "You cannot describe heartbreak with one simple word."

Parker stands up, leaving the softness that once embraced her. She started to look out the window and she saw kids running around, laughing at what they said, just enjoying the innocence and freedom, but they did not know what exactly they had.

Parker didn't know that she should have held on to her childhood as tightly as possible with her tiny, fragile hands. No one knew that once you grow up, innocence is over. That was the thing Parker regretted the most. She wished every day that she would have held a tighter grip on childhood, she should have never let go. She sighed leaning on the cold window glass taking slow steady breaths.

"Parker, you need to participate or you will never get better," Kelly states. Parker looked at her therapist, nodding slightly but still would not reply. "Parker can yo-," but Kelly could not finish because Parker started speaking.

"Heartbreak. It is something that can make you stronger or destroy you. It's when you cared so much about that one person, that one thing, that one obsession, and now all you are is in between caring too little or caring too much. It is all you think about and it consumes you. Every time you are above the water it brings you down, but then it will let you back up and just when you think you can start to breathe again, it brings you straight back down. Then finally you wake up just to find out you did this to yourself. You could have let go of the sad memories and only think about the joyful ones, but you didn’t. It devoured, actually you let it devour all the happy moments and you let it leave you with the saddest of them all. You are the one that started the whole process of heartbreak."

Parker licked her dry lips and finally took a deep breathe. Kelly sat there stunned of all the words that Parker said. This was the most that she had said in weeks, but what stunned her the most was Parker was looking straight into her eyes with each word that Parker said. After a couple of seconds, Parker sighed placing her hands on the window seal, staring at the hills that the kids played on.

"You know what the worst of all heartbreaks is Miss. Rhodes?" Parker asked.

"What is that Parker?" she replied professionally, but deep down inside she was jumping all around, eagerly waiting for the response, like she was kid looking at a fresh baked chocolate chip cookie.

"The heartbreak that is the worst of them all, is when you see the person that never left your side is broken because of you. You don't know how to fix it and it is an enormous puzzle that can never be connected, because watching that person break every single day, breaks your heart and there is not one single thing you can do about it." Parker sighs as she wiped the single tear that escaped her eye.

Once again, the ticking of the clock and steady breaths filled the room, but this time it was Parker who broke the silence.

"Yet, all of that Miss. Rhodes still does not describe heart break. Not even a whole lifetime can describe heart break, because heart break is the most confusing feeling of them all. Heart break is every emotion into the category we call heart broken."


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Tue May 06, 2014 9:03 pm
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Nishi196 wrote a review...



Hello. :)

This was written very well. I loved the way the details described the image and the entire scene.
I only found " and steady breathes from the both of them. " could be replaced with " and the steady breathing of the two of them "
Also, a few places could use some commas. Sorry, but commas give the dramatic pause when someone reads it out in their mind too.

Aside from that, the emotions that Parker was going through were described VERY well.
Those few words conveyed a lot more meanings. :)
And somehow, i think a lot of us can related to the confusion and the sadness.
I totally totally loved the description of a heart break and the ending ! :)

Keep writing ! :)




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Tue May 06, 2014 4:58 am
Iggy wrote a review...



Hey there!

"Heart break" she says.


Comma is needed for el dialogue. Also, I feel that this is a weak way to start off the story. Brief, which is good, but that's all she can say about heartbreak (which is one word so fix that)? Not even something cliche, like "heartbreak will be the death of you." or something? Also, what about names? Names are a powerful thing and I think you should always start out with the name first instead of going straight for he/she.

The only things that fills the air are the ticking of a clock


Add in the bolded letter.

and steady breathes from the both of them


Breaths* you mean?

Kelly Rhodes decided to add on to it, so she broke the silence.


Kellie* <//< sorry, major nitpick. Kellie is how I spell my name. xD

But I digress. She's adding on to what? That is confusing, so I suggest cutting that out.

Parker stands up on her feet,


And here I assumed she was on her hands. There's no need for technicalities.

just enjoying the innocence and freedom they had, but they did not know what exactly they had.


Cut the indicated. Also work for a better flow. This is a bit choppy.

Parker didn't know that she should have held on to her childhood as tightly as she should have.


Why the repetition of "should have"? Make this flow smoother.

"Parker, you need to participate or you will never get better," she states.


Kelly states*

and now all you are is in between caring to little


Too*


Okay so I definitely didn't expect much when coming into this but who did you deliver a nice ending. I am totally surprised. I really am. This was good!

One thing I didn't like was an absence of explanation. Where did this come from? Why does Kelly want to know what Parker thinks of heartbreak? And why is Parker even seeing a therapist? What happened? I would like to know why so I can connect with her and understand what heartbreak is to her.

I loved her description of heartbreak. I also like that it blew the therapist away, because honestly, it blew me away as well! That was some pretty deep stuff. It was explained so nicely and the flow was great. Overall, I thought this was really good. It can do with some more explanation and perhaps a but more background on who Parker is and why she has to see Kelly, but other than that, this was great. Nicely written with a smooth flow and a stronf ending that left the reader pondering many things. I enjoyed it very much.


Hoep this helps.

~Iggy






You do not know how grateful I am for your feedback, and sorry for the Kelly/Kellie thing. Lol. This piece is on a personal level so I wanted to use a familiar face in my head while I was writing this, and I did the whole confusion on purpose because I plan on adding more to this. I am so thankful for your review. Thank you!




“I don't talk things, sir. I talk the meaning of things.”
— Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451