z

Young Writers Society


18+ Mature Content

Two lovers under a spell.

by aer123


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for mature content.

A warm, sunshine November day in the South. Clear open blue skies looked down onto two lovers hopelessly intertwined. The rays touching their skin gave warmth, something much needed for this time of year. For people in love were ripe in these summer months after the Great Rains much so that to find a single person you would need a microscope and tweezers!

Rian and Johannette lie enveloped by each other' eyes The green grass of their local park, and the birdsong in the far distance; together with the laughter of youth, gave them much joy.

'You look stunning!' Exclaimed Rian.

'Really?' She asked teasingly.

'Yes-yes you do! The blouse and olive dress blend into the surroundings.'

A kiss followed, then another. Their hearts began to race through their chest. This was their first parting of lips, their first act of true love since they have met in July. Much excitement passed between these lovers; their touch aroused sensual emotions until uncontrollable movements lead to Johannette's blouse fall ever so slightly.

'Stop! This is going to fast! Where are only 17!' He grabbed her wrists; unwilling to let her undo his pants' buttons. Still she didn't try to restrain herself.

'Rian you're exciting me ever more, feel me!' Grabbing his hand, she put his hand against her soft breast's nipple. She got free of the grip, and toppled him over.

'Just give in to this, it feels so amazing!' She groped her own breasts. Tugging him to touch them, he gave in and allowed it all to happen.

'Feel them! Soft, rose-pedal pink and ready for you!'

Their mouths meeting, her grip fastening on his erection, slowly going through the motions. Sweat dripping like rain down both's foreheads. Rian undid her blouse, making sure that every button was removed; feeling the underwire bra underneath made him more excited.

'Wow!' Johannette said under damp breath. Sensing that tingling sensation between her legs made here straight her back and scratch Rian's back as the moment came to being.

' YES!' 'YES!' She moaned. Her nails making inroads upon his chest. Small trickles of blood came down his upper body. He is amazing!

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181 Reviews

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Wed May 07, 2014 3:38 am
JohnLocke1 wrote a review...



Hello, my friend.

First, since the reviewer below handled the specific grammar, I will jump straight into what I thought.

It did all seem unrealistic. First, the dialogue seemed forced. Always say your dialogue aloud to ensure that people would actually say it. Otherwise, it can end up being bulky and far too awkward, which is the case here. People just don't say the things you have written. When a reader reads unrealistic dialogue, the world the writer has constructed becomes unrealistic.

The situation itself seemed rather forced. To make this all work, I would recommend slowing everything down rather severely. Let us know these two characters by showing them interact with each other, besides the sexual aspect of their relationship. Let us understand them, instead of throwing random information about them in-between your sentences. Show us who these people are so that we care.

I don't want to be "that person," but this all seemed rather degrading to the woman. I may be mistaken, of course, but it just seemed that way to me.

Overall, I would go back and look over this. It could work, but only if you go beyond the sex. Unless, of course, it is your intention to simply write about them having sex. If that is the case, you are moving in the right direction. Happy Writing!




aer123 says...


This tory didn't work for me. I just tried another genre to see if I had a general or specific quality to my writing. As you can see, I write better with other genres.



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933 Reviews

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Tue Apr 29, 2014 3:20 am
Iggy wrote a review...



Hello. Here as requested.

A warm, sunshine November day in the South.


Instead of "sunshine", try "sunny".

Rian and Johannette lie enveloped by each other' eyes


Other's* also, this is missing a period.

'You look stunning!' Exclaimed Rian.


Exclaimed should be lowercased.

'Really?' She asked teasingly.


She should be lowercased.

Where are only 17!'


We're only 17*

'Feel them! Soft, rose-pedal pink and ready for you!'


... I could be wrong, but I doubt anyone says that during sex.



Okay. Where to begin?

Slow down. You're blowing by this way too fast. We see a couple in a local park. They start kissing and then wow, they're having sex? Slow down. Not only is having sex in a local park both illegal and unrealistic, I find it hard to believe that they would jump into sex so soon. Not only that, but how long have they been together? June through November is... five months. Wow.

But I digress. I don't feel that this was very realistic.

Details. Emotions. Imagery. If you're going to write about sex, then you need to write about it. There's more to sex than just kissing. It involves emotional pleasure as well as physical. What about love? Passion? I'm not getting anything from this. I want to know what Rian thinks of Johannette as he's kissing her. What do her lips taste like? How do they feel against his? How does she make him feel, both sexually and emotionally? Does he love her? And how about her feelings for him?

Finally, descriptions. This was lacking it. Reread this and see where you can expand on and describe. Word of advice, don't overdescribe their body differences. Don't say that his large body towered over her tiny body, because boys are typically larger and broader than girls and you're just making Rian look like a body builder and Johannette look like a minute being.

Overall, I feel that this has potential, but needs work before it can reach it. I personally didn't enjoy it because I'm not a big fan of certain smut, but who knows, maybe someone else loved it. :) I encourage you to rewrite it and work on it.

Hope this helps.

~Iggy





She conquered her demons and wore her scars like wings.
— Atticus