Young Writers Society

Hey Alvarin! Silver back to review for you!!

Wow, I think I'm in love with this story. There's just so much intrigue, such heavy atmosphere and such well done narration. I love the voice you've given your character and the way he talks. there are some things that you do which I think are just brilliant. The way you describe your setting, you never make it concrete, it's just very vague and could really be any place in the world. You carry this through by calling his blonde co-worker and friend a "hurricane" and also by not giving his boss a name. This all makes his environment seem fleeting and temporary and really enhances that fact that he's constantly running and that he isn't able to lead a normal life.
This is turning out to be a not so great review seeing as I've said nothing that helpful so far.

They thought I was a terrorist, and if I told them what had happened they'd think I was insane, so I ran.

I did think that line was a little strange though. If it was words spilling everywhere, why would they think he's a terrorist? Just because he started running and screaming?

Anyway, this is getting really interesting and I can't wait to see more! Keep it up and happy writing!!

Silverlock

Hey Alvarin!

Back for chapter two. Your last chapter was pretty interesting, so let's see if this chapter changes things up even further. As with the last part though, it's pretty short. But as you're just writing it as the mood strikes you, I like what you've got here.

You continue writing your character's narration as well as his actions pretty well. Despite it's short lenght you also move the story along pretty nicely, though there is a lot more padding and description that could be added to it. Your vocabulary is also pretty good and you don't repeat yourself too much. Not many lines begin the same way and I don't lose interest reading it. But then again, it's fairly short.

However, I did find more things to comment on in this one than I did in the previous chapter.
I'll write as I go along:

Edit

They had come at night that time, right after that moment; wolves in sheep's clothing,

I'd add something else, or something more to that moment, as we are in a new chapter and it's not too clear that you are alluding to the end of the previous chapter. I see you also use a lot of commas, which is generally okay. But a lot of them could use a semicolon. I added one here.

Wait, one more thing I noticed now, after finishing. Your first chapter said 'Day one' while this one says 'Day four'. By the way you wrote the opening, it seems as if it follows the previous ending. Yet, why 'Day four'? O.o

identifying themselves to my parents with letter combinations that I didn't recognize

Seeing as you escaped and weren't the one to open the door, how would you be able to recognize these at all?

nor the fake sheep..

You use ellipsis a couple of times in these, where they aren't really called for. Either that or you have an extra period a few places. Replace them with simple periods.

Edit

Not until I casually slipped into the kitchen five minutes later and heard the

You need to add in some more descriptions here. You never say you go to the resturant you work at, instead, it reads as if you just re-enter into the kitchen of your house. There's also a quick typo.

Now, if this isn't the case, and you actually go to your job quite a while later (and not five minutes), then you need to explain that better as it's quite confusing.

Suggestion

The woman asked if anyone by my name worked there, but the blonde hurricane said no; seeing as she had never known me by that name, but the man then asked her if she had ever seen the man on the picture. She had.

You sentences go on a bit too long in some places, with a bit too many commas. Did a quick example here to try making it a bit neater.

Not the best example, but hey, it's an example.

The boss just stared after me, with more emotion than I had seen in his face in quite some time, as I backed out through the door and carefully closed it behind me.

I'd really want some more scene descriptions. It's hard to keep up with what is going on here. I suppose both the boss and the 'hurricane', as well as the two agents, were already in the kitchen when you entered it? The reader is left completely in the dark here. And why didn't they notice you?

my sneakers gripped the asphalt with the same desperation that I felt in my chest.

This line is amazing. You have a few of these great lines here and there.

join me at night..

Make them periods.

The same backpack that I had taken with me from my parents home was still in my closet,

Again, here we need more descriptions and information. This one even leads to a plothole.

You made no mention of putting your backpack into the locker. And even if you did, you say that it is still in your closet at work. Wouldn't you need it if you were going to disappear? It containts everything you needed, yes? After this, we skip directly to your home (presumably) and we hear nothing more of it.

“Knock-knock-knock,” said the door,

Is the door talking now? Alice in Wonderland style? I'd just replace this with Someone knocked on the door.

In one moment I had been writing, and in the other moment I was running from my own words,

Now this I really like. We're getting to the supernatural elements now. It almost sounds like he has the power over the written word somehow. Turning it real or into some sort of power. That is really interesting. And it would make sense to have people hunting him down. It seems to be some sort of combination of letters though, but I'm definately intrigued by what is going on.

Your ending paragraph is pretty good. It has some good descriptive writing about the getaway and this fire escape. And nice ending line. However, the plan to go for the bus doesn't seem like the best of ideas. Not to say anticlimatic.

The first chapter certainly showed some promise and you write pretty decently. It took a bit of a wrong turn here though, and I had a bit more to comment on that I should. But I'm still pretty interested in what is going on. I guess we'll find out as we go along!

Keep it up, Alvarin! See you in the next chapter.


Cheers
Birkhoff